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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 16, 2019 10:06:54 GMT -5
Curious if anyone stayed with or got back with their AP after leaving their SM.
I have been with my AP from 2011 on. He was also from a sexless marriage. We fell in love. Neither of us were looking for anything serious. We differ in that I always planned on and was working on getting out. June if 2017 I did. June 2018 he did. Life is great. Really the only issue is the fact that none of our family and friends actually know we started before we left so not only do we not use our actual timeline but our two timelines are different. Makes it hard not to slip up but we would rather people not know we started way prior to leaving. My best friend knows everything but that's it.
I know Dr. Phil says couples that start a relationship before ending one won't work out. And if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. I really feel like that does not apply emotionally we had checked out of our marriages and we both were in Long marriages 37 and 35 years we only outsourced because we were so unhappy and checked out.
Hoping to hear some stories similar to mine that have been together post SM for years and still together.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 16, 2019 11:35:34 GMT -5
Friends have been together about 17 years after they began an affair during her abusive and sexless marriage. Her marriage ended about 9 years ago when her husband died. My friend and her guy are like lovebirds. Many people including her kids (who were grown when the affair started) are aware that the affair began before her husband died. Most people don’t care. One of her 3 kids is resentful but, frankly, he is a selfish jerk whose main concern is probably his future inheritance, not the affair.
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Post by baza on Feb 16, 2019 18:07:08 GMT -5
In the strictest of terms you could say that I was conducting an affair with Ms enna whilst I was still in my ILIASM deal. The relevant timeline being - Met Ms enna on EP in Feb 2009 We became friends. My exit strategy was due to kick in in Jan 2010 We physically met in July 2009 (she had left her deal in Apr 09) There was a HUGE attraction and we started thinking of a life together maybe. I had a chance to leave in Oct 09 and took it. We saw each other a lot between Oct 09 and Jan 10. Things snowballed. Moved in together Apr 2010. So have a look at that time-line and make your call as to whether it is a cheating situation. Me ? Well I couldn't give much of a fuck what people might make of the timeline, and if they wanted to waste their time in analysing it and then label me as a cheater, well good on them. I am rather too busy enjoying being in the relationship of my life with the delectable Ms enna, (coming up 9 years in April) to be bothered. Of note Sister angeleyes65 is that I write the above from a position of 9 years out of my ILIASM deal. Time seems to take care of these things, and perceptions people may have had back at the time. I would figure that somewhere back there may have been someone who had too much time on their hands and done the sums and concluded "baz was a cheater". If anyone ever did do the sums and came up with that conclusion I haven't heard about it. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 16, 2019 19:05:18 GMT -5
Makes me feel good that people are still doing well. ❤️ I feel we will be living each other into the next life. Hearing other success stories encourages me
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 16, 2019 23:48:06 GMT -5
FWIW, my partner of 6 years and I had our first date 5 months before my divorce was final. I even was living (separate bedrooms, lives) with my STBX. My STBX and I had agreed that we could live our own lives while divorcing. We were living together only for financial reasons. Still, I was legally married when I started dating my current guy (and current guy knew that as did my adult sons). And we are still happily together.
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Post by sadkat on Feb 17, 2019 16:37:30 GMT -5
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 17, 2019 16:59:16 GMT -5
@ sadkat Thanks for posting that article!
I believe outsourcing was what restored my self- confidence to the point I made an exit plan. Just as the missing intimacy in my marriage shined a light on the many selfish aspects my ex brought into our marriage. B
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Post by Handy on Feb 17, 2019 17:09:44 GMT -5
If I would have posted the lines from the link, on 3 other forums I have read, I would have been called all sorts of derogatory names. Here on ILIASM, I sort of agree with the ideas in the link but disagree. I think most affairs start out thinking it will be good. I know some affairs lead to healthier people.
People don’t set out to have a “healthy affair.” But the above situations show that some affairs can open the door to a psychologically healthier life.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 17, 2019 18:27:39 GMT -5
Brilliant article. I can relate to reasons 1 and 2 for sure. I would say that meeting someone else opened my eyes to just how dead and toxic my marriage was, as well as giving me new courage and hope that there could be a different future for me. I had given up and thought it was all my fault. I was shown that I was still attractive to a man and how a relationship could be. |
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Post by baza on Feb 17, 2019 19:03:23 GMT -5
Having an affair, outsourcing, cheating, whatever you want to call it, invariably is a game changer.
The trouble is that it can change the game in very random and unpredictable fashion, most of which you have no control over.
You see stories in here where -
The ILIASM member got caught and the spouse initiated a divorce.
The ILIASM member got caught and the spouse has made their life a living hell since.
The ILIASM member met the soulmate and that necessitated ending the primary relationship.
The ILIASM member's exposure to a normal sexual relationship revealed just what a shithole their marriage was.
If you are going to go down this highly adventurous road, it is best to prepare like you were planning for a divorce, because that is highly likely to be your end destination one way or another - either by your choice, or your angry spouse's choice.
And, that is not necessarily such a bad outcome....but it is best to "manage" the situation as best you can as it plays out.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2019 10:33:32 GMT -5
Having an affair, outsourcing, cheating, whatever you want to call it, invariably is a game changer. The trouble is that it can change the game in very random and unpredictable fashion, most of which you have no control over. You see stories in here where - The ILIASM member got caught and the spouse initiated a divorce. The ILIASM member got caught and the spouse has made their life a living hell since. The ILIASM member met the soulmate and that necessitated ending the primary relationship. The ILIASM member's exposure to a normal sexual relationship revealed just what a shithole their marriage was. If you are going to go down this highly adventurous road, it is best to prepare like you were planning for a divorce, because that is highly likely to be your end destination one way or another - either by your choice, or your angry spouse's choice. And, that is not necessarily such a bad outcome....but it is best to "manage" the situation as best you can as it plays out. It spurred me on to push for the separation I had tried to instigate before but had given up through lack of self esteem. I would second the advice to avoid some of the uncertainties I came upon....be sure you really want to get out and plan for that BEFORE you embark on an affair. AND Baza's advice I previously read.....leaving has to stand up on its own....you need to leave for YOU. Not for anyone else. My leaving was a bit messy, but I don't regret it 2 years down the line.... |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 18, 2019 16:59:18 GMT -5
I told my ex I wanted a divorce in January of 2017. I started chatting with ballofconfusion February / March of 2017. Divorce finalized July 12th and she flew out here July 14th. So I guess an emotional affair would be the proper term and it has been amazing over the subsequent year and a half. That being said her ex keeps dragging out their divorce. She's still married to this day, despite our preferences. So make of that what you will. The point is that life is complicated and like baza indicates, it often doesn't fit into nice little categories. |
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 22, 2019 8:19:17 GMT -5
My affair started when I was just hoping to get through the next three years or so until my youngest was in college. We really hit it off better than either of us were expecting. I've moved across the country to be closer, and I really do think this is a forever sort of relationship.
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mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
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Post by mar615 on Feb 22, 2019 17:53:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but what is AP and EP? Is outsourcing having a affair or masturbating, or both? Asking for a friend.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 22, 2019 18:32:58 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but what is AP and EP? Is outsourcing having a affair or masturbating, or both? Asking for a friend. AP= Affair Partner EP= Experience Project....a former site that had numerous types of peoples experiences. There was virtually everything(legal) you could think of. The term ILIASM first appeared there I think. Many members here and a whole lot more were once at that site. I think somewhere in the 50,000 plus range at one point. Outsourcing means gratifying one's sexual needs out side the marriage. Masturbating is generally not considered outsourcing unless some else is doing it for you. |
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