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Post by lwoetin on Dec 19, 2018 1:33:54 GMT -5
I'm staying because my wife loves me and I am in love with her. We get into arguments about sex every other week but a month later we find some compromise. We are both refusers. She refuses to have sex and I refuse to stop asking for it. I have more patience than her so it will probably be her who will go crazy first. I asked our 17yr old daughter last night if she thinks her mom and I will get divorced. She said no because she said mom is passive aggressive. I guess that means we won't actively blow up our marriage?
W has so many excuses for not having sex and I'm used to it. But she is a wonderful wife otherwise. I still have hope that sex will return in the future. In the meantime, I hang around people who I think aren't having sex so I don't have to think about it too often, and I have other activities I can immerse myself into also. I think I can get by with a minimal amount of sex, but there has to be a genuine effort from her. As long as we are patient with each other, marriage will be fine. Last weekend she asked if I knew the reason why I didn't deserve any (intimate) time with her. I was already upset I got rejected and I didn't want to think about it. I answered it is because she came up with excuses not to do it (sex). She disliked that answer and things got worse. Hopefully we'll forgive each other in a few weeks. I love her to death. I think she does me too.
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Post by baza on Dec 19, 2018 6:44:37 GMT -5
Have just been reading your back threads Brother lwoetin . Back in June 2016 your missus apparently raised the issue of you two divorcing and at that time it seemed possible that that was the trajectory things were on. The point being that you are not the final arbiter of whether you stay married or not. The risk of her initiating such a move may well be low, but it can't be entirely discounted as a possibility....and that could throw a spanner in the works as far as how you'd like things to proceed. |
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 19, 2018 11:32:13 GMT -5
I'm staying because my wife loves me and I am in love with her. We get into arguments about sex every other week but a month later we find some compromise. We are both refusers. She refuses to have sex and I refuse to stop asking for it. I have more patience than her so it will probably be her who will go crazy first. I asked our 17yr old daughter last night if she thinks her mom and I will get divorced. She said no because she said mom is passive aggressive. I guess that means we won't actively blow up our marriage? W has so many excuses for not having sex and I'm used to it. But she is a wonderful wife otherwise. I still have hope that sex will return in the future. In the meantime, I hang around people who I think aren't having sex so I don't have to think about it too often, and I have other activities I can immerse myself into also. I think I can get by with a minimal amount of sex, but there has to be a genuine effort from her. As long as we are patient with each other, marriage will be fine. Last weekend she asked if I knew the reason why I didn't deserve any (intimate) time with her. I was already upset I got rejected and I didn't want to think about it. I answered it is because she came up with excuses not to do it (sex). She disliked that answer and things got worse. Hopefully we'll forgive each other in a few weeks. I love her to death. I think she does me too. Wait. You don’t *deserve* intimate attention from your wife?? I would be digging into that statement. Hard. It is evidence of a thinking pattern on your wife’s part that may lead to the crux of your problem... |
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 19, 2018 22:07:11 GMT -5
Have just been reading your back threads Brother lwoetin . Back in June 2016 your missus apparently raised the issue of you two divorcing and at that time it seemed possible that that was the trajectory things were on. The point being that you are not the final arbiter of whether you stay married or not. The risk of her initiating such a move may well be low, but it can't be entirely discounted as a possibility....and that could throw a spanner in the works as far as how you'd like things to proceed. "throw a spanner in the works" ...wrench... 
Brother baza, we are getting along better now. I don't see the D word happening while our son is in high school. He is a freshman so that's 3.5 more years of making our marriage work no matter what. It's an opportunity to be open about any issues we have with each other... and not worry too much about the other leaving. We will hurt each other, but it's part of learning and growing together. A preparation for the future when it is only her and me. We've got to be able to meet each other's needs. I see a glass that is 3/4 full (although it may only be 1/2). |
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Post by baza on Dec 19, 2018 22:18:49 GMT -5
As of right now, it does indeed read like the risk of your missus initiating a divorce is very low. Same for you Brother lwoetin . So things ought - on the balance of probability - keep going as they are. And, as you note, she is a wonderful wife in all ways bar one...so that would be a good result. In fact, measured against the usual run of marriages in here it would be a great result. |
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 19, 2018 23:12:09 GMT -5
Wait. You don’t *deserve* intimate attention from your wife?? I would be digging into that statement. Hard. It is evidence of a thinking pattern on your wife’s part that may lead to the crux of your problem... Her thinking pattern is too complex and mysterious for me to figure out. I think if we give each other adequate time to understand our needs... then we can help each other change and adapt. We are very compatible in many ways. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 20, 2018 5:41:51 GMT -5
lwoetin
I still have hope that sex will return in the future. Really?  What I predict is that you just quit trying (maybe years from now) and become emotionally disconnected from your W. she asked if I knew the reason why I didn't deserve any (intimate) time with her. That sounds like she is playing a game (passive aggressive) with you. She should have said what she needs to feel sexual with you. Life got better for me when I realized things won't get better sexually. Life is easier not hoping for a miracle.
It is good to hear things improve on the home front every now and then.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 21, 2018 0:36:29 GMT -5
lwoetin
I still have hope that sex will return in the future. Really? What I predict is that you just quit trying (maybe years from now) and become emotionally disconnected from your W. she asked if I knew the reason why I didn't deserve any (intimate) time with her. That sounds like she is playing a game (passive aggressive) with you. She should have said what she needs to feel sexual with you. Life got better for me when I realized things won't get better sexually. Life is easier not hoping for a miracle.
It is good to hear things improve on the home front every now and then.
Perhaps but then what's the point of staying if we are disconnected? I need to hope for something. Things have to get better, and it need not be spectacular. We both have to bend enough but not break. |
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Post by baza on Dec 21, 2018 1:24:12 GMT -5
"Things have to get better"
Ahh.....no they don't. (and for that matter, things don't have to get worse either)
What tends to happen in ILIASM situations is that things don't get better, nor do they get worse, but what changes is your attitude to the situation.
And that change in attitude takes quite a while.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 21, 2018 3:15:11 GMT -5
"Things have to get better" Ahh.....no they don't. (and for that matter, things don't have to get worse either) What tends to happen in ILIASM situations is that things don't get better, nor do they get worse, but what changes is your attitude to the situation. And that change in attitude takes quite a while. And I am very patient and hopeful for the sake of my marriage and my family. There are good things to be grateful for right now. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 21, 2018 12:40:21 GMT -5
Iwoetin, I hope it turns out like you posted immediately above. What Baza posted above your post is usually what happens. I know there are unicorn and rainbow stories, but they are rare. I know trying because of the family and all involved is also important but often that is not enough for people to change into something they can both live with and say "yes, this is how a marriage is supposed to be" and often "good enough" also doesn't happen.
I am not saying you shouldn't go down the path you seem to be heading because most of us have done the same thing you are proposing. No matter what happens I am certain the ILIASM forum folks will support you. After reading several relationship forums, this is the kindest and most practical forum I have read.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 21, 2018 14:14:59 GMT -5
Handy, I appreciate the support. I've been a part of Iliasm group for a while now, 6 or more years. Anyone expecting their spouse to transform into a sex goddess will be disappointed. But reconciliation is possible. Divorce announcements in the forum make up a small percentage of membership. Who knows what the other 90% is doing.
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What I predict is that you just quit trying (maybe years from now) and become emotionally disconnected from your W.