|
Post by Dan on Nov 26, 2018 10:26:50 GMT -5
The 3 Things We Get Wrong About Sex, Love & Monogamy | Dan Savage This video is HANDS DOWN the best sex advice video I HAVE EVER SEEN. Bravo! It has actual ADVICE... and its advice is ACTUALLY GOOD. (Alas, not "what to do about an SM" specifically, but eminently useful in framing a discussion about sexuality in relationships.) I'm probably going to start a whole new thread on the long list of things that are RIGHT about this video. Thanks, Handy , for posting it.
|
|
|
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 26, 2018 11:00:20 GMT -5
I try not to bring this up too often because so far I've decided to stay with my wife, so far, and as such I don't feel I have a right to complain. But this woman is spot on. It's sad, it's been over four years since we last had sex and she's made it abundantly clear that there is nothing coming in the future. This is for a number of reasons but primarily it's because she hates her body and that's a tough thing to overcome.
I bought the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. I read it. I asked my wife to read it and she completely refused. All these books and videos are right but if one partner refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, there isn't a thing in the world that's going to change their mind.
I don't want to negotiate sex, I need my partner to want sex with me. If my partner is looking to fulfill an obligation, meet a quota, or here for any reason other than they want to enjoy sex with me then I'm not interested.
Getting off my soapbox now. Please be kind if you respond.
|
|
|
Post by jamesbonding on Nov 26, 2018 11:24:54 GMT -5
If my wife said "I hate my body," I would give her a big hug and say "Well I don't!"
That doesn't make sense to me as a reason for not having sex. Sounds to me like an excuse, not the real reason. Like maybe she has lost her desire for you, but doesn't want to say that.
Why are you choosing to stay?
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 26, 2018 12:30:53 GMT -5
Lifeinwoodinville I bought the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. I read it. I asked my wife to read it and she completely refused. All these books and videos are right but if one partner refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, there isn't a thing in the world that's going to change their mind.
Same thing for me and my W only I showed it to my W.
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 26, 2018 13:26:30 GMT -5
Lifeinwoodinville I bought the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. I read it. I asked my wife to read it and she completely refused. All these books and videos are right but if one partner refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, there isn't a thing in the world that's going to change their mind.Same thing for me and my W only I showed it to my W. I bought that one too with a similar result. You can't make someone do anything if they don't want to. I also bought the "For Women Only" and "For Men Only" books by Shaunti Feldhan. (W refused to read those too.) Those were actually better in my opinion and should be required reading for any engaged couple. They are primarily written from a Christian perspective, but there is advice in them applicable to others or non-religious people as well. They are based on an actual research study and give gender based generalized explanations based on how men/women from a wide variety of backgrounds answered anonymous survey questions. It covers a wide range of topics besides just sex and could work well as a conversation starter or communication enhancer because it admits that most, but not EVERY survey respondent answered the same way.
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Nov 26, 2018 15:45:42 GMT -5
I try not to bring this up too often because so far I've decided to stay with my wife, so far, and as such I don't feel I have a right to complain. But this woman is spot on. It's sad, it's been over four years since we last had sex and she's made it abundantly clear that there is nothing coming in the future. This is for a number of reasons but primarily it's because she hates her body and that's a tough thing to overcome. I bought the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. I read it. I asked my wife to read it and she completely refused. All these books and videos are right but if one partner refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, there isn't a thing in the world that's going to change their mind. I don't want to negotiate sex, I need my partner to want sex with me. If my partner is looking to fulfill an obligation, meet a quota, or here for any reason other than they want to enjoy sex with me then I'm not interested. Getting off my soapbox now. Please be kind if you respond. I feel the same way.... sadly. After so many years of sexlessness it seems perverse to lack enthusiasm for intimacy with my H. However duty sex holds no interest for me at all- I’d rather be wholly celibate than nearly so. Occasionally my H does make an approach and I feel ‘meh’ at best- as it lacks passion, energy and spontaneity. (Like the sexual equivalent of synchronised swimming I can predict every move with split second accuracy it’s that predictable-yawn) Despite this I usually comply for a quiet life- but as I mentally get to the end of my tether this is getting harder and I find myself engaging with avoidance tactics- who’d have thought it. Given our sex life when we married I just wouldn’t have thought it possible. You live and learn I guess. It doesn’t seem so much to ask to be offered an enthusiastic and decent seeing to from time to time.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 26, 2018 16:56:40 GMT -5
Isthisit Like the sexual equivalent of synchronised swimming I can predict every move with split second accuracy it’s that predictable-yawn)
Your predictability comment saddens me. Maybe I am not creative enough but I want to say some guys try something different and some women put a guy down for trying something the woman thinks will not work for her, so some guys do what worked in the past.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 26, 2018 20:13:55 GMT -5
Ms enna has an interest in history (among many other things) and in particular at the moment the societal impacts of the eruption of Mt Vesuvius back in about 79AD. She recently read this particular book about the subject and highly recommended I have a read of it. Which I did - well, about the first 3 chapters anyway. To be frank, I found the writing style rather stilted, and in truth the book (well the chapters I read at least) failed to engage me.
