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Post by seekinganswers on Jan 31, 2019 12:53:08 GMT -5
Hi all, it’s your resident refuser here 😊 I haven’t made any hard decisions about my deal and am still trying to work through everything...so no real update to share unfortunately. But I wanted to reach out to you all with a question: can those of you who divorced with young children just tell your story of how that went and how they are now? My son is 7, and I am so stuck when it comes to considering divorce and the impact it would have on him. I’m in a low conflict marriage, so I can’t fall back on him being better off if we divorced. I think he must pick up on things to a certain degree, but for the most part my husband and I get along well as far as what my son sees. I’d love your insight.
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Post by baza on Jan 31, 2019 17:52:21 GMT -5
One school of thought is that the younger the kid(s) the "easier" they cope with such an event. And my personal experience is that this is largely true. Further, if you think you are successfully keeping the kid in the dark about your marriage you are most likely sadly mistaken. They 'know' that somethings not right even if they don't know 'what' is not right. But at the end of the day, the kid is a side-bar. A very important side-bar but a side-bar none the less. This choice you are considering is all about YOU Sister seekinganswers . It is entirely your call, not your spouses nor your kids call or responsibility. Whatever call you make has to be in your longer term best interests. If you do that, then the flow on effect (of you being a happier better adjusted person) is something that your kid is highly likely to benefit from. But there'll be a short term additional pain cost to pay. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 1, 2019 10:42:17 GMT -5
My son was three when his father and I split. (He’s almost 4 now.) It was intentional on our parts to do it when he was young since neither of us saw things getting better in our marriage.
We were also low conflict but some of the factors I considered were 1) we were not setting a good example for our son of the kind of loving intimate relationship we’d want him to aspire to one day and 2) my assumption was that I would be a better mother if I was happier as a result of leaving (and I believe that HAS turned out to be the case).
My son is young enough to not have it impact him and I am grateful for that. The transition has been extremely smooth. If he had been seven I know I would have had a much harder time making the decision to leave. Although, that doesn’t mean that still wouldn’t be the best decision...
So if now is not the best time due to his age, when would be?? When he’s 18 and off to college, as many people assume? Not only would that mean you’d be deciding to endure this unhappy situation for another decade, but that has actually proven to be a very tumultuous time for kids and having their parents split then can be quite hard for them. I personally think there is no “good” time.
But if you think you will leave, wouldn’t now be better than when you’re looking in the rearview at more years wasted?
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Post by shamwow on Feb 2, 2019 9:17:19 GMT -5
So I didn't divorce with young children (my youngest was 13 at the time of divorce), but between ballofconfusion and I, we have 6 kids total so I do have some thoughts. The kids ages at divorce were 13,15,16,17,19, and 21. It seems. As though the divorce was easiest for the kids in this order (easier to harder) IMHO: 13,21,19,17,15,16 Basically I found they deal with it better when they are old enough to cope with it or young enough to have resiliency to roll with it. The ones in high school teen ages got hardest hit. Of course those are 6 unique kids in our unique situation. Individual results will vary. My daughter, for example still doesnt seem herself almost two years out. But I also know that expecting my 18 year old young woman to still be like he previous 16 year old "daddy's girl" is foolish. Short form? Divorce sucks. Especially for kids. But in many situations addressing the fact the marriage is essentially over is far better than modeling a shithole to your kid and having them grow up to believe that is what marriage should be. Just my 2 cents. Edit: And if you'd asked me 3 years ago if I'd have 6 kids intertwined in my life I would have never believed you. It's strange (and wonderful) what this crazy life can throw at us, isn't it? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2019 14:12:31 GMT -5
I agree with shamwow . At the end of the day, your kid(s) know. They know something is not right. They know you are not addressing it. They know they can't talk about it. It's the elephant in the room that everyone is supposed to pretend doesn't exist. It's pretty hard to tiptoe around that for years on end and feel normal. It creates a disconnect between reality and truth. It teaches kids that living a farce is acceptable. It teaches kids to set the bar low on their own marriages. That said, I don't know your situation and so I would never presume to say you should divorce. Oftentimes, there are extenuating circumstances that make divorce far more evil than a bad marriage - I am thinking of financial issues, potential custody battles, anticipated behavior of the spouse, etc. Some people really are better off staying.
