So Is It Really About Sex? A GREAT/MUST READ! From EP 2014
May 25, 2016 8:35:42 GMT -5
JMX, warmways, and 9 more like this
Post by cagedadventurer on May 25, 2016 8:35:42 GMT -5
This was posted on EP a while back. I could not find the user name but it is one of the best written analysis of the SM.
So Is It Really About Sex? What I Have Learned From A Long Term Sexless Marriage.
I read the stories here and see so many similar people in differing stages of understanding of sexless marriages. Some newbies are seeking a fix or cure. The older, more jaded, group having affairs, leaving the marriage or both simultaneously. We all believe or once believed that the physical act of sex is the source of our marital dysfunction. Over time we all will come to understand the reality of our situations.
If we take the macro view, sexless marriages come in two forms, physically unable to perform and emotionally unable to perform. Each is devastating painful and difficult to resolve. Let’s deal with each form separately.
I cannot imagine the pain of two individuals seeking to fulfill their desires for one another but blocked by an inability to consummate those desires due to some physical ailment. That would be a hellish existence. The upside is both parties would understand their situation. One would hope they were able to communicate openly to one another about their issues. The couple will still have to deal with the difficult decision of how to proceed with the relationship but the refused party (for lack of a better term) would understand why. There are no mind games associated with this problem. The difficult issue is not why but what to do about it. If there is a solutions to this problem it will be found in the medical field. If no solution is possible the couple still face the difficult decisions we all must face. No free passes.
If a healthy spouse refuses to be intimate with their mate, the relationship is suffering from emotional dysfunction. This definition describes most of us in ILIASM and will be the focus of the story. While we share the same pains of those dealing with health related issues, we also have additional burdens.
Emotionally driven sexless marriages are an affliction of the mind. The relationship starts out with much promise but evolves into a very empty existence. The partner that seemed so giving of themselves in the beginning now reluctantly gives of themselves emotionally. They seem distant, and unattached to their mate. A good night’s sleep is preferred as opposed to any interaction. Though many will maintain a pleasant relationship with their mate, participate in activities, family events and such, refusers will go out of their way to avoid intimate moments. Soon communication breaks down, very little physical interaction, (i.e. touching, kissing etc..). Sex, if there is any, is mostly unrewarding, with one partner acting as a disengaged participant. The marriage is an empty shell of the relationship that lead to marriage in the first place. They often leave the refused wondering what happened, what did I do to cause this and how do I fix this. This amounts to chasing the dreaded “why”!
Emotionally driven sexless marriages are a mental game of hide and seek. The intimacy averse (i.e.rufuser) is unable to allow anyone to be emotionally close to them so they secretly sabotage their relationships. They do this in order to protect themselves from emotional pain they could possible experience if they let someone in. They are also desperately driven to hide their devious activities in order to blame their partner if the relationship fails. Most refusers want or need their mate to stay in the relationship. They serve a base need to the refuser or they would have been sent away long ago. Many therapist believe the refusers actions are a response developed in the early years of their lives. They also believe the refuser is not aware of the trauma they are causing to the relationship or their mate. In my own experiences I find that hard to believe.
A successful emotionally driven sexless marriage requires a co-dependent (i.e.refusie). They long for the connection they once shared with the now refusing partner and are willing to endure a great deal of pain and rejection to get back those feelings. The co-dependent refusie will internalize the rejections of their mate as a reflection of their own shortcomings in the relationship. They can spend years sheepishly trying to please their mate while avoiding confrontation. Many ILIASM’ers are co-dependent refusies.
At some point the co-dependent will confront the refuser about the status of the relationship. This is what we refer to as the “Talk or Talks” as the case maybe. A successful “talk” the refused may receive an answer which may sound like the following, “I simply do not have the same needs as you”, “ or “ I am no longer attracted to you”. I call this successful as it is an honest representation of their feeling for the refusie. It may be hard to hear and painful but it is a moment of truth. A refusie that hears these words should take them as a call to action and begin ending the marriage as soon as possible. It may be painful but in the long term it is the right decision.
An unsuccessful “Talk” will force the refuser into a change of strategy in order to maintain the deception. Remember, the refuser needs their co-dependent to be in the relationship. Since they have been confronted with the “Talk” they longer can use rejection as a tool to push their partner away and they are exposed to potential emotional upheaval. They may increase emotional intimacy as much as necessary to sustain the current status. They may also choose to allow more sexual activity in hopes of complying without an emotional connection. This is often defined here as “Reset Sex”. Sometimes, the refusie is sent on futile task in order to right the relationship after the “Talk”. They do more chores around the house, set up date nights, sexy night time cloths, plan romantic getaways or burn the now famous “Bacon Scented Candles”. These task represent the emotional distractions the refusers uses to keep our focus elsewhere.
