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Post by mypaintbrushes on Feb 1, 2019 11:19:33 GMT -5
My husband and I are still living together, but the divorce is marching forward. He is obsessed, as of a day or two ago, with his retirement. He made up his mind about two years ago that he was going to retire early; with this going on, he is convinced that I’m going to try to “take away” 36% of his retirement, which forces him to continue to work until 65 or even 70. He called me yesterday from work to have an argument over it and hung up on me when I replied that I was going to follow the letter of the law. He is asking that I signed an affidavit from saying to not go after his money. this was followed up with by two epically long text messages as well as two in person conversations. This morning he woke me up to tell me that he’s been crying all night and that we need to talk again on Sunday about the retirement.
Think good thoughts, as I’m meeting with a financial advisor today at noon, and considering retaining the lawyer I hired to prepare the paperwork for me.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Feb 1, 2019 11:21:05 GMT -5
Before I had told him I was going to follow whatever the law says, I had said to him that I believe it’s not up to me whether or not I take his retirement. Is that accurate? I believe the lawyer had told me it was.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 1, 2019 12:40:26 GMT -5
Yikes.
Well, you can always turn down the money you are entitled to but...I sort of doubt that would be in your best interests.
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Post by csl on Feb 1, 2019 13:35:36 GMT -5
I admit that I can be rather brusque at times, and this is going to come across as brusque.
Epic texts? I believe the right expression is "tl,dnr", or something to that effect. Just text back, "Have your lawyer call my lawyer."
Arguments, conversations, discussions? How to have short discussions:
1 - "Have your lawyer call my lawyer."
2 - Earbuds and music.
His crying, his retirement? "We're getting divorced, so not my circus, not my monkeys."
I read the post in your other thread about his Divorce Busters entry, and I agree with others, that it is all about him. His latest concern is, per usual, all about him. I reiterate that it no longer your concern--"not your circus, not your monkeys."
Tell him to wake you when he thinks of something that concerns you, as well.
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2019 17:03:42 GMT -5
How he conducts his post ILISM shithole is his affair and nothing to do with you Sister mypaintbrushes . Likewise with how he'll finance his post ILIASM shithole life. Essentially, this is the whole point in getting divorced - to separate your lives once and for all so you are no longer a part of his financial and emotional idiocy. I think your focus needs to be on YOUR post ILIASM shithole life, and how YOU will finance that. This may prove to be quite a challenging task all by itself without worrying too much about your ex husbands problems. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Feb 1, 2019 17:09:44 GMT -5
She ended up being very helpful and not just from a financial standpoint. She was married 28 years to a schizophrenic (was my age when she got divorced) and went on to marry a lovely guy.
She saiid talk to a mediator.
Also, even if you have to give up some retirement, you’re young and can build back up. She’s 65 (sure as hell doesn’t look it!) and has $3M after starting over at 45 with nothing.
Very reassuring.
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Post by Handy on Feb 1, 2019 23:33:47 GMT -5
Just an observation but isn't each person in a divorce generally looking out for his or her best interests?
Mr Mypaintbrushes interest's are money so he is wanting to retire early and that takes money.
Mean while Ms Mypaintbrushes needs money to live a decent life so she is wanting a fair part of the marrital pie.
My point is both sides lookout more for their own intrest's than the other side's interest. I think that is 90% normally how things go in most divorces. In 10 years I never read where a divorcing spouse insisted the other side take more money, the dog, or any other things people fight over when splitting up.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Feb 2, 2019 2:16:01 GMT -5
I’ve heard of it. Mainly when one has way more than the other, they still care for each other, and/or just to move on with their lives.
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Post by Handy on Feb 2, 2019 3:57:49 GMT -5
I have read about making sure the spouse with less income gets enoiugh to do well enough, but the majority of people that divorce each want more money than they finally ended up with.
