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Post by lessingham on Feb 24, 2019 11:26:02 GMT -5
A few years back my son got into financial trouble, nothing major but the bank closed his account until payday. I gave him money to tide over a few weeks. Fast forward and recently he was humming and ahing over buying something, as his account was so healthy.
I know I gave him the money and it was not a loan (first mistake?) but it rankles me and I have to bite my tongue. Part of me resents him and the fact he cannot see it a a debt of honour.
Should I keep biting my tongue? Any further loans will be that, loans not gifts.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 24, 2019 13:11:35 GMT -5
lessingham, want to be zen? Never loan money to family or friends expecting to be repaid. If they do, it’ll be a pleasant surprise. I’ve only had success when payment terms were mapped out up-front and not long-term, like $200/mo for a year. If there’s no payment schedule, there will be no repayment. This is how we work with our young adult kids. Don’t hesitate to take collateral. I’ll buy things of interest at a good price before blindly loaning money. And I wouldn’t hesitate to require a legal lien on a car or house - not that you’re likely to repo or evict family members, but it ensures that you get paid when it eventually sells (or insurance pays you first if it gets totaled). It also protects a “gentlemen’s agreement” in case of divorce (say, helping newlyweds buy their first house). As for your son, I wouldn’t hesitate to break the awkward barrier and say “Hey, seeing how you’re now flush with cash and thinking about buying toys, I want to remind you that you still owe me that $500, and that should come first.” He won’t like the idea, but as his parent it’s an opportunity to reinforce proper behavior instead of tolerating bad behavior.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 24, 2019 14:33:53 GMT -5
I believe the conditions of the money changing hands can generally be defined by your own words. "I gave him the money to tide over a few weeks". Now you are a ways down the road and you are unhappy, because unless something happens, it appears you are unlikely to be reimbursed. It seems he also thinks you gave him the money and thus he is not obligated to pay it back.
If you are serious about the money then you should bring it up in conversation that you had expected to be repaid once his head was above water again. If he balks then you will have to consider whether the money means that much to you or come to a decision on whether the bank of mom and dad is now closed for him.
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Post by Handy on Feb 24, 2019 15:32:06 GMT -5
What about no more giving him any money in the future?
I find the more you do for some people, the less they take care of their own life. How long do you want to cushion his falls in the future?
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 24, 2019 17:17:34 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “Part of me resents him and the fact he cannot see it a a debt of honour.
Should I keep biting my tongue? Any further loans will be that, loans not gifts.”
You gave him a gift, not a loan. His response is appropriate. If you wanted to be paid back you should have made that clear at the beginning. Also seems that if he is grown it’s time for him to be responsible for his own financial troubles unless it’s a real emergency such as emergency medical expenses.
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Post by baza on Feb 24, 2019 18:18:25 GMT -5
In your own words Brother lessingham - "I know I gave him the money and it was not a loan". End of story. Close the book on that one. Next time ? Make it clear what the transaction is and negotiate an agreed repayment schedule if it's a loan and get onto it quickly and decisively when the payment(s) are due. And keep this in mind - The banks are in the business of lending money and have certain lending criteria and methods of risk assessment. That's their business. That's what they do. They do NOT close peoples accounts down for no particular reason. So if lessingham jnr had his account closed down you can back it in that there was good reason. It might be smart to keep that in mind. If the bank don't regard him as a sound risk maybe you shouldn't either. |
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Post by lessingham on Feb 25, 2019 4:21:20 GMT -5
Yes, you are all right, a gift is a gift is a gift. Next time I will be more bank and less dad with loan repayment schedules and the like.
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Post by Handy on Feb 25, 2019 15:59:21 GMT -5
lessingham, what you did is also what I have done in the past but it took me 5 years to quit doing it.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Feb 25, 2019 17:10:00 GMT -5
Another thought: You could also tactfully work on a way to say essentially the following: I'm happy for you that you're doing well financially now. As you might remember I gave you $X,XXX a few years ago when you really needed the money. Although I treated it as a gift to you at the time, it was also a sacrifice by me since I gave up buying some things for myself that I otherwise could have. It's your choice, but if you choose to consider that money I previously gave you as a loan, I would appreciate you paying me back over the next few months.
(Optional: If you do so, it might help ensure that - if you are in financial hardship in the future - I might be able to help you out again.)
(Subtle hint: If you don't, I won't!)
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 17, 2019 13:35:22 GMT -5
In the words of Elsa "Let it go..."
If it was a gift, it was a gift.
But of course, you're perfectly entitled to say something like "Remember when you got in trouble and I had to bail you out - careful financial management now may help you avoid that situation in future because that was my last gift like that."
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 26, 2019 15:51:17 GMT -5
A few years back my son got into financial trouble, nothing major but the bank closed his account until payday. I gave him money to tide over a few weeks. Fast forward and recently he was humming and ahing over buying something, as his account was so healthy. I know I gave him the money and it was not a loan (first mistake?) but it rankles me and I have to bite my tongue. Part of me resents him and the fact he cannot see it a a debt of honour. Should I keep biting my tongue? Any further loans will be that, loans not gifts. Well, you learned a lesson. We all have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to our kids. Next time he has money troubles, just tell him that you are very sorry, and you hope he gets through them ok. |
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Post by lessingham on Mar 27, 2019 8:23:25 GMT -5
Yup, the bank of mom and dad just closed its last office. We are now a burger bar.
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