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Post by warmways on Oct 31, 2018 18:34:59 GMT -5
To ask how your refuser is doing after you file? Therapist told me no
You’ve decided to sever the relationship so you have no business whatsoever talking texting or having any contact with him
I was there to pick up some stuff and he’s totally and rapidly gone downhill. He wasn’t there but I told him I was coming
The kitchen is virtually unrecognizable with hundreds of empty soda cans and bottles and cereal boxes and milk jugs strewn and piled and toppling over through the kitchen and dining room table but also in there living room and unused paper towels in clumps throughout and piles and piles of golden retriever fur covering the floors and the dog looking skinny and anxious
The sink wasn’t draining. I didn’t try because it smelled but it was half full of gross dark murky water
It was totally shocking.. I feel for him and am trying to do the right thing.
Do I have to just pretend it didn’t happen. It just feels wrong.
Really sad
My mom was w me. I will probably ask her to reach out as they are close and send an email to his mom because if he were my son I’d want to know
Any thoughts..ideas? This is a true horror show.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 31, 2018 21:27:26 GMT -5
Oh wow. I am so sorry you are in this position.
I really don't know the answer. But my instinct tells me it cannot be you that pulls him out if it. He is hitting rock bottom as he tries to mourn this loss. You have to let him find new support systems and get over you. Calling the mom is a good idea.
Sending hugs. This sounds REALLY hard.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 31, 2018 21:32:11 GMT -5
It is shocking,It's natural to feel for him and want to to do the right thing ( especially your decades of serving) Pretend it just didn't happen? Not really. But don't feel responsible. Do not take the blame for it.
Think for a moment of all the positive things you have been doing for yourself lately? (without feeling guilty) Why have you been doing these things? To help you rebuild a damaged ,inner person all over again. Who should shoulder much of that blame? The rejector and the manipulator who took unfair advantage of your kind, generous, giving nature.
Who should take the responsibility of this rebuilding you are experiencing? You.
The same goes for your STBX. WE all have our own sets of problems and circumstances through life (responsibilities) to have to deal with.
How we handle them, and if we decide to handle them at all is a personal choice. If he is mentally capable he has/had the freedom to make these choices, or things may have to get even worse before he decides to change things.
Unless your STBX has reached a point where he is mentally and physically diagnosed as uncable of taking care of himself, and the dog,( something I would think your attorney would know the proper legal way to handle, in both of your best interests) you should keep your distance.
That time has come and gone repeatedly and needs to be put in the past.
Stay strong friend! Thank you Lord for your wonderful supportive family!
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 31, 2018 22:47:07 GMT -5
Should you ask him, warmways? Probably not. Should you care? Certainly. And you should engage someone close to him who can keep an eye on his welfare through the process. Someone he’ll listen to if they recommend him to get help. That person is not you. To him, you’re not an objective party; he’ll have different motivations interacting with you. For you, you’re trying to make a break, and getting sucked back in and weighed down with his drama will create a dependency that makes it hard to stay your course. You are not the only person that can help him, and now is the time for him to find an alternate. It’s a decent thing for you to help get an alternate person engaged if he won’t, but you can only carry it so far for him. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 31, 2018 23:07:40 GMT -5
Ouch. This sounds so hard to “let go” of in this case. But I do agree, on some level, with your therapist. If he is letting the rest of his life become a pit - that’s on him.
Some caveats, though: are you needing/intending that house will go on the market? If so, you have a vested interest in it not becoming infested with something or going downhill. Will a child need to be visiting him there? (Sorry I can’t recall - I don’t come around the board as much lately and I can’t remember) Again if so - you have a right and obligation to be aware of how he’s living. And - the dog. Is it the family dog? If yes, there is a humane obligation to know the dog is taken care of properly.
Beyond these scopes, though - messages to the moms are best route. Keep your self safe. He is not your problem or responsibility.
