|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on May 25, 2016 1:43:14 GMT -5
I used to have so much drive and ambition. So excited with life and all its potential. Over 28 years, this SM has eroded my core to a point where I feel neutralized. My dreams, hopes and plans seem pointless. For all my successes, they return empty when at home it'so lonely. She never wants to go anywhere,or experience anything new. I have to either not plan anything or go with kids only. She sure likes gossip and loves to talk and I've done my share of listening for sure. But I don't even get a "have a good day at work". Never has taken the time to see me off on any business trip. Won't even consider me to point of preparing coffee maker for next day. What's wrong with me...hanging around? The kids I tell myself. I'm so angry in the mornings to point of tears but by end of work day distractions, I stay to endure another day. WHY?!?!?!?! She once said we have a good thing here, maybe not "that" but all else.... Is she simply that clueless to what marriage is? Do refusers live in a land of delusion with no clue the pain inflicted? I'm at an IHOP frustrated with even being in the same house with her - she just pushed me away again - And I'm hungry  |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 25, 2016 1:57:10 GMT -5
I used to have so much drive and ambition. So excited with life and all its potential. Over 28 years, this SM has eroded my core to a point where I feel neutralized. My dreams, hopes and plans seem pointless. For all my successes, they return empty when at home it'so lonely. She never wants to go anywhere,or experience anything new. I have to either not plan anything or go with kids only. She sure likes gossip and loves to talk and I've done my share of listening for sure. But I don't even get a "have a good day at work". Never has taken the time to see me off on any business trip. Won't even consider me to point of preparing coffee maker for next day. What's wrong with me...hanging around? The kids I tell myself. I'm so angry in the mornings to point of tears but by end of work day distractions, I stay to endure another day. WHY?!?!?!?! She once said we have a good thing here, maybe not "that" but all else.... Is she simply that clueless to what marriage is? Do refusers live in a land of delusion with no clue the pain inflicted? I'm at an IHOP frustrated with even being in the same house with her - she just pushed me away again - And I'm hungry Hi Chris. Sounds all too familiar.. I'm only at 17 years though! Sounds like you are waiting for a cataclysmic event to tip you into action perhaps? That's my usual frame of mind. Pissed off but waiting! Internet hugs coming your way xx |
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 25, 2016 2:20:32 GMT -5
Avoidant spouses don't "want" you - but they DO "want you around" - in the role of financier, social prop, child minder and suchlike.
They invariably 'love' what being with you brings to their table, though they don't particularly love you, the individual.
-
The avoidant spouse attempts to keep you, the disenfranchised spouse, at a comfortable distance.
Not so close where you are an equal partner in the deal, but not too far way either lest they lose control of the situation.
This is achieved by keeping you off balance by means of 'intermittent reward' connecting with you just often enough to keep you interested enough to stay around hoping for another intermittent reward (not necessarily sex, but that is the most visible commodity)
-
It is a remarkably successful strategy that avoidant spouses employ. It can, and does, go on for years.
Up until the disenfranchised spouse catches a clue.
-
Looks like you are catching a clue Brother chris.
That's good, but having done so, the questions just get harder from here on in.
-
Welcome.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on May 25, 2016 2:21:45 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. I can only believe they are begging us to leave them. How else could such disregard be interpreted? Yet conversations about the future (moving, kids, new house, etc.) are as though everything is okay!!!! It's so confusing. It's insane.
Yet I'm the one awake at this hour in s much pain as in year one.
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 25, 2016 3:12:17 GMT -5
Well Chris, my impression is that a large number of those we call 'refusers' here, simply don't think or know that anything is wrong.
YOU are not getting your needs filled. You miss the intimacy, the little acts of service, the affection, the attention, the sex.
The refuser on the other hand does not. It's just not on their event horizon. They feel quite happy and fulfilled the way things are,
because they are not missing anything.
And so, they're happy with the status quo. If you stir them up, they may bestir themselves for a little while, but then they drop back
into that same old, same old inactivity. Because that's where they feel comfortable.
Oh, they're not all like that, there are other sorts who use withholding as a weapon, as a power-tool, as a means of control, there are
those who are simply so damaged that they don't even know what we are missing, or are so afraid of letting go and living out the feelings,
that they just go and hide.
But ultimately the why does not matter, regarding the outcome for us, here. The one and only thing that matters to us is where we are
willing to draw the line in the sand.
