Post by cassiopeia92 on May 25, 2019 1:52:03 GMT -5
Thinking about what is good about my H, too often here I see us only looking at or talking about the bad. And I am as guilty as snyone else.
So here goes:
He is a pretty good Grandfather, remember here that they are not his blood grandkids. He gives wise counsel to the older 3 and they know they can come to him with anything and he will help. The 3 youngest he spoils with treats, snacks and hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream. True he comes down too hard when they do wrong but that is from his childhood can learn.
He is often fun to be with just good company and we share a love of animals.
He works hard and very little would stop him showing up. Even with diabetic issues he powers through in a way I dont think I could.
He takes out the trash and cleans the yard, with 3 dogs thats a lot.
He is generous. As long as the bills are paid he is good with me spending though I have my own money too of course.
I'm going back in to history here, but my ex missus was a really good financial partner. She had a really cutting sense of humour too. She was a good mother and Aunty, Sister. She had some good attributes, no question about that.
But unfortunately what she brought to the table (good and bad) - and what I brought to the table (good and bad) - resulted in a pretty dysfunctional mix. And in the long run, the mix produced an ILIASM deal that was not capable of sustaining itself, and it ended.
But, as a single issue, yes, my missus did have some good attributes.
Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2019 4:14:15 GMT -5
My ex had many good qualities that would have made him a great fit for another woman: He is nice looking; looks younger than his age; makes excellent pay and has good savings; is well respected in his field; is sophisticated and can fit in with virtually any group; is an excellent cook; was a good father to our sons; co-parents well with me; was always supportive of my hobbies; was easy to travel with and did much of the planning and driving; was not verballly or physically abusive or addicted to anything; was tolerant of my quirks such as my ADD and not being very organized around the house.
He could have been a good match for me as a friend or a platonic roommate. That he was not sexually or emotionally intimate with me made him a bad match for me as a husband because those things are important to me. They were so important that I divorced even though that meant moving out of my dream house and having to work jobs I disliked. I've now been divorced for almost 6 years. The only time I missed him was once when I needed to put a new lightbulb into a ceiling fixture and wished he could do it for me. I missed him for a minute. Then, I remembered I could use a ladder.
Cassiopeia, your h having some good qualities doesn't automatically mean that it is worth it to you to stay with him. It's up to you to figure out whether his good qualities and the benefits he brings to your life mean that you are better off with him than without him.
One last thing: My sons were 24 and 28 when I decided to divorce. If they had not been adults, my h's excellent parenting of them would have been cause for me to stay with him despite his lack of sexual and emotional intimacy with me. Sex and emotional intimacy with my h were less important to me than was my sons' living in a home with two involved parents. I'm still glad that I didn't divorce before my sons left our home.
Figure out what's most important to you and then find a way to be content with the results of that decision.
My W is an animal (cats, dogs, parrots) person. If you are one of those and ever find yourself homeless, look her up. She gives attention, food, snacks and excellent medical care and a very warm bed to sleep in.
She is good for medication (pills) advice because she was a medication nurse and she sort of keeps with how effective or dangerous some of the older and newer medications are.
When it comes to people, her attitude is they need to take care of them self, so she rarely sees the grand kids, that is my job. She is a shopping addict (TV and catalogs) with money she has and rarely leaves the house.
Post by worksforme2 on May 25, 2019 7:43:54 GMT -5
My X also has a lot of good qualities and many traits that taken on the whole are desirable. She is a meticulous house keeper with little tolerance for dust or dirt. She has good tastes when it comes to decorating, as long as it revolves around brown colors. She contributes to the homeless through various church activities and rarely fails to dish out some folding money when she drives past a homeless person at an intersection. She is very loving and caring toward her grandchildren, although not so much when it came to mine. She is good with money, a good cook, nearly as good as me. And generally speaking see looks for the positive aspects when faced with a difficult choice or situation. But she has some negative traits other than her sexless preference. She doesn't have a lot of empathy at times. She sees herself as an Alpha female and prefers the company of other Alphas. We were very good together until my job evaporated 10 yrs. ago and there was no possibility of me being re-employed in my field. She stopped seeing me as an Alpha male even though I probably contributed over half of the costs in maintaining our lifestyle. She did and does have many good qualities, but not enough to out weigh the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
She’s a rockstar architect who has the biggest account in town in the palm of her hands. She brings home more bacon in a year than this ol country boy thought he’d ever see in a lifetime, and my family raised hogs. :-) She’s a good mother, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good niece I suppose. Well that about sums it up, I reckon.
Post by workingonit on May 27, 2019 6:53:58 GMT -5
He is brilliant and incredibly interesting to talk with. He has a diversity of interests and is the most well read person I have ever known. He is honest to a fault. He is mostly immune to social or societal pressures. He has a surprising, quirky sense of humor that can literally make me cry from laughing. He indulges my love for live music. He wears fun socks. He has the loveliest green eyes. He is handsome. His bald head smells inexplicably like wild strawberries.
Post by tooyoungtobeold on May 28, 2019 16:04:34 GMT -5
My W is whip-smart, we enjoy many of the same things (outdoor walks, kayaking, animals, '80s movies) and she tolerates my old motorcycle hobby. For most of our marriage she made a very nice income in a contracted position that allowed her to be flexible and home when our kids were being raised. She's a good Mom, engaged and on-it. She also has a gift for logistics and planning that, when combined with my skills, make us pretty unstoppable when faced with any adversity. It's a good mix. She's active in the community and volunteers at many places, makes friends easily and cares for others.