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Post by baza on Oct 31, 2018 23:56:52 GMT -5
My two kids still live in the old marital house my missus got in the divvy up. My former missus died in 2015 - she was not one of the greatest housekeepers of our time. The house used to look like a bomb hit it. Since her demise, and under the two kids watch, the house now looks like 2 bombs have hit it. Sometimes when I visit, I will have a crack at cleaning up a section, so I can sit down or have a clean cup to have a cup of tea (if there's any tea in the house !!) But.....and here's the point, these kids are adults, and there is no 'housekeeper' there any more, and if they want to live in squalor, that's a perfectly legitimate choice for them to make. They both work, they could afford to get a cleaner in, they could show a bit of self discipline. And "I" wish they would. And there are several other things I'd like them to do to consolidate on, and enhance their already handy financial position (courtesy of their Mothers estate) for their future. However (and this lesson has taken me a long time to learn) it is NOT *my* call to make. They are entitled to conduct themselves as they choose - and the fact that *I* don't think much of it is not especially relevant. I've given them my suggestions in the past. They may see the sense in them in days to come. Or they may not. Your ex spouse and how he chooses to live are really none of your business now Sister warmways . |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:18:14 GMT -5
Oh wow. I am so sorry you are in this position. I really don't know the answer. But my instinct tells me it cannot be you that pulls him out if it. He is hitting rock bottom as he tries to mourn this loss. You have to let him find new support systems and get over you. Calling the mom is a good idea. Sending hugs. This sounds REALLY hard. Thanks for understanding. I know you’re right. I think I’ll contact his brother who I’m close to since I believe he’s trying to hide this from mom but would feel more comfortable with his brother. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:19:21 GMT -5
It is shocking,It's natural to feel for him and want to to do the right thing ( especially your decades of serving) Pretend it just didn't happen? Not really. But don't feel responsible. Do not take the blame for it. Think for a moment of all the positive things you have been doing for yourself lately? (without feeling guilty) Why have you been doing these things? To help you rebuild a damaged ,inner person all over again. Who should shoulder much of that blame? The rejector and the manipulator who took unfair advantage of your kind, generous, giving nature. Who should take the responsibility of this rebuilding you are experiencing? You. The same goes for your STBX. WE all have our own sets of problems and circumstances through life (responsibilities) to have to deal with. How we handle them, and if we decide to handle them at all is a personal choice. If he is mentally capable he has/had the freedom to make these choices, or things may have to get even worse before he decides to change things. Unless your STBX has reached a point where he is mentally and physically diagnosed as uncable of taking care of himself, and the dog,( something I would think your attorney would know the proper legal way to handle, in both of your best interests) you should keep your distance. That time has come and gone repeatedly and needs to be put in the past. Stay strong friend! Thank you Lord for your wonderful supportive family! |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:21:53 GMT -5
It is shocking,It's natural to feel for him and want to to do the right thing ( especially your decades of serving) Pretend it just didn't happen? Not really. But don't feel responsible. Do not take the blame for it. Think for a moment of all the positive things you have been doing for yourself lately? (without feeling guilty) Why have you been doing these things? To help you rebuild a damaged ,inner person all over again. Who should shoulder much of that blame? The rejector and the manipulator who took unfair advantage of your kind, generous, giving nature. Who should take the responsibility of this rebuilding you are experiencing? You. The same goes for your STBX. WE all have our own sets of problems and circumstances through life (responsibilities) to have to deal with. How we handle them, and if we decide to handle them at all is a personal choice. If he is mentally capable he has/had the freedom to make these choices, or things may have to get even worse before he decides to change things. Unless your STBX has reached a point where he is mentally and physically diagnosed as uncable of taking care of himself, and the dog,( something I would think your attorney would know the proper legal way to handle, in both of your best interests) you should keep your distance. That time has come and gone repeatedly and needs to be put in the past. Stay strong friend! Thank you Lord for your wonderful supportive family! Your feedback helps a lot; thank you greatcoastal. It makes a lot of sense. 🙂 |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:23:22 GMT -5
