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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 20, 2018 11:56:15 GMT -5
I heard recently that post-sex depression is a real condition for many people who have regular sex. If it's a real condition for normal marriages, how magnified is it for us ILIASM sufferers? Jan, June, and Oct. Those were my sex months for 2018 (I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's done for the year), and after each time we had sex I felt this wave of depression. Not a feeling of, hey, I'm mellow cause I just got laid! A feeling of, well, that's it for months. And maybe also, I waited 4 months for unimaginative, boring, half-hearted sex? I realize that I may require mind-blowing, fantasy-indulged sex to compensate for the terrible reality that comes immediately after (and sometimes during) sex with my wife. I even touched on that during our last "talk". I told her that even if our sex lives were normal, I wish we could spice things up a bit. I think that's why so many marriages, even ones that aren't sexless, become stale. I reminded her of my fantasies that she never attempts to fulfill or suggest, and asked why she never comes to me with fantasies of her own. She replied she has no fantasies, and that while she isn't necessarily against mine, she doesn't want to engage in them "every time" we have sex. EVERY TIME? We have sex 3 fucking times a year, so when am I supposed to ask about my fantasies?? It's not like I can think, oh, sure...let's just have a quickie this time, and we'll really go at it next time in....5 months from now. Anyway, I'm wondering if any of you feel that anti-afterglow following a rare sexual encounter.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 20, 2018 12:57:43 GMT -5
Your experiences resonate with me, and is reminiscent of that ‘Boxing Day’ sensation when you’re a child. The thrill of opening your surprises is over, and all the waiting is ahead of you.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 20, 2018 18:07:30 GMT -5
I certainly did. I think in any normal sexual relationship, the partners should talk about what they liked, what went wrong, and what they want to try to make the next experience better. My refuser HATED talking about sex. She just wanted to have me hold her and tell her how great she was. Mostly, she was mostly lousy, on a quarterly schedule, but I tried building her up.
It does sap your self esteem trying to build a spouse like that up, while, inside, thinking, "that?! That's it?"
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Post by nyctos on Dec 20, 2018 19:05:42 GMT -5
I did feel that the last couple of times my wife and I had sex. I got a feeling of instead of being closer after sex, of being further apart. And, of course, the feeling that it wasn't going to happen again for months (I was wrong about that though -- instead the arid spell has lasted 3 and a half years).
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Post by baza on Dec 20, 2018 20:51:08 GMT -5
There is little point in comparing ILIASM shitholes with "normal" marriages.
Indeed, from the perspective of an ILIASM deal, a "normal" marriage looks like some pie in the sky utopian root-fest of unimaginable carnal pleasures and adventurous sex.
And from the perspective of a "normal" marriage, an ILIASM deal looks like some chamber of horrors scenario.
If there is anything in this "post rooting depression" theory, I think that the "wtf ?! - I waited all this time for a rotten root" feeling would be quite understandable. Actually, in an ILIASM deal I'd imagine this feeling would be pretty common. Even normal. Or at least familiar.
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Post by carl on Dec 21, 2018 18:50:19 GMT -5
I think you get that post sex depression when it’s you being super randy which has led you to go to some length to eventually get your end away and then boom all of a sudden it’s all over, the drive has gone and you just think shit I could have done so much more with my time besides waiting for a fuck.
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Post by workingonit on Dec 24, 2018 18:36:51 GMT -5
Huh. Never had it before the complete death of my sexlife. But now it has been too long to even remember!
In some ways the crumbs of sex sound worse than the desert I exist in.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 25, 2018 6:42:09 GMT -5
Maybe some people are just wired differently, but I cannot imagine post-sex depression in a healthy relationship.
In a situation where one's spouse can't give us the experiences we need, I think feeling deflated is expected.
After a drunken one night stand, where things did not go entirely how we wanted, I think the sullen walk of shame is a pretty common thing.
I don't think it happens, though, with a good partner one can connect with, and talk with, and get better with.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 25, 2018 7:19:29 GMT -5
Never had it except with my refuser due to the emptiness of the rare sex with him. The
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 25, 2018 9:29:20 GMT -5
Regardless of the frequency or types of sex a couple is having, if both partners are sexually satisfied or merely content then I doubt that post-sex depression is an issue. Then again, the human mind is a complex organ, and other factors could influence this such as suffering from anxiety or depression, being bi-polar or a victim of prior sexual abuse. However, if either partner is routinely unsatisfied for long periods of time, then it is quite possible to experience post-sex depression, but I still think it would take more than simply being unsatisfied.
