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Post by workingonit on Feb 27, 2019 10:24:21 GMT -5
shamwow I *almost* felt sorry for your x for a second! Imagine from her stuck mindset believing that she was finally getting what she wanted only to realize that she had nothing! Really, I sometimes imagine my h's pov. He really had everything he wanted. He was so blind to who I am and what my experience has been, to my pain. Not because I never told him but because he did not want to see it. Willful blindness. And in that way he took my final lack of asking for sex as agreement that it was not needed. And then I say I am done and he is shocked! And scrambling to change without any actual desire for anything to be different. You can almost feel bad for those refusers who just lie to themselves. Almost.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 27, 2019 10:55:11 GMT -5
shamwow I *almost* felt sorry for your x for a second! Imagine from her stuck mindset believing that she was finally getting what she wanted only to realize that she had nothing! Really, I sometimes imagine my h's pov. He really had everything he wanted. He was so blind to who I am and what my experience has been, to my pain. Not because I never told him but because he did not want to see it. Willful blindness. And in that way he took my final lack of asking for sex as agreement that it was not needed. And then I say I am done and he is shocked! And scrambling to change without any actual desire for anything to be different. You can almost feel bad for those refusers who just lie to themselves. Almost. This "willful blindness" goes back to manipulative controlling, narcissism and DARVO. The first part of DARVO is DENIAL. Their way of constantly avoiding reality through reversal and always being the victim. And 'yes' I do, almost, feel bad for my ex. Almost. Their are also those who are keenly aware of their manipulative tactics, and know how to use it to their advantage. Then when it becomes to their detriment ,they move on to another victim. More reassurance that you, my dear, need to move away. Giving your 15 yr old a better example of how to make tough choices and move forward with solving his own life decisions. ( said with love and sympathy!)
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2019 13:58:53 GMT -5
shamwow I *almost* felt sorry for your x for a second! Imagine from her stuck mindset believing that she was finally getting what she wanted only to realize that she had nothing! Really, I sometimes imagine my h's pov. He really had everything he wanted. He was so blind to who I am and what my experience has been, to my pain. Not because I never told him but because he did not want to see it. Willful blindness. And in that way he took my final lack of asking for sex as agreement that it was not needed. And then I say I am done and he is shocked! And scrambling to change without any actual desire for anything to be different. You can almost feel bad for those refusers who just lie to themselves. Almost. From what I can tell here, my experience was unusual. Most seem to hit a breaking point and everything goes to shit quickly. About a year before I told her I was leaving I had made the decision and used that time to prepare emotionally, financially, and personally. No drama or outbursts from me. So for perhaps a year before I dropped the D-bomb on her the "talks" simply stopped. This did leave her a little surprised when it came, but she didn't shed a tear when I outlined how our relationship had collapsed. She also didn't seem visibly upset when I told her I wanted a divorce. She only got emotional when I explained she was going to need to get a job. That is when the "I fucked up" expression crossed her face because at that point she knew I was serious. Her cushy way of life was going to come to an end. She walked away with 300k (almost 250k of it in cash) so I won't cry too much for her. She also gets about 120k in child support over a 5 year period which she spends on maids, spas, and fancy vacations. So I'm not too heartbroken on that either. But there is something to be said about the look on her face at the beginning of the conversation. She was the boss with a couple decades of manipulating me to a state of being completely disarmed. At the end of the conversation it was like a spell had been broken.
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 27, 2019 15:30:03 GMT -5
She only got emotional when I explained she was going to need to get a job. That is when the "I fucked up" expression crossed her face because at that point she knew I was serious. Her cushy way of life was going to come to an end. I have to say that I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read this!
When I finally got the final decree to my HR department so she could be taken off my health insurance, the HR person was so glad that I had come because my ExRefuser had been calling about COBRA for health insurance. Out of curiousity, I asked her how much her health insurance would be under COBRA. She told me it would be almost $1100 per month! You see, my refuser is an elementary school teacher in a private school, and makes about $35k per year. She absolutely refuses to work at a public school, even though she could get low-cost health insurance plus make about $56,000 per year. So now, she has to come up with an additional $13,000 per year, LOL!
Seems like it would have made financial sense to fuck me 2-3 times a month!!
