|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 20, 2019 1:46:17 GMT -5
Bill, widowed for 2 years found me on AM last year. He wanted a simple sexual relationship with no hang ups or emotions. It didn’t work out. I fell in love. I ended the relationship. I told him that I could not do this with him. I told him that I had fallen in love with him. I told him I was in jeopardy of destroying my life. He needed to find someone else. He back lashed and told me that I am very good at making men want me. Then he said that I am an amazing strong woman to break up with someone I am in love with.
After a year of non-communication, I had healed and moved on. He contacted me New Year’s Day and a week later we met for lunch at a resort near me. We walked and talked and kissed for three hours. We both cried and talked about what happened the previous year. It was as if no time had passed. We were so perfectly comfortable with each other. We hugged and kissed good bye.
No contact until April 16, Tuesday. I was working in the garage and had a sudden urge to contact him and ask him for lunch the next week. I sent a text and he replied immediately. He wanted to see me the next day at a resort that is midway between his farm and the coast.
We had a good talk during lunch. I was, as always truly honest about who I am and my situation. I told him that I am completely self made. I told him of when I was 23 years old with a baby. I was completely beaten down by my alcoholic husband and financial stress. I saw a woman my age with a baby. She was beautiful and well dressed. I decided that I wanted to look like her. I needed to change myself and make a better life. I told him how I ended up where I am, in a sexless marriage. The need to feel safe. I am safe. He was appalled that I have no money of my own. He asked if there was anyone that I would leave my husband for to have a better life. I told him no. He asked why not. I told him that it would be stupid. Where would I be if things didn’t work out? I was letting him know that I would not risk even for him. Then after a little thought I qualified that by saying that I would of course survive, I’m very good at surviving.
We talked about his dating. He has been through more than 200 meet and greets. He has had two relationships lasting longer than a month. Each woman had something lacking. He says that I’m the only woman he has ever wanted to see more than once. However, he has specific requirements in a mate:
Socio-economics - I’m unsuitable.
Education/intelligence - I’m unsuitable
Faith in God - I’m suitable.
Friends compatibility - N/A
Family compatibility- I’m unsuitable because I’m married.
He told me that I’m the only woman he finds impossible to resist. I’m the only woman he wanted to spend more and more time with. But alas, I am unsuitable.
He told me about an elite dating site he signed up for. The fee is well over $10,000 for both men and women. He met Debbie, who is a developer in Santa Barbara. She meets all his qualifications. He drives 3-1/2 hours from his farm to see her on weekends. Four months in the relationship and they have not had sex.
We went for a walk after lunch. He pulled me in and started kissing me. I became completely aroused. He really wanted me too. We were on our way to get a room. It didn’t feel right. I stopped him and asked him about his new girlfriend of four months. I asked if he really wanted to do something he would regret later. I told him that I did not want to be a source of resentment. He was shocked and said no he didn’t want to do that. I said good, we will not. He sighed and said “again, you are the strong one”.
We found a sitting area and sat and talked. He told me that he had been praying that morning I contacted him. He was looking for an answer and a sign that he was on the right path with this new woman. He believes God’s answer was to send me to test him. Me, the only woman he cannot resist. I must be bad thing in his mind.
He told me more about his new girlfriend. He took her to his sons wedding in Argentina. They spent several days sleeping in the same bed in a hotel in a romantic city without having sex. I told him I would have been extremely angry with him if he had done that to me. He replied that sex ruins things and makes things move too fast, involving emotions which leads to bad decisions. I asked if there was any chemistry between them and he exclaimed oh yes! Really? If there was chemistry between them, he would have had sex with her..
As we were talking, he went over and over the important things for a relationship. It’s all about the socioeconomic and family compatibility for him. Cold.
His foreman called. He had to leave to go get a part for a pump at the farm. He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. I told him I was going to dance. He said he would meet me there, he wanted to dance with me.
He drove for 1-1/2 hours to be with me at the dance hall. I taught him to two step and another couples dance. He sat close to me with his hand on my knee in a possessive manner. I was uncomfortable with that because everyone knows I’m married.
Around 9:30 he was ready to leave and I walked him to his car. He took me into his arms and kissed me and hugged me tightly and thanked me for being his friend.
I had to put this all down so I can let him go. Again. Unsuitable me.
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Apr 20, 2019 2:05:44 GMT -5
I can't understand why someone would think your intelligence is unsuitable. Education doesn't equal intelligence.
He is unsuitable though. Putting you in a position where you have to make tough decisions and be strong and sensible, because he only thinks of his own pleasure.
Good thing to let him go, but undoubtedly very difficult.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 20, 2019 3:16:21 GMT -5
From what you written about "Bill" I get a pretty unfavourable impression. And from that point of view it would read like he is unsuitable for you Sister Rhapsodee . In any event, all you need in a relationship is one unsuitable person (and it doesn't matter whether it's you or it's him) to put the kybosh on it going anywhere. Similar to an ILIASM deal. One unsuitable spouse is all it takes. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 20, 2019 9:02:04 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, between his absurd and elitist list of requirements, telling you you don’t measure up and his doing this - “He back lashed and told me that I am very good at making men want m—-“
he has demonstrated that HE is unsuitable for You. He sounds like an asshole. Therapy or reading some self help books for women who choose the wrong men could help you raise your standards.
|
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Apr 20, 2019 22:17:47 GMT -5
I think "Bill" has some issues that would have made you more miserable had you continued to see him and have sex with him. Your post reads Yes, he has some good traits but it shouts that he is using you as a hired friend that has some good qualities but if someone better (to him) comes along, you would be left behind or replaced.