If she wasn't surrounded by a tough outer shell, pretty great fit for me.
As you'd probably gather from the responses here - and the comments generally in the group - refusing spouses are not usually ogres with no redeeming features at all.
The thing is, your spouse brings there various attributes to the joint venture, and you bring yours. Then, they are all mixed together. And the result is - - a high level of compatibility and chemistry - an acceptable level of compatibility and chemistry - a borderline level of compatibility and chemistry - an unacceptable level of compatibility and chemistry - a low level of compatibility and chemistry.
And, if the mix fails to come up to expectations, that ain't necessarily anyone's fault. The failure of the mix does NOT necessarily make your spouse (or you) a failure.
What it does do however, is reveal that you are with an unsuitable person to realise your version of a marriage.
Your various attributes may - with the right person - produce a great mix. Similarly, your spouses various attributes may produce a great mix - with the right person.
Post by choosinghappy on May 29, 2019 20:40:24 GMT -5
My ex is incredibly hard working, generous, and a brilliant businessman. (He worked his way up from a truck driver to VP of a global company within 15 years.) He used to be funny. But now work is all he has.
Post by saarinista on May 29, 2019 20:41:13 GMT -5
Geeze, some of these spouses sound pretty good. Maybe some of us just need to swap with each other.;-)Just kidding, just kidding. I think.
See, my husband has good qualities, too. He gets me coffee every morning. He's tolerated my career snafus and annoying family. He doesn't drink or smoke or use drugs. He's in excellent shape; especially considering he's 71, and he's a nice looking man.
He's always ready to help a neighbor in need. He loves our dogs. He's sincere. Etc, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if I pushed him away or made him asexual somehow. Maybe I'm just not good at marriage. Maybe no one could ever be enough. And then I think hell, at this point, who's going to want ME?
I know some of that is the sexless marriage talking-but is it all is that all it is?
That's one of the things that scares me. Sigh.
Please forgive any typos or poor sentence structure. As I often say, you can have it perfect or you can have it now. Here, I choose now.
Saarinista Maybe I'm just not good at marriage. Maybe no one could ever be enough. And then I think hell, at this point, who's going to want ME?
I know some of that is the sexless marriage talking-but is it all is that all it is?
Saarinista, someone would like you but the rub from my perspective is how does one meet that person that really wants to be with you for the long term?
What I have been doing is thinking it might take multiple friends to fill different needs.
Northstarmom does things with several different of her friends so she doesn't rely on one person to fill most of her needs.
I am engaging different people to explore different interests. It is slow going, which is the disappointing part.
If I decide to ride my bicycle anywhere near your area, we could go out for an ice tea at Mcdonald's. Now, let me calculate the time~~~~~ OK it would only take 40 days plus some rest days for me to pedal to your area.
Post by northstarmom on May 31, 2019 6:12:42 GMT -5
Handy said: “I am engaging different people to explore different interests. It is slow going, which is the disappointing part..”’
Finding activities that you love and people to do them with takes time. You need the time to learn about yourself and what yiu like. You need the time to find and connect with people who are compatible with andv whom you can trust and be yourself with. This process took several years for me. And at first I ended up with people who were not compatible or who were using me in some way. Be patient. It’s a learning process. It also will involve your not connecting with people only by doing things for them.,
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5
grower: Embrace a change, you will wonder why you waited so long
Jul 9, 2020 11:22:56 GMT -5
grower: Your life clock is ticking away, don't waste all your time. Live some.
Jul 24, 2020 9:53:20 GMT -5
fred: blue guy, i was where you are 30 years ago. stayed.................nothing changed. if i didn't love this nice lady so much i'd be in deep regret. if she doesn't think of you in a hundred "other" ways (as does my wife) GET OUT ! Life is short
Aug 10, 2020 17:43:15 GMT -5
jerri: Yuk on the plucking chicken feathers. If a chicken doesn't get sex and intimacy she just finds a beautiful cock sooner or later. I'd say there's a much higher "philandering" rate than anyone would care to admit. The rooster who is tormented findsa chicken!
Sept 10, 2020 8:23:56 GMT -5
csl: And yet, there is an entire segment of ILIASM stayers.
Sept 10, 2020 22:04:05 GMT -5
jerri: Exactly I have read multiple threads. I was very impressed with all the different solutions everyone has found. Intellectual group and the camaraderie is nice
Sept 11, 2020 9:44:57 GMT -5
Handy: What happened to being light outside until 9:30 PM? It is 7:30 PM and dark now.
Sept 20, 2020 20:46:01 GMT -5
jerri: It's not hot there? I am getting a slight break from the heat! Cheer up buddy!
Sept 21, 2020 0:27:37 GMT -5
petrushka: Well WE are getting closer to summer. Just passed Equinox. I expect the solar panels will start paying for themselves again in the near future. (over the last few months they have merely mitigated the power bills).
Sept 21, 2020 21:00:36 GMT -5
wewbwb: jerri the average intelligence of the end posts rose greatly since I stopped posting ! Hope allis well!
Sept 26, 2020 7:29:23 GMT -5
jerri: Don't be too busy to post. Come back, wewbwb! 💜
Sept 26, 2020 20:12:33 GMT -5
Handy: Jerri, you bring intelligence, so stop that nonsense.
Sept 26, 2020 20:19:03 GMT -5