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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2018 14:52:59 GMT -5
So here's my question. After the last big blow up, my husband insists he's in this and want to keep working on what's lacking in our marriage. He does not want a divorce, admits his failures, and is trying to do better. I can see he is making the effort. I am trying hard to focus on me and fixing what I can fix about me. I, however, keep getting sidelined mentally by my own negative thoughts (here we go again, it won't last, been here before, etc.). I'm wishing I could somehow wash away all the baggage of the last 7 years and just start over, fresh, with new eyes (and an unscarred heart) and see where it goes. Any suggestions on how to shut your brain (and heart) off? lol! I know my tendency is to throw it all away and start over with someone else. I'm trying not to do that, especially since I see he really does want this to work and it making some concessions and some changes but my thoughts may be derailing me. We've got a long weekend ahead us, with no kids, and no plans for NYE yet. I want to make the most of this time together and don't want my psyche to unnecessarily put a wrench in what may otherwise be a very healing weekend for us. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. TIA ....
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 28, 2018 15:24:36 GMT -5
@whynotm3, it ain’t easy, for sure. The baggage is hard to leave behind if you don’t put it out of your mind, but nobody wants to be burned by a repeat they should have seen coming.
The best example I can suggest is to read the last few months of shynjdude’s story. He went from a hopeless situation and declaring divorce, to a dramatic turnaround with good prospect of longevity before he deleted his account here.
The key ingredient for his situation was a super-motivated spouse and radical transparency about past hurts and current feelings, down to analyzing why he had affairs and what he gained from them.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2018 15:35:56 GMT -5
DryCreek ... thank you. I will see what I can find. I've heard much about shynjdude and think he may have even popped back on here once to respond to a tag from baza in regards to one of my posts. Will have to find it again. Still figuring out how to manage this site. I get 'lost' on here a lot. lol! The 'radical transparency' part caught my attention. I'm too nice. I need to stop that. I need to maintain my 'position' if you will, with my husband and stop letting things slide. I'm sure that's part of MY issue here. If I'm not adamant and consistent with what I want (even if that means he gets mad and a fight starts), he's going to think the pressure is off and we will backslide right back to our worst. I must continue to focus on me and what I want and need, being true to myself and stop trying to be such a people-pleaser, peacekeeper, and say nothing that will cause disruption.
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Post by baza on Dec 28, 2018 17:29:32 GMT -5
So here's my question. After the last big blow up, my husband insists he's in this and want to keep working on what's lacking in our marriage. He does not want a divorce, admits his failures, and is trying to do better. I can see he is making the effort. I am trying hard to focus on me and fixing what I can fix about me. I, however, keep getting sidelined mentally by my own negative thoughts (here we go again, it won't last, been here before, etc.). I'm wishing I could somehow wash away all the baggage of the last 7 years and just start over, fresh, with new eyes (and an unscarred heart) and see where it goes. Any suggestions on how to shut your brain (and heart) off? lol! I know my tendency is to throw it all away and start over with someone else. I'm trying not to do that, especially since I see he really does want this to work and it making some concessions and some changes but my thoughts may be derailing me. We've got a long weekend ahead us, with no kids, and no plans for NYE yet. I want to make the most of this time together and don't want my psyche to unnecessarily put a wrench in what may otherwise be a very healing weekend for us. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. TIA .... What - exactly - do you mean by this bit Sister @whynotm3 - "I want to make the most of this time together"See, I think if this is, in your mind, "a pivotal few days on which the future of the marriage hangs" then you are setting yourself up for failure. Man, that is real pressure, both on him and on you. How would you feel about kicking back over the next few days, letting him run the agenda whilst you chill out and go along with whatever he plans/suggests. Get the pressure right off him (and you) and see what happens. See what he does. I think you might get a far more 'genuine' response out of him than you would under an extremely pressured scenario. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2018 17:47:42 GMT -5
So here's my question. After the last big blow up, my husband insists he's in this and want to keep working on what's lacking in our marriage. He does not want a divorce, admits his failures, and is trying to do better. I can see he is making the effort. I am trying hard to focus on me and fixing what I can fix about me. I, however, keep getting sidelined mentally by my own negative thoughts (here we go again, it won't last, been here before, etc.). I'm wishing I could somehow wash away all the baggage of the last 7 years and just start over, fresh, with new eyes (and an unscarred heart) and see where it goes. Any suggestions on how to shut your brain (and heart) off? lol! I know my tendency is to throw it all away and start over with someone else. I'm trying not to do that, especially since I see he really does want this to work and it making some concessions and some changes but my thoughts may be derailing me. We've got a long weekend ahead us, with no kids, and no plans for NYE yet. I want to make the most of this time together and don't want my psyche to unnecessarily put a wrench in what may otherwise be a very healing weekend for us. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. TIA .... What - exactly - do you mean by this bit Sister @whynotm3 - "I want to make the most of this time together"See, I think if this is, in your mind, "a pivotal few days on which the future of the marriage hangs" then you are setting yourself up for failure. Man, that is real pressure, both on him and on you. How would you feel about kicking back over the next few days, letting him run the agenda whilst you chill out and go along with whatever he plans/suggests. Get the pressure right off him (and you) and see what happens. See what he does. I think you might get a far more 'genuine' response out of him than you would under an extremely pressured scenario. So if the hubby wants to go to the big swinger party this weekend after only a week and a half of peace following a near complete split, baza I should say "sure, sounds like fun?" 🙄 I'm quite certain I'm not ready for that, but you would not be the first person to tell me to back off and let him do what he wants. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2018 17:54:22 GMT -5
So here's my question. After the last big blow up, my husband insists he's in this and want to keep working on what's lacking in our marriage. He does not want a divorce, admits his failures, and is trying to do better. I can see he is making the effort. I am trying hard to focus on me and fixing what I can fix about me. I, however, keep getting sidelined mentally by my own negative thoughts (here we go again, it won't last, been here before, etc.). I'm wishing I could somehow wash away all the baggage of the last 7 years and just start over, fresh, with new eyes (and an unscarred heart) and see where it goes. Any suggestions on how to shut your brain (and heart) off? lol! I know my tendency is to throw it all away and start over with someone else. I'm trying not to do that, especially since I see he really does want this to work and it making some concessions and some changes but my thoughts may be derailing me. We've got a long weekend ahead us, with no kids, and no plans for NYE yet. I want to make the most of this time together and don't want my psyche to unnecessarily put a wrench in what may otherwise be a very healing weekend for us. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. TIA .... What - exactly - do you mean by this bit Sister @whynotm3 - "I want to make the most of this time together"See, I think if this is, in your mind, "a pivotal few days on which the future of the marriage hangs" then you are setting yourself up for failure. Man, that is real pressure, both on him and on you. How would you feel about kicking back over the next few days, letting him run the agenda whilst you chill out and go along with whatever he plans/suggests. Get the pressure right off him (and you) and see what happens. See what he does. I think you might get a far more 'genuine' response out of him than you would under an extremely pressured scenario. ... and also, no, I did not mean fix everything this weekend. Merely that it would be a good opportunity to spend some time together without the kids home or a set agenda. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 28, 2018 21:35:26 GMT -5
My take on Baza's "kicking back" didn't involve swinging but let things play out at home. Maybe some naked sleeping together and chair sex or what ever you two like that is a little different or exciting.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 28, 2018 21:44:11 GMT -5
So if the hubby wants to go to the big swinger party this weekend after only a week and a half of peace following a near complete split, baza I should say "sure, sounds like fun?" 🙄 While I know nothing about the swinging community, horse sense says the two of you probably need to be on incredibly solid ground before introducing another player (or 6). I’d say he wouldn’t be that dumb, but I’ve witnessed enough tremendous lapses in judgement to never assume. So, no, I wouldn’t give him so much rope that he’ll hang himself; that’d just invite failure. I wouldn’t say that this weekend should be a test of his ability to read the severity of the situation. Personally, I’d try to propose activities together in and out of the bedroom, as well as out of the house. Probably with some significant periods at home for talking, perhaps lubricated with a mild amount of alcohol to ease the honesty but not cloud judgement. As best you can, this is an opportunity to lay it on the line and ask him to do the same. See if you can foster some really vulnerable dialog - how you feel, what you fear, what you crave. (He may need some education that intimacy is more than sex. Many refusers seem to struggle badly with emotional intimacy.) At this stage, there is little to lose by going all-in / full Monty / open kimono / soul baring - if it goes horribly, you end up where you already thought you were; if it goes well (back to the radical transparency), your relationship could restart on a whole new level of emotional intimacy. One of the more significant things I recall shynjdude did was they both tried to wipe the slate clean. It seemed from his writings that they were making a fresh start and treating their own past relationship almost like other people - like something you could analyze with a new partner to understand the winnings and failings, but without those scars projecting onto the new partner. That was no small task, and his wife played a big role in it succeeding. Your husband would similarly need to be passionately committed to it, not casual. As the mechanics go for finding his writings, you’ll probably have to just do a keyword search on his name. Since he deleted his account, I don’t think you can lookup his posts by author. Best wishes! |
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Post by baza on Dec 28, 2018 22:15:05 GMT -5
I think shynjdude most prolific post was titled "I messed up the talk have I messed up everything" (or something like that) so if you searched by story, you might fluke it. Incidently, by the tone of his last post and his abrupt departure, I don't think it's a given that his 'turnaround' continued, though I sure hope it did. Addendum - I just looked into the list of Sexless Marriage Threads, scrolled down a bit and there it was.