I was fortunate enough to get out. And though my kids are also not particularly young, they have taken it remarkably well. My youngest is 11. He cried when we announced it but 2 weeks later, he told me to stop talking about it because it had been "a long time." In short, I believe that kids are much more resilient than adults, certainly much more resilient than we give them credit for.
Divorce is your decision because you are the adult and you know best. I think we give too much power to our children. As parents, we need to be emotionally stable and at peace in order for our children to be their best. My advice would be to take care of yourself. Make sure you are living your truth, being your best self, and the rest will take care of itself. In putting yourself first, you may find that divorce just happens, even without an active decision. You may just snap one day and say enough is enough. One thing's for sure, when you're ready, you will know. Until then, keep asking the hard questions and taking steps forward for YOURSELF. It will prepare you for your future, whatever that may be.
P.S. I lived in a low conflict marriage too, but a toxic one. I don't have one ounce of regret over leaving. I don't miss my ex, and you could not pay me to live with him again. We are very amicable post divorce. However, once he left the marital home, I realized just how much life I had been missing out on. Just how much joy and hope was missing from my life while he was in it. You don't really know how unhappy you were until you get the chance to be free of the dead weight. And when you're free (I've said it before) you'll find that you actually have wings and can FLY!!!! I LOVE my life.
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Post by seekinganswers on Feb 4, 2019 6:37:00 GMT -5
Wow, thank you guys so much. What you’ve said really resonates with me to the point of tears. Probably because I know deep down what you’re saying is the truth.
Elle, first congrats on your new found freedom and happiness! That’s so amazing and inspiring. You articulated how I feel better than I could about tiptoeing around the elephant in the room and just living a farce. It’s such an uncomfortable way to live, and a terrible example for my son. Ugh. It’s definitely a process for me to understand putting myself first, it’s not my instinct. But I get it, and I get how it can make me a better parent in the long run. I’m glad you said that when it’s time I’ll know, I’m not quite there. There’s just so much to weigh. I wonder if I can ever be as brave as you guys are..
Thank you!!
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Post by baza on Mar 10, 2019 22:44:32 GMT -5
Wow, thank you guys so much. What you’ve said really resonates with me to the point of tears. Probably because I know deep down what you’re saying is the truth. Elle, first congrats on your new found freedom and happiness! That’s so amazing and inspiring. You articulated how I feel better than I could about tiptoeing around the elephant in the room and just living a farce. It’s such an uncomfortable way to live, and a terrible example for my son. Ugh. It’s definitely a process for me to understand putting myself first, it’s not my instinct. But I get it, and I get how it can make me a better parent in the long run. I’m glad you said that when it’s time I’ll know, I’m not quite there. There’s just so much to weigh. I wonder if I can ever be as brave as you guys are.. Thank you!! I'm none too sure that "bravery" has a real lot to do with it Sister seekinganswers . I think that "preparedness" holds the key for many of us. That is to say, having ones ducks lined up (legal advice, exit strategy, functioning support network, plan to shepherd kids through such a scenario) When "opportunity" meets "preparedness" big things can happen. You can't control "opportunity". You definitely CAN control your state of "preparedness". |
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Post by caballotierra on Mar 12, 2019 20:55:47 GMT -5
seekinganswers, not much for me to add. Just agreeing with others. 1. No one can tell you whether you should stay or leave. It’s your decision, period. 2. However, if you’re here, there’s a reason. Investigate your situation until you feel clear what you need to do. Then do it. 3. Took me nearly 3 years from serious inquiry to final decision. Take whatever time you need. 4. Your kids know. When you’re that close to a situation, you lose perspective. But others pick up on it. 5. The most compelling reason for me to leave was the realization that I was teaching my kids what marriage was and what kind of a relationship they would seek. Once I realized that if my son ever described his one day marriage to me in the terms I described my own, it would break my heart. And if I ever saw him cry and tell me he felt unlovable because his wife refused to touch him (as I felt), I would be devestated. 6. My w was kind to me. I had one of the “good ones.” Or so I thought. Time has changed that perception. Might change yours too eventually. Whatever you choose, sorry you ended up here, but also welcome and glad you’re here.
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