For me personally, earlier in the marriage when we averaged about once or twice a month, I was in a great mood the day of and the day after sex. Much later in the marriage, after many years of sexual neglect, this was no longer the case. Immediately after, and sometimes during, I was already wondering how long before the next time, much like an addict.
Just as most of our spouses lowered the bar after marriage, I also think at least some of us that lived in an ILIASM marriage raised the bar, perhaps significantly.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Dec 31, 2018 13:02:13 GMT -5
I always put it in line with the different steps of grief. You are happy during the sex then you know it is over for a while and you start denial and isolation. "Really she is going to cut me off again.. Then you go through anger - this is bs. Bargaining, hey baby what if we tried this or hey how about a date then..... Depression, I can't believe she is cutting me off agin this makes me sad, maybe it is me. Acceptance, fine as long as I sleep on the couch and she doesn't act like she cares I am fine. Then what happens?
You have sex and the stupid steps reset and you are miserable again... Cruel huh?
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Post by darktippedrose on Jan 1, 2019 13:10:52 GMT -5
Before I was completely cut off from sex at 29, (I'll be 35 in February), I had had a lot of post sex depression since around 24. My husband didn't like it when I told him what to do. He'd go straight for my clit and it hurt. By the time it felt good, he said I was giving him arthritis. He didn't like kissing because it was too "white" or whatever. And after 25, my husband refused to give me orgasm more and more often. Sex became painful.
Sometimes I would cry after sex. I yearned for sex for months, and then I wasn't allowed kissing and holding and cuddling. He'd rush through it. I hated it.
I'm not sure which is worse, the post depression or the constant yearning for something you can't have.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 2, 2019 6:07:43 GMT -5
Before I was completely cut off from sex at 29, (I'll be 35 in February), I had had a lot of post sex depression since around 24. My husband didn't like it when I told him what to do. He'd go straight for my clit and it hurt. By the time it felt good, he said I was giving him arthritis. He didn't like kissing because it was too "white" or whatever. And after 25, my husband refused to give me orgasm more and more often. Sex became painful. Sometimes I would cry after sex. I yearned for sex for months, and then I wasn't allowed kissing and holding and cuddling. He'd rush through it. I hated it. I'm not sure which is worse, the post depression or the constant yearning for something you can't have. You have every reason to hate that. You need to figure out how to escape from that piece of trash.
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Post by nyctos on Jan 2, 2019 7:21:46 GMT -5
Before I was completely cut off from sex at 29, (I'll be 35 in February), I had had a lot of post sex depression since around 24. My husband didn't like it when I told him what to do. He'd go straight for my clit and it hurt. By the time it felt good, he said I was giving him arthritis. He didn't like kissing because it was too "white" or whatever. And after 25, my husband refused to give me orgasm more and more often. Sex became painful. Sometimes I would cry after sex. I yearned for sex for months, and then I wasn't allowed kissing and holding and cuddling. He'd rush through it. I hated it. I'm not sure which is worse, the post depression or the constant yearning for something you can't have. That's awful, darktippedrose. Did the lack of kissing and affection make you feel more distant from him? I'm guessing it would. Admittedly I'm white myself, but I never thought there was a racial element to kissing.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jan 2, 2019 14:41:57 GMT -5
Before I was completely cut off from sex at 29, (I'll be 35 in February), I had had a lot of post sex depression since around 24. My husband didn't like it when I told him what to do. He'd go straight for my clit and it hurt. By the time it felt good, he said I was giving him arthritis. He didn't like kissing because it was too "white" or whatever. And after 25, my husband refused to give me orgasm more and more often. Sex became painful. Sometimes I would cry after sex. I yearned for sex for months, and then I wasn't allowed kissing and holding and cuddling. He'd rush through it. I hated it. I'm not sure which is worse, the post depression or the constant yearning for something you can't have. That's awful, darktippedrose . Did the lack of kissing and affection make you feel more distant from him? I'm guessing it would. Admittedly I'm white myself, but I never thought there was a racial element to kissing. I'm half white and half arab, and he claims that its something that only white women like. He doesn't like mixed kids like me. So .... yeah. Feeling distanced from my husband is a culmination of things. NO nonsexual intimacy. Him getting meaner to the kids. Him blatantly admitting, almost boasting about the other women he slept with, etc. I still have yearnings just not from him. I don't think I can love him or feel loved by him. I know he won't change but getting away from him can be quite tricky.
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