Whichever outcomes result the from the “Talk”, most often, time will lead back to where they began, in an emotionally void, sexless marriage. This is the result of not dealing with the primary issue poisoning the relationship, the intimacy averse refuser. I believe a fix to these types relationship are as rare as a million dollar lottery winner but do happen from time to time.
Given enough time, the co-dependent builds emotional walls to protect themselves from their tormentor. They are no longer willing to expose themselves to the pain and humiliation of rejection so they accept the relationship on terms defined by the refuser. By this time, hopes for a cure have faded away and complacency has set in. An unhappy truce defines the relationship. Conversations center on family, work and kids. Many will no longer sleep in the same room as their mate. Many refusies may have spent countless hours researching terms such as sexless marriage, intimacy aversion, intimacy void marriage, passive aggressive behaviors, etc on the internet, which has lead them here. They have amassed a great deal of knowledge about their situations and perhaps devised a path or “Exit Strategy” to a future freedom. Many will end the relationships and move on if they are able. Many will stay in their unhappy relationships for reasons such as fear, financial restraints, children, family, etc… Others will stay and find the intimacy they have sought in an affair or many affairs. Some will suffer in silence indefinitely.
Emotional driven sexless marriage is such as difficult relationship. In order to effect change necessary to sustain the relationship one must confront the issue directly and early in the relationship. No matter the will, the co-dependent cannot fix the relationship alone. It will require the refuser to actively participate in a solution to a problem they likely do not admit exists. The refused must establish boundaries and timelines when confronting refusers on these issues. They most likely will require an ultimatum in order to participate. If intimacy aversion is the cause, the refuser will have to undergo countless hours of individual therapy combined with hours of couple’s therapy. Unless they are truly committed to a solution all efforts will eventually fail. Is he/she starving for attention and approval of others leaving you in the balance?
It may be a difficult truth but most emotionally driven sexless marriage do fail. They fail because only one party was ever truly committed to the relationship. They fail as years rejection, pain, loneliness erode the bonds that once were present. A successful long term marriage requires both parties to be committed to the needs of the other. I wish I could give a more positive outlook for those in our situations but I cannot. If solutions were abundant the largest group on EP would be called “How I solved my Sexless Marriage”. END
The following also from EP will be of interest:
One of the things that seems to most elude people on here is why refusers refuse, and whether that can by changed or not. But I had a thought:
Pretty much everyone in the ILIASM group has a partner that refuses to have sex - for whatever reason, but they are clearly capable of doing so or would be capable of doing so if they saw to their physical, emotional and mental issues.
That's why we call them refusers. It's not just that they refuse sex. There's virtually a checklist:
1. They refuse to admit there is a problem. When pressed desperately by an unhappy spouse that has reached their limits, they swear everything will change and then go right back to refusing to believe there's a problem after a couple of weeks.
2. They refuse to change - over the long run, although it is virtually guaranteed they will "change" temporarily in emergency situations.
3. They refuse to care about their mate's normal and natural needs and desires, believing that they're shallow for wanting sex more than twice a year and acting like there is something wrong with YOU. They'll make excuses, cop-outs, any number of things to put you off.
4. They refuse to expend too much effort on anything that doesn't directly or apparently benefit them.
5. They refuse to listen. They may nod their head, they might HEAR you, but they will not listen. In their minds you are just unhappy and need a temporary pacifier so they can go back to business as usual.
This causes lots of other problems in the marriage too, because they do it with EVERY concern, not just sex.
6. They refuse to accept responsibility. They will blame every problem on you or someone else or their jobs or their stress or weight or health or habits or addictions or past trauma or parents... But not themselves. NEVER themselves. It never occurs to them.
7. They refuse to understand that it's a MARRIAGE, which is comprised of TWO PEOPLE, and that ALL problems in the marriage BEGIN AND END WITH THOSE TWO PEOPLE. When you're already doing everything you can and it's still falling apart it's usually because THEY AREN'T PULLING THEIR WEIGHT.
8. Even when outside authority figures with years of training and advanced degrees in psychology fault their behaviors or reasoning they refuse to believe it.
That's why the name is so damned appropriate - because it's what they do to everything for some damned reason and who cares how unhappy it makes someone that is loyal, loves, adores and supports them?
