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Post by smith227 on Jan 12, 2019 9:35:13 GMT -5
It’s been a few weeks since the last time my husband threw me a bone and decided I’m sure as a last resort he needed to get off. It’s so routine I can call t at this point. He starts showing me a tiny bit of attention. For example, last night when he come home from work he sat a little closer to me on the sofa and actually wanted to talk to me while he played his video games. At one point he patted my shoulder and that’s when I was done. I calmly and rationally told him I knew the routine and evidently it was time for us to have sex for a couple minutes tonight between video games and internet. He of course flew off the handle. I told him if he’d like to discuss this with me I’d love to have that conversation. I also reminded him that we’ve had this conversation several times and that I’ve told him I need the love and affection in order to have the sex that would normally come along with it and he’s done nothing to change it. I also told him that I do love him and I want to be with him, but I have to also think of myself and can handle only so much rejection within my own marriage. So, it told him that I was trying to find ways to sustain the relationship without physical intimacy, bc I do want to be with him. And instead of walking around pissed off and accusing him of being withholding, I was trying to understand if he is repulsed by physical contact, how to deal with that on my end as his wife. I said all of this in a calm loving tone. I was met with a “fuck off” and told that I just try to make everything miserable all the time. I was told that it was “fine” and that we could just be “pals”. This is a man that never touches me. This is a man that never kisses me. This is a man that if I accidentally roll close to him in bed I’m asked to immediately move. This is a man who turns me over for a couple minutes every couple of months and only touches me with his penis and thinks that constitutes a romantic relationship. And when I’m trying to understand and have a conversation with him, a conversation we’ve had many times before. A conversation that I’m now trying to turn into understanding why he is the way he is, and trying to find solutions to not change him but find a way to deal with it and work around it. Yet, I’m told to fuck off and then he shuts down. I can’t win.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 12, 2019 10:37:12 GMT -5
You can’t change him. Even if he wanted to, he probably no more could become the sexual partner you want than you can become what he wants.
If you plan to have a fulfilling sex life, you need to recognize it won’t be with him.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jan 12, 2019 11:45:29 GMT -5
It’s been a few weeks since the last time my husband threw me a bone and decided I’m sure as a last resort he needed to get off. It’s so routine I can call t at this point. He starts showing me a tiny bit of attention. For example, last night when he come home from work he sat a little closer to me on the sofa and actually wanted to talk to me while he played his video games. At one point he patted my shoulder and that’s when I was done. I calmly and rationally told him I knew the routine and evidently it was time for us to have sex for a couple minutes tonight between video games and internet. He of course flew off the handle. I told him if he’d like to discuss this with me I’d love to have that conversation. I also reminded him that we’ve had this conversation several times and that I’ve told him I need the love and affection in order to have the sex that would normally come along with it and he’s done nothing to change it. I also told him that I do love him and I want to be with him, but I have to also think of myself and can handle only so much rejection within my own marriage. So, it told him that I was trying to find ways to sustain the relationship without physical intimacy, bc I do want to be with him. And instead of walking around pissed off and accusing him of being withholding, I was trying to understand if he is repulsed by physical contact, how to deal with that on my end as his wife. I said all of this in a calm loving tone. I was met with a “fuck off” and told that I just try to make everything miserable all the time. I was told that it was “fine” and that we could just be “pals”. This is a man that never touches me. This is a man that never kisses me. This is a man that if I accidentally roll close to him in bed I’m asked to immediately move. This is a man who turns me over for a couple minutes every couple of months and only touches me with his penis and thinks that constitutes a romantic relationship. And when I’m trying to understand and have a conversation with him, a conversation we’ve had many times before. A conversation that I’m now trying to turn into understanding why he is the way he is, and trying to find solutions to not change him but find a way to deal with it and work around it. Yet, I’m told to fuck off and then he shuts down. I can’t win. I think the handwriting is on the wall. “You’re making everything miserable” is gaslighting. And it’s evidence that he won’t accept responsibility for his part. Instead he wants to blame it on you. Jerk move. “We can be pals.” That’s what he wants. Clearly. “Fuck off.” He doesn’t care. Rough stuff to deal with. Sending hugs to you. Know that you will find support and wisdom here from others who are going through or have gone through similar experiences. One question for you: Have you considered asking him to go to couples counseling to work on this issue?
