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Post by shamwow on Nov 1, 2018 8:28:42 GMT -5
I'm curious. Has he asked you how YOU are doing?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 1, 2018 10:17:04 GMT -5
What’s the point of asking him? If he says he’s doing badly, helping him would keep him relying on you, thus making it more difficult for him to go through the divorce because divorce means he will need to find other supports beside you. Letting him find ways to cope without you is realistic and kind. Unless you plan to support him by not divorcing him, the only way you can support him is by being civil and ethical throughout the divorce proceedings.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 1, 2018 12:45:03 GMT -5
Just here to echo what has already been said..... no.... for your own well-being. He's not your job to "fix." It's not easy, but have peace knowing we all have our own journeys to walk in life and now it's time to just focus on yours. Make it wonderful!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 1, 2018 14:11:28 GMT -5
The kitchen is virtually unrecognizable with hundreds of empty soda cans and bottles and cereal boxes and milk jugs strewn and piled and toppling over through the kitchen and dining room table but also in there living room and unused paper towels in clumps throughout and piles and piles of golden retriever fur covering the floors and the dog looking skinny and anxious The sink wasn’t draining. I didn’t try because it smelled but it was half full of gross dark murky water Any thoughts..ideas? This is a true horror show. On a different note: Have you spoken to your attorney about this? Your attorney may want you to take pictures of it. Proof of his own condition. Proof of the defamation of your joint property. Proof of the lack of ability to be trusted with responsibility. Such as maintaining a home, and especially the care and maintenance of the dog. Sadly if his mental state turns to more and more of a lack of cooperation, such pictures will help your case. Hopefully none of this will be needed, but better to be prepared with evidence in your favor, just in case. I had to take similar pictures of our empty fridge, freezer, pantry, and food closet. All the empty mcdonalds food bags that my ex spent on herself and her father. Along with the total mess that my kids rooms were allowed to stay in. ( and the nasty pool) It never made it to court, but i was ready. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 22:40:46 GMT -5
((Hugs)) warmways . I can definitely imagine how hard this must be for you. I echo drycreek’s thoughts entirely. I think you are doing the right thing reaching out to his brother. And as far as your original question: “should I reach out to ask him how he’s doing?” You already have the answer to how he is doing. Reaching out to him in that way would just open the door to him using you as as emotional support and possibly manipulating you. I’m sure it’s gut-wrenching but listen to your therapist. Hang in there. Focus on your life and what you need to be doing to help yourself. Thanks choosinghappy. You’re exactly right. Today was already so much better. Small steps. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 22:48:15 GMT -5
I'm curious. Has he asked you how YOU are doing? Not really. The closest he came to showing concern was when he said he was glad (when I came to the house for my cat) because he said the cat would “comfort me”. And when I had to put him down (18 years old with a cancer diagnosis), he offered a lot of sympathy but didn’t actually come out and ask how I was doing. That’s a good question, thanks. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 22:57:39 GMT -5
What’s the point of asking him? If he says he’s doing badly, helping him would keep him relying on you, thus making it more difficult for him to go through the divorce because divorce means he will need to find other supports beside you. Letting him find ways to cope without you is realistic and kind. Unless you plan to support him by not divorcing him, the only way you can support him is by being civil and ethical throughout the divorce proceedings. It wasn’t that I thought it was a great idea. I was flooded with a mixture of sadness, fear for the craziness of the state of the house and genuine concern. That is why I reached out here and to all my friends and family because as bad as the marriage was I still love him. I know that sounds weird after the neglect and sexlessness and intimacy less I sustained But there it is. I wasn’t planning on helping him. I just felt so helpless because he digressed so rapidly and it shocked me to the core. I know he needs to find other supports. That is why I didn’t ask him how he was.…why I reached out here. The question I asked does sound naive; I get it. I know. Letting him find ways to cope is realistic and kind. I have and and am being civil and ethical. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 22:58:56 GMT -5
Just here to echo what has already been said..... no.... for your own well-being. He's not your job to "fix." It's not easy, but have peace knowing we all have our own journeys to walk in life and now it's time to just focus on yours. Make it wonderful!! Okay thanks. I know you’re right. Sometimes I wish I weren’t so damn sensitive. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 22:59:25 GMT -5
