The article appears to say pretty much the same things as is seen in this group, but worded a bit different.
You try to sort it out yourself....scented candling and suchlike You call in a professional if you can't sort it out all by yourself....marital counselling and suchlike If you still can't work it out you start sorting your own shit out....individual counselling and suchlike Plug into your support network See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how all the nuances of a divorce would shake out for you...."get informed" the article suggests Take some time, and make a fully informed choice whether you are staying or going - and own it.
But this "when" to make the call has only individual answers I think. For me, it was measured in decades. Member surfergirl was something in the order of months.
But I'll offer you this observation (based on my observations here and on the old EP group) - I haven't seen too many - if any - stories here where people left and I got the feeling that they "left too quickly" or "didn't try hard enough" or as this Sonja Jensen says "threw it away at the drop of a hat".
Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 28, 2018 8:32:05 GMT -5
I agree that it echoes things we say here. Communicate. If you can’t honestly communicate, because your partner won’t hear or they become defensive or torment you when you’re vulnerable- it sounds doomed. Get help. If you & partner are both working hard to help each other and it’s still not working, then professional intervention seems worth a shot. If your partner flat out refuses to go, does not see a problem, or attends but will not engage or will only be defensive and blaming - then it seems doomed. Find out about divorce - arm yourself with knowledge from a real lawyer. You may find out that your state has shitty alimony or child custody laws. You may decide that’s not worth it and you find a way to make roommate situation work out longer until child support or visitation isn’t an issue. Or you may find out the longer you stay the shittier the alimony and decide to bail sooner rather than later. You can’t make an informed move without this information. No matter which way you’re leaning, what your mind thinks or your heart wishes for - get informed with facts from experts. And it sort of ultimately comes down to: what can you live with? Like endthegame describing his recent experience - sometimes you just wake up one day and know that you can’t live like this anymore. The getting out is the only right move. And then you know. That was pretty much my experience too. I just knew. There would be no point in professionals other than divorce lawyers. There was no more hope that it could change or that I could live with it like it was. There was no more denial left that maybe normal marriages feel this miserable most of the time. I just knew. And I knew the action step would have to be mine. Good luck finding your clarity.
I switched my focus from my missus on to myself, renewed friendships I had let lapse, got involved in community things, went back to coaching aussie rules football.......all manner of things I found fulfilling and meaningful.
My marriage wasn't much of a deal, but my life generally was pretty good as I recall, but bear in mind that was quite a while ago.
I didn't find it that hard to keep 'marriage' and 'life' in separate boxes.....for some considerable time. But it proved to be unsustainable.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5