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Post by Isabellas39 on May 23, 2016 11:29:28 GMT -5
I am curious about your views on this topic..
Who pays for the room generally ?
How long should one wait to get a room, if you connected on online ?
I have ventured into this area and I find it challenging to find the 'right' person. I am someone that enjoys conversation, lots of it before getting physical. I have had one affair and it did not truly satisfy me because the frequency was not good, it lacked creativity and romance. I am not sure if my expectations are too high. I think settling in my marriage has spilled over to settling elsewhere in my life, and it leaves me feeling unworthy and doubting everything I do. I use to trust my instincts, but now I run everything by my best friend because I question whether my needs are right or wrong. How messed up is that ?
I really would like to hear your expectations when outsourcing...
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 11:45:58 GMT -5
Finding an AP is like finding a spouse, only more complicated. If you're at all concerned about getting caught, you have to search and choose wisely.
Are you concerned about getting caught? Would that be really bad? Assuming the affirmative for both of these, I would only consider someone extremely smart, highly disciplined, and with more to lose than you have. Sloppiness gets you caught -- as does arrogance. And, if you like conversation, smarter folks are just better at this.
Personally, I think general fun has to be part of the deal. Not everyone is capable of having fun or being fun. And not everyone -- even fun folks -- are fun to everyone else. So, you might want to find someone that enjoys the same things you do. Sneaking around weaving a web of lies is hard work. You really have to enjoy the product to make this whole deal worth it. And even recreational sex -- great recreational sex -- has its limitations. But if you combine it with other fun and interesting stuff, it compounds exponentially.
BUT. That's the problem. If you do all this work, and find this relationship, it WILL consume you. How couldn't it?
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Post by RumRunner on May 28, 2016 19:49:43 GMT -5
I am curious about your views on this topic.. Who pays for the room generally ? How long should one wait to get a room, if you connected on online ? I have ventured into this area and I find it challenging to find the 'right' person. I am someone that enjoys conversation, lots of it before getting physical. I have had one affair and it did not truly satisfy me because the frequency was not good, it lacked creativity and romance. I am not sure if my expectations are too high. I think settling in my marriage has spilled over to settling elsewhere in my life, and it leaves me feeling unworthy and doubting everything I do. I use to trust my instincts, but now I run everything by my best friend because I question whether my needs are right or wrong. How messed up is that ? I really would like to hear your expectations when outsourcing... I don't know your situation. I had an affair only once before, and it didn't last long since it was a long distance one. But after we had the affair, she told me that she only wanted to be friends. Today, we are very best friends, and like you, she questions everything and talks to me about what is going on in her life. So no, you are not messed up!!! I have been determined to be the best friend that I could be by being supportive, even though it secretly hurts because of what we used to share. I understand what you are saying about questioning your needs. As far as your expectations? No, I do not believe your expectations were too high. I think that outsourcing is very challenging because it is yet another relationship, and the fact that you cannot completely commit to the other because of your current situation is agonizing. This makes affairs complicated, unfortunately. |
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Post by baza on May 28, 2016 22:10:22 GMT -5
Do you have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket to mitigate the uproar should you get caught Sister Isabellas ?
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Anyway, this bit of your post - "I really would like to hear your expectations when outsourcing..." raises a very very relevant point.
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I think it is super important to really think about this.
Are you just looking for a root ?
Are you actually looking for a primary relationship ?
Are you looking for a root, but wouldn't mind it becoming a primary relationship ?
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As Brother Creel says (above) extra marital sex is a lot of hard work. Is the risk / reward equation worth it ?
The outsourcing option really requires some pragmatic unemotional analysis.
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 3:55:43 GMT -5
If your affair partner is married, chances are he is not going to leave his wife. In an affair you run the risk of falling in love with someone you will never have. A person considering an affair would be wise to assess her ability to compartmentalize the almost inevitable feelings of attachment that go along with sexual intercourse. Life in an affair is much simpler if you are capable of a casual root.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 29, 2016 16:43:02 GMT -5
Hmmmmmm,....my personal opinion
I should think the 1st time you meet for consummate your affair it would be like the 1st date, the guy should pay. If you decide to continue the affair and if it's financially doable then perhaps a sharing or the expense could be considered, unless one partner is much more well off financially.
