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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 27, 2018 22:41:43 GMT -5
Catchy title. It reflects where I am at. The blog post is not earth shattering with insight, but it does provide a set of reference criteria to assess against. If anyone has seen anything better, feel free to post. Otherwise, for those who have been down this road, would like to get your thoughts. Did you go through a similar process? Was it different than what the blog post suggests? www.growingself.com/when-to-call-it-quits-in-a-marriage/ |
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Post by baza on Oct 27, 2018 23:17:51 GMT -5
The article appears to say pretty much the same things as is seen in this group, but worded a bit different. You try to sort it out yourself....scented candling and suchlike You call in a professional if you can't sort it out all by yourself....marital counselling and suchlike If you still can't work it out you start sorting your own shit out....individual counselling and suchlike Plug into your support network See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how all the nuances of a divorce would shake out for you...."get informed" the article suggests Take some time, and make a fully informed choice whether you are staying or going - and own it. But this "when" to make the call has only individual answers I think. For me, it was measured in decades. Member surfergirl was something in the order of months. But I'll offer you this observation (based on my observations here and on the old EP group) - I haven't seen too many - if any - stories here where people left and I got the feeling that they "left too quickly" or "didn't try hard enough" or as this Sonja Jensen says "threw it away at the drop of a hat". |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 28, 2018 8:32:05 GMT -5
I agree that it echoes things we say here. Communicate. If you can’t honestly communicate, because your partner won’t hear or they become defensive or torment you when you’re vulnerable- it sounds doomed. Get help. If you & partner are both working hard to help each other and it’s still not working, then professional intervention seems worth a shot. If your partner flat out refuses to go, does not see a problem, or attends but will not engage or will only be defensive and blaming - then it seems doomed. Find out about divorce - arm yourself with knowledge from a real lawyer. You may find out that your state has shitty alimony or child custody laws. You may decide that’s not worth it and you find a way to make roommate situation work out longer until child support or visitation isn’t an issue. Or you may find out the longer you stay the shittier the alimony and decide to bail sooner rather than later. You can’t make an informed move without this information. No matter which way you’re leaning, what your mind thinks or your heart wishes for - get informed with facts from experts. And it sort of ultimately comes down to: what can you live with? Like endthegame describing his recent experience - sometimes you just wake up one day and know that you can’t live like this anymore. The getting out is the only right move. And then you know. That was pretty much my experience too. I just knew. There would be no point in professionals other than divorce lawyers. There was no more hope that it could change or that I could live with it like it was. There was no more denial left that maybe normal marriages feel this miserable most of the time. I just knew. And I knew the action step would have to be mine. Good luck finding your clarity. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 29, 2018 9:30:57 GMT -5
I have only been privy to some of your story Mr. Baza. Mostly about how you and you SO came to be. And its a doozy. But the part below I haven't heard and I am not sure you care to retell. Decades? But this "when" to make the call has only individual answers I think. For me, it was measured in decades. |
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2018 17:55:21 GMT -5
I have only been privy to some of your story Mr. Baza. Mostly about how you and you SO came to be. And its a doozy. But the part below I haven't heard and I am not sure you care to retell. Decades? But this "when" to make the call has only individual answers I think. For me, it was measured in decades. In hindsight, I knew that my deal was a dead duck (as far as being anything more than a "financial partnership) in about 1995. I got out in 2009. That's about 14 years from realisation to exit. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 22, 2018 18:35:08 GMT -5
Fuck me....how did you cope man?
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2018 20:52:05 GMT -5
Fuck me....how did you cope man? I switched my focus from my missus on to myself, renewed friendships I had let lapse, got involved in community things, went back to coaching aussie rules football.......all manner of things I found fulfilling and meaningful. My marriage wasn't much of a deal, but my life generally was pretty good as I recall, but bear in mind that was quite a while ago. I didn't find it that hard to keep 'marriage' and 'life' in separate boxes.....for some considerable time. But it proved to be unsustainable. |
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