Out of the dark but not out of the woods.
May 24, 2016 13:43:44 GMT -5
JMX, unmatched, and 10 more like this
Post by texmex on May 24, 2016 13:43:44 GMT -5
Hey ILIASM fam. I just today found out that EP is dead and everyone has migrated to other corners of the internet. But i found yall. 
Here is a little back story since I've been gone for a little over two years. When I was 28, I got married to a great guy. However things weren't as great as I though and I realized I was in a sexless marriage and I was miserable. The issues started as early as our wedding night. After much quarreling, begging, and bargaining, I make the decision to step out of our marriage and then to leave completely. The guilt of cheating on my husband was overwhelming and I have since vowed to never be unfaithful to my partner again. So we hashed out a mostly painless divorce. I was very lucky that we didn't have kids or assets to fight over. He is now engaged to a friend of mine and they truly seem like a good match. I'm happy for them and whats more, I'm relieved someone appreciated what I could not. So now, years later at 33, I'm enjoying my happy ending, right?
No so much. Well, that is a little dramatic and over all I'm much happier out of my marriage than in it. However there were repercussions to divorce that I had not anticipated. Looking back, I should have expected it. Thanks for sticking around thus far with my long winded introduction. Please keep reading and maybe you can benefit from my mistakes and naivete.
1. Anger- As most of you know, there is a point where the pain of rejection is so deep and fierce that you start padding it out with anger. Anger keeps you safe. Anger keeps things that could hurt you away. It is a natural self defense tactic. What is hard, and where I screwed up, is knowing when its time to put the big guns down and let yourself go through that pain and deal with it. It made me very difficult to deal with. Friends, family, and co-workers all kept a good distance from this seething mess. I'm very thankful no one gave up on me during that time and if they had, i wouldn't have blamed them. I put people through hell. Later when most of the anger died down, I was able to get close to people again. I went on to have a very promising relationship. The majority of that relationship, I still battled my anger. It wasn't this guy's fault that I had been hurt but since I hadn't let myself deal with the emotions, I took it out on him. We argued, we did the make up break up dance, and I was basically a porcupine trying to hug someone. Willing but covered in a spiky protective coat. So be angry. You deserve it. But then let that anger go. The war is over and you don't need that tank anymore. You have different battles now.
2. Promiscuity- Whoo doggie. After four years of no sex, i was ready to get back out there and get mine. Four years might not seem like a lot to some of you hardcore people who have gone longer, but to me, it was an eternity.
I spent a year dating and not getting close to anyone. Honestly, I just let guys fawn over me, not that I'm all that but it felt like it after being ignored for so long, and just basked in the glow of affection with out stopping to think that these men were people with feelings too. When they tried to get serious, I would cut them off and drop them like a used tissue in the trash. I'm not going to lie. I slept with whomever I wanted to. Some people might look down on me for that and I care a little, but I can't take it back now. It is what it is. To some, partners is just a number. To others, its a litmus test for morality. I'm not going to judge one way or another. I just know that I didn't do any favors to the men who did think I wanted a relationship. I used people and when I did find a relationship I wanted to stick with, it came back to bite me. My partner was a little squeamish about my body count. So, you know, there's that.
3. Guilt/Over Compensation- It may go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway, that divorce will leave you feeling guilty. Even if it was your choice and your spouse was a super terrible person. You still feel like you've failed. I didn't deal with that guilt head on and it lead me to over compensate in my next serious relationship. I settled for just about anything in a desperate attempt to do things right this time. Can't see me as much as I'd like? That's cool. I'm going to be less demanding this time. Can't be there for me when I'm having a crisis? No worries. I'm an independent woman who isn't going to burden her partner. Not interested in settling down anytime soon? Hey, I just got out of a marriage a year and a half ago, thats ok. You want to do all the talking? I'm down. I'm never going to make my partner feel like I don't listen again. I'm going to do everything right this time no matter what. Even if it means sacrificing my happiness.... Hold the heck up. Isn't that was I just got away from? I was basically making the gallow to hang another relationship from. Come to terms with your guilt and remember that new relationships aren't your old one. You deserve to be happy and you didn't go through all the trouble to be free again just to get trapped in another situation where you're sacrificing your happiness in hopes the other person will return the favor. Don't do that. You did what was best for you then and you should continue to do that now. Yeah, love hard and all that stuff but at the end of the day, you should love yourself the hardest. At the end of the day, its your meat covered skeleton you're piloting. Its the only one you've got so be good to it.
