Post by shamwow on Nov 7, 2018 20:47:49 GMT -5
Last weekend, ballofconfusion and I did a 5k Tough Mudder in Southern California. If you are not familiar with the Tough Mudder challenge, it is a series of obstacles spread out across several miles. Obviously, there are obstacles where you go through the mud, but there are also obstacles that are more challenging (i.e. freezing water, electroshock therapy, fire, etc...).
Previously, I had completed 3 of the full length competitions, and thought it would be fun to do another. When I first suggested it, the reception was lukewarm to say the least. You've got to understand a few things about my baby. She is not a mud racing kind of girl. As a matter of fact, she only owns 3 or so "actual" T-shirts (and I've bought her two of them). Every other shirt is dry-cleaned. She is also famously (and hilariously) uncoordinated. She does NOT run (bad knees). In short? This is NOT her kind of thing.
So when I mentioned doing one of these with her, she was...hesitant. She was also scared. I mean, if you go to the website, you see them doing some crazy shit. But she could tell that I'd really like to do it together, and she agreed. I also gave her an "out". Any obstacle she wanted to skip (even if it was ALL of them), she could just walk around without any pressure from me. I think that really helped seal the deal with her. Her ex is the kind of man who would push and pressure and arm twist until he got his way. She knows that isn't my style.
So on Sunday we found ourselves singing the national anthem after listening to the safety briefing. And then the starting gun went off and we began our little adventure.
Over the next couple hours, we not only got muddy, but we went through a number of challenges together. I found that it was a parallel to our relationship in many ways. Let me explain.
The Tough Mudder may have been designed by members of the special forces, but it is also designed to be completed by someone who is not an elite soldier or athlete. It is built for civilians. To have a great relationship, you don't need to have some "professional" sex moves or be some sort of couples expert. You don't need to grace the cover of fitness magazines. A great relationship can truly be enjoyed by anyone provided that is what both participants really want.
The first obstacle is designed to be pretty tame and non-threatening. You basically get on your belly and crawl through the mud (gets you dirty quick) under barbed wire. The barbed wire is set up high enough where I could make it through even wearing a small backpack. Similarly, the first obstacle in a relationship is taking that first step. It's a smile, a few words, a look held just a little bit longer than normal. It's not super risky, but you do need to be willing to get a bit "muddy".
If you pass that obstacle, you proceed to increasingly difficult obstacles. For example, you might have to slide on your ass into a muddy pit filled with water. You don't know how stable the footing is, but you have to take a chance. In a relationship, perhaps that is starting to lightly flirt. It is putting yourself out there just a bit without knowing exactly what is beneath those murky waters.
Some obstacles may be beyond you. For example, one of the obstacles is called Everest. It is basically a skateboard quarter pipe (a 12 foot ramp/wall) that you have to run, grab the top, and pull yourself up. At 6 foot 2 this obstacle isn't that hard for me. At 5 foot 4, it is a serious challenge for my baby. Honestly, I think with desire and practice, she could complete the obstacle. But in this case, the challenge wasn't about climbing over a muddy wall. It was about honoring the promise and boundary we had previously agreed upon. I had promised BOC that if she didn't want to try an obstacle, she didn't have to. I went over. She walked around it. No big deal, I completed my challenge and she felt safe. Not everything had to be done together. Boundaries.
Other obstacles can be physically completed but mentally are terrifying. There was a stack of "monster truck" tires that needed to be climbed over. Each of these tires literally came up to BOC's shoulders. She started the climb and when she got to the top realized she didn't know how to get down. I scampered up the pile and stood between her and the fall. I helped her with her feet and where to place them. After all, it wasn't my first time climbing monster truck tires. As we go to the last one, I told her to sit down on the tire and give me a big hug. She was still quite a bit higher than I was at the time. She looked scared as hell until she realized that all she had to do was trust me. She slid off the tire into my arms and I gently placed her feet on the ground. It was truly amazing seeing the look of panic and terror on her face transform in literally 2 seconds to trust and safety.