The kitchen is virtually unrecognizable with hundreds of empty soda cans and bottles and cereal boxes and milk jugs strewn and piled and toppling over through the kitchen and dining room table but also in there living room and unused paper towels in clumps throughout and piles and piles of golden retriever fur covering the floors and the dog looking skinny and anxious The sink wasn’t draining. I didn’t try because it smelled but it was half full of gross dark murky water Any thoughts..ideas? This is a true horror show. On a different note: Have you spoken to your attorney about this? Your attorney may want you to take pictures of it. Proof of his own condition. Proof of the defamation of your joint property. Proof of the lack of ability to be trusted with responsibility. Such as maintaining a home, and especially the care and maintenance of the dog. Sadly if his mental state turns to more and more of a lack of cooperation, such pictures will help your case. Hopefully none of this will be needed, but better to be prepared with evidence in your favor, just in case. I had to take similar pictures of our empty fridge, freezer, pantry, and food closet. All the empty mcdonalds food bags that my ex spent on herself and her father. Along with the total mess that my kids rooms were allowed to stay in. ( and the nasty pool) It never made it to court, but i was ready. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 2, 2018 1:11:58 GMT -5
((Hugs)) warmways . I can definitely imagine how hard this must be for you. I echo drycreek’s thoughts entirely. I think you are doing the right thing reaching out to his brother. And as far as your original question: “should I reach out to ask him how he’s doing?” You already have the answer to how he is doing. Reaching out to him in that way would just open the door to him using you as as emotional support and possibly manipulating you. I’m sure it’s gut-wrenching but listen to your therapist. Hang in there. Focus on your life and what you need to be doing to help yourself. Thanks choosinghappy. You’re exactly right. Today was already so much better. Small steps. I’m so glad! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 2, 2018 1:13:14 GMT -5
Hey, it’s nice to see your face!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 2, 2018 2:12:36 GMT -5
What a beautiful face and smile warmways  |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 2, 2018 6:45:19 GMT -5
What’s the point of asking him? If he says he’s doing badly, helping him would keep him relying on you, thus making it more difficult for him to go through the divorce because divorce means he will need to find other supports beside you. Letting him find ways to cope without you is realistic and kind. Unless you plan to support him by not divorcing him, the only way you can support him is by being civil and ethical throughout the divorce proceedings. It wasn’t that I thought it was a great idea. I was flooded with a mixture of sadness, fear for the craziness of the state of the house and genuine concern. That is why I reached out here and to all my friends and family because as bad as the marriage was I still love him. I know that sounds weird after the neglect and sexlessness and intimacy less I sustained But there it is. I wasn’t planning on helping him. I just felt so helpless because he digressed so rapidly and it shocked me to the core. I know he needs to find other supports. That is why I didn’t ask him how he was.…why I reached out here. The question I asked does sound naive; I get it. I know. Letting him find ways to cope is realistic and kind. I have and and am being civil and ethical. Not naive. Not "ethical". Not "civil" Compassionate. Compassion tempered with the caution of having been in an SM will serve you well in opposite land. |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 2, 2018 6:50:38 GMT -5
I'm curious. Has he asked you how YOU are doing? Not really. The closest he came to showing concern was when he said he was glad (when I came to the house for my cat) because he said the cat would “comfort me”. And when I had to put him down (18 years old with a cancer diagnosis), he offered a lot of sympathy but didn’t actually come out and ask how I was doing. That’s a good question, thanks. The reason why I ask is that I DID repeatedly ask my ex during the process (took about 6 months). She would usually respond with an annoyed "fine". The annoyed tone makes total sense in retrospect. I was leaving her and it fucking sucked for her. She was perfectly happy with her cushy, sexless, loveless life. Which is why she never cared how I was doing and why your husband seemed to care more about how a cat could comfort you than a fellow human being. Actions sometimes scream louder than words. |
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Is it OK
Nov 2, 2018 7:20:21 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Nov 2, 2018 7:20:21 GMT -5
Whoops... Double post
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