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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 29, 2018 9:36:52 GMT -5
I posted earlier this year about finalizing my divorce after 21 years of sexlessness and rejection. At the time, I thought that this would be a great turning point in my life - a new day dawning so to speak. This was true, but not in the way that I thought it would be, and I’m afraid not in any real positive way.
I have been alone most of the time since my divorce. No dates, no companionship, and no real human interaction. Extremely stressful and unrewarding job. I have my kids every other weekend, and this is some comfort to me, but our relationships are strained and I have to work constantly on trying to improve things between us. Even if something magical were to happen, I don’t think I have anything to offer anyone or anything to give. Hence, an intimate relationship just isn’t likely in the immediate future.
Probably the worst thing in all of this, is that recently I have developed an unexplained medical condition that has made it impossible to have sex even if it were a possibility. Doctors have no explanation and no effective treatment. Every option thus far has either failed or made things worse. At this point I don’t have hope that this will improve.
So I guess I am one of the few who ended up in a worse place post sexless marriage. At least when I was married I had occasional companionship, and I could have sex when the rare opportunity arose and she actually agreed. Oh well, I guess I have nothing positive to offer ... I do wish you all the best and that you all find what you are looking for.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 29, 2018 13:12:10 GMT -5
Oh man. I am so sorry for your situation.
If I can dare to put a positive spin on your situation it sounds like you have tons of time to pursue some personal interests. What are you interested in? There are probably people in your area that are into that! Check out MeetUp for fun groups you could join. Maybe go to a divorce support group.
I think it is natural to fall into a rut or a bit of depression post big life change. Don't settle for miserable. We make choices all day long, even when you think you are not making choices, you are. To borrow from our sister here: choose happy!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 29, 2018 14:00:20 GMT -5
Hi. Im sorry to hear about your predicament. I wish I had some magical beans to send your way but I dont. But I do want to send all my daily allotment of good vibes. I was just talking with a friend last night about how divorce was the hardest thing he had ever done. And it got worse before it got better. He said he spent years dabbling in drink, drugs and debauchery before he started to feel better. I certainly dont condone that activity and I certainly dont say that to bring you down. I say it so that you know the hardship is a reality that we all face when choosing this path. But in facing reality we must also put it into context. Perhaps the following might be relevant. "If we let the storms pass and choose to reflect, we come out better than ever. In the end, regardless of the fucked up acts of others, we have to reach within ourselves and grow. It’s our responsibility to ourselves and–just as critical–to those who love and surround us. You have gifts to share with the world. You are not alone. You are not flawed. You are human." It sounds to me like you have the gifts of time and experience and probably others that might not have occurred to you yet. That is something you can share with the world when you are ready. Perhaps you can volunteer with a cause that you care about. Are you able to start an exercise routine? Something simple like walking, stretching, yoga, bicycling. This does wonders for your health. You are not as alone as you might think. You have your kids. You have the wisdom and comraderie of this community. While its not the companionship you might be thinking of, its not a benefit to squander either. You can DM me anytime just to shoot the breeze if you want. Maybe there are childhood buddies, family, work colleagues as well. Seek out those relationships and feed them, nourish them. Work on new relationships. Something as simple as saying hello or commenting on the weather, local news when you are buying coffee or groceries. Pay attention to their body language. Do they smile? Make eye contact? You are human. We all are. Embrace it fully with all the ups and downs that entails. This is a long game we are playing. Keep your eyes on that. If you like to read, there is a book that is on my list that I hear is very good. Radical Acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a buddha www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990Wishing you well brother. And I hope to hear from you soon when you are up to it. |
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Post by baza on Nov 29, 2018 15:37:49 GMT -5
Second guessing yourself post ILIASM deal is nothing unusual in the immediate aftermath. But you've been out since February Brother novembercomingfire .... and that sort of time frame - 9 months - usually has one reaching some sort of equilibrium. FWIW, in reading your update, my immediate thought was - "I wonder if Brother novembercomingfire now has depression to deal with as well ?" Has that possibility come up at all when you have been consulting with your Doctor Brother NCF ? |
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Post by sadkat on Nov 29, 2018 16:02:50 GMT -5
novembercomingfire- I’m so sorry you are having a rough time post divorce. I hope you can find the support you need from this forum. TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo- I knew you still had a lot to contribute. Your comments are spot on and I couldn’t agree more!
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 29, 2018 16:24:16 GMT -5
novembercomingfire you mentioned" an extremely stressful and unrewarding job." That in itself is something to consider changing. Not an easy change but possibly just as vital and important to your mental and physical health as your divorce was. I am guessing you have been locked into this job, just like your SM? Depression and PTSD are all very common in such a situation. Perhaps another relationship is not what's needed for you right now? However a different career or job could offer you the hope you need to be your true self? That would give more hope to your relationship with the kids as well? ( No guarantee, but the odds could be in your favor). You may want to seek help in that area and give it a season? or two? or another year? I know, personally, I needed a season or two to overcome that huge burden of "knowing I am desired". That was never really filled, but I am still capable of moving forward and solving other personal issues. Now comes the next ' self improvement'. Self identity that a man gets from a career that is enjoyable for ME. There are stories of rainbows and unicorns in opposite land.. People who met someone and lived happily ever after the week after their divorce. Totally skipping the theories about healing times, mistakes,and redefining yourself. Especially when you realize you gave so much and there's hardly anything but a shell of the real you left. You may be damaged but not beyond repair. By receiving (changing to) a rewarding low stress job/career you could see healing in other parts of your life. There will always be a certain amount of risk involved. You will have to decide if a new job, career, or location would be worth it? However, it's the risk that pays off, compared to being placid and in a state of "what if?" Fortunately you have current employment and experience. That's a POSITIVE! when looking at new jobs. Congratulations on your first major step. Your new freedom. In time there will be more, and you can make it happen. Your family can help you, or you can recieve help from others. Life goes on, please continue to make healthy choices for YOU!