You should wait until you both are absolutely sure this is what you want to do. You will, have weighted the risk vs. reward equation. You will have planned a plausible reason(s) for the time spent with the AP just in case your spouse, family , sick child , injury, work or some other unknown requires that you be contacted. You will have figured out where the money for your time together spent sight seeing, meals or for the room can be found with out ever being found out. And you will have decided what it is you really want from the affair. If it's romance and good conversation, an emotional connection in addition to sex it sounds like you are seeking more than most outsourcing or AP will bring. And you will have to have laid down some ground rules should one or both of you want to take the relationship to another level.
I'm in the boat with Creel Union and baza, a lot to consider and plan if you hope to avoid being caught while at the same time maximizing the fun and enjoyable aspects of the experience.
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Post by sodone1492 on May 29, 2016 20:48:10 GMT -5
I've had 3 affairs...no regrets. You asked about the logistics so I'll share my experience.
First affair was when I was out of town on business - 9 years celibate. I basically got drunk with another hotel guest. We spent the week together and never saw each other again. It was fantastic. I'm not even sure if he gave me his real name and I could care less because I gave him a fake name too. I just wanted sex and for someone to hold me. Mission accomplished.
Second and third affairs were/are with men I met on Ashley Madison. There are tons of nice guys on there but you have to sift through the rif-raf. The nice guys don't have their pics posted and take their time getting to know you before they send a pic. I exchanged emails with both men for 2 or 3 months before I even met them for a drink. In both cases, the men paid for the room and I bought lunch or dinner. When we'd go out of town, I paid for the rooms. My first affair lasted about 18 months I think. Second is almost 3 years. I'm divorced now and still seeing the second man. Usually we'd check into a room after lunch and spend the afternoond together, and then meet again in the morning.
My advice is to take your time and wait for the right guy. There's a lot at stake so if you want a long term affair, take your time. I'm in HIV/Aids research so I'll add that you should use a condom until both of your are tested twice. 3 months apart.
Good luck.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 30, 2016 4:49:16 GMT -5
I am curious about your views on this topic.. Who pays for the room generally ? How long should one wait to get a room, if you connected on online ? I have ventured into this area and I find it challenging to find the 'right' person. I am someone that enjoys conversation, lots of it before getting physical. I have had one affair and it did not truly satisfy me because the frequency was not good, it lacked creativity and romance. I am not sure if my expectations are too high. I think settling in my marriage has spilled over to settling elsewhere in my life, and it leaves me feeling unworthy and doubting everything I do. I use to trust my instincts, but now I run everything by my best friend because I question whether my needs are right or wrong. How messed up is that ? I really would like to hear your expectations when outsourcing... Logistics are NOT what is keeping you away from having your next affair dear Isabellas39 . When you get to meet someone who takes your breath away, there are really no questions about when or where to meet, and who is booking or paying what. You get carried away and the next thing you know, you wake up in the morning of the day after exhilarated and happy, feeling entitled to that kind of happiness and wishing that it will last forever (it hardly ever does).Without knowing you or any private communication between us, but just from your comments or posts on EP or here, I get that you are a sensitive soul, caught between a rock and a hard place. There are things of emotional, financial, logistic nature (you name it) that are making it impossible for you to leave your marriage, and there are things of a similar nature that are making you question yourself on whether or not to have an affair. You don't strike me as the type who could go and have a weeklong sexcation as sodone1492 did before her divorce (or as I did, several years ago, with a stranger I met on a bar) or you wouldn't be here asking questions. Rather than wondering about outsourcing, I would focus on what is keeping me entrapped, and how to address those issues one by one so that one day (it may well take me months, years or more) I would be free to contemplate dating, meeting someone new and having a proper relationship with someone, in the open and not sneaking away like thieves. The worst thing in the world about outsourcing, in my opinion - unless it is an open-marriage-kind-of-setting - is that it is a lot like stealing and it is unfair to at least one person (but possibly more than one) involved in the dynamic. Follow your instincts, which at the moment are telling you all you need to know. Be safe :-) It is true, outsourcing is not for everyone. Make your decision and go with it. Affairs are for the right here, right now. I, personally, do not have the time or patience to wait months or years for the right thing to come along. Life is not guaranteed.