Now I am not saying that it was a rotten book ... for all I know it might be a brilliant book in the opinion of the literati. But it failed to engage me, or inspire me to research more about this great event of 79AD. I am not terribly interested in this particular part of history and I don't feel any great compunction to learn any more about it than I already know. And I don't think that makes me a bad person. Any more than it would make a non-sexual person a bad person if they weren't interested in reading books about relationship sex.
It is not a crime to not be greatly interested in sex (or the history of 79AD).
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Nov 26, 2018 20:53:58 GMT -5
Ms enna has an interest in history (among many other things) and in particular at the moment the societal impacts of the eruption of Mt Vesuvius back in about 79AD. She recently read this particular book about the subject and highly recommended I have a read of it. Which I did - well, about the first 3 chapters anyway. To be frank, I found the writing style rather stilted, and in truth the book (well the chapters I read at least) failed to engage me. Now I am not saying that it was a rotten book ... for all I know it might be a brilliant book in the opinion of the literati. But it failed to engage me, or inspire me to research more about this great event of 79AD. I am not terribly interested in this particular part of history and I don't feel any great compunction to learn any more about it than I already know. And I don't think that makes me a bad person. Any more than it would make a non-sexual person a bad person if they weren't interested in reading books about relationship sex. It is not a crime to not be greatly interested in sex (or the history of 79AD). No, not a crime baza but your disinterest in that particular topic has much less impact on your marriage and relationship than would one partner’s disinterest in sex and intimacy. One is a building block of a relationship and one is a mere interest. I believe Ms Enna would have a case for being quite unhappy with your disinterest in the subject if your marriage was based around your mutual love of history and willingness to share it only with the other for as long as you both shall live.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 26, 2018 21:46:49 GMT -5
Yes indeed. If Ms enna's "must have list" included a passion for the history of 79AD our deal would never have gotten off the ground.
Just as if one of our respective "must have lists" excluded sex. That would also have been a show stopper.
The wider point being that had Ms enna been sexually disinterested in me, that would not have made her a bad person...(though it would have made her entirely unsuitable person for me to have an adult relationship with)
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Nov 26, 2018 23:06:29 GMT -5
Isthisit Like the sexual equivalent of synchronised swimming I can predict every move with split second accuracy it’s that predictable-yawn)Your predictability comment saddens me. Maybe I am not creative enough but I want to say some guys try something different and some women put a guy down for trying something the woman thinks will not work for her, so some guys do what worked in the past. I take your point Handy however, in our case the predictability speaks of a wider ‘going through the motions’ apathy in relation to intimacy rather than a fear of failure. Twenty-two years into a relationship folks know what does and does not push their lover’s buttons- he’s not afraid of disappointing me- he’s just not interested at all and trying to tick the box to avoid the ‘why are we celibate again?’ talk. Well guess what? It’s not coming anymore (like me 🙁).
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 26, 2018 23:35:05 GMT -5
isthisit, I understand not getting excited about having sex, just to tick the box on an imaginary chore list.
I was reading a forum about women's dating experiences and the woman "not feeling the chemistry" so the guy got ignored, she became too busy with other things regarding early relationship dates and a few more posts about longer term relationships where the sex was bla. I have also read some women's post the husband imagination is lacking, then I read a few women say "My H knows I don't like to do XYZ, which sounded tame to me. Sometimes this sex stuff is difficult to figure out and get it right.
I tried a few "new things" with my W and she liked them a couple of times. A few times she said she would do something different if I insisted but that it wouldn't do anything for her. To which I figured doing it would mess things up for her so I didn't go there.
This was mostly pre internet days and me reading relationship forums. Looking back I should not have been so concerned I might impact her/our sexuality if I tried something new, which was always relatively tame. I should have done more and different things but I thought doing so would be emotionally troubling to my W and I tried to avoid being one of those selfish guys mostly doing what pleased him and in effect making her pay the price.
I grew up really strait laced and never wanted to do things someone else would use to reject me. At the same time I tried to not allow people to take advantage of me and if they tried, it was time for me to leave.
Back to my W and sexuality, I took clues as to what she liked, but what she liked made her sleepy, so I felt I was bring 99% of the hear to the encounter. Me I can get breathing really vigorously and make some noises that are almost uncontrollable. When the kids were little I had to moan loudly into a pillow. I hope that is not being equivalent to ticking off a box sex.
|
|