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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 22, 2018 9:38:34 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 22, 2018 20:54:44 GMT -5
Happy Thanksgiving! My daughters are with my ex this holiday (one of them was gone all day performing at Disney) I'm actually thankful for a stress free day of NOTHING. I received some last minute invitations to have dinner with other singles. I took a raincheck and thanked them for inviting me. Being alone has its time and place in life, and in healing.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 23, 2018 6:35:31 GMT -5
Great advice.
Now she just needs to write an article about inviting a narc back into your life at the holidays. My mother is coming.... yikes. Christmas Day Dinner with all the kids, my mom, my ex and my new partner. I'm an idiot.
My ex is not a narc, but he's almost certainly on the autism spectrum. So he doesn't WANT to fuck things up. He doesn't get juice from that, but he's selfish, self-absorbed and not fully aware of what he should do socially in this situation. I am going to have to spell out how he behaves with my stepchildren in particular.
I'm doing Thanksgiving today because Thursday is a working day in the UK. But I'm really excited to do a nice (rolled back) Thanksgiving with a supportive partner.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2018 9:25:38 GMT -5
Great advice. Now she just needs to write an article about inviting a narc back into your life at the holidays. My mother is coming.... yikes. Christmas Day Dinner with all the kids, my mom, my ex and my new partner. I'm an idiot. My ex is not a narc, but he's almost certainly on the autism spectrum. So he doesn't WANT to fuck things up. He doesn't get juice from that, but he's selfish, self-absorbed and not fully aware of what he should do socially in this situation. I am going to have to spell out how he behaves with my stepchildren in particular. I'm doing Thanksgiving today because Thursday is a working day in the UK. But I'm really excited to do a nice (rolled back) Thanksgiving with a supportive partner. I did some digging for you, and found this article. I hope it can be helpful for you . shrink4men.com/2011/08/02/dating-after-divorcing-a-high-conflict-woman-are-you-ready-to-date-again/Try to go into this with a positive attitude. This is a good time to set up some new boundaries. (not fun, but the rewards will be well worth it in time!) Reinforce existing boundaries. Put your relationship with your man FIRST. Mother and ex will do their typical self absorbed, attention seeking, controlling, attitudes and actions. Do your best to ignore it. ( that also means pulling them aside and telling them "you do that again and you are leaving! End of discussion!") Ignore their attention seeking by showering your man with physical attention, and use your words to focus on the two of you. So everyone at the house can see it and here it. ( use the 5 love languages, whichever you and your man need) I remember my own "boundary setting". Telling my kids, in front of my STBX (at the time) " your mother is wrong about that. That's not the way I do things. This is how it's going to be. I don't/do allow that". Open for discussion with my children, but not my manipulative controlling ex. A time of taking ground, making changes, making improvements, little steps, for them, A MAJOR victory for me! Put the children second. Show that you give equal love and admiration to all of them. You are now a blended FAMILY. Reinforce that you are not some 'shadow figure' that you are now a family. Try to be easy on yourself. Enjoy the moments with your new man. Ask for his support. Do some role playing before the holiday. Act it out,and practice how THE TWO of you are going to handle this and support each other. (never let a crisis go to waste- you can do this!) Laugh about it and have some fun with it. In the end be thankful for stress and turmoil. Look back when it's over and compliment each other on your mistakes and victories! be thankful that you had each other to work it through together. iron sharpens iron! That's my advice, taken and implemented from all of my studies and experience. let us know how it goes. |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 23, 2018 13:39:54 GMT -5
