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Post by nyctos on Oct 5, 2019 15:08:54 GMT -5
what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you.... Taken away confidence, hope, and self-esteem, and made me feel isolated from "normal" people.
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Post by Handy on Oct 5, 2019 20:06:47 GMT -5
Nyctos Taken away confidence, hope, and self-esteem, and made me feel isolated from "normal" people.
This is my experience with what I bolded. Some of that comes back when you invest in yourself and give up on your refusing spouse hoping things will get better. It is a long process and I still have some insecurities. I read GreatCostals recent posts and can see his confidence and I believe 2 other women's confidence is back because they are in relationships that are great and enhance-improve some of the things you say are in the tank right now.
Northstarmom started out investing in herself while still in her SM and look where she is now. She is in a very good place according to what she posts. You might take some of what she did and start to improve your life soon. I don't think most people can go from down on themself to what Greatcostal has and attract a good partner. I think you have to be out-of-the-dumps first to do that.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 5, 2019 20:16:35 GMT -5
Question for today- in your opinion, what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you (emotionally/mentally)? Loss of confidence / boldness. I used to be bolder and more decisive, confident in my ability or my experienced intuition; willing to make mistakes for the sake of progress. Some of that changed as I strived for teamwork and sought her approval - partly due to a flawed idea of relationship dynamics, and partly to win her respect. I didn’t realize that by over-sharing my decision logic, I wasn’t showing off my strength, I was appearing weak; handing her veto power, losing a lot of my individuality, and submitting to her instead of being her capable equal. I also developed a stronger fear of failure. I became afraid to take calculated risks because failure would diminish her perception of me at a time when I was trying to “fix” my undesirability. As they say, it’s a mind fuck. Recognizing this, I’ve taken steps to reclaim my individuality. I share a lot less. I don’t open the door for opinions where she should have no right of refusal. I have small sources of money that I can spend autonomously. Now I go to my friends for opinions instead - if we disagree, nobody cares when I ignore their advice. She only gets to see the end result, not the sausage being made. And as I work on a side business, I’m making it my thing, not “our” thing. I don’t expose to her the plans, deals, finances, risks, design decisions, milestones, etc. As it begins to pick up steam, it’s become a bit of mental refuge to regain my old persona. (Of course, she still gets half if we split, but until then the details are hands-off.)
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Post by solodriver on Oct 5, 2019 20:34:13 GMT -5
There’s on old bluegrass song... “No I’m not livin’, I only exist.” - Ralph Stanley This is what SM has done for me. I realize I have been complicit. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout taking up livin’ again. Just a lil’ more shit to sort out first... EXACTLY!!
I just hope there is more time for livin' after I get through this shit sorting out.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 6, 2019 18:54:36 GMT -5
Question for today- in your opinion, what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you (emotionally/mentally)? Those who are out and in new relationships, what still causes you grief? It drove me to planning out by on suicide. I was within a few degrees of the river temp to ending my life. I let it completely destroy me. It's been and continues to be a long battle to put myself back together. Everyone here has helped me immensely. Thank you.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 7, 2019 9:55:33 GMT -5
There’s on old bluegrass song... “No I’m not livin’, I only exist.” - Ralph Stanley This is what SM has done for me. I realize I have been complicit. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout taking up livin’ again. Just a lil’ more shit to sort out first... This exactly! And just feeling like I have missed out on life in a huge way. Feeling like a failure. The usual tanking of my self esteem. The worst though is that the dreams I had for my children and family did not come to fruition.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 7, 2019 10:28:26 GMT -5
The worst thing my refuser did to me was hiding the fact that he was having an affair and was financially supporting a toddler he thought he’d fathered. He only told me these things after I decided to divorce him. If instead of going through the motions of marital counseling he had told me straight out he wanted out of the marriage, I gladly would have divorced him years earlier. Only reason I’d stayed with him so long was I thought his lack of interest in me and in sex was due to impotence or Alzheimer’s, something that runs in his family.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 7, 2019 11:55:12 GMT -5
Question for today- in your opinion, what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you (emotionally/mentally)? Those who are out and in new relationships, what still causes you grief? My SM has infected me with a terminal case of paranoia. Even if I get out and find someone else, I fear I will forever question the lifespan of the intimacy.
