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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 7, 2019 17:12:56 GMT -5
No offense, mypaintbrushes but I it seems to me that you are working way too hard trying to find somebody, anybody, fast, even before you're actually divorced. The only advice I have is relax a little bit and try to build real relationships with people you have things in common with other than being horny. It takes time to find love. It takes time to even make friends, let alone find the love of your life. Also, be careful with drinking and dating. I haven't been out there in a long time but it seems like there are inherent dangers in that. I wasn’t on a date; it was a girls’ night out. And what’s wrong with looking for a FWB? I didn’t say I was looking for “somebody, anybody”. Are my messages coming through in English? Lol |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 7, 2019 17:13:44 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes said: “I watch The Santa Clarita Diet and Goran Visnjic is on it!” Not sure how I remembered all that as drunk as I was, but the guy seemed interested in taking me back to his place and fucking my brains out. I was all set to to it....” Your standards seem very low and that may be why you’ve had such a lack of success. From what you’ve described, all he seemed to have going for him was he showed interest in fucking you despite your being obviously drunk. Other than wanting a man who wants to tuck you is there anything else you’d want from a man? Wow!!! My pickiness means my standards are way low. That’s hilarious! |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 7, 2019 17:20:14 GMT -5
I'm having a little trouble with the numbers mypaintbrushes. It's hard for me to believe you have had 2500 responses and only found 30 to be worth some effort from you if I am reading this right. I'm with Jim4444 in thinking you live in the middle of largest concentration of asexual and homosexual men in North America. If you could see your way clear I would like to know how you market yourself on a dating (or hookup) site. And what do you put down as traits you are looking for in a male. There has to be more to the story as to why out of 2500 males at least 250 haven't tried to plow your furrow. From talking with guy friends and girl friends, there’s a big difference in online dating experience. Some of the apps I’m trying - like Zoosk - allows men to respond via emoji. That counts as as message. Multiply that by the number of apps (I don’t remember offhand, but it’s several) and it’s totally possible, as a female, to receive a staggering number of messages from men. Zero out the ones outside my age range, too far away, etc, and the ones who drop off after a few messages, and take into consideration a busy schedule and you go out with far fewer men than that. Many more “ghost” after the first or second date. Or I don’t wish to see them again. Final result: 5 (now 6) ones worth seeing again. |
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Post by saarinista on Jun 7, 2019 17:45:43 GMT -5
No offense, mypaintbrushes but I it seems to me that you are working way too hard trying to find somebody, anybody, fast, even before you're actually divorced. The only advice I have is relax a little bit and try to build real relationships with people you have things in common with other than being horny. It takes time to find love. It takes time to even make friends, let alone find the love of your life. Also, be careful with drinking and dating. I haven't been out there in a long time but it seems like there are inherent dangers in that. I wasn’t on a date; it was a girls’ night out. And what’s wrong with looking for a FWB? I didn’t say I was looking for “somebody, anybody”. Are my messages coming through in English? Lol I understand that you were not on a date, but you said you were anticipating having sex with this guy that you met while out at a the bar drinking with a friend, until she spoke with him and found out that he was married. Good thing that your friend talked to him and found out the deal or you could have gotten into a risky and unfortunate situation, given how you reacted to finding out his status. In my experience when I was younger, situations like that are more likely to be found in bars. IMHO, looking for a friend with benefits is a potentially risky endeavor, though I'd be the first to say that there have been times I've wished for one. Any time you take a risk, it's safer to do so when you are in a position to assess the potential friend with a clear focus. At least that's been my experience from the times when I was young and met people in bars. But nothing is completely safe, and sometimes risks work out. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2019 17:48:13 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes said: “Wow!!! My pickiness means my standards are way low. That’s hilarious!”
Your story indicated you were going to go fuck a man who just met you at a bar when you were drunk. There’s no indication you’d even asked him if he was married since your woman friend got that info from him while you were in the loo. She had to drag you away from him. In this situation, didn’t seem picky your standard seemed to be that he was eager to fuck you. Was there any other standard that he met?