So this was my 2nd Thanksgiving in Oppositeland, but I figured I'd chime in. The way our divorce decree was negotiated, my ex gets the kids every Thanksgiving day until 6PM and I have them until they go back to school Monday morning. She likes to shop on Black Friday and I like to take the kids on adventures, so it works. This year, though, my parents went up north. My sister? Well, a vegan Thanksgiving dinner just ain't my style. ballofconfusion is 1300 miles away (hopefully this is the last Thanksgiving that way), so I was flying solo. I decided to cook myself a full Thanksgiving dinner all by myself. Partly because over the past decade or so I've become a pretty good cook and wanted to prove it to myself and partly because I really love Thanksgiving food and could freeze and eat the leftovers for weeks. So, here's what was on the menu: 14 pound bird (oven roasting with cajun butter injection), stuffing, roasted brussel sprouts, smashed potatoes, gravy, and dinner rolls. The first challenge was defrosting the turkey. I attempted several methods:  The sink took too long, though, so I tried other methods...  My mom suggested a hair dryer, but I didn't have that, so I used a leaf blower and a crock pot  I realized that the heat of the crock pot was better than the room temperature air so tried to seal the crock pot.  But that didn't work either, so I just opted for the microwave (although not sure how to nuke it for)  Eventually, I got the bird in the oven  and started on the sides    Turkey done!  Time to carve!  As always, for the best outcome, use the right tool for the job...  And as it turns out, I was so damn hungry by the time I got done cooking, I dove into the food without taking another picture. After dinner, I bagged it up and froze it so I have Thanksgiving leftovers for quite a few meals. At 6PM, my kids got here and I offered to do desert (had home made fudge, chocolate pie, and ice cream). My 18 year old daughter wanted to Facetime her boyfriend who she had gone all of 12 hours without talking to. My 14 year old son had a similar desire for his video games. I got a "hi" and they retreated into their respective areas of the house, and I chatted with BOC. So I was home alone for Thanksgiving. I had a choice of sitting around or doing something I've never done (cook Thanksgiving dinner by myself). So I cooked and ate dinner with BOC and we had fun. Basically, I spent my Thanksgiving with family, albeit in an unorthodox way. And it was actually pretty damn good. Honestly, it was one of the better ones I've had in a very long time. Today, the kids and I go to cut down the Christmas tree and put up decorations (a bit early, but we want a good tree selection). Later, my son, my daughter, her boyfriend and I will go to the zoo where they have Christmas lights up. It always makes for good photos. I'm sure that the kids will retreat again to their things when we get home, but that's the nature of teenagers, not divorce. It's the natural way of things. Tomorrow night, we will all go to Austin and zip around on Lime scooters...or maybe it won't work out that way. I'm going with the flow. All in all? I have much to be thankful for. |
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Post by Handy on Nov 23, 2018 14:46:29 GMT -5
shamwow, great pictures and write-up.
I know most people want all of the turkey and trimmings but if it was a choice of being stressed (turkey dinner) or just enjoying my company, I just might go for pizza on the quick. The company is more important than the food.
I am happy you got to visit with BOC. Yes, kids do their own thing at that age. My kids are a lot older and it is more important to them to do the family time. You can look forward to when kids think family ia more important than video games and their teen age friends. It takes a while but it will happen-----some day.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 23, 2018 20:39:54 GMT -5
Thanksgiving yesterday was my first holiday after splitting with my ex. And it was just fine. He and I had a bit of a tense exchange the night before so I was a little worried about doing TGiving with him the very next day but all went well.
I brought our son to my mother-in-law’s just as I have done every past year and it was nice. It was the first time seeing more of the extended family (all on his side) since we split and every single one of them took the opportunity at some point to tell me how much they love me and they hope I’m doing well and that they were so glad I was there. It made me feel really good.
And things were not much different with the ex: we still didn’t really interact, he still didn’t pay much attention to anything but his phone, and I still had a great time with family. ::shrug::
This year I will still be hosting the big Christmas Eve party for both sides of the family as I’ve done every past year, but this time it will be in MY new home. (!)
Yesterday was almost like a dry-run and proved to me that Christmas will likely be just as much fun as it always is. I think yesterday also proved to others that things really are OK with us still being present in the same place and they don’t have to worry about tension.
