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Post by frednsa on Oct 2, 2018 16:29:33 GMT -5
one would think that after a half century i'd be inured to this unwanted feeling......................NOT ! I'm not going to hurt anyone or myself but i am so depressed, sad, heartached, angry, hurt.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,name others, i'm there too.
would sign on for an affair (i'm fit, reasonably good looking, sooooo ready (and, yes, needy which may be a turn-off for potential playmates), did i mention old.........gray hair on top and a fire below..................
don't know where to turn to relieve my pain.
this week she pretty much announced that our "sex life" (euphemism for "go ahead of you want to") is over and that never warning me ahead of our marriage that she was asexual was not her fault. (must have been mine)
i guess i've read enough suggestions about such troubles that an new, innovative answer will likely not be offered, but if you haven't guessed, i'm extremely patient so.....
all the best to others suffering similarly.....
fred
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Post by Caris on Oct 2, 2018 20:57:52 GMT -5
I remember this pain very well. It lasted 25-years for me, and I don’t believe you ever get used to it. It sometimes diminished to a tolerable level, but it would slowly start to build up again until it was like a volcano in my chest, shoulders, and neck. I often thought it would kill me, and I’d have a heart attack with the tension of it.
You have my empathy, and apart from leaving the marriage, it’s just about finding whatever relieves the pain and stress, and sometimes there is no relief, and you just hope it doesn’t kill you. It is soul destroying. Your soul is letting you know that this situation is intolerable and causing great harm to your wellbeing. I hope you find some comfort and relief because I’d never want to experience that suffering again. I feel for you.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 2, 2018 23:16:53 GMT -5
I’m glad you shared. Sometimes just knowing we aren’t alone helps ease the severity of it all, evening only a little bit.
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carries
New Member
Posts: 3 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by carries on Oct 3, 2018 7:30:54 GMT -5
Similar situation here. Feels like I am wasting my time and any good years I have left.
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Post by Dan on Oct 3, 2018 9:15:31 GMT -5
Similar situation here. Feels like I am wasting my time and any good years I have left. My first advice: You have SO MANY good years ahead of you! (What I would give to set the clock back 10 years to my early 40s...) My main advice: Stay fit (physically, emotionally, and financially) or work on getting fitter. Make the commitment to own your decisions. Maybe your decision will be "look in to the mechanics of divorce". Maybe you feel you need to go to individual therapy. Maybe enduring sexlessness a few more years so you can raise your kids with their father is worth it to you. I can't tell you what your path should be. But -- for your own mental health -- you need to get to a state where you feel you OWN the path you are on. It might not be perfect... but assess the trade-offs (with the help of this forum; other friends; and professionals) and decide what you are doing NEXT (this year)... and have a loose plan for what direction you are heading. This is the only way to cope. This is the only way to grow. This is the only way to move forward and build your happiness. |
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carries
New Member
Posts: 3
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by carries on Oct 3, 2018 10:42:46 GMT -5
Similar situation here. Feels like I am wasting my time and any good years I have left. My first advice: You have SO MANY good years ahead of you! (What I would give to set the clock back 10 years to my early 40s...) My main advice: Stay fit (physically, emotionally, and financially) or work on getting fitter. Make the commitment to own your decisions. Maybe your decision will be "look in to the mechanics of divorce". Maybe you feel you need to go to individual therapy. Maybe enduring sexlessness a few more years so you can raise your kids with their father is worth it to you. I can't tell you what your path should be. But -- for your own mental health -- you need to get to a state where you feel you OWN the path you are on. It might not be perfect... but assess the trade-offs (with the help of this forum; other friends; and professionals) and decide what you are doing NEXT (this year)... and have a loose plan for what direction you are heading. This is the only way to cope. This is the only way to grow. This is the only way to move forward and build your happiness. Dan--This is really great advice. I have been working on my appearance quite a bit lately, but need to focus on the rest as well. Honestly, I feel like I need to stay married until my son is in college...which is a long way away. Not sure I will make it that long  |
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Post by Dan on Oct 3, 2018 10:55:55 GMT -5
Dan--This is really great advice. I have been working on my appearance quite a bit lately, but need to focus on the rest as well. Honestly, I feel like I need to stay married until my son is in college...which is a long way away. Not sure I will make it that long My advice is this: rotate your verbiage. You do not " have to stay married until your son is in college." However, you might " choose to stay married until your son is in college." Or: after reading stories here, individual therapy, and a visit to an attorney, you might choose divorce sooner rather than later. Or: you might start on the "college plan" but two years from now say: "fuck this! I need to wrap this up now!" Own your choice! (And change it when change is warranted.) |
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Post by baza on Oct 3, 2018 22:04:13 GMT -5
Like Brother Dan says, that subtle little change in your own internal dialogue can be very powerful. The recognition that you are choosing - and are not actually a victim - is a potential game changer. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2018 9:02:51 GMT -5