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2019 16:40:04 GMT -5
She only got emotional when I explained she was going to need to get a job. That is when the "I fucked up" expression crossed her face because at that point she knew I was serious. Her cushy way of life was going to come to an end. I have to say that I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read this!
When I finally got the final decree to my HR department so she could be taken off my health insurance, the HR person was so glad that I had come because my ExRefuser had been calling about COBRA for health insurance. Out of curiousity, I asked her how much her health insurance would be under COBRA. She told me it would be almost $1100 per month! You see, my refuser is an elementary school teacher in a private school, and makes about $35k per year. She absolutely refuses to work at a public school, even though she could get low-cost health insurance plus make about $56,000 per year. So now, she has to come up with an additional $13,000 per year, LOL!
Seems like it would have made financial sense to fuck me 2-3 times a month!!
Yeah, mine was an elementary school teacher when younger too. Except mine got herself blacklisted and fired mid year (I imagine I never got the full story there). Now she makes 36k at a job she has easy hours and an easy commute. I pay her another 25k per year, tax free to her. Of course, she spends the child support like it is income to her. It will be a rude awakening in 3 months when she takes a 400+ hit each month and an even ruder surprise in 3 more years when she takes an additional 1700 hit each month. But she does have easy hours and commute at the moment lol And yes, if she would have just kept me slumbering life would have been easier for her.
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Post by carl on Mar 2, 2019 22:31:53 GMT -5
Pride, power....Came on so gradually I didn’t notice my life being controlled. Since I have removed the sex from our relationship completely she has never been able to run me down or walk over me. She has no wild card to dominate every situation and her reign is crumbling. I am a new man. As I stopped begging the dynamic in my marriage changed as well. She was never cross with me for no longer asking (begging). I think she had thought I had finally been fully and properly trained. You should have seen the "oh shit I totally fucked up" look on her face when I told her I was divorcing her. I believe it was at that moment I truly broke free and became my own man. As it turns out, I really like it. That “ oh shit I totally fucked up look” must have been a priceless moment to have had. Confirmation that you weren’t going mad.
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Post by baza on Mar 10, 2019 21:15:37 GMT -5
Here's some stat's you might find relevant.
The starting point to the ILIASM demographic - this group in other words - is that all the members are (or were) in ILIASM situations that were bad enough to get them googling 'sexless marriage' and were motivated enough to join the group.
And, about half of those who join also have contributed to the group by telling their story as well. So for here, we'll reset the clock to contributing members only.
Of those contributing members initial posts, their usual opener is that 'everything is great bar the sex' and they are staying. About 8 out of 10 are never heard from again. So for here, we'll reset the clock to those who remain active.
Of those members who remain active, about 2 in 10 do not have the idea of leaving on their radar. About 4 in 10 who remain active do have leaving on their radar, in theoretical terms but are not actually doing anything toward that path. There are about another 2 in 10 who are pro-actively taking steps to get out. There's another 2 in 10 who have gotten out.
So if you join here as a bog standard newbie, the chances of you staying in your ILIASM deal are astronomically high.
If you are moved to post your story, the chances that you'll stay in your ILIASM deal are still extremely high.
If you become an active member, the chances are still high that you'll be staying in your ILIASM situation.
If you start considering leaving in a theoretical sense, the chances are that it will mostly not get past theory.
If you are pro-actively taking steps to get out, you probably will - after about 18 months or 2 years - and that's a perfectly valid thing to do.
But you will be very much in the minority. Most people stay in their ILIASM deals - and that is a perfectly valid thing to do. That's what the vast majority of people do.
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Post by nyctos on Mar 11, 2019 8:36:36 GMT -5
Back to statistics, it's worthwhile considering that the usefulness of mean/median/standard deviation depends on whether sex life falls on a Gaussian (I.e., normal, bell curve) distribution. It probably doesn't. Three are likely a bunch of us crowded around the bottom.
So, what I'd picture is a curve with a big hump at ten or less per year, and then a dip until about the mid-fifty frequency (where all the once-a-week people would be), and then a dip and a slow rise up to 100 (about the supposed average in the US).
Of course, there's also the matter of who's lying on these surveys. I suspect those having sex several times a week aren't lying to bring their numbers into the everyday, multiple times range. More likely, it's people having sex once a month or every other month who think they should be having sex weekly.