There’s nothing wrong with looking for a FWB. However “friend” not just eager to fuck you is important. Even with a FWB whom you aren’t looking for a long term relationship with it helps to know if he’s worth spending time with. This includes knowing him well enough to know he’s not Mr Goodbar, a wacko, potential stalker or someone who is so selfish he’d be a terrible lover.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 7, 2019 17:51:51 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes said: “Wow!!! My pickiness means my standards are way low. That’s hilarious!” Your story indicated you were going to go fuck a man who just met you at a bar when you were drunk. There’s no indication you’d even asked him if he was married since your woman friend got that info from him while you were in the loo. She had to drag you away from him. In this situation, didn’t seem picky your standard seemed to be that he was eager to fuck you. Was there any other standard that he met? Hell yeah. But due to time and length, I didn’t include them.  So there was an assumption made. I haven’t fucked anyone in almost a year (my play partners and I play, not fuck) and have said “no thanks” to quite a few people. I’d say that indicates the opposite of low standards. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 8, 2019 19:03:22 GMT -5
It seems like guys are standoffish AF these days. There are a lot of reasons fueling this, I think, and likely few of them have to do with you. Tech isn’t helping; aside from offering speed-dating on steroids, it’s made personal relationships a lot more superficial and disposable, provided an on-demand source of porn, no end to the different forms of entertainment to compete with dating, and taken dating out of the get-to-know-you stage. Then, the social and legal climate has gotten pretty crazy for guys. The potential to “wrong” someone seems at an all-time high, with flash mob lynchings via social media without a trial. Aside from general social trending, there’s a whole men’s movement toward celibacy because this perceived risk is too great. (And yes, there are more than a few bitter chauvinists and losers in that crowd, but also many who feel the deck is stacked.) I doubt it’s a large movement, but it’s part of the scene and reflects sentiments that may appear in other ways, like a backlash of standoff-ish behavior. You’re talking about MGTOW, it sounds like. I guess there is a similar one for women - WGTOW. I keep seeing Quora posts on it. It’s like these guys have been hurt/wronged, so they toss out the 50% of the population they’re attracted to, and villainize us. Crazy! If you knew me or most of my female friends we are definitely not out to hurt. I don’t know what this MGTOW stuff is all about. The Italian guy forgot to show up to our second date today. I reported to the friend who set us up; his only response was “Hmm”. Anyway, he’s out. I’m supposed to go on date #3 with the awesome guy from the other night tomorrow. If he flakes he’s out. I also have a matchmaker date on Tuesday, my 4th of 6 matches. She’s honestly not doing any better than I am at picking people, but the restaurants are at least good. And the week after next I go overseas with my son for 3 weeks, which will give me time to think. JUST THINKING OUT LOUD (which ja what we extroverts do): There may be a chance of me going back to my husband but platonically and seeing my play partners every couple of weeks. It’s not ideal, but it’s infinitely better than endlessly hearing “I dunno what happened; I guess you just intimidate men!” My son has two more years of high school and his dad retires in about 4 years. Continuing to have two incomes (well, four, since he’s starting a side business) wouldn’t be horrible. My son has been asking for us all to do stuff as a family all summer long, sometimes incorporating my mom. He’s looking at living at home and going to junior college for 2-3 years before he transfers to a 4 year university. I’m sure we could work something out. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 8, 2019 19:05:01 GMT -5
I have no good or bad advice to impart. I can only say your post divorce storyline is terrifying me and filling me with dread. I am not going to be able to do this online dating world. It’s really exciting and entertaining but a LOT of work for a feee dinner. I worked out yesterday that I’m basically making $12/hr going on all these dates. Then again, I’m saving on my food bills a bit... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 9, 2019 0:14:47 GMT -5
Hi, mypaintbrushes. Yes, not that MGTOW is directly relevant to you, but more an observation that socially and legally things have gotten weird to the point that a group like that even exists; the same dynamics are probably causing other guys to be more cautious / standoffish. Going back to your ex isn’t implausible. If you haven’t followed her story, bballgirl has been doing that successfully for a while now after a couple years apart. The separation and financial split changed their dynamic, and they live together with the kids but just as roommates. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 9, 2019 0:20:23 GMT -5
Hi, mypaintbrushes. Yes, not that MGTOW is directly relevant to you, but more an observation that socially and legally things have gotten weird to the point that a group like that even exists; the same dynamics are probably causing other guys to be more cautious / standoffish. Going back to your ex isn’t implausible. If you haven’t followed her story, bballgirl has been doing that successfully for a while now after a couple years apart. The separation and financial split changed their dynamic, and they live together with the kids but just as roommates. Yep, she is exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote my response. My soon to be ex is no longer abusive like he was – he has a girlfriend and spent the night at her house last night so he is getting all the supply he needs right now I believe – and he is receptive to staying in our lives. Our son has expressed an interest in eventually going to school at Berklee College of Music - he’s a gifted music producer. We are actually all three flying to Boston in a week and a half so he can take a weekend workshop there to get a taste of college. If he decides that’s what he wants to do and gets in, I’m going to need to figure out how he’s going to pay his tuition. Stuff like that comes to mind… |
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boudinMan
Junior Member
frustrated
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Post by boudinMan on Jun 10, 2019 13:00:00 GMT -5
ghosting you say? i know all about it. I'm having a little trouble with the numbers mypaintbrushes. It's hard for me to believe you have had 2500 responses and only found 30 to be worth some effort from you if I am reading this right. I'm with Jim4444 in thinking you live in the middle of largest concentration of asexual and homosexual men in North America. If you could see your way clear I would like to know how you market yourself on a dating (or hookup) site. And what do you put down as traits you are looking for in a male. There has to be more to the story as to why out of 2500 males at least 250 haven't tried to plow your furrow. From talking with guy friends and girl friends, there’s a big difference in online dating experience. Some of the apps I’m trying - like Zoosk - allows men to respond via emoji. That counts as as message. Multiply that by the number of apps (I don’t remember offhand, but it’s several) and it’s totally possible, as a female, to receive a staggering number of messages from men. Zero out the ones outside my age range, too far away, etc, and the ones who drop off after a few messages, and take into consideration a busy schedule and you go out with far fewer men than that. Many more “ghost” after the first or second date. Or I don’t wish to see them again. Final result: 5 (now 6) ones worth seeing again. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2019 3:45:28 GMT -5
I believe there is something in the water in your state that is affecting the men out there. Maybe you need to vacation somewhere that the men are still men.
