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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 10, 2018 19:44:30 GMT -5
So I've been off of here for months. I decided I was sick of trying to solve a sexless marriage that can't be solved. Exiting is not an option for financial reasons (no kids), so I just accepted the fact that I will forever have to get myself off and just live life. But then, as I suppose always happens, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I know I'm not, but I have to read the words and feel the emotions that I feel. I am angry, and want to know others are just as angry and frustrated and sad.
We've had sex 3 times this year, and recently my wife texted me that she was thinking that we could have sex over a weekend "if I wanted". I said sure, but then she apparently forgot about it, or she expected me to be the initiator, which I ALWAYS am. Not one word was said about it, no flirtations, no innuendos, nothing but the usual boring existence we share. So I think I am now beyond being just a victim of a sexless marriage. I think I have reached the point where I flat out don't want sex with her...ever again, if it means I'm accepting 3-4 times a year. I am done with the annual talk about how this hurts me and how my needs are not being met. To give in and have that rare sexual encounter is accepting my fate year after year, during which she makes promises that she has no intention of keeping.
During out last annual "talk", she finally admitted that she doesn't think about sex. Ever. And that she would be okay with sex just once a month (yeah right...I wish it was once a month). So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time.
So I wonder if anyone here has felt the same. Am I just being stubborn when I should just take the sex I'm offered? I don't think so. I don't think I can live with myself anymore if I go on pretending. I'm standing my ground, even if nobody cares but me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 20:41:08 GMT -5
After feeling like I had to just wait and wait and wait til my husband was interested in sex with me and then jump to him with exuberance when he did "feel like it", I finally turned him down a couple months back. I said no. I told him I didn't think he really wanted me and was only approaching me out of obligation since it had been a couple months. He was floored. A small discussion ensued and then he said fine and walked away. It was 2 more months before he approached me again. Another discussion and then I conceded. Things are still all screwed up here, but I did feel better declining him when I had never ever said no before. I felt empowered. I'm slowly finding my voice and learning to state my needs. It isnt all about him and what he wants and when he wants it. I have needs too. So I've been off of here for months. I decided I was sick of trying to solve a sexless marriage that can't be solved. Exiting is not an option for financial reasons (no kids), so I just accepted the fact that I will forever have to get myself off and just live life. But then, as I suppose always happens, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I know I'm not, but I have to read the words and feel the emotions that I feel. I am angry, and want to know others are just as angry and frustrated and sad. We've had sex 3 times this year, and recently my wife texted me that she was thinking that we could have sex over a weekend "if I wanted". I said sure, but then she apparently forgot about it, or she expected me to be the initiator, which I ALWAYS am. Not one word was said about it, no flirtations, no innuendos, nothing but the usual boring existence we share. So I think I am now beyond being just a victim of a sexless marriage. I think I have reached the point where I flat out don't want sex with her...ever again, if it means I'm accepting 3-4 times a year. I am done with the annual talk about how this hurts me and how my needs are not being met. To give in and have that rare sexual encounter is accepting my fate year after year, during which she makes promises that she has no intention of keeping. During out last annual "talk", she finally admitted that she doesn't think about sex. Ever. And that she would be okay with sex just once a month (yeah right...I wish it was once a month). So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time. So I wonder if anyone here has felt the same. Am I just being stubborn when I should just take the sex I'm offered? I don't think so. I don't think I can live with myself anymore if I go on pretending. I'm standing my ground, even if nobody cares but me.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 10, 2018 21:46:12 GMT -5
I went through my "refuse to initiate" phase. I was angry. Instead of stuffing it, I let my anger seethe. I think this is a normal step for those of us in the worst situations.
I had an affair, my first ever, and it was magical. After that I had a discussion with my wife about just not having any sex at all, because she did not seem to like it and that was not the kind of sex I wanted. She responded with an attempt at reset sex. About five seconds into it, it was clear she had no interest, and I went limp, told her that she'd had twenty-four years to have a sexual relationship with me, and it was over.
Oh yes. I understand your angst. My best advice is to let it motivate you to find a solution.