Should you ask him, warmways ? Probably not. Should you care? Certainly. And you should engage someone close to him who can keep an eye on his welfare through the process. Someone he’ll listen to if they recommend him to get help. That person is not you. To him, you’re not an objective party; he’ll have different motivations interacting with you. For you, you’re trying to make a break, and getting sucked back in and weighed down with his drama will create a dependency that makes it hard to stay your course. You are not the only person that can help him, and now is the time for him to find an alternate. It’s a decent thing for you to help get an alternate person engaged if he won’t, but you can only carry it so far for him. Wise words as usual DryCreek. Thanks for your insight. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:32:52 GMT -5
Ouch. This sounds so hard to “let go” of in this case. But I do agree, on some level, with your therapist. If he is letting the rest of his life become a pit - that’s on him. Some caveats, though: are you needing/intending that house will go on the market? If so, you have a vested interest in it not becoming infested with something or going downhill. Will a child need to be visiting him there? (Sorry I can’t recall - I don’t come around the board as much lately and I can’t remember) Again if so - you have a right and obligation to be aware of how he’s living. And - the dog. Is it the family dog? If yes, there is a humane obligation to know the dog is taken care of properly. Beyond these scopes, though - messages to the moms are best route. Keep your self safe. He is not your problem or responsibility. Thanks for understanding. It is so so painful. But yes, my therapist is right as usual and I have to let go. I can’t sever a relationship and still be in contact. He will be staying in the house I think. I had considered that the house could be going downhill from his actions. I wanted to ask him today if he could get a house cleaner. No children in the picture so no worry there. The retriever is our family dog together. I’ll mention the dog to my h’s brother when I call him. Thanks for reading, GeekGoddess. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:34:53 GMT -5
My two kids still live in the old marital house my missus got in the divvy up. My former missus died in 2015 - she was not one of the greatest housekeepers of our time. The house used to look like a bomb hit it. Since her demise, and under the two kids watch, the house now looks like 2 bombs have hit it. Sometimes when I visit, I will have a crack at cleaning up a section, so I can sit down or have a clean cup to have a cup of tea (if there's any tea in the house !!) But.....and here's the point, these kids are adults, and there is no 'housekeeper' there any more, and if they want to live in squalor, that's a perfectly legitimate choice for them to make. They both work, they could afford to get a cleaner in, they could show a bit of self discipline. And "I" wish they would. And there are several other things I'd like them to do to consolidate on, and enhance their already handy financial position (courtesy of their Mothers estate) for their future. However (and this lesson has taken me a long time to learn) it is NOT *my* call to make. They are entitled to conduct themselves as they choose - and the fact that *I* don't think much of it is not especially relevant. I've given them my suggestions in the past. They may see the sense in them in days to come. Or they may not. Your ex spouse and how he chooses to live are really none of your business now Sister warmways . |
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Post by warmways on Nov 1, 2018 1:38:41 GMT -5
Yes. It’s true. I have to let go and deal with the painful feelings.
Thank you for sharing a similar story. I need to face the reality of the situation.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 1, 2018 4:22:29 GMT -5
((Hugs)) warmways . I can definitely imagine how hard this must be for you. I echo drycreek’s thoughts entirely. I think you are doing the right thing reaching out to his brother. And as far as your original question: “should I reach out to ask him how he’s doing?” You already have the answer to how he is doing. Reaching out to him in that way would just open the door to him using you as as emotional support and possibly manipulating you. I’m sure it’s gut-wrenching but listen to your therapist. Hang in there. Focus on your life and what you need to be doing to help yourself. |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 1, 2018 6:53:29 GMT -5
During the divorce process I would ask my ex how she was doing. In reality, the answer is "shitty", but she always answered "OK".
How the hell was she supposed to answer? "I'm doing shitty and it's your fault"? What would that accomplish? We were trying to get through the process as amicably as possible for the kids sake, and we did.
It's no longer your responsibility to ensure that your stbx is doing "ok". He probably is doing shitty. And your therapist is right. This is part of letting go.
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