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Post by smith227 on Jun 19, 2019 20:10:54 GMT -5
I’m tried just reading about your post sm life. I can’t see how you’re not exhausted. Good luck.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2019 12:02:03 GMT -5
Hi, mypaintbrushes. Yes, not that MGTOW is directly relevant to you, but more an observation that socially and legally things have gotten weird to the point that a group like that even exists; the same dynamics are probably causing other guys to be more cautious / standoffish. Going back to your ex isn’t implausible. If you haven’t followed her story, bballgirl has been doing that successfully for a while now after a couple years apart. The separation and financial split changed their dynamic, and they live together with the kids but just as roommates. Yep, she is exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote my response. My soon to be ex is no longer abusive like he was – he has a girlfriend and spent the night at her house last night so he is getting all the supply he needs right now I believe – and he is receptive to staying in our lives. Our son has expressed an interest in eventually going to school at Berklee College of Music - he’s a gifted music producer. We are actually all three flying to Boston in a week and a half so he can take a weekend workshop there to get a taste of college. If he decides that’s what he wants to do and gets in, I’m going to need to figure out how he’s going to pay his tuition. Stuff like that comes to mind… What I’m doing is not typical or the norm but I’m happy. Nothing wrong with having a FWB and the ex as a roommate to make your life financially easier. If you aren’t married then you can do whatever makes your life easier and happier. |
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Post by elynne on Jun 28, 2019 2:55:28 GMT -5
Yep, she is exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote my response. My soon to be ex is no longer abusive like he was – he has a girlfriend and spent the night at her house last night so he is getting all the supply he needs right now I believe – and he is receptive to staying in our lives. Our son has expressed an interest in eventually going to school at Berklee College of Music - he’s a gifted music producer. We are actually all three flying to Boston in a week and a half so he can take a weekend workshop there to get a taste of college. If he decides that’s what he wants to do and gets in, I’m going to need to figure out how he’s going to pay his tuition. Stuff like that comes to mind… What I’m doing is not typical or the norm but I’m happy. Nothing wrong with having a FWB and the ex as a roommate to make your life financially easier. If you aren’t married then you can do whatever makes your life easier and happier. First - as a woman dating in NY is a terrible. My experience was 12 to 15 years ago - so things may have changed. But my 2 cents: there is an imbalance of many more single women than men. Add to that the people that are attracted to New York tend to be intelligent and driven. What I found when internet dating, were hundreds of replies, a few dates with creeps with foot fetishes, guys who showed up to the date drunk, unemployed 30 something men still living with their mom. Those were the ones that didn’t get a second date. I had better luck on Jdate (a Jewish dating site). With complete disclosure that I wasn’t Jewish but had close Jewish friends and had a tremendous respect for the culture and emphasis on family. Met a lovely guy named Gabe. I still think of him fondly. My problem with dating sites (and the reason I stopped) was that I realized that I had so many messages, mails, and date requests that I had switched to looking for any reason NOT to date someone. My default became ‘what’s wrong with this person, and why do I not want to go out with them?’ I didn’t like that. I want to look for all the reasons that I WANT to spend time with someone. I want to find all the myriad reasons to adore them, love them, enjoy their company. The other unpleasant thing that I learned about myself was that I liked the ping in my mailbox. I liked the attention and the 100 or so messages to wade through and cast away. I found I was sort of addicted to the rush from the attention and suspect that I was using it to regulate my self esteem. Not a very healthy time for me. So I quit. Cold turkey. I know at least two happy couples who met online. For me, it didn’t work. I think if you were to play the odds, you’ve got a much better shot at true love by taking care of yourself. Surrounding yourself with good people, good friends. Cutting toxic people out of your life or minimizing time with them to the bare minimum. And spend as much of your time doing the activities that are inspire you fill your soul with joy! Then you shine. From the inside out. And you begin to attract the kind of people who see your true beauty. Time with your stbx - that is time misspent. It’s toxic. It dims you and you’re using energy to survive not to thrive. And your play partners - I suspect they are also a stop gap. Something to fill the void, but doesn’t really get to the heart of missing intimacy. Take some time and think about what you really want and then question whether the decisions you’re making are in line with what you want or not. You can make excuses and explain why a one night stand or a BDSM play or moving in with a toxic ex is ok. But if you really want a relationship with unconditional love and acceptance then you’re only hurting yourself. It’s your life and your choices. The time is precious! Use it wisely. |
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So there was an assumption made. 
