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Post by smith227 on Feb 1, 2019 18:47:35 GMT -5
I’ve posted on here a few times about my situation. 40F been with husband for around a year and a half. Dated for a year, married for around 7 months now. Sex was never consistent, or often, but dropped completely after marriage. I never thought about him possibly being gay until someone mentioned it on here. The way it was worded set off alarm bells in my head. Someone suggested that he was possibly so deeply closeted, that he was even closeted to himself. That made complete sense. Now, I’m noticing more and more, what I have in the past just overlooked. Things that he does, that if I saw any other man do, I would automatically think he’s possibly if not definitely gay. I don’t really want to get into specifics, I’d just like to know if anyone else has been through this, and what were some of the signs? Thanks.
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2019 19:35:25 GMT -5
Up until now Sister smith227 you have had only your own speculations about "why" you spouse has behaved as he has. And the only options you had available were - stay/stay and cheat/leave. Now, you might have correctly guessed the "why". That he might be gay. That doesn't create another option. Your options are still - stay/stay and cheat/leave. Indeed, lets assume you have slam dunked the "why" and he IS gay for sure and certain. Again, this knowledge does not create a further option. Your options are still - stay/stay and cheat/leave. Anyway, here's a couple of names for you - ballofconfusion pointbreakgirl These are members where it would seem their spouses were/are gay. Reading their respective stories from go to whoa might be useful for you....but it won't change your options.
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Post by Handy on Feb 1, 2019 23:21:10 GMT -5
Smith227 don't rule out low sex drive but Bisexual.
I have a friend that I know loves sex with women but he likes to talk to other guys while standing at a urinal. To me that screams gay. Maybe some guys talk to other guys while peeing, but no way for me. Of course if I see 2 guys holding hands I almost throw up.
Like Baza posted, what matters most is you are not getting what you need from the relationship. Knowing why you are not getting what you need isn't going to make it happen. It will give you information so you can make a choice as to what to do concerning your future.
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Post by carl on Feb 2, 2019 6:39:54 GMT -5
I wouldn’t give more than a moments thought to whether he is gay or not. If he is gay then you deserve someone different. If he isn’t then you still have the same problem. I have loads of male friends occasionally one has turned out to be gay but without wishing to be rude I just find that boring information. Good advice is focus on yourself and how you are treated. Thinking why is giving too much attention.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 2, 2019 12:48:32 GMT -5
I used to wish that my husband were gay and that was the “why”. There were signs. It would explain a lot. But he’s not gay.
I think what others have said is true—the why doesn’t matter in the end in the grand scheme of things. In my case, knowing why helped me make peace with myself and let go of negative thoughts about my own self worth and feeling like there was something wrong with me. I will say that even though I know why my husband is the way he is I am still baffled as to why he doesn’t put forth the effort to make things better for both of us.
Whether or not your husband turns out to be gay, I wish you healing. The rejection hurts so much. Take good care of you.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 2, 2019 13:51:26 GMT -5
catsloveme I understand perfectly.
My wife knows how unhappy I am but will not put forth ANY effort to improve things for us. She would rather wallow around in her unhappiness.
Well I'm getting out of it. I still think I might have a chance to have a happy, healthy. sexually fulfilling, relationship.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 2, 2019 13:57:08 GMT -5
catsloveme I understand perfectly. My wife knows how unhappy I am but will not put forth ANY effort to improve things for us. She would rather wallow around in her unhappiness. Well I'm getting out of it. I still think I might have a chance to have a happy, healthy. sexually fulfilling, relationship. Good solodriver. We’re all standing by in support of your launch plan. Exiting might be rough, but I hope all the best for you. You deserve it. My husband is paralyzed by fear. It’s a powerful foe. I’m baffled by his lack of effort to overcome that. I suppose I don’t help matters much because I don’t initiate anything anymore in an effort to protect myself from the hurt of his rejection or indifference. If only he were gay... it would make things so much easier...
