Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2019 11:57:57 GMT -5
H said: “I have no community. None. Nobody in my day-to-day real life beyond my immediate family that is any more than an acquaintance and most of my family are only seen in Facebook posts.”
I think that’s why so many stay in their sm: it’s their only companionship. That was true for me, too. After moving to another part of the country, it took me 12 years to find my community. I was so lonely until then but my husband didn’t understand because he saw no need for friends outside of our nuclear family. My finding a community and developing strong friendships independent of my husband was one of the things that gave me the confidence and support to leave my marriage. I also had developed the wisdom to know that a man who didn’t need friends was not the right partner for me.
Yes. Shoring up your support network is a really good idea irrespective of your marital situation. And by shoring up, I don't mean "using up" or only plugging in to your support network when you have a crisis. Get pro-active. Extend your helping hand first - with no expectation that it will be reciprocated, or even appreciated. You want a friend ? .... then be one first.
A few people who actually give a shit about you (and you give a shit about them) .... that's about the best human resource there is.
Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 7:59:26 GMT -5
Baz said: “Shoring up your support network is a really good idea irrespective of your marital situation. And by shoring up, I don't mean "using up" or only plugging in to your support network when you have a crisis. Get pro-active. Extend your helping hand first - with no expectation that it will be reciprocated, or even appreciated.”
My own experience and what I’ve read here about how other refused and former refused operate is that the refused are more likely to establish relationships in which they are used by selfish others. Thus, my advice is to make sure that you aren’t the only one giving, supporting, and helping in your relationships. A real friend will be there for you just as you are there for them.
Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 10:22:47 GMT -5
It is possible to become friends -- real friends -- with people whom you encounter through on-line communities. If there's someone here who resonates with you, you can reach out through private message and share things that perhaps you wouldn't want the whole group to know. I've become FB friends with 3 women and one man (who is the spouse of one of the women. They are longtime partners after leaving their refusers) from the old EP. One I even met in person when I was in her area. We spent a wonderful afternoon together including some in depth personal conversations. Developing such friendships can be a step toward becoming comfortable building community where you live.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: Thank you! Had a great party with the boardgamers group (and BBQ, cakes and cards!)
Jan 18, 2020 20:14:00 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! Sounds like a wonderful way to celebrate
Jan 18, 2020 22:10:28 GMT -5
frednsa: yaaaaiiiiiieeeeoooooouuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk ! OK, if feel better now.....
Feb 29, 2020 18:14:01 GMT -5
petrushka: Glad you got that off your chest ;-)
Mar 6, 2020 23:35:38 GMT -5
worksforme2: It is a sad day here in my small town, the only cinema has closed...it's probably close to 30 miles to get to one now...
Mar 7, 2020 19:48:28 GMT -5
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5