So far, it sounds as though it's helpless little BOC and big strong Shammy. And to some extent, being a big guy in this type of challenge is an advantage. But for some obstacles, it doesn't matter how big and strong you are. The only thing that matters is your mental toughness. The "Arctic Enema" is one of these articles. Basically, it is a large metal container maybe 20 feet long filled with freezing ice water (they are constantly adding fresh ice). There are two areas where the only way forward is to completely submerge yourself below this freezing water and push through. Many of the big strong guys freeze up (pun intended) at this point. I was astonished at how quickly my baby jumped into this and pushed herself through. She got through faster than I did as a matter of fact.
Some of the challenges had nothing to do with the obstacles themselves. One worry BOC had/has is that what I REALLY want is one of these fit, trim 20-something-year-old women in tight spandex shorts since I'm a pretty active guy myself. As a result, this event isn't easy since one of the things you're supposed to do is help each other. And on some of these obstacles, sometimes someone needs a little push to get up or over something. And often the only thing to push is their ass (this shit is not exactly graceful). Instinctively understanding BOC's fears, it was actually funny to try pushing some of these ladies (and men) over an obstacle with my outstretched...forearm. As I showed respect for BOC by struggling to do this, she set my mind at ease letting me know I can do what I need to do and she "gets it". We both relaxed and laughed about it. Both of our minds at were set at ease by tackling this particular "challenge" head-on.
See, we are not just a couple...we are a team. Each of these obstacles we faced on the course helped us, but was also a parallel to our relationship. Our relationship is not the typical "dinner, Netflix and chill" kind of thing. We live 1300 miles apart for one thing. We are balancing "us" as a couple and the kids we still have in the house (and slowly blending those families together). From the beginning, we knew it would be 3 years before she could uproot herself and come to me. I support her through her divorce. She soothes me when I wake in the night in terror (I still sometimes get PTSD-type nightmares from my marriage). We each support each other daily through an astonishing number of obstacles. But with each of these obstacles we overcome, we gain trust and true intimacy.
It takes risk. It takes time. It takes effort on both our parts.
But it's sure as hell worth getting muddy for.
And now, you sick monkeys...some dirty pics of my girlfriend and I.
"Tougher Together" indeed...
Previously, I had completed 3 of the full length competitions, and thought it would be fun to do another. When I first suggested it, the reception was lukewarm to say the least. You've got to understand a few things about my baby. She is not a mud racing kind of girl. As a matter of fact, she only owns 3 or so "actual" T-shirts (and I've bought her two of them). Every other shirt is dry-cleaned. She is also famously (and hilariously) uncoordinated. She does NOT run (bad knees). In short? This is NOT her kind of thing.
So when I mentioned doing one of these with her, she was...hesitant. She was also scared. I mean, if you go to the website, you see them doing some crazy shit. But she could tell that I'd really like to do it together, and she agreed. I also gave her an "out". Any obstacle she wanted to skip (even if it was ALL of them), she could just walk around without any pressure from me. I think that really helped seal the deal with her. Her ex is the kind of man who would push and pressure and arm twist until he got his way. She knows that isn't my style.
So on Sunday we found ourselves singing the national anthem after listening to the safety briefing. And then the starting gun went off and we began our little adventure.
Over the next couple hours, we not only got muddy, but we went through a number of challenges together. I found that it was a parallel to our relationship in many ways. Let me explain.
The Tough Mudder may have been designed by members of the special forces, but it is also designed to be completed by someone who is not an elite soldier or athlete. It is built for civilians. To have a great relationship, you don't need to have some "professional" sex moves or be some sort of couples expert. You don't need to grace the cover of fitness magazines. A great relationship can truly be enjoyed by anyone provided that is what both participants really want.
The first obstacle is designed to be pretty tame and non-threatening. You basically get on your belly and crawl through the mud (gets you dirty quick) under barbed wire. The barbed wire is set up high enough where I could make it through even wearing a small backpack. Similarly, the first obstacle in a relationship is taking that first step. It's a smile, a few words, a look held just a little bit longer than normal. It's not super risky, but you do need to be willing to get a bit "muddy".