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 29, 2018 20:51:15 GMT -5
I’m sorry to hear about the current downturn you are in. But it is just that: a downturn. I fully believe things can and will get better. Until then, be gentle with yourself. I am sure you have plenty to offer but it’s hard to feel that when you’re down and lonely. I get it. I agree it sounds like you may be dealing with depression, and that is completely understandable, but don’t wait to get help.
When I’ve been in bad places mentally before my mantra has always been: “This too shall pass”.
And it always does. It will for you too.
((Hugs))
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 29, 2018 21:40:22 GMT -5
Thank you all. I suppose I can chalk up my post to a week that has been a little worse than even usual. The medical problems have really gotten me down and there doesn’t seem to be any hope on the horizon for that. I really appreciate all of you and likely I will be spending more time here in the near future.
I’ll try not to bring everyone down.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 29, 2018 21:43:28 GMT -5
Thank you all. I suppose I can chalk up my post to a week that has been a little worse than even usual. The medical problems have really gotten me down and there doesn’t seem to be any hope on the horizon for that. I really appreciate all of you and likely I will be spending more time here in the near future. I’ll try not to bring everyone down. It may be too personal, but what is the nature of the medical problem...more info may be helpful. But the request could also be an intrusion. If so, apologies in advance. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 29, 2018 22:19:09 GMT -5
Thank you all. I suppose I can chalk up my post to a week that has been a little worse than even usual. The medical problems have really gotten me down and there doesn’t seem to be any hope on the horizon for that. I really appreciate all of you and likely I will be spending more time here in the near future. I’ll try not to bring everyone down. It may be too personal, but what is the nature of the medical problem...more info may be helpful. But the request could also be an intrusion. If so, apologies in advance. Honestly, I don’t know what the underlying medical issue is, and various doctors also haven’t been able to figure it out, but let’s just say the net result is profound impotence. I have a variety of other emergent health issues arising in the past 12 months, but that is the icing on the cake. |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 29, 2018 23:07:05 GMT -5
Honestly, I don’t know what the underlying medical issue is, and various doctors also haven’t been able to figure it out, but let’s just say the net result is profound impotence. I have a variety of other emergent health issues arising in the past 12 months, but that is the icing on the cake. FWIW, at the extreme end of the spectrum, implants are a real option. It’s a solvable problem. A bit less severe option, self-injections can be a solution. A friend of mine (really!) has an issue with the valve that traps the blood flow to cause an erection - ED pills don’t work on that, but he found a doctor that prescribed a localized injection that corrects the condition long enough. Given the choice between the injections vs no sex, he didn’t think twice. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 29, 2018 23:16:09 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. Baza brought up a good point: the possibIlty of depression, something that most people experience during divorce and its aftermath. Depression also could be affecting your physIcal health and how you view your social and job optIons. Typically the best treatment for depression is therapy plus medication.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 29, 2018 23:16:53 GMT -5
Honestly, I don’t know what the underlying medical issue is, and various doctors also haven’t been able to figure it out, but let’s just say the net result is profound impotence. I have a variety of other emergent health issues arising in the past 12 months, but that is the icing on the cake. FWIW, at the extreme end of the spectrum, implants are a real option. It’s a solvable problem. A bit less severe option, self-injections can be a solution. A friend of mine (really!) has an issue with the valve that traps the blood flow to cause an erection - ED pills don’t work on that, but he found a doctor that prescribed a localized injection that corrects the condition long enough. Given the choice between the injections vs no sex, he didn’t think twice. Thank you. These seem like extreme solutions which may be where I ultimately end up. It hardly seems worth it given my station in life at present, but who knows. The issue is that this came on suddenly, is either not helped or made worse by medical interventions thus far and doesn’t appear to be fixable in the short term. It has been about the last straw as far as things go. My health was exceptional until I turned 49 a little more than a year ago. Since then, it has been one issue after another, usually with no medical insight or solution. I’m just sick of it all. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 29, 2018 23:18:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. Baza brought up a good point: the possibIlty of depression, something that most people experience during divorce and its aftermath. Depression also could be affecting your physIcal health and how you view your social and job optIons. Typically the best treatment for depression is therapy plus medication. Thank you. I am in therapy weekly and I am well medicated accordingly. Nothing miraculous, but it is better than nothing. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 30, 2018 0:14:55 GMT -5
I’m hoping you feel better. It does sound like a rough week. Don’t worry about bringing anybody down because are all with you and sending positive thoughts. As bad at it seems right now, be open to any opportunity in your days to find a little lightness or humor. Good luck.
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