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Post by isthisit on Oct 7, 2019 14:15:59 GMT -5
Question for today- in your opinion, what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you (emotionally/mentally)? Those who are out and in new relationships, what still causes you grief? My SM has infected me with a terminal case of paranoia. Even if I get out and find someone else, I fear I will forever question the lifespan of the intimacy. Oh yes, I live this every time I so much as think about doing something to get myself out there. At times I think that I can’t be that unlucky twice. Most of the time I worry that I couldn’t survive it again. It seems easier not to try.
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Post by isthisit on Oct 7, 2019 14:19:59 GMT -5
Question for today- in your opinion, what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you (emotionally/mentally)? Those who are out and in new relationships, what still causes you grief? There are so many answers to this I have taken my time to sift through the options. In gold medal position has to be the damage done to my confidence in my judgement. Generally I am a considered person who makes sound and carefully thought through decisions which are wise and contemplate my long term best interests. Except for possibility the most important decision of my life where I allowed my feelings to take over completely and ended up trapped for years in an emotional vacuum of a marriage which made me lonely, isolated and taken for granted. Hard to know what to learn from really.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 14, 2019 22:03:23 GMT -5
This is a very difficult question to answer.
I so wanted to have a happy marriage. I'm an only child and that made my dream of having a happy marriage all the more important to me.
But for whatever reason, no one asked me until my husband (the refuser to I guess my counter refuser) when I was 35 and he was 47. I knew it didn't feel quite right, but there were commonalities and I feared not getting married so we got married.
And now I am 59, and sure enough, my initial suspicions that it wasn't right were correct, and it feels so late in the game to revise things.
Perhaps the SM has made me doubt my judgment? Or attractiveness to men? I don't know.
Not a great answer. Not a great situation.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 14, 2019 22:41:55 GMT -5
Question for today- in your opinion, what is the worst thing your sm has has done to you (emotionally/mentally)? Those who are out and in new relationships, what still causes you grief? I had to think about this one. Some many things I could mention. lol Ultimately, she won't let me love her. We often mention the sexual things but this time I am referring to other ways of expressing love. I used to get her a dozen roses for Valentines Day; she said to stop because it was a waste of money. I used to buy her thoughtful gifts for holidays; she said she just wanted a gift card (which I felt was impersonal). We used to go out to eat then all she wanted was for me to pick up take out. When I try to fix a dinner for the family so she doesn't have to, she comes home and tells me how I ruined her plan for something she was planning to cook. I've asked her a number of times for us to get away on a trip just the two of us, but she doesn't want to go without the kids because she feels bad leaving them behind. Her need to control everything keeps me at a distance and prevents me from expressing love. I don't think she even realizes it. I guess the thing I will remember the most is when I spent 6 months looking for the perfect gift for our 20th anniversary and she didn't get me anything. Three weeks later she said, oh yea, I still need to get you an anniversary gift. I told her no too bother and it was too late. That was the day the switch flipped for me and I closed off my heart.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 14, 2019 23:11:29 GMT -5
Worse thing my refuser did to me?Made me feel like a bad person for not wanting to live like that. What is sticking with me? Doubt. Always over thinking everything. Issues trusting my judgement. Trying to make sure this is normal progression of a relationship and not going down the rabbit hole again. I will say it did make me realize not to lose myself in some one else to keep doing the things I like and keep a savings.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2019 6:08:57 GMT -5
Lord, I have a collection of matching underwear sets. Alas, to no avail with my refuser. He was of the lights out set back in the day, and I don't look that bad.. 🙄 Pro tip, ladies-red underwear is ways on sale after Valentine's Day . Just saying. Ok- I might be putting myself out on a limb here but, oh well! How many of you guys actually prefer red underwater over pink, blue, yellow- whatever color? What’s so special about red? The 'thought 'of red on a woman meaning something ,goes back in time. An advertisement for prostitution. There is also the 'meaning' associated with different colors of roses. Why red is the prefered choice.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2019 6:10:55 GMT -5
Worst thing my refuser has done to me? Parental alienation. Didn't see that one comin'.
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