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Post by baza on Dec 10, 2018 23:01:51 GMT -5
Your run of stories since your opener in January 2017 have been pretty consistent Brother deadzone75 . And in this one (quoting you here) - "So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time" - appears to indicate you are taking a position of 'counter-refusal'. Whereas that is a perfectly legitimate position to take (and at least puts you in control of your sexlife) there are few - if any - examples in here where 'counter-refusal' did anything to bring an ILIASM deal to resolution in and of itself. It has been seen to be a stepping stone toward that though.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 11, 2018 0:41:41 GMT -5
Your run of stories since your opener in January 2017 have been pretty consistent Brother deadzone75 . And in this one (quoting you here) - "So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time" - appears to indicate you are taking a position of 'counter-refusal'. Whereas that is a perfectly legitimate position to take (and at least puts you in control of your sexlife) there are few - if any - examples in here where 'counter-refusal' did anything to bring an ILIASM deal to resolution in and of itself. It has been seen to be a stepping stone toward that though. I guess that's what I'm clinging to: taking some kind of control of my sex life. Maybe even feeling like I'm getting some revenge on her, although can you really get revenge on someone who doesn't want sex anyway? More like I'm doing her a favor.
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2018 1:34:45 GMT -5
FWIW Brother deadzone75 , that is the essential flaw in the 'counter-refusal position IF you are running it for 'revenge' or to 'teach her a lesson'. You are not withholding anything she values so it's a pretty meaningless ploy as far as that motivation goes. The counter-refusal position actually has very little to do with your missus, but everything to do with you....and your reclaiming of your sexual autonomy.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 6:49:56 GMT -5
FWIW Brother deadzone75 , that is the essential flaw in the 'counter-refusal position IF you are running it for 'revenge' or to 'teach her a lesson'. You are not withholding anything she values so it's a pretty meaningless ploy as far as that motivation goes. The counter-refusal position actually has very little to do with your missus, but everything to do with you....and your reclaiming of your sexual autonomy. Agree ... my declining my husband's proposition clearly meant little to him as he just said fine and walked away. I, however, felt a little empowered and a little less pathetic since I did not just fall to his feet again, grateful for whatever he felt like giving me that day.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 11, 2018 9:09:15 GMT -5
FWIW Brother deadzone75 , that is the essential flaw in the 'counter-refusal position IF you are running it for 'revenge' or to 'teach her a lesson'. You are not withholding anything she values so it's a pretty meaningless ploy as far as that motivation goes. The counter-refusal position actually has very little to do with your missus, but everything to do with you....and your reclaiming of your sexual autonomy. Agree ... my declining my husband's proposition clearly meant little to him as he just said fine and walked away. I, however, felt a little empowered and a little less pathetic since I did not just fall to his feet again, grateful for whatever he felt like giving me that day. You may also find that after refusing for many months (or years) that their sense of time becomes skewed. I was shocked that when I announced divorce my ex thought it had been "a couple months" instead of the years it had been. As a refuser, time does fly when you're having fun - or not being "harassed for sex" in this case.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 9:22:58 GMT -5
So funny ... my husband's response was similar. He thought it had only been a couple weeks when in fact it had been 4+ months. Wow ... smh Agree ... my declining my husband's proposition clearly meant little to him as he just said fine and walked away. I, however, felt a little empowered and a little less pathetic since I did not just fall to his feet again, grateful for whatever he felt like giving me that day. You may also find that after refusing for many months (or years) that their sense of time becomes skewed. I was shocked that when I announced divorce my ex thought it had been "a couple months" instead of the years it had been. As a refuser, time does fly when you're having fun - or not being "harassed for sex" in this case.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 11, 2018 9:39:01 GMT -5
Yup same here. I once asked ‘why am I celibate again’ to my H, who replied, ‘oh come on it’s only been a few days’ I was speechless as the truth was 11 weeks. I agree with shamwow time flies for refusers when all is well in their world.
