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Post by smith227 on Mar 23, 2019 20:19:26 GMT -5
I was single for I think a significant amount of time after my first divorce, 5 years. During that time had times where I felt lonely and it didn’t feel great, but it was expected. I was actively not dating, and working on myself and my career. I thought it was important that after a 10 year marriage that I find myself again, readjust. To not rush in to anything and fill one void left by someone with someone else. To instead, fill it with self worth and respect. Long story, short I feel like I did everything right. So, how did I end up where I’m at now?
What gets me is this awful loneliness I feel sitting next to the person I married. I detach, stay indifferent and feel okay. Then out of nowhere I have a day where I’d like to just be hugged. Nothing even close to sexual. Just to have someone reach over and touch my back or shoulder and it’s unbearable. But I’m sitting next to the man I married, he married me and that’s just not allowed. I know I’m just having a bad day/hour/minute and it will pass, but wow. I’m miserable.
I’ve gained so much weight in the last several months. Why should I care about feeling slim and sexy like I normally would? Like I have my entire life? Nobody touches me. No one sees me without layer and layers of clothes. I’ve stopped taking care of my skin. He never can bring himself to look me in the eyes or anywhere near my face. Things like that are far too intimate, so why bother? I barely even shower anymore. Fabreeze has become my go to bc I can be bothered to do laundry. This is all so embarrassing to admit even on an anonymous website. At work, no one would even know bc I just started my new job two months ago and can put myself together enough to pass as a normal human when I leave the house. But if anyone there were to see photos of me from even a year ago, they wouldn’t believe it. I feel like I’ve aged a decade in the last year.
Sorry for the rant. I just feel like I want to crawl out of my skin right now, and rather than start a fight with my roommate, I thought I could vent on here a bit. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me affected by this anymore. He thinks things are wonderful bc I’ve pretty much stopped talking and I want to blinside him when I can finally leave. Just like he blindsided me with this bullshit excuse of a marriage. And bc fuck him.
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Post by baza on Mar 23, 2019 20:56:53 GMT -5
A dysfunctional marriage sure does a number on your self esteem. Feeling for you Sister smith227 . |
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Post by smith227 on Mar 23, 2019 21:05:46 GMT -5
A dysfunctional marriage sure does a number on your self esteem. Feeling for you Sister smith227 . Thanks. It will pass and I’ll be fine. It’s just the meantime that gets me every now and then. I don’t even see him as human anymore, bc I refuse to believe that an actual person could behave and exist the way he does. It’s like I’m living with an alien. |
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Post by warmways on Mar 23, 2019 23:27:15 GMT -5
I’m so sorry you’re having to live like this for now. You’ll get out. I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote. My divorce was final on 2/20 but i lived without any touch or much communication for several years and am just now beginning to start to sort of thaw out.
I still don’t have physical contact except the occasional hug from my mom or friends but at least I’m free. You will be too.
What sustained me though was to start to take ultra care of myself despite my harsh environment. I’d see myself as a beautiful flower in a desert. Lol
seriously. I treated myself well because he wouldn’t.
Good luck okay.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 24, 2019 0:38:50 GMT -5
You know what is even harder is when you're sitting in a room of people and you see wives or husbands reaching over and rubbing their spouses or bf/gf's back or shoulders or are holding hands or even see them look at each other and smile.
Of course, it's not their fault, but when I'm sitting next to my wife, who will usually put something between us like her purse or a bag and I see another couple doing that, it's all I can do to not tear up. I get a lump in my throat and realize I'm living with someone who doesn't want me, but at one time did.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 24, 2019 7:15:12 GMT -5
You know what is even harder is when you're sitting in a room of people and you see wives or husbands reaching over and rubbing their spouses or bf/gf's back or shoulders or are holding hands or even see them look at each other and smile. Of course, it's not their fault, but when I'm sitting next to my wife, who will usually put something between us like her purse or a bag and I see another couple doing that, it's all I can do to not tear up. I get a lump in my throat and realize I'm living with someone who doesn't want me, but at one time did. I understand what you mean, but it would disgust me if my roommate tried to do anything that even resembled affection to me in public or private at this point bc I know it’s all so fake. I don’t think of him as someone who once wanted me. I think of him as this deceptive piece of shit who tricked me and lied to me. I’m not craving affection from him. I just miss human touch that I know I’ll never get while in the mess that I’m in. Like I wrote before, I’ll get over it. I just get really bitter about more often than not these days. |
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Post by sadkat on Mar 24, 2019 10:01:21 GMT -5
smith227- I’m sorry you’re having a rough time of it. I understand it all too well! It’s very hard when you crave affection and don’t have access to it. Please make an effort to love yourself. Start taking care of your body again- I promise, it will help. It will give you something to focus on other than the sm. Virtual hugs to you! I hope you can get past this slump soon!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 24, 2019 10:49:09 GMT -5
@ smith227 I think being married and lonely is worse than being alone. I think most of have felt like you do right now. I also gained weight then convinced myself that's why I was in a SM and no one would want me. Going through pictures one day I realized I wasn't fat until long after. Then I got angry. Looking good and taking care of yourself is the best revenge and takes up time and heels the depression. So take care of you. Go out more with friends or family coworkers. Anything to get out of that situation for a while.