And what yesterday proved to ME is what a pitiful state our relationship truly was in, when celebrating a holiday together while divorced was no different than it was while married.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 24, 2018 12:58:19 GMT -5
Thanksgiving yesterday was my first holiday after splitting with my ex. And it was just fine. He and I had a bit of a tense exchange the night before so I was a little worried about doing TGiving with him the very next day but all went well. I brought our son to my mother-in-law’s just as I have done every past year and it was nice. It was the first time seeing more of the extended family (all on his side) since we split and every single one of them took the opportunity at some point to tell me how much they love me and they hope I’m doing well and that they were so glad I was there. It made me feel really good. And things were not much different with the ex: we still didn’t really interact, he still didn’t pay much attention to anything but his phone, and I still had a great time with family. ::shrug:: This year I will still be hosting the big Christmas Eve party for both sides of the family as I’ve done every past year, but this time it will be in MY new home. (!) Yesterday was almost like a dry-run and proved to me that Christmas will likely be just as much fun as it always is. I think yesterday also proved to others that things really are OK with us still being present in the same place and they don’t have to worry about tension. And what yesterday proved to ME is what a pitiful state our relationship truly was in, when celebrating a holiday together while divorced was no different than it was while married. So you continue to do Thanksgiving (this one at least) with his family? |
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 24, 2018 19:36:24 GMT -5
My Thanksgiving was two thousand miles from my family, but digital communication spans that gap pretty well when opportunities to travel are limited. My kids together at my eldest's. No word on what the ex was doing. My initial plans were to get a duck. Turkeys are way too big for one guy. Then, I had an unexpected call. A friend up here heard I was alone for the holidays and invited me to spend it with her family, and I gladly took her up on the offer. After dinner, idgaf96 joined us and we went black Friday shopping. I could argue that, as a man, I pretty much hate shopping, but there is something magical about that girl that makes every minute with her a treasure. It was the best Thanksgiving/black Friday ever. |
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Post by workingonit on Nov 28, 2018 13:59:02 GMT -5
shamwow your adventures in defrosting brought me quite a bit of joy this morning! Thanks! I spent Thanksgiving at my sister's house with one of my kids. My h stayed home. To be fair though we have never done Thanksgiving in our community. And my h has never come to my family gatherings with me. This is something that has always been quite painful for me. I felt different this year because I am different. I feel closer to separating and closer to free. I am looking at life and events with those eyes.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 28, 2018 16:51:11 GMT -5
Thanksgiving yesterday was my first holiday after splitting with my ex. And it was just fine. He and I had a bit of a tense exchange the night before so I was a little worried about doing TGiving with him the very next day but all went well. I brought our son to my mother-in-law’s just as I have done every past year and it was nice. It was the first time seeing more of the extended family (all on his side) since we split and every single one of them took the opportunity at some point to tell me how much they love me and they hope I’m doing well and that they were so glad I was there. It made me feel really good. And things were not much different with the ex: we still didn’t really interact, he still didn’t pay much attention to anything but his phone, and I still had a great time with family. ::shrug:: This year I will still be hosting the big Christmas Eve party for both sides of the family as I’ve done every past year, but this time it will be in MY new home. (!) Yesterday was almost like a dry-run and proved to me that Christmas will likely be just as much fun as it always is. I think yesterday also proved to others that things really are OK with us still being present in the same place and they don’t have to worry about tension. And what yesterday proved to ME is what a pitiful state our relationship truly was in, when celebrating a holiday together while divorced was no different than it was while married. So you continue to do Thanksgiving (this one at least) with his family? Yes we continued the tradition this year. But I suspect it will be the last one. My sister and I have already talked about having it together next year, and that sounds good to me. If my in-laws want to see their grandchild then my ex can bring pick him up and bring him. |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 28, 2018 22:13:55 GMT -5
So you continue to do Thanksgiving (this one at least) with his family? Yes we continued the tradition this year. But I suspect it will be the last one. My sister and I have already talked about having it together next year, and that sounds good to me. If my in-laws want to see their grandchild then my ex can bring pick him up and bring him. Wow, I'm proud of you and admire your changes. I remember a post last year that you were worried about losing the connection with your in-laws. But it seems now you have accepted that the relationship will change because of the circumstances and have accepted that.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other my friend. You inspire me!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 28, 2018 22:22:00 GMT -5
shamwow when I saw your pictures I was rolling on the floor laughing. But hey, look how it turned out. Looked great! Your carving reminded me of Tim, The Tool Man" Taylor when he carved a turkey with a Binford 3000 carving knife on "Home Improvement"
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