4. Gun Shy- Needless to say, I developed a habit of checking out when things got tough. When I got tired of fighting with my spouse, I just shut down. I moved into the spare room then I moved out. I’d just leave the house when he upset me. I’d hang up the phone when I was done with all of the talking and drama. I reveled in the fact that while I couldn’t control whether I was going to get physical love from him, I could control my level of involvement. Having that control made me feel better about things. So I kept it and then I used it on everyone who came after him. Nice guys who just slightly pissed me off. Nice guys who had valid reasons to cancel dates. Nice guys who I just dropped and never called back. Then when I did get into a relationship, every time we had a bump, I’d be out so fast, his head would spin. I slowly chipped away at his faith in my staying power. By the time I was over being gun shy, he didn’t think I could be relied upon to not cut and run as soon as things got hard. I really shot myself in the foot. I should have given myself more time, warned him that I was still easily spooked, or just worked through that fear.
5. Jaded- Divorce leaves you jaded. It just does. It is hard to love a jaded person. Heck, it is hard for a jaded person to love. There is still magic to finding someone who clicks with you, even if you feel that there isn’t. You’re still worthy of feeling a spark. You’re still worthy of someone going out of their way to be with you. It doesn’t seem like love really exists because of how things have gone in the past but it does. Maybe you can’t light that candle of hope yet, but if you do want to be happy with someone, you’re going to have to. Jaded is like the goth version of Anger. We’re done being rageful. We are done lashing out. What’s the point? No one cares. Everything will ultimately fail. Love is pointless. Jaded puts you on the wrong side of Zen. Eventually you will have to decide to make the choice to remain that way or to put your neck out. Maybe you get hurt again? Maybe you don’t. All I do know is you’re not going to experience love again if you don’t believe it can happen. It sounds cheesy but sometimes love is cheesy.
I know this was a long post and I rambled a lot but I just want people who are getting started on their escape journey that there is more work to do once you finally get out. I don’t have it figured out yet but I’m getting there. I just wish I had known that this would be an issue after the divorce. Now, I’m running the risk of losing a very important person because I needed to carry all that baggage around. Even if I do lose him, I’m going to learn from it. I’m going to still love hard and live to tell the tale. That's who we are, right? Passionate people who want nothing more than a true partner in crime. I hope my long winded post was helpful. If anything, it felt good to get it off my chest.
“Never give up. Never surrender.”
-TexMex
Here is a little back story since I've been gone for a little over two years. When I was 28, I got married to a great guy. However things weren't as great as I though and I realized I was in a sexless marriage and I was miserable. The issues started as early as our wedding night. After much quarreling, begging, and bargaining, I make the decision to step out of our marriage and then to leave completely. The guilt of cheating on my husband was overwhelming and I have since vowed to never be unfaithful to my partner again. So we hashed out a mostly painless divorce. I was very lucky that we didn't have kids or assets to fight over. He is now engaged to a friend of mine and they truly seem like a good match. I'm happy for them and whats more, I'm relieved someone appreciated what I could not. So now, years later at 33, I'm enjoying my happy ending, right?
No so much. Well, that is a little dramatic and over all I'm much happier out of my marriage than in it. However there were repercussions to divorce that I had not anticipated. Looking back, I should have expected it. Thanks for sticking around thus far with my long winded introduction. Please keep reading and maybe you can benefit from my mistakes and naivete.
1. Anger- As most of you know, there is a point where the pain of rejection is so deep and fierce that you start padding it out with anger. Anger keeps you safe. Anger keeps things that could hurt you away. It is a natural self defense tactic. What is hard, and where I screwed up, is knowing when its time to put the big guns down and let yourself go through that pain and deal with it. It made me very difficult to deal with. Friends, family, and co-workers all kept a good distance from this seething mess. I'm very thankful no one gave up on me during that time and if they had, i wouldn't have blamed them. I put people through hell. Later when most of the anger died down, I was able to get close to people again. I went on to have a very promising relationship. The majority of that relationship, I still battled my anger. It wasn't this guy's fault that I had been hurt but since I hadn't let myself deal with the emotions, I took it out on him. We argued, we did the make up break up dance, and I was basically a porcupine trying to hug someone. Willing but covered in a spiky protective coat. So be angry. You deserve it. But then let that anger go. The war is over and you don't need that tank anymore. You have different battles now.
2. Promiscuity- Whoo doggie. After four years of no sex, i was ready to get back out there and get mine. Four years might not seem like a lot to some of you hardcore people who have gone longer, but to me, it was an eternity.