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Post by h on Mar 11, 2019 10:12:42 GMT -5
My wife has complained bitterly recently that I have stopped asking (more like begging) her for sex. She has seldom ever initiated sex with me and in the past when she had the chance refused me 99 percent of the time. I am coming to terms with her understanding of a relationship and sex but sometimes I don’t dare think about it. My W got upset a while back when I did the same. I quit showing any physical interest in her, turned away or left the room if she changed in front of me, and stopped touching her anywhere other than hand holding. It ended up being a shock for her and prompted some changes in her behavior. I told her that if she wasn't going to start showing interest in our sex life then I wasn't going to bother taking an interest in her. There was no point in getting myself all worked up and turned on if it was only going to result in me being frustrated and feeling worse. She was upset because she liked the feeling of being desired by me and didn't know that by not following through, she was hurting me in ways she didn't understand. She is now at least considerate enough to understand my side of the issue. She doesn't flirt with me anymore if she knows that sex is off the table for some reason. She also is more aware that if I'm growing distant, the first question she should ask herself is: how long has it been since we last had sex.
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Mar 11, 2019 11:26:58 GMT -5
In my opinion it is easy to just become "another statistic" in a sexless marriage. It is all way too easy to just "go with the flow". Father time has a good way of making you become that statistic of "accepting" your partner/relationship for what it is. Be it for "the kids sake", "we have way to many things intertwined", "we cannot afford it", etc ... I think back to starting out in life, if I wanted something bad enough I'd go after it and indeed "get it" in nearly 99.9999% of cases, but yet I'm not currently prepared to rip my family apart just to get sexual satisfaction.
I stay because I love my wife. I do not necessarily love my marriage as it stands now. I'd like to know how many people love their sexless partner but have fallen out of love with their marriage vows.
Good thread though!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 11, 2019 11:51:58 GMT -5
@ mosses I loved my ex like a family member we had been in each other's lives so long. But I was no longer in love with him. And it wasn't just that I missed sex I was angry, hurt and eventually checked out. I wanted more for my life. I think had it been a medical condition and we still had the affection and respect for each other I would have learned to live without the sex. But when they unilaterally end the initimamacy without caring about how your spouse is dealing with it they are pretty much ending the marriage as we knew it. Everything starts going out the window. I mean I may not be hungry one night but I still care enough to make sure my family ate.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 11, 2019 17:27:29 GMT -5
Hey baza, after reading your statistics, which I find to be very helpful and informative,- I do wonder why so many people do leave this forum? I miss them, and would truly like to hear back from them. I wonder if they have been offended, or disagree with others, and choose to go elsewhere? Or just stop posting anywhere on the internet?
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Post by baza on Mar 11, 2019 18:48:41 GMT -5
Hey baza , after reading your statistics, which I find to be very helpful and informative,- I do wonder why so many people do leave this forum? I miss them, and would truly like to hear back from them. I wonder if they have been offended, or disagree with others, and choose to go elsewhere? Or just stop posting anywhere on the internet? I've given up wondering "why" people drop off here after posting an initial story. The "why" could be anything (it's been explored on another thread) including your speculations above Brother greatcoastal . Fact is, people get on here, drop their story, then piss off. "Why" they do that doesn't matter. They just do. That's the fact. Like you, there are many old/lapsed members who posted stories back as far as March 2016 and I'd love to know how things have panned out for them 3 years on.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 11, 2019 19:06:36 GMT -5
Hey baza , after reading your statistics, which I find to be very helpful and informative,- I do wonder why so many people do leave this forum? I miss them, and would truly like to hear back from them. I wonder if they have been offended, or disagree with others, and choose to go elsewhere? Or just stop posting anywhere on the internet? Good point greatcoastal. I was also thinking about the 'missing' ones. Especially those whose stories had not reached a conclusion. Some I suspect have returned to their SM for reasons of their own and are embarrassed to post. Some may have been turned off by the trolls and pervs, abandoning the internet as a whole. Others who have left their SM and moved on may no longer feel a need to interact online.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 11, 2019 19:10:03 GMT -5
greatcoastal I know of a member that thier spouse found the website and read all of thier postings and having an AP. They are still trying to make thier marriage work, but they no longer part here because it is no longer a safe place.
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