Dan--This is really great advice. I have been working on my appearance quite a bit lately, but need to focus on the rest as well. Honestly, I feel like I need to stay married until my son is in college...which is a long way away. Not sure I will make it that long My advice is this: rotate your verbiage. You do not " have to stay married until your son is in college." However, you might " choose to stay married until your son is in college." Or: after reading stories here, individual therapy, and a visit to an attorney, you might choose divorce sooner rather than later. Or: you might start on the "college plan" but two years from now say: "fuck this! I need to wrap this up now!" Own your choice! (And change it when change is warranted.) On the "fuck this, I want out now" observation. I've noticed this on the forum (and in my "real world" life) that lots of people really over estimate their breaking point. In this instance, the noble aspiration of "I will stay until the kids are in college" also contains in it the seeds of "once the kids are in college I'm getting the fuck out". Once you have flipped that mental switch, it becomes extremely hard to stick to that plan,especially if the plan spans years. And it tends to get moved up in time based upon something that pisses you off... Never a good time to be altering life changing plans. In my case, I was on a six year plan until my youngest was gone. I was "choosing to stay" for that period of time. I had actually done quite a bit of planning around this. By myself, mind you. My STBX wasn't to be informed until the end. But a funny thing happened along the way. The situation became intolerable. Years of celibacy and lies tend to do that. And that plan moved from 6 years to 3 years. Then it went to 18 months. In the end? It turned out to be a little over a year from when I said "I'm done but choosing to stay" to the divorce being finalized. I guess my point is that if you are on the "college plan" don't be surprised if you snap well before then (most people do, actually). Knowing that, it is better to plan for that than be caught with your pants down and unprepared. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2018 12:17:50 GMT -5
What shamwell saId is true. What else can happen is you hang in until your planned exit date but by then you are so beaten down that you decide to remain with the known misery instead of risking life as a single.
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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Oct 4, 2018 12:35:16 GMT -5
I hear you.
I have been known to watch couples in common places, like grocery stores or the mall, and just start crying. I want to be loved, emotionally and physically, so badly...it feels like a scream that just can't be heard. I see what they have and my own want for that is crippling.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 4, 2018 14:38:27 GMT -5
shamwow this is well said. I am now in the midst of this part of my story. I was on the college plan, 4 more years. I was choosing to stay even though I became clear that I am done. Even if my h has a miracle turn around I don't think I can really get past the years of neglect and hurt. I don't even want to anymore. Now I KNOW I won't make it 4 years.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 4, 2018 17:15:35 GMT -5
. . . . this week she pretty much announced that our "sex life" (euphemism for "go ahead of you want to") is over and that never warning me ahead of our marriage that she was asexual was not her fault. She has the option to declare her sex life is over. She has the option to declare that your marital sex life is over. Only you have the option to decide if your sex life is over. If that is what you chose to maintain your marriage them that is a valid choice. You can also chose to get legal advice about a divorce. You can learn how to protect assets, joint versus separate accounts, what debt is yours versus hers. Being proactive forces you to own your choice and relives the burden of not having control. At your age the legal advice can be disguised as financial or estate planning. Or you could tell her the truth. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2018 18:29:09 GMT -5
shamwow this is well said. I am now in the midst of this part of my story. I was on the college plan, 4 more years. I was choosing to stay even though I became clear that I am done. Even if my h has a miracle turn around I don't think I can really get past the years of neglect and hurt. I don't even want to anymore. Now I KNOW I won't make it 4 years. If this is where you are at, it is important to begin the planning process for however long you plan to stay now rather than waiting until some future date. When these things fall apart, it can happen a lot faster than you'd expect. |
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Post by workingonit on Oct 4, 2018 19:46:36 GMT -5
shamwow this is well said. I am now in the midst of this part of my story. I was on the college plan, 4 more years. I was choosing to stay even though I became clear that I am done. Even if my h has a miracle turn around I don't think I can really get past the years of neglect and hurt. I don't even want to anymore. Now I KNOW I won't make it 4 years. If this is where you are at, it is important to begin the planning process for however long you plan to stay now rather than waiting until some future date. When these things fall apart, it can happen a lot faster than you'd expect. Yes I have been thinking about that as well. I need to find a lawyer. Many years ago (like 15?) my h and I went through a 2 year sexless period and lots of other shit in our marriage. I was going to leave him. I literally was packed with my babies and ready to mive in with my parents- I even had a job interview for a place near them (about 4 hours from where I lived with my h). He ended up panicking, we did therapy and I made demands, things changed, blah blah. The therapist we worked with was actually a rabbi my husband is close to. I told the therapist when I saw him alone that I wanted to leave. He told me to be careful that I could talk about divorce for a long time but my h would decide to divorce and it would happen immediately. I don't think it will happen but things cam change quickly and you are right I should have my ducks in a row. |
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