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Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2019 7:56:46 GMT -5
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Post by sadkat on May 14, 2019 9:59:56 GMT -5
This is a very good article northstarmom! Thank you for sharing.
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Post by h on May 14, 2019 10:06:59 GMT -5
Makes me realize, I have no community. None. Nobody in my day-to-day real life beyond my immediate family that is any more than an acquaintance and most of my family are only seen in Facebook posts.
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Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2019 11:57:57 GMT -5
H said: “I have no community. None. Nobody in my day-to-day real life beyond my immediate family that is any more than an acquaintance and most of my family are only seen in Facebook posts.”
I think that’s why so many stay in their sm: it’s their only companionship. That was true for me, too. After moving to another part of the country, it took me 12 years to find my community. I was so lonely until then but my husband didn’t understand because he saw no need for friends outside of our nuclear family. My finding a community and developing strong friendships independent of my husband was one of the things that gave me the confidence and support to leave my marriage. I also had developed the wisdom to know that a man who didn’t need friends was not the right partner for me.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2019 1:48:22 GMT -5
Yes. Shoring up your support network is a really good idea irrespective of your marital situation. And by shoring up, I don't mean "using up" or only plugging in to your support network when you have a crisis. Get pro-active. Extend your helping hand first - with no expectation that it will be reciprocated, or even appreciated. You want a friend ? .... then be one first.
A few people who actually give a shit about you (and you give a shit about them) .... that's about the best human resource there is.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 15, 2019 6:22:10 GMT -5
Makes me realize, I have no community. None. Nobody in my day-to-day real life beyond my immediate family that is any more than an acquaintance and most of my family are only seen in Facebook posts. You have us.
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 7:59:26 GMT -5
Baz said: “Shoring up your support network is a really good idea irrespective of your marital situation. And by shoring up, I don't mean "using up" or only plugging in to your support network when you have a crisis. Get pro-active. Extend your helping hand first - with no expectation that it will be reciprocated, or even appreciated.”
My own experience and what I’ve read here about how other refused and former refused operate is that the refused are more likely to establish relationships in which they are used by selfish others. Thus, my advice is to make sure that you aren’t the only one giving, supporting, and helping in your relationships. A real friend will be there for you just as you are there for them.
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Post by h on May 15, 2019 8:18:49 GMT -5
Makes me realize, I have no community. None. Nobody in my day-to-day real life beyond my immediate family that is any more than an acquaintance and most of my family are only seen in Facebook posts. You have us. I know. I was talking about "offline" or face-to-face community.
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Post by workingonit on May 15, 2019 10:00:35 GMT -5
I know. I was talking about "offline" or face-to-face community. Time for a skype call or meet up? Modern style community is essential for support for all of us.
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 10:22:47 GMT -5
It is possible to become friends -- real friends -- with people whom you encounter through on-line communities. If there's someone here who resonates with you, you can reach out through private message and share things that perhaps you wouldn't want the whole group to know. I've become FB friends with 3 women and one man (who is the spouse of one of the women. They are longtime partners after leaving their refusers) from the old EP. One I even met in person when I was in her area. We spent a wonderful afternoon together including some in depth personal conversations. Developing such friendships can be a step toward becoming comfortable building community where you live.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 15, 2019 10:51:42 GMT -5
I know. I was talking about "offline" or face-to-face community. Time for a skype call or meet up? Modern style community is essential for support for all of us. It has been a long time since we did one. I can host another daytime (east coast USA), how about May 29th?
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Post by hopingforachange on May 15, 2019 10:53:04 GMT -5
I know. I was talking about "offline" or face-to-face community. I figured as much, but figured I would remind you and anyone else that joins the forum.
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Post by sadkat on May 15, 2019 11:01:02 GMT -5
Time for a skype call or meet up? Modern style community is essential for support for all of us. It has been a long time since we did one. I can host another daytime (east coast USA), how about May 29th? Sounds like a great idea to me! If the time is right, I’d be happy to join in!
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