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Post by lessingham on Apr 2, 2019 15:58:56 GMT -5
Two recent deaths have shaken me. One was my room mate from university. He was so golden as a youth and he died mid 60s.the first of my college demographic. Today an old work colleague, we grumbled and moaned our way through 30 years of work together. He died this morning. He never recovered from his son dying, I know heaven will have to wait as they have bunked off to go fishing together again.
Life runs in cycles. Your mates go to college, your family is all weddings and kids and you bury your parents. But then tbe bright eyed companions of your youth take a bow and vanish. I feel the cold wings of death a little tonight
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 3, 2019 13:15:38 GMT -5
When old friends die is a reminder that our own lives are finite. This can inspire one to make the best use fo one's life that one can. For me, the deaths of friends who were in their 50s helped inspire me to divorce when I was 61. Life is short . I didn't want to die regretting I had lacked the courage to leave a miserable marriage. I also didn't want to spend part of my life caring for or being cared for by a man whom I no longer loved like a spouse. Now -- 6 years after my divorce -- when I die, I will have no major regrets. The top 5 regrets of the dying: 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. 3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. www.huffpost.com/entry/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying_n_3640593 |
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Post by Handy on Apr 3, 2019 13:32:59 GMT -5
NSM
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I am going to add #6 and #7.
6. I wish I could let go of mostly feeling I have to be responsible for some outcomes where I know others control the outcome much more than I do.
(a helpful saying) Not my circus, not my monkeys.
7. Have a little more fun by letting go of thinking about some "what if ______________ goes wrong.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2019 21:52:58 GMT -5
I've got some recollection of reading (can't recall where or by whom) that the biggest regret people had when faced with cashing in their chips was - "The things they didn't do rather than the things they did do".
Dunno how accurately I have recalled that quote, but it sure sounded suitably enigmatic.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 4, 2019 13:36:24 GMT -5
Yes, the saddest thing on a gravestone are the words, "if only".
My regret will be fleeting, I have a hot date to a tea dance on the Rings of Saturn.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 5, 2019 16:51:34 GMT -5
And then the other shoe drops. Mrs L has been to the doctors and has to go to the hospital for "tests". We are going on Tuesday and I think all bets are off until we find out.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 5, 2019 17:03:00 GMT -5
And then the other shoe drops. Mrs L has been to the doctors and has to go to the hospital for "tests". We are going on Tuesday and I think all bets are off until we find out. I am sorry to hear your news lessingham I wish you both well. An over abundance of caution with any luck. She’s lucky to have you. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 17:42:24 GMT -5
Lessingham said: "And then the other shoe drops. Mrs L has been to the doctors and has to go to the hospital for "tests". We are going on Tuesday and I think all bets are off until we find out."
I still suggest that you talk to a lawyer. I've found that the older we get, the more tests doctors have us undergo. This year, because I was a little anemic, my doctor referred me to an oncologist and I had a variety of tests only to --with relief -- that apparently I am fine. Since I turned 60, i've had other hospital tests and have always ended up being fine. So, don't assume that your wife is really ill. There's a good chance that she may not be. Talking to a lawyer now would not impede you from caregiving if she ends up being ill.
This also is a cautionary tale for the many here who think they have unlimited time to take the steps to divorce. You could end up in the situation that my mother ended up being in after decades of a horrible marriage. My father had a series of strokes that left him partly paralyzed and incontinent and my mother ended up being his caregiver for several years until he died. By then, my mom was so tired and stressed that she told me and her grandkids that every night she prayed to die. This was a reason why at 60 I decided to divorce my refuser husband. I didn't want to end up being like my mom nor did I want to end up disabled and under my refuser's care. Two years later, he got kidney cancer. I was glad to no longer be married to him.
Questions that are particularly important for seniors considering divorce to ponder: If I don't divorce, how would I feel being my spouse's caregiver for several years? What if I became incapacitated and my spouse became my caregiver? Would it be better to be single or to be in one of those situations?
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Post by Handy on Apr 5, 2019 17:48:17 GMT -5
What if I became incapacitated and my spouse became my caregiver?
I certainly don't like the idea of living at home.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 6, 2019 16:02:23 GMT -5
I am determined to be positive and say it is the doc covering all bases. Come Tuesday we will see what we see
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Dark wings
Apr 14, 2019 16:20:16 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lessingham on Apr 14, 2019 16:20:16 GMT -5
We did the scan and tomorrow, Monday, we see the doc for the results. My money is on inconclusive and more tests needed.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 17, 2019 1:48:43 GMT -5
A person can divorce and still take their ex to the Dr., if they feel guilty. Life is short. how much time do we older iliasmers think we have? Seriously!
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Post by lessingham on Apr 17, 2019 8:41:33 GMT -5
Have you read Small Gods by Terry Pratchett? The hero at one point gives a massive help to the baddy. He is told he does not have to do it. "If I did not do it, I would not be me." Sometimes things have to be done to be true to ones self.
Ps, I am hoping that God gives me another to to make up for things
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 17, 2019 9:16:16 GMT -5
Have you read Small Gods by Terry Pratchett? The hero at one point gives a massive help to the baddy. He is told he does not have to do it. "If I did not do it, I would not be me." Sometimes things have to be done to be true to ones self. Ps, I am hoping that God gives me another to to make up for things We have a saying here in the US you probably have heard. The good lord helps those who help themselves. When it comes to marriage vows I take the approach that both parties have entered into an agreement. They have sworn to "have and to hold" and keep them selves only to each other. When one spouse chucks the vows out the window the other spouse is no longer bound by them. If they no longer "honor and obey' must you be bound to "honor and obey"? I don't think so. I don't think we should depend on our creator to fix everything and make it right at some point. If a wrong is to be righted then perhaps it is up to the person who has been wronged to set things right. If you have and are being cheated out of emotional, physical and sexual happiness by your spouse and if these things are part and parcel of who you are, then perhaps being "true to yourself" would mean you set about to have those things in your life. |
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Dark wings
Apr 17, 2019 16:36:16 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lessingham on Apr 17, 2019 16:36:16 GMT -5
Small gods is a terribly angry book about how religion kills gods. We cease to worship the god and spend all our time following the minute details of the religion
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