Titled "I screwed up with The Talk....am I screwed?"
I clicked on it and there was the thread in its' entirety.
Tagged @whynotm3 and DryCreek |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 8:46:40 GMT -5
So if the hubby wants to go to the big swinger party this weekend after only a week and a half of peace following a near complete split, baza I should say "sure, sounds like fun?" 🙄 While I know nothing about the swinging community, horse sense says the two of you probably need to be on incredibly solid ground before introducing another player (or 6). I’d say he wouldn’t be that dumb, but I’ve witnessed enough tremendous lapses in judgement to never assume. So, no, I wouldn’t give him so much rope that he’ll hang himself; that’d just invite failure. I wouldn’t say that this weekend should be a test of his ability to read the severity of the situation. Personally, I’d try to propose activities together in and out of the bedroom, as well as out of the house. Probably with some significant periods at home for talking, perhaps lubricated with a mild amount of alcohol to ease the honesty but not cloud judgement. As best you can, this is an opportunity to lay it on the line and ask him to do the same. See if you can foster some really vulnerable dialog - how you feel, what you fear, what you crave. (He may need some education that intimacy is more than sex. Many refusers seem to struggle badly with emotional intimacy.) At this stage, there is little to lose by going all-in / full Monty / open kimono / soul baring - if it goes horribly, you end up where you already thought you were; if it goes well (back to the radical transparency), your relationship could restart on a whole new level of emotional intimacy. One of the more significant things I recall shynjdude did was they both tried to wipe the slate clean. It seemed from his writings that they were making a fresh start and treating their own past relationship almost like other people - like something you could analyze with a new partner to understand the winnings and failings, but without those scars projecting onto the new partner. That was no small task, and his wife played a big role in it succeeding. Your husband would similarly need to be passionately committed to it, not casual. As the mechanics go for finding his writings, you’ll probably have to just do a keyword search on his name. Since he deleted his account, I don’t think you can lookup his posts by author. Best wishes! . Well, it wouldn't be the first time he had asked for a party at what I thought was the least appropriate time, lol, so nothing is out of the realm of possibilities. For me today, starting my day positive and happy, attitude right, and trying not to go off into situations that haven't happened yet. I left the house just now for a meeting and he was all flirty with me. A good sign of things to come. Shutting my brain off is always the hardest part. Fingers crossed for us this weekend. Hopefully it will be fun, a little sexy, but a little therapeutic as well. |
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Post by sadkat on Dec 29, 2018 17:54:24 GMT -5
@whynotm3- what you feel and think is a result of years of conditioning. You can’t help how you feel or the thoughts that are running through your head. Know that it is ok to have these thoughts and accept them for what they are. That will go a long way in helping you get to the next stage in your journey. I hope you have an opportunity to have a constructive and frank conversation with your husband. You both would benefit from you sharing how you feel and what you are thinking. I know that your husband has to be in the right frame of mind to hear it- maybe his desire to avoid divorce will put him in that frame of mind. You’ve received lots of good advice here. I wish you the best of luck over the New Year Holiday!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 19:13:50 GMT -5
@whynotm3- what you feel and think is a result of years of conditioning. You can’t help how you feel or the thoughts that are running through your head. Know that it is ok to have these thoughts and accept them for what they are. That will go a long way in helping you get to the next stage in your journey. I hope you have an opportunity to have a constructive and frank conversation with your husband. You both would benefit from you sharing how you feel and what you are thinking. I know that your husband has to be in the right frame of mind to hear it- maybe his desire to avoid divorce will put him in that frame of mind. You’ve received lots of good advice here. I wish you the best of luck over the New Year Holiday! Thank you sadkat for the validation and good reminders. So far it's been a good day. Surprise sex this afternoon, making it twice this week. I'm still guarded but trying to be optimistic and see the effort being made by him. Time will tell. Hoping for a great new year for you as well. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 29, 2018 19:17:12 GMT -5
Whynotme3
Surprise sex this afternoon,WTG, lucky dog. 
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 19:25:27 GMT -5
Whynotme3
Surprise sex this afternoon,WTG, lucky dog. 😊Thank you ... he is trying. I'm trying too. 😊 |
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Post by Handy on Dec 29, 2018 21:19:48 GMT -5
Whynotme3, as happy as I am for you, deep down inside me I am pulling for your H, that extra, extra wish that he would be more than happy to have sex with you and show it. It is tough for us refused but on some level I suspect is even tougher (more difficult) for people like your H to get through this distancing garbage and not showing affection and desire for a sex starved spouse like yourself..
BTW, on another forum similar to ILIASM when any poster said they had a romp in bed we all posted "lucky dog" as a sign of WTG and encouragement.
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