If you pass that obstacle, you proceed to increasingly difficult obstacles. For example, you might have to slide on your ass into a muddy pit filled with water. You don't know how stable the footing is, but you have to take a chance. In a relationship, perhaps that is starting to lightly flirt. It is putting yourself out there just a bit without knowing exactly what is beneath those murky waters.
Some obstacles may be beyond you. For example, one of the obstacles is called Everest. It is basically a skateboard quarter pipe (a 12 foot ramp/wall) that you have to run, grab the top, and pull yourself up. At 6 foot 2 this obstacle isn't that hard for me. At 5 foot 4, it is a serious challenge for my baby. Honestly, I think with desire and practice, she could complete the obstacle. But in this case, the challenge wasn't about climbing over a muddy wall. It was about honoring the promise and boundary we had previously agreed upon. I had promised BOC that if she didn't want to try an obstacle, she didn't have to. I went over. She walked around it. No big deal, I completed my challenge and she felt safe. Not everything had to be done together. Boundaries.
Other obstacles can be physically completed but mentally are terrifying. There was a stack of "monster truck" tires that needed to be climbed over. Each of these tires literally came up to BOC's shoulders. She started the climb and when she got to the top realized she didn't know how to get down. I scampered up the pile and stood between her and the fall. I helped her with her feet and where to place them. After all, it wasn't my first time climbing monster truck tires. As we go to the last one, I told her to sit down on the tire and give me a big hug. She was still quite a bit higher than I was at the time. She looked scared as hell until she realized that all she had to do was trust me. She slid off the tire into my arms and I gently placed her feet on the ground. It was truly amazing seeing the look of panic and terror on her face transform in literally 2 seconds to trust and safety.
So far, it sounds as though it's helpless little BOC and big strong Shammy. And to some extent, being a big guy in this type of challenge is an advantage. But for some obstacles, it doesn't matter how big and strong you are. The only thing that matters is your mental toughness. The "Arctic Enema" is one of these articles. Basically, it is a large metal container maybe 20 feet long filled with freezing ice water (they are constantly adding fresh ice). There are two areas where the only way forward is to completely submerge yourself below this freezing water and push through. Many of the big strong guys freeze up (pun intended) at this point. I was astonished at how quickly my baby jumped into this and pushed herself through. She got through faster than I did as a matter of fact.
Some of the challenges had nothing to do with the obstacles themselves. One worry BOC had/has is that what I REALLY want is one of these fit, trim 20-something-year-old women in tight spandex shorts since I'm a pretty active guy myself. As a result, this event isn't easy since one of the things you're supposed to do is help each other. And on some of these obstacles, sometimes someone needs a little push to get up or over something. And often the only thing to push is their ass (this shit is not exactly graceful). Instinctively understanding BOC's fears, it was actually funny to try pushing some of these ladies (and men) over an obstacle with my outstretched...forearm. As I showed respect for BOC by struggling to do this, she set my mind at ease letting me know I can do what I need to do and she "gets it". We both relaxed and laughed about it. Both of our minds at were set at ease by tackling this particular "challenge" head-on.
See, we are not just a couple...we are a team. Each of these obstacles we faced on the course helped us, but was also a parallel to our relationship. Our relationship is not the typical "dinner, Netflix and chill" kind of thing. We live 1300 miles apart for one thing. We are balancing "us" as a couple and the kids we still have in the house (and slowly blending those families together). From the beginning, we knew it would be 3 years before she could uproot herself and come to me. I support her through her divorce. She soothes me when I wake in the night in terror (I still sometimes get PTSD-type nightmares from my marriage). We each support each other daily through an astonishing number of obstacles. But with each of these obstacles we overcome, we gain trust and true intimacy.
It takes risk. It takes time. It takes effort on both our parts.
But it's sure as hell worth getting muddy for.
And now, you sick monkeys...some dirty pics of my girlfriend and I.
"Tougher Together" indeed...