I am not liking "Bill" because he sounds self centered.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2019 9:21:28 GMT -5
I consider Bill to be an elitist jackass whom you are better off without.
|
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 21, 2019 9:52:19 GMT -5
@ deedle I want to " like" this but I can't . My heart hurt for you. I to fell for a AP. While I planned to leave my exit plan was years away he told me he would never leave because he did and his grown sons resented him he ended up remarrying his ex. It was hard I kept my feelings under lock it eventually ended we still keep in touch.
I have several issues with your situation and I this is just my opinion I don't know you. But one of my good friends left a sexless abusive marriage and has since managed to pick men that don't do right by her.
I'm sure you are attracted to him for some reason but he does not seem like a good person. He is a widow available yet he is telling you he has feelings for you but you aren't good enough on paper? You are good enough and you deserve better than another person telling you you are not. You also need to have more faith in yourself you won't leave even if you fall for someone that is available and treats you right because it might end? You deserve better than telling yourself you can't do it on your own . If you aren't in counseling you should be.
I married very young didn't go to college had kids right away and was a stay at home mom. When my marriage started showing red flags I went to school when my kids were in school and started working part time then full time and worked my way up. He ran up debt to keep me there so my exit plan took forever . And while I'm not rich I can support myself . I paid off the debt and moved out at 52. I'm living in a one bedroom apt because I have a huge car payment. But I'm happy and managing. I have an amazing boyfriend ( former AP) we are moving into a house he bought next month. Yes I am having him sign papers that I can stay in the house if he dies first. And I will be stacking my savings and paying off my car but I fully expect to be together until we die. But I'm still making sure I'm ok if it doesn't turn out that way.
|
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Apr 21, 2019 9:56:27 GMT -5
I consider Bill to be an elitist jackass whom you are better off without. Absolutely- I would consider Bill wholly unsuitable for me. On account of him being a gold plated bell-end so far up himself he can’t see the light of day. Bloody cheek of it. |
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 21, 2019 14:25:24 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your support. Yes, he is an elitist asshole, most self made wealthy people are. It is a confusing position to be in for both of us. This thing wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be nothing more than sex.
I protect myself by saying that I’ll never leave my husband and he protects himself by repeating and explaining what is important in a potential mate. For some reason this makes me very open to him letting him see all my flaws and inadequacies. I even play them up a little. He has started doing the same. Telling me all his past sins and inadequacies. It’s a weird and stimulating friendship.
He tells me “maybe your situation will change” and I assure him that he will find his perfect woman.
|
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Apr 22, 2019 20:04:06 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your support. Yes, he is an elitist asshole, most self made wealthy people are. It is a confusing position to be in for both of us. This thing wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be nothing more than sex. I protect myself by saying that I’ll never leave my husband and he protects himself by repeating and explaining what is important in a potential mate. For some reason this makes me very open to him letting him see all my flaws and inadequacies. I even play them up a little. He has started doing the same. Telling me all his past sins and inadequacies. It’s a weird and stimulating friendship. He tells me “maybe your situation will change” and I assure him that he will find his perfect woman. That is a strange friendship. At some point I hope you will be able to unemotionally examine this relationship and determine what positive things you are getting out of it. It doesn’t sound like much. It sounds like it might be more toxic than healthy for you. “Unsuitable Me.” No. Unsuitable him. |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Apr 23, 2019 1:30:12 GMT -5
It definitely sounds toxic to me. But sometimes we're drawn to things that are bad for us, be it eating too much, exercising too little or spending time with people who disdain us like this dude is.
A question: why does he want to "waste" his time with you if he finds you so "unsuitable?" And is a man who spends his time this way worth YOUR time?
Only you can answer that question.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Apr 24, 2019 9:33:32 GMT -5
I agree with the "no" vote on this guy. So many red flags!! And the elitist stuff would drive me crazy.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 24, 2019 10:34:26 GMT -5
If it is any consolation for you Rhapsodee it seems that most of the members on this forum are unsuited to be with their current or former partner.
I would have thought my X and I were pretty close to a perfect match when I consider our political, religious, social temperaments, likes and dislikes, attitudes about so many things, food preferences, approaches to financial matters and much more. But it seems where intimacy is involved that facet of the relationship can blot out a substantial majority of other parts. We are all somewhat unsuited to our mates.
|
|
firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by firefollower on Apr 25, 2019 18:11:32 GMT -5
I am always uncomfortable with people who submit to a list of box checks to determine suitability. Relationships should be, IMO, organic, flexible and complimentary. I would never want someone just like me. Sister Rhapsodee, I feel for what you are going through...I don't think I can leave my marriage, so if I were to pursue someone to connect emotionally and physically, I should adjust my expectations accordingly.
|
|