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isome
New Member
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Post by isome on Mar 24, 2019 11:13:42 GMT -5
“What gets me is this awful loneliness I feel sitting next to the person I married. I detach, stay indifferent and feel okay. Then out of nowhere I have a day where I’d like to just be hugged. Nothing even close to sexual. “ “I’ve gained so much weight in the last several months. Why should I care about feeling slim and sexy like I normally would? Like I have my entire life? Nobody touches me. “ “But if anyone there were to see photos of me from even a year ago, they wouldn’t believe it.” Neglect can age you in every aspect. Your well-being is more important than anything. I never thought being married could be so lonely. You will get through this-I know I feel more hopeful having found this group. smith227 be good to yourself. Feed your soul with goodness; guided meditation, restorative yoga....I know I have those days that I just want to be held, touched, any kind of positive contact with another human. “And bc fuck him.” Yeah girl...take you back ❤️ |
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Post by Handy on Mar 24, 2019 11:38:08 GMT -5
smith227, I had some of your problems too (weight) and decided I have to go to the gym, ride my bicycle more and get out of the house to meet people. The wisdom and advice of this and other forums is, "don't do these things in hopes your spouse notices, do them for YOU. I have made a few friends outside of the house doing some outside activities.
It is a slow road back towards a better weight but staying stuck where you are right now leads to being in a deeper rut in the future.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 24, 2019 13:04:04 GMT -5
Just sending hugs smith227. You know I was in an affectionless, touchless marriage as well so I can completely relate. And I had a time when I felt bitterness and anger (and resentment) but it passed. And the way it passed was that I stopped caring about him. Stopped focusing on him. Instead, I cared about me. I took better care of myself physically, I did things that were good for my mental health (from therapy to meditation to going out with friends to outsourcing), and I basically lived like a single person while I waited for my exit. And now that I’m out of that situation I am very happy. I think the key is to not let you lose yourSELF in all of this. He forced celibacy and lack of touch upon you, don’t let him take away other parts of you too. I do think you’ve sounded increasingly miserable over the last couple months and you know it. So take care of YOU. Fuck him (not literally heh). Realize your worth and as the saying goes, know that your worth does not decrease based on his inability to see it. As my therapist told me: “Don’t let anyone dull your shine”. You do you. It’s his loss. |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 25, 2019 0:13:56 GMT -5
smith227 I'm sorry your in this place and I kinda know how you're feeling. I know how it goes when you feel useless. Junk food can be a cheap and available drug, but like any drug, it's bad for you in the long run. I've managed to do some hard walking lately-it's hilly where I live and though it's not a fancy workout, it counts as exercise. Moving and oxygenation are so important to physical and mental health. try not to think about losing weight maybe. just try to think of moving and feeling alive and healthy. I also strongly recommend yoga. it helps your body and your soul. Try not to feel embarrassed about sharing, at least not here. we're all in the dumper, or have been. There are no easy answers, but there is always hope. Again , I feel your pain. 😕❤️
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Post by smith227 on Mar 25, 2019 8:07:38 GMT -5
Thanks for responding everyone. I really appreciate the support. Last night he asked me if I wanted to go to a friend of his house this coming weekend. I told him that I didn’t. I told him I didn’t mind if he went but I had no interest in going. What I wanted to tell him was that I’m no longer going to pretend in front of your friends and family that we’re normal for your benefit. Nor do I choose to make myself look bad by going and getting so upset that I call you out on the facades you put on, so I choose to stay home. I’m not having that argument, though. In fact I’m never having another argument with him again. It doesn’t solve anything and is never worth it.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 25, 2019 9:43:58 GMT -5
Smith, not going out with your husband and putting on a facade is an important step to being your real self all of the time. Another step to consider is going out without your husband and doing things you enjoy around people you can be your true self with.
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 25, 2019 10:25:00 GMT -5
Smitth227, I can also relate to what you are going through. For several years I was almost desperate for touch and human companionship. That experience left some emotional scars for certain. Sorry to hear you are going through this! Below are a few ideas that have helped me cope.
Regular massages over the last several years have helped immensely. (An hour long, full body massage every two weeks.) At first I started this because my back hurt. I realized after a few weeks that the emotional / psychological benefits were even more important than the physiological results. I would LOVE to do this every week...but that doesn't fit in the budget so well! A massage is NOT a substitute for sex or for intimacy. Being touched helps with coping though.
My elderly parents have moved close to my home. I see them most every day. (They are needing help with daily living stuff!) My mother loves to hug, so I'm receiving a few hugs from her as well.
I realize that neither of these suggestions are a replacement for a loving, intimate relationship. Perhaps these ideas will help a little bit though.
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