My personal reaction is: if I am resentful, or angry, if I want to sleep in a separate room, or wish for that other person to just fuck off
and die, then it's time to pull the chain and flush it. Not everybody sees it that way.
We can talk about it here, and many different ideas come to the fore ......... some want to stay regardless, others just say "she doesn't love
you, get out" as a standard response (gods, what was that guy's name, I can't even remember).
Anyway, lots of interesting people here with worth while things to say and different perspectives.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 25, 2016 4:45:04 GMT -5
You are asking the right "why?"- Why do I stay?
I was married 23years and everything you described I felt.
Yes they are delusional and avoidant. After I to my ex I wanted a divorce he spoke about a trip we could all take this Summer. I put my exit strategy into practice last Fall and I was divorced by January. My advice would be to be true to yourself and seek the authentic life you want to live for yourself. That may or may not include trying to give it one more chance with the wife. If you choose to try one more time then lay all your cards on the table, explain to her what reset sex is and that if it is not a meaningful effort on her part then you're done. I couldn't try anymore with the ex it became incestuous because of years of neglect.
Lots of big choices to make. Find your happiness.
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 25, 2016 12:06:29 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 25, 2016 12:08:00 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 25, 2016 12:09:30 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. I can only believe they are begging us to leave them. How else could such disregard be interpreted? Yet conversations about the future (moving, kids, new house, etc.) are as though everything is okay!!!! It's so confusing. It's insane. Yet I'm the one awake at this hour in s much pain as in year one. You've come to the right place we all totally get that. Confusion is a great descriptor for me most of the time actually! X |
|
|
|
Post by angryspartan on May 25, 2016 12:12:39 GMT -5
I used to have so much drive and ambition. So excited with life and all its potential. Over 28 years, this SM has eroded my core to a point where I feel neutralized. My dreams, hopes and plans seem pointless. For all my successes, they return empty when at home it'so lonely. She never wants to go anywhere,or experience anything new. I have to either not plan anything or go with kids only. She sure likes gossip and loves to talk and I've done my share of listening for sure. But I don't even get a "have a good day at work". Never has taken the time to see me off on any business trip. Won't even consider me to point of preparing coffee maker for next day. What's wrong with me...hanging around? The kids I tell myself. I'm so angry in the mornings to point of tears but by end of work day distractions, I stay to endure another day. WHY?!?!?!?! She once said we have a good thing here, maybe not "that" but all else.... Is she simply that clueless to what marriage is? Do refusers live in a land of delusion with no clue the pain inflicted? I'm at an IHOP frustrated with even being in the same house with her - she just pushed me away again - And I'm hungry I understand that 100%. I have 0 energy most days, don't feel like doing much of anything. No desire to meet people, go places etc. This has sucked the life out of me. Listening to constant complaining from her about how much life sucks yada yada has brought me down to a level that I never used to be. I was so much more social back in the day, now, I'd rather be alone doing my own thing. |
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on May 25, 2016 12:12:44 GMT -5
Thank you for all the support. I am packing my things preparing to move this summer. But I will not buy a home with her. I need my own place to end this pain.
I am working from home today preparing for a trip tomorrow. She gets off work early today and should be home any time now. I will watch to see if she does in fact come home early or avoids being in the house with just me and out 8 year old too long. She will have every opportunity to make "it" happen if she were so inclined. I will report back with any clever avoidance tactics or if she avails herself for a quick hit possibility. Okay, now I am in fantasy land - signing off now.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 12:28:20 GMT -5
cagedadventurer, I call this situation Checkmate. You've worked through it 7 ways to Sunday and there's no reasoning out of it. You know what you know.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 12:40:54 GMT -5
Yes they do live in a land of delusion. Or perhaps solipsism. You will see this in the stories over and over. The refuser thinks the marriage is great. Of course it is. It's the way they want it.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 25, 2016 12:45:47 GMT -5
Yes they do live in a land of delusion. Or perhaps solipsism. You will see this in the stories over and over. The refuser thinks the marriage is great. If course it is. It's the way they want it. BUT WAIT, THERE's MORE!! just mention that they are a refuser. Here comes the guilt, denial train! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 12:53:33 GMT -5
Yes they do live in a land of delusion. Or perhaps solipsism. You will see this in the stories over and over. The refuser thinks the marriage is great. If course it is. It's the way they want it. BUT WAIT, THERE's MORE!! just mention that they are a refuser. Here comes the guilt, denial train! And the Excuses Express. |
|