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Post by solodriver on Feb 2, 2019 14:30:57 GMT -5
catsloveme, thanks for the supportive thoughts. My wife is just happy being miserable. I don't get it. I'm sure depression and age has something to do with it. But no matter what it's from, she and I have an obligation, as a married couple, to take care and support each other. She has chosen not to do that, and I let her excuse it for almost 20 years. I suspected that my first wife was bi/gay. There were definite signs of it, but I ignored it because, after all, she married me. But knowing it didn't make it any easier on me at all. It actually made me angrier because she was NOT HONEST with me from the start. For awhile I even blamed myself that maybe I turned her that way. But that's not true. I think she had ulterior motives for marrying me and when she met her new girlfriend, the connection they made was just too powerful and I was no match for it. catsloveme, it sounds like your husband may have issues, because your story and choosinghappy's story sound somewhat similar. Fear of sex is caused by something that happened to him. It's not a normal reaction at all. You deserve to be loved the way you need. If you have done what you can, try not to feel bad for taking care of yourself. In my case I do feel sorry for my wife for what is goi9ng to happen, but I can walk away knowing that I did all I could and was ignored and I wasn't important enough to her to change things. If you haven't done so, reread choosinghappy's threads and posts. I think you will get strength from them. Especially read where she was in early 2017 and where she is today. In the short time of a year, her life is completely different and she seems to be very happy. It was a very hard struggle for her and she still has challenges but seems so much happier and fulfilled now. She and shamwow are my examples. From them I found the strength I need to do what I need to do to be happy, emotionally healthy and have hope of a sexually fulfilling future. Just always remember, it's NOT you, it's HIM.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 2, 2019 16:24:50 GMT -5
catsloveme, thanks for the supportive thoughts. My wife is just happy being miserable. I don't get it. I'm sure depression and age has something to do with it. But no matter what it's from, she and I have an obligation, as a married couple, to take care and support each other. She has chosen not to do that, and I let her excuse it for almost 20 years. I suspected that my first wife was bi/gay. There were definite signs of it, but I ignored it because, after all, she married me. But knowing it didn't make it any easier on me at all. It actually made me angrier because she was NOT HONEST with me from the start. For awhile I even blamed myself that maybe I turned her that way. But that's not true. I think she had ulterior motives for marrying me and when she met her new girlfriend, the connection they made was just too powerful and I was no match for it. catsloveme, it sounds like your husband may have issues, because your story and choosinghappy's story sound somewhat similar. Fear of sex is caused by something that happened to him. It's not a normal reaction at all. You deserve to be loved the way you need. If you have done what you can, try not to feel bad for taking care of yourself. In my case I do feel sorry for my wife for what is goi9ng to happen, but I can walk away knowing that I did all I could and was ignored and I wasn't important enough to her to change things. If you haven't done so, reread choosinghappy's threads and posts. I think you will get strength from them. Especially read where she was in early 2017 and where she is today. In the short time of a year, her life is completely different and she seems to be very happy. It was a very hard struggle for her and she still has challenges but seems so much happier and fulfilled now. She and shamwow are my examples. From them I found the strength I need to do what I need to do to be happy, emotionally healthy and have hope of a sexually fulfilling future. Just always remember, it's NOT you, it's HIM. The only part that is "you" is the part where you work on yourself. I personally found it ironic how long it took me to realize that I could not change my ex. It literally took decades. Fortunately I very quickly latched onto the idea that I was thr only one who could change me. You seem to get it and I predict you will wind up on your feet and in a much happier place.
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Post by ballofconfusion on Feb 3, 2019 18:41:39 GMT -5
I’ve posted on here a few times about my situation. 40F been with husband for around a year and a half. Dated for a year, married for around 7 months now. Sex was never consistent, or often, but dropped completely after marriage. I never thought about him possibly being gay until someone mentioned it on here. The way it was worded set off alarm bells in my head. Someone suggested that he was possibly so deeply closeted, that he was even closeted to himself. That made complete sense. Now, I’m noticing more and more, what I have in the past just overlooked. Things that he does, that if I saw any other man do, I would automatically think he’s possibly if not definitely gay. I don’t really want to get into specifics, I’d just like to know if anyone else has been through this, and what were some of the signs? Thanks. When I left my sexless marriage I had spent years openly questioning my husband as to whether or not he was gay. In fact, I can vividly recall more than one instance where I was curled in the fetal position on the floor, crying, begging him to just tell me WHY he didn’t want me. I didn’t receive a definitive answer until about a year after I had moved out of our family home. Sadly, the answer was delivered by one of my college aged sons who figured that since his dad wasn’t going to tell me - that he would. He believed I deserved to know the truth of my marriage. He was correct. Sadly, it changed nothing. The truth did not matter. I felt a bit stupid for being duped from day one, but the fact of his homosexuality did not make me feel better. It didn’t even confirm that I made the “right” choice in leaving. This is because I chose to leave a man who would not touch me. And, frankly, that fact was all that mattered then and also on the day I learned the “why” of that equation. The marriage was damn painful. The truth was too. No truth would have mattered. In the end, knowing didn’t help me. I left. Knowing why he did or didn’t live up to his vows just didn’t make a difference. A refuser is a refuser. Only they can change their behavior. So, it seems to me that the reasons for that behavior only matter to them. For us, the refused, we simply decide whether we can live happily in the marriage as it is. Sounds simple. It is hard. And, that answer can change. I stayed for almost 25 years. At that point it was no longer an option for me to continue and so I left him. Finding out why he refused me for a quarter of a century did not factor into the equation. It’s little solace. My advice is to stop pondering this question. Instead, please ask yourself whether you can continue to live in your situation without an enormous toll on your physical, spiritual and emotional health. That is the only pertinent question to be answered. Hugs!
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 3, 2019 22:51:49 GMT -5
My marriage lasted about twenty-five years, also. I feel like knowing why would give me closure, but, a few months out, now, I don't think about it much anymore. It happened. I am out. I am happier, now. Whatever the reason, the result was the same.
If I had been able to get it through my head early on that she found me undesirable, whatever the reason, that would have been a valuable epiphany.
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