Why do they refuse? That seems to vary, the same as certain psychological conditions can be caused by a number of different things - but the end result is the same.
So Is It Really About Sex? What I Have Learned From A Long Term Sexless Marriage.
I read the stories here and see so many similar people in differing stages of understanding of sexless marriages. Some newbies are seeking a fix or cure. The older, more jaded, group having affairs, leaving the marriage or both simultaneously. We all believe or once believed that the physical act of sex is the source of our marital dysfunction. Over time we all will come to understand the reality of our situations.
If we take the macro view, sexless marriages come in two forms, physically unable to perform and emotionally unable to perform. Each is devastating painful and difficult to resolve. Let’s deal with each form separately.
I cannot imagine the pain of two individuals seeking to fulfill their desires for one another but blocked by an inability to consummate those desires due to some physical ailment. That would be a hellish existence. The upside is both parties would understand their situation. One would hope they were able to communicate openly to one another about their issues. The couple will still have to deal with the difficult decision of how to proceed with the relationship but the refused party (for lack of a better term) would understand why. There are no mind games associated with this problem. The difficult issue is not why but what to do about it. If there is a solutions to this problem it will be found in the medical field. If no solution is possible the couple still face the difficult decisions we all must face. No free passes.
If a healthy spouse refuses to be intimate with their mate, the relationship is suffering from emotional dysfunction. This definition describes most of us in ILIASM and will be the focus of the story. While we share the same pains of those dealing with health related issues, we also have additional burdens.
Emotionally driven sexless marriages are an affliction of the mind. The relationship starts out with much promise but evolves into a very empty existence. The partner that seemed so giving of themselves in the beginning now reluctantly gives of themselves emotionally. They seem distant, and unattached to their mate. A good night’s sleep is preferred as opposed to any interaction. Though many will maintain a pleasant relationship with their mate, participate in activities, family events and such, refusers will go out of their way to avoid intimate moments. Soon communication breaks down, very little physical interaction, (i.e. touching, kissing etc..). Sex, if there is any, is mostly unrewarding, with one partner acting as a disengaged participant. The marriage is an empty shell of the relationship that lead to marriage in the first place. They often leave the refused wondering what happened, what did I do to cause this and how do I fix this. This amounts to chasing the dreaded “why”!
Emotionally driven sexless marriages are a mental game of hide and seek. The intimacy averse (i.e.rufuser) is unable to allow anyone to be emotionally close to them so they secretly sabotage their relationships. They do this in order to protect themselves from emotional pain they could possible experience if they let someone in. They are also desperately driven to hide their devious activities in order to blame their partner if the relationship fails. Most refusers want or need their mate to stay in the relationship. They serve a base need to the refuser or they would have been sent away long ago. Many therapist believe the refusers actions are a response developed in the early years of their lives. They also believe the refuser is not aware of the trauma they are causing to the relationship or their mate. In my own experiences I find that hard to believe.
A successful emotionally driven sexless marriage requires a co-dependent (i.e.refusie). They long for the connection they once shared with the now refusing partner and are willing to endure a great deal of pain and rejection to get back those feelings. The co-dependent refusie will internalize the rejections of their mate as a reflection of their own shortcomings in the relationship. They can spend years sheepishly trying to please their mate while avoiding confrontation. Many ILIASM’ers are co-dependent refusies.
At some point the co-dependent will confront the refuser about the status of the relationship. This is what we refer to as the “Talk or Talks” as the case maybe. A successful “talk” the refused may receive an answer which may sound like the following, “I simply do not have the same needs as you”, “ or “ I am no longer attracted to you”. I call this successful as it is an honest representation of their feeling for the refusie. It may be hard to hear and painful but it is a moment of truth. A refusie that hears these words should take them as a call to action and begin ending the marriage as soon as possible. It may be painful but in the long term it is the right decision.
An unsuccessful “Talk” will force the refuser into a change of strategy in order to maintain the deception. Remember, the refuser needs their co-dependent to be in the relationship. Since they have been confronted with the “Talk” they longer can use rejection as a tool to push their partner away and they are exposed to potential emotional upheaval. They may increase emotional intimacy as much as necessary to sustain the current status. They may also choose to allow more sexual activity in hopes of complying without an emotional connection. This is often defined here as “Reset Sex”. Sometimes, the refusie is sent on futile task in order to right the relationship after the “Talk”. They do more chores around the house, set up date nights, sexy night time cloths, plan romantic getaways or burn the now famous “Bacon Scented Candles”. These task represent the emotional distractions the refusers uses to keep our focus elsewhere.