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 12, 2019 12:36:56 GMT -5
This seems to me to be a pretty clear cut case of being intimacy averse. I don't know if that condition is basic to his persona or something that could be cumulative, like an aquired allergy. But I think I know it when I see it. Unfortunately for you, there isn't anything you can do about it. It's possible perhaps that he could seek individual therapy, but I don't know what the success rate is for that route, provided he is willing to go. My gut feeling is that he won't be. The "fuck off" from him tells me he places a very low value to the relationship. So why would he spend any time or money trying to salvage the relationship when it has a low priority for him? It's also pretty clear that he has little or no real love for you. I'm sorry to have to say that. But one doesn't treat someone they love in so cavalier a manor. You have stated previously that "outsourcing" isn't for you. That being the case it seems you are left with 2 choices. You can accept him as is and the state of your marriage as being about as good as it's going to get. In all probability it's going to continue to go downhill, and not just in the intimacy aspect. Or you can pick door #2 and start to plan your escape. Neither choice is very appetizing but there it is.
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Post by flounder on Jan 12, 2019 12:47:06 GMT -5
Told you to fuck off? We can be “pals”?
I thank you have your answer. If he would not be willing to try therapy either together or just for himself,I would be telling him to get out.
Tell him to “ fuck off “after you ream his ass in divorce proceedings.
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Post by nyctos on Jan 12, 2019 18:27:40 GMT -5
So, it told him that I was trying to find ways to sustain the relationship without physical intimacy, bc I do want to be with him. And instead of walking around pissed off and accusing him of being withholding, I was trying to understand if he is repulsed by physical contact, how to deal with that on my end as his wife. I said all of this in a calm loving tone. I was met with a “fuck off” and told that I just try to make everything miserable all the time. I was told that it was “fine” and that we could just be “pals”. This is a man that never touches me. This is a man that never kisses me. This is a man that if I accidentally roll close to him in bed I’m asked to immediately move. I can’t win. This is awful. And no, it doesn't sound like you can win. I suspect he needs therapy regardless if he's that repulsed by physical touch. Shelby you would think that purple enter into a marriage not simply expecting to just be pals. Do you have kids? If not, I would suggest you leave now. It's going to be extremely difficult to maintain a relationship without physical intimacy. Either that, or ask him if he mind if you find physical comfort elsewhere.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 20:57:58 GMT -5
I'm still waiting to hear about the upside of this guy.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 12, 2019 21:15:32 GMT -5
You’re right: you can’t win.
He does not respect you. He is averse to physical touch. He is not open to even having a conversation about his issues. He is not going to change.
“Fuck off”?? If he had said that to me that’s EXACTLY what I would I done. I would have packed my shit and gotten the fuck OUT. What a dick.
You may find it helpful to read my backstory. My ex is also averse to touch. But he was at least willing to talk about it, acknowledge the problem, and get help. In the end he was not capable of change and I decided that this was NOT the way I wanted to live my life. I left and am so glad that I did. I am now with a wonderful man who loves sex, intimacy, and physical touch just as much as I do. It is wonderful to feel appreciated again. I hope you will have that too. (Note that it will NOT be with your current guy.)
Hugs.
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Post by baza on Jan 12, 2019 21:46:10 GMT -5
It would seem that the time has come to get your focus off this loser and the past, and start focusing on yourself and your future Sister smith227Based on what you have divulged so far, if you are to be happy in your future, he is NOT going to be in that picture.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2019 4:44:40 GMT -5
We can make lists of all the things that have to change in order for you to have the relationship you should have. The real point of the list would be that he needs a major overhaul. Too much dopamine from video games, and a rewiring of his brain to desire a better relationship and a burning interest in sexual experiences. Between videogames and the internet, I suspect he is not much of one for taking care of the home, either. Urgh.
There is a rule about machinery that if the cost of the repairs is half of the replacement cost, it is time for a new machine.
The worst part is, it is not your choice if he gets fixed. He has to want to fix his problems. If he does not see them as his problems, they will not be fixed. His response indicates he does not think he needs to change anything.
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Post by tirefire on Jan 13, 2019 9:11:22 GMT -5
smith227 - Sorry that you had such a shitty evening. Lots of the stories on here have levels of complexity or subtlety but this guy just sounds like a real dick. How could you ever hope to discuss something with someone that treats you like that. Sorry.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 15, 2019 6:26:48 GMT -5
You don't have a 'right' to see inside his head or an entitlement to understand him. You don't own his head. I know part of you wants to understand so you can FIX, but you can't fix someone else. You can state your needs (he told you to fuck off), you can ask for understanding you can assist in changing the relationship (he told you to fuck off) and you can choose to go. At some point you have to reckon whether the good outweighs the bad or if this situation is sufficiently unbearable and you have to go.
I hope you don't waste your time as much as I did. I strongly, strongly advise you to see a therapist to help you work out this reckoning you must make.
BTW - I'm now in a relationship with someone who loves to touch me, hold me and fuck me. He takes pleasure in my body and it's joyous. We have fun, too.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 17, 2019 17:41:36 GMT -5
I think it is high time you told him to fuck off permenantly!
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