"Fairness" is a subjective term and exists only in the minds of human beings. If it truly existed in the world, then only rapists would get testicular cancer. Sexless marriages would not exist because it is "unfair" to one or both parties.
Logistically: get a burner phone (cheap one you can easily throw away) and use it exclusively for communication with AP. Find times in you schedule that are not being tracked by some other person to meet your AP. Lastly AWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS use protection, male condoms or female condoms - always bring your own. If he/she is screwing you, then there is a good chance they are screwing someone else too. I met my AP on line and for men, (those sites are packed with guys looking) it seems to take a little longer to find what you are looking for. Don't close off someone just because they are not exactly what you want. As far as a room goes, we generally just meet at her place when no one else is around. If you are renting a room I would discuss it with you AP first. Also discuss who is bringing the condoms and then bring your own anyway. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 8:34:57 GMT -5
I've had 3 affairs...no regrets. You asked about the logistics so I'll share my experience. First affair was when I was out of town on business - 9 years celibate. I basically got drunk with another hotel guest. We spent the week together and never saw each other again. It was fantastic. I'm not even sure if he gave me his real name and I could care less because I gave him a fake name too. I just wanted sex and for someone to hold me. Mission accomplished. Second and third affairs were/are with men I met on Ashley Madison. There are tons of nice guys on there but you have to sift through the rif-raf. The nice guys don't have their pics posted and take their time getting to know you before they send a pic. I exchanged emails with both men for 2 or 3 months before I even met them for a drink. In both cases, the men paid for the room and I bought lunch or dinner. When we'd go out of town, I paid for the rooms. My first affair lasted about 18 months I think. Second is almost 3 years. I'm divorced now and still seeing the second man. Usually we'd check into a room after lunch and spend the afternoond together, and then meet again in the morning. My advice is to take your time and wait for the right guy. There's a lot at stake so if you want a long term affair, take your time. I'm in HIV/Aids research so I'll add that you should use a condom until both of your are tested twice. 3 months apart. Good luck. , it's great to hear from you. Your story is the coolest. One of the more brutal, but in the end, a neat story of decisive courage. I hope you're well. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 10, 2016 13:02:50 GMT -5
I have had many discussions about intimacy with my husband over the years. This started in my late 20's and continues to this day. Our marriage have been completely devoid of sex for close to 10 years (I stopped counting). In one of those conversations when I asked him what he wants from our marriage he answered companionship ... I told him I refuse to remain sexless, and I also brought up an open marriage ..
My problems with outsourcing are it's very hard to find someone that have the same needs, and is in a similar marriage. I find that many men looking are actually trying to be the perfect spouse at home, so then I have to wonder are they really lacking intimacy... I have always been a one partner at a time type person.. I like knowing that I'm the only one , we can talk for hours, and enjoy each other's company ..I miss waking up next to someone that desires me.. I hate the feeling of wanting to be close, and I can't be playful and have my guy whenever I want. I miss cuddling and watching movies together, sleeping next to someone that I can touch anywhere I desire, and I miss romance. I often wonder how my husband can sleep alone all these years and be happy because it's frustrating ...It makes no sense to me to be married and still be so alone.