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Post by h on Dec 11, 2018 9:59:15 GMT -5
Your run of stories since your opener in January 2017 have been pretty consistent Brother deadzone75 . And in this one (quoting you here) - "So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time" - appears to indicate you are taking a position of 'counter-refusal'. Whereas that is a perfectly legitimate position to take (and at least puts you in control of your sexlife) there are few - if any - examples in here where 'counter-refusal' did anything to bring an ILIASM deal to resolution in and of itself. It has been seen to be a stepping stone toward that though. I guess that's what I'm clinging to: taking some kind of control of my sex life. Maybe even feeling like I'm getting some revenge on her, although can you really get revenge on someone who doesn't want sex anyway? More like I'm doing her a favor. The refusing of sex won't mean much to a refuser. The loss of control they had over you will affect them more. Many refusers dangle sex as the carrot on a stick thinking that if they give just enough to shut you up, they get to keep you under their control. The sex isn't the issue, the control is. My W just initiated this weekend. It was nice and unexpected, since it had been over three months of nothing before that. I am done initiating now. I think she is more shaken by the fact that I am no longer asking. I don't touch her in any suggestive ways or make any comments that could be taken in a sexual manner. I don't look up if she walks by without clothes on. I take my clothes in the bathroom and get dressed there after a shower so she doesn't have the chance to even see me undressed. I coexist with her but that is all. There are no more romantic gestures, innuendos, intimate conversations, snuggling on the couch, or touching at all in bed (unless she wants sex). For my situation, my lack of interest is most powerful. I'm done jumping through hoops for an uncertain, miniscule chance at a mediocre prize.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 11, 2018 10:06:37 GMT -5
h I am sorry that this is your reality. Your tactics match my own some time ago, and have served me well since, in my efforts to disentangle myself emotionally in order to move on. My logic was that as I was almost celibate anyway there was dignity (and little to lose) in refusing and being wholly self reliant. Today I am a bit more flexible. Today if it suits me and he makes an effort I will partake to maintain a happy household while my clock ticks down.
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Post by h on Dec 11, 2018 10:15:36 GMT -5
h I am sorry that this is your reality. Your tactics match my own some time ago, and have served me well since, in my efforts to disentangle myself emotionally in order to move on. My logic was that as I was almost celibate anyway there was dignity (and little to lose) in refusing and being wholly self reliant. Today I am a bit more flexible. Today if it suits me and he makes an effort I will partake to maintain a happy household while my clock ticks down. That's where I'm at now also. I will participate if she wants to, but otherwise I take care of my own needs. Any further effort is now on her. My clock is also ticking down. I know nothing will ever change as long as I am in this marriage.
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Post by workingonit on Dec 11, 2018 11:18:39 GMT -5
deadzone75 you are totally not alone. My h asked me if I wanted to "do something sexual" a few months ago. My honest reaction was revulsion. After being rejected for so long, knowing he has been living just happily for YEARS without touching me, I will never be comfortable touching him again. I will always hold the knowledge of how much he does not desire me between us. We all make choices. I am still in it for the moment although we are openly talking about separating and he knows it is coming. Can you explain why your finances mean you have to stay trapped without love, passion and desire for the rest of your life? Seems an extreme choice.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 11, 2018 11:31:40 GMT -5
I guess that's what I'm clinging to: taking some kind of control of my sex life. Maybe even feeling like I'm getting some revenge on her, although can you really get revenge on someone who doesn't want sex anyway? More like I'm doing her a favor. The refusing of sex won't mean much to a refuser. The loss of control they had over you will affect them more. Many refusers dangle sex as the carrot on a stick thinking that if they give just enough to shut you up, they get to keep you under their control. The sex isn't the issue, the control is. My W just initiated this weekend. It was nice and unexpected, since it had been over three months of nothing before that. I am done initiating now. I think she is more shaken by the fact that I am no longer asking. I don't touch her in any suggestive ways or make any comments that could be taken in a sexual manner. I don't look up if she walks by without clothes on. I take my clothes in the bathroom and get dressed there after a shower so she doesn't have the chance to even see me undressed. I coexist with her but that is all. There are no more romantic gestures, innuendos, intimate conversations, snuggling on the couch, or touching at all in bed (unless she wants sex). For my situation, my lack of interest is most powerful. I'm done jumping through hoops for an uncertain, miniscule chance at a mediocre prize. Sadly, she likely believes she has finally "trained" you properly. In her mind, your new apparent indifference is likley the reward for all her efforts.
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