I would like a fair distribution of marital assets, but what is fair to one person isn't always regarded as fair to the other person. I have read about inequities and excesses on both sides of the W vs H divorce.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 2, 2019 8:41:18 GMT -5
I have read about making sure the spouse with less income gets enoiugh to do well enough, but the majority of people that divorce each want more money than they finally ended up with. I would like a fair distribution of marital assets, but what is fair to one person isn't always regarded as fair to the other person. I have read about inequities and excesses on both sides of the W vs H divorce. I had about $70k of money that came from an inheritance and was, therefore, protected (in my jurisdiction). I put it on the table anyway. WTF??? After my ex consulted the prestigious law firm of Facebook, Family, and Friends, she came back and said instead of a 50/50 split, it should be a 55/45 split since I have a higher income. Oh, and maybe our lawyers should just work that out. Fortunately after being married to her for 20 years this was no surprise and I had even prepared a spreadsheet showing scenarios. Essentially, I outlined that if she insisted on this option, she would likely lose in court having no legal legs to stand on. I also explained that if I ever heard the words "55/45" or "let the lawyers talk" that her $35k portion of my inheritance IMMEDIATELY gets pulled off the table. Fighting would actually get her less money in the end. The result is that for the rest of the divorce, negotiations were amicable. I had successfully used a carrot as a stick. My total cost to divorce was about $1,500 including $400 in filing fees and the most stressful time in my life did not descend into a food fight (priceless). I don't know her costs but they were likely similar. The total assets in question were about $600k. Had we gone scorched earth I would have spent much more money on attorneys. As for mypaintbrushes original post. You essentially "have" something he deaparately wants. What is he willing to trade for it? Maybe it's a larger share of the sale of the home. Cash is nice. Maybe it is just a quicker exit to this process. Maybe it's more (or less lol) time with the kids. The point is if he is this upset, you have a carrot that can be used as a stick. Think creatively. The challenge (and goal) is to not use the stick in a way that causes escalation. "For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill. Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting." - Sun Tzu - The Art Of War |
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Post by Handy on Feb 2, 2019 16:40:10 GMT -5
Shamwow, on another forum, (95% women)one woman spent $1.5 million on her divorce. Hes xH was hiding money. There also were women with babies and their xH left them with big debt. In most divorce cases I have read, money is one issue that is the most common.
Mypaintbrushes, I am not being critical of you wanting your share of the marital assets, just pointing out most people consider them-self to be the most important person in the former marriage and act accordingly, so expect some resistance/selfishness from your H.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 3, 2019 9:30:56 GMT -5
Shamwow, on another forum, (95% women)one woman spent $1.5 million on her divorce. Hes xH was hiding money. There also were women with babies and their xH left them with big debt. In most divorce cases I have read, money is one issue that is the most common. Mypaintbrushes, I am not being critical of you wanting your share of the marital assets, just pointing out most people consider them-self to be the most important person in the former marriage and act accordingly, so expect some resistance/selfishness from your H. Which is why I had prepared myself accordingly. As far as sharing the assets, while I worked my ex was a stay at home mom. She covered the "home front" while I earned the money. We both worked to build that nest egg despite different roles in doing so. I don't begrudge her a dime of that 50/50 split. This is true even as I cut her a check for $233k. In addition, in the 5 years between the divorce and youngest graduating high school I will pay her another 110k in child support tax-free. Mom spends it on spas and maid service? It's her call. But I've done my part. The point here is that I'm free. I no longer have my ex sucking my soul away day by day, month by month, year by year, decade by decade. I am alive and well and happier than I have any right to be. What mypaintbrushes should be looking at here is a fair settlement. If he wants more retirement, what is he willing to exchange? Fair does not always mean "equal". Sanity and ability to move on generally isn't factored into a divorce. It should be. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 4, 2019 19:51:19 GMT -5
I would go after whatever you are entitled to.
Tell Mr Paintbrushes to think of it as restitution for your vagina and he should have been a better husband. There is a price for poor behavior.
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 4, 2019 20:11:36 GMT -5
In most places the starting point is 50/50, that's where the negotiations start. If he was that concerned about retirement, then he didn't plan all that well, since he didn't factor in spousal happiness, just like you have to factor in sickness and injuries. He could have prevent the whole thing by wanting to be open, intimate and fuck your brains out once in a while.
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