I spent a year dating and not getting close to anyone. Honestly, I just let guys fawn over me, not that I'm all that but it felt like it after being ignored for so long, and just basked in the glow of affection with out stopping to think that these men were people with feelings too. When they tried to get serious, I would cut them off and drop them like a used tissue in the trash. I'm not going to lie. I slept with whomever I wanted to. Some people might look down on me for that and I care a little, but I can't take it back now. It is what it is. To some, partners is just a number. To others, its a litmus test for morality. I'm not going to judge one way or another. I just know that I didn't do any favors to the men who did think I wanted a relationship. I used people and when I did find a relationship I wanted to stick with, it came back to bite me. My partner was a little squeamish about my body count. So, you know, there's that.
3. Guilt/Over Compensation- It may go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway, that divorce will leave you feeling guilty. Even if it was your choice and your spouse was a super terrible person. You still feel like you've failed. I didn't deal with that guilt head on and it lead me to over compensate in my next serious relationship. I settled for just about anything in a desperate attempt to do things right this time. Can't see me as much as I'd like? That's cool. I'm going to be less demanding this time. Can't be there for me when I'm having a crisis? No worries. I'm an independent woman who isn't going to burden her partner. Not interested in settling down anytime soon? Hey, I just got out of a marriage a year and a half ago, thats ok. You want to do all the talking? I'm down. I'm never going to make my partner feel like I don't listen again. I'm going to do everything right this time no matter what. Even if it means sacrificing my happiness.... Hold the heck up. Isn't that was I just got away from? I was basically making the gallow to hang another relationship from. Come to terms with your guilt and remember that new relationships aren't your old one. You deserve to be happy and you didn't go through all the trouble to be free again just to get trapped in another situation where you're sacrificing your happiness in hopes the other person will return the favor. Don't do that. You did what was best for you then and you should continue to do that now. Yeah, love hard and all that stuff but at the end of the day, you should love yourself the hardest. At the end of the day, its your meat covered skeleton you're piloting. Its the only one you've got so be good to it.
4. Gun Shy- Needless to say, I developed a habit of checking out when things got tough. When I got tired of fighting with my spouse, I just shut down. I moved into the spare room then I moved out. I’d just leave the house when he upset me. I’d hang up the phone when I was done with all of the talking and drama. I reveled in the fact that while I couldn’t control whether I was going to get physical love from him, I could control my level of involvement. Having that control made me feel better about things. So I kept it and then I used it on everyone who came after him. Nice guys who just slightly pissed me off. Nice guys who had valid reasons to cancel dates. Nice guys who I just dropped and never called back. Then when I did get into a relationship, every time we had a bump, I’d be out so fast, his head would spin. I slowly chipped away at his faith in my staying power. By the time I was over being gun shy, he didn’t think I could be relied upon to not cut and run as soon as things got hard. I really shot myself in the foot. I should have given myself more time, warned him that I was still easily spooked, or just worked through that fear.
5. Jaded- Divorce leaves you jaded. It just does. It is hard to love a jaded person. Heck, it is hard for a jaded person to love. There is still magic to finding someone who clicks with you, even if you feel that there isn’t. You’re still worthy of feeling a spark. You’re still worthy of someone going out of their way to be with you. It doesn’t seem like love really exists because of how things have gone in the past but it does. Maybe you can’t light that candle of hope yet, but if you do want to be happy with someone, you’re going to have to. Jaded is like the goth version of Anger. We’re done being rageful. We are done lashing out. What’s the point? No one cares. Everything will ultimately fail. Love is pointless. Jaded puts you on the wrong side of Zen. Eventually you will have to decide to make the choice to remain that way or to put your neck out. Maybe you get hurt again? Maybe you don’t. All I do know is you’re not going to experience love again if you don’t believe it can happen. It sounds cheesy but sometimes love is cheesy.
I know this was a long post and I rambled a lot but I just want people who are getting started on their escape journey that there is more work to do once you finally get out. I don’t have it figured out yet but I’m getting there. I just wish I had known that this would be an issue after the divorce. Now, I’m running the risk of losing a very important person because I needed to carry all that baggage around. Even if I do lose him, I’m going to learn from it. I’m going to still love hard and live to tell the tale. That's who we are, right? Passionate people who want nothing more than a true partner in crime. I hope my long winded post was helpful. If anything, it felt good to get it off my chest.
“Never give up. Never surrender.”
-TexMex
