To-Do list

In my ILIASM deal there was no "to do list" in play.
Yet in my deal with the delectable Ms enna, there is - in the form of a whiteboard - and we both put reminders on it (mainly for ourselves) about appointments and suchlike.

But sometimes messages such as "I want a root" get put on the whiteboard (they get actioned pretty quickly) and sometimes I exercise my artistic side by drawing porno type stuff on it.
What with Xmas looming, the board is pretty full so there's no room for filthy drawings or other such levity at the moment.

Incidently, I have trouble holding any more than about 4 things in my head at any given time so I like the whiteboard.

Hmm. This doesn’t seem black and white to me.

If I put routine tasks like “mop floors” and “clean kitchen” on the list I wouldn’t expect that to go over well (as in, playing like her supervisor). However, “order water filter refill” shouldn’t be a big deal.

But yeah, we have access to each other’s personal calendars on Google, and I’ve tried adding fun euphemisms on her calendar for sexy time. They got deleted or ignored.

I’m reminded of this snip. The pointy-haired boss is much more diligent...

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I went through the white board problem. The entire family had chores on it except for one person. Guess who that was? The W who made up the board. More manipulative controlling.

Others in the family noticed this as well. When confronted about it, here came the denial, avoidance and reversal, through a litney of victim playing "I work all day" and other excusses.

The disrespect for the work that the other family members did was horrible. It was time to level the playing field. To knock someone off there pedestal.

Here's a suggestion. Put both your names on them. Tell her " I want you to do these with me. I want to spend quality time with you, I want your company, I want you to assist me, lets do these together, you can help me". ( Not a bad example for the rest of the family either).

Sadly I am expecting her to deny your request and avoid it. Another nail in the coffin. You are simply asking for fair treatment. If I can do it so can you. Who's going to do these things when you are not there ( divorce)? Maybe someone needs to put on her big girl panties and realize that you are setting boundaries?

Never mind what her friends think, what do you want? AND what do you have to say about it? Stop doing all the giving and start receiving (taking).

PS: Maybe... Maybe some of the things she does do, could be put on her list so others can see that she helps out too?

I've given this some further thought and the "to-do" list isn't the problem itself. The issue is that our life is JUST the to-do list. I recall reading once about how much time a "healthy couple" spends talking about various things; hopes and dreams, daily logistics, etc. We spend zero time talking about anything other than our college-age children and life logistics. Zero.

The issue is intimacy avoidance and now that it's gone on so long, that's just my life. She'll do anything to avoid any situation that feels remotely like intimacy. I understand my role on it, given the decades of wanting to address issues that would involve some level of intimacy just to discuss. She can't do it, it almost appears to be physically painful. So, I stopped.

But now my resentment is back and I thought I had ditched it for good. No expectation of sex = no resentment right? Wrong. I'm resentful that she's asking so much of me on so many levels and the one thing or things that would fill my soul (a hug, a touch on the shoulder, holding hands) are denied.

What you described sounds like her "love language" is receiving Acts of service. Your love language is  receiving "physical touch". The more and more acts of service she can pile on you the more she can avoid any physical touch.

That's why I suggested you ask her to work beside you, be next to you, hand you things, etc... Sadly she is avoiding any opportunity for you to have one on one time with her, and bring up intimacy. If she helped and was next to you ,get ready for non stop conversation about college children and life logics.  

It was the same way in my relationship ,time for dinners, eating out, friends over, camping trips, etc... all centered around doing for ,and discussing the children, or grandpa, the relationship was shoved on the back burner of a broken stove!

Been there. ( Also the more you do , the more it becomes your everyday regular chore. it's no longer seen as " an act of service", that would require her submitting and having to be vulnerable to your need, 'physical touch' she will avoid that.)

I appreciate the suggestion someone made about putting something like this on the whiteboard as an opener to dialogue or intimacy.  I wouldn't do it because it would fall flat in a number of ways with my wife but my wife's aversion to intimacy is much stronger than something cute and small breaking the ice a little.  Un-ironically, she does view intimacy or sex as a chore but would bristle badly at my bringing it up that way.  I'm not high on the "hug me, need me" scale but she's a zero which does leave a gap.

This whiteboard isn't our daily chore list, it's the bigger list of things to accomplish beyond daily chores.  I fear it's become a tool for avoiding intimacy.  I also fear the basic problem is that I still give a shit, which I thought I didn't.