Sex, I know I can find but the rest not so much in an affair...I know I will always be unsatisfied and wrestling with myself because I can't be my authentic self . In order to find the relationship I seek I have to be single...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 13:29:51 GMT -5
Isabellas39, so what was his response to your questions about the open marriage? And what kind of "Companionship" does he like? Do you guys bowl together or watch your favorite TV shows together? There are PILES men running around in Sexless Marriages not by their own choosing, so I don't think you would have any trouble finding a "One Woman Man". But the rest of it -- impromptu playfulness; evenings, nights, and mornings; and the rest of the things we associate with committed relationships -- are nearly impossible with an affair. Checkmate.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 10, 2016 14:09:36 GMT -5
Isabellas39 - I've never outsourced but I usually would take flirting to that point to which I believed I could take it further - maybe as a sort of validation for myself due to the neglect at home. Good advice here though from the comments above. CreelUnion "There are PILES of men running around in Sexless Marriages not by their own choosing, so I don't think you would have any trouble finding a "One Woman Man". But the rest of it -- impromptu playfulness; evenings, nights, and mornings; and the rest of the things we associate with committed relationships -- are nearly impossible with an affair."
I am a one woman man (SM not by choice)and if you were nearby, I know it would be smartly discreet but there would be some romance, eating, coffee & dessert, riding horses on the beach here, even a couple days away to make it (the affair) fulfilling in a rounded sort of way. We'd have open conversation about thoughts, dreams, kids, and money including figuring out how to pay for the outings or rooms. But I do see it can be a lot to juggle and can be difficult to hide your happy "aura" from your spouse. We usually get a "new spring in our step" so to speak when we get that rush of life back into us and it likely will be noticed. Some spouses choose to ignore what they suspect is going on as long as their world remains the same. But a lot of caution needed not to get caught or followed.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 14:24:20 GMT -5
But I do see it can be a lot to juggle and can be difficult to hide your happy "aura" from your spouse. We usually get a "new spring in our step" so to speak when we get that rush of life back into us and it likely will be noticed. Some spouses choose to ignore what they suspect is going on as long as their world remains the same. But a lot of caution needed not to get caught or followed. I doubt many of the refusing spouses here are tuned in enough to notice ANYTHING. And I'd bet the refusing husbands are even more tone deaf than the wives. Particularly if the "Open Marriage" has been discussed. That usually doesn't come up until conversation 377 fails. I'm guessing Isabellas39's husband is dead and just waiting for the wagon to come and pick him up. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 10, 2016 14:29:00 GMT -5
But I do see it can be a lot to juggle and can be difficult to hide your happy "aura" from your spouse. We usually get a "new spring in our step" so to speak when we get that rush of life back into us and it likely will be noticed. Some spouses choose to ignore what they suspect is going on as long as their world remains the same. But a lot of caution needed not to get caught or followed. I doubt many of the refusing spouses here are tuned in enough to notice ANYTHING. And I'd bet the refusing husbands are even more tone deaf than the wives. Particularly if the "Open Marriage" has been discussed. That usually doesn't come up until conversation 377 fails. I'm guessing Isabellas39 's husband is dead and just waiting for the wagon to come and pick him up. LOL, you are probably spot on! |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 10, 2016 16:24:51 GMT -5
Isabellas39 , so what was his response to your questions about the open marriage? And what kind of "Companionship" does he like? Do you guys bowl together or watch your favorite TV shows together? There are PILES men running around in Sexless Marriages not by their own choosing, so I don't think you would have any trouble finding a "One Woman Man". But the rest of it -- impromptu playfulness; evenings, nights, and mornings; and the rest of the things we associate with committed relationships -- are nearly impossible with an affair. Checkmate. Creel, his response is always that he knows he's being selfish...I believe he prefers to bury his head in the sand as long as nothing in his world changes. There were times he would say he knows I will leave eventually, and I can't stop myself from asking him how can he make retirements plans with me in mind if he truly believes that ? When I asked the open marriage question he asked me what I will tell the kids that just made me shake my head.. I understand that in an affair certain things will never happen, but I seem to find the most clueless assholes...They act as if having an affair means the woman must accept whatever scraps they give. Conversation ? In the beginning that seems fine, but then it gets to the point where they're always busy with some shit...Creativity and romance ? Forget about that too because if you can't come up with things to do, and talk about all you get is more of the same and silence. I don't think it's easy to find men in completely sexless marriages because for many it's about frequency..One guy I spoke to said the frequency was once every two weeks, and they had weekly date nights. I don't know, maybe I attract clueless men! |
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