Whichever outcomes result the from the “Talk”, most often, time will lead back to where they began, in an emotionally void, sexless marriage. This is the result of not dealing with the primary issue poisoning the relationship, the intimacy averse refuser. I believe a fix to these types relationship are as rare as a million dollar lottery winner but do happen from time to time.
Given enough time, the co-dependent builds emotional walls to protect themselves from their tormentor. They are no longer willing to expose themselves to the pain and humiliation of rejection so they accept the relationship on terms defined by the refuser. By this time, hopes for a cure have faded away and complacency has set in. An unhappy truce defines the relationship. Conversations center on family, work and kids. Many will no longer sleep in the same room as their mate. Many refusies may have spent countless hours researching terms such as sexless marriage, intimacy aversion, intimacy void marriage, passive aggressive behaviors, etc on the internet, which has lead them here. They have amassed a great deal of knowledge about their situations and perhaps devised a path or “Exit Strategy” to a future freedom. Many will end the relationships and move on if they are able. Many will stay in their unhappy relationships for reasons such as fear, financial restraints, children, family, etc… Others will stay and find the intimacy they have sought in an affair or many affairs. Some will suffer in silence indefinitely.
Emotional driven sexless marriage is such as difficult relationship. In order to effect change necessary to sustain the relationship one must confront the issue directly and early in the relationship. No matter the will, the co-dependent cannot fix the relationship alone. It will require the refuser to actively participate in a solution to a problem they likely do not admit exists. The refused must establish boundaries and timelines when confronting refusers on these issues. They most likely will require an ultimatum in order to participate. If intimacy aversion is the cause, the refuser will have to undergo countless hours of individual therapy combined with hours of couple’s therapy. Unless they are truly committed to a solution all efforts will eventually fail. Is he/she starving for attention and approval of others leaving you in the balance?
It may be a difficult truth but most emotionally driven sexless marriage do fail. They fail because only one party was ever truly committed to the relationship. They fail as years rejection, pain, loneliness erode the bonds that once were present. A successful long term marriage requires both parties to be committed to the needs of the other. I wish I could give a more positive outlook for those in our situations but I cannot. If solutions were abundant the largest group on EP would be called “How I solved my Sexless Marriage”. END
The following also from EP will be of interest:
One of the things that seems to most elude people on here is why refusers refuse, and whether that can by changed or not. But I had a thought:
Pretty much everyone in the ILIASM group has a partner that refuses to have sex - for whatever reason, but they are clearly capable of doing so or would be capable of doing so if they saw to their physical, emotional and mental issues.
That's why we call them refusers. It's not just that they refuse sex. There's virtually a checklist:
1. They refuse to admit there is a problem. When pressed desperately by an unhappy spouse that has reached their limits, they swear everything will change and then go right back to refusing to believe there's a problem after a couple of weeks.
2. They refuse to change - over the long run, although it is virtually guaranteed they will "change" temporarily in emergency situations.
3. They refuse to care about their mate's normal and natural needs and desires, believing that they're shallow for wanting sex more than twice a year and acting like there is something wrong with YOU. They'll make excuses, cop-outs, any number of things to put you off.
4. They refuse to expend too much effort on anything that doesn't directly or apparently benefit them.
5. They refuse to listen. They may nod their head, they might HEAR you, but they will not listen. In their minds you are just unhappy and need a temporary pacifier so they can go back to business as usual.
This causes lots of other problems in the marriage too, because they do it with EVERY concern, not just sex.
6. They refuse to accept responsibility. They will blame every problem on you or someone else or their jobs or their stress or weight or health or habits or addictions or past trauma or parents... But not themselves. NEVER themselves. It never occurs to them.
7. They refuse to understand that it's a MARRIAGE, which is comprised of TWO PEOPLE, and that ALL problems in the marriage BEGIN AND END WITH THOSE TWO PEOPLE. When you're already doing everything you can and it's still falling apart it's usually because THEY AREN'T PULLING THEIR WEIGHT.
8. Even when outside authority figures with years of training and advanced degrees in psychology fault their behaviors or reasoning they refuse to believe it.
That's why the name is so damned appropriate - because it's what they do to everything for some damned reason and who cares how unhappy it makes someone that is loyal, loves, adores and supports them?
Why do they refuse? That seems to vary, the same as certain psychological conditions can be caused by a number of different things - but the end result is the same.
