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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 8:12:00 GMT -5
Seems to be.Appears to have, could be, as long as, she may be ...her attorney should not go on those things. It comes back to "trust yet verify". That's my advice from experience. Agreed, but she is certainly a leg up since she seems to have the trust box checked. Now comes the varify. Collaboration can gloss over that. This is when my attorney said " no collaboration". |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2018 8:14:17 GMT -5
Another suggestion? Go over the years of marriage in your mind. If you were saving money add it up.
Do the numbers pass a sniff test? If not then you may need help ferreting things out. If it's close is it worth starting WWIII for some money it may cost more to go after than you will get.
In a "good" divorce there are no winners. In a "bad" divorce the lawyers win.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 25, 2018 8:28:31 GMT -5
Thank you.
Yes, I do trust him, I will not get greedy, and we’ve both proven already that our son comes first.
I think we are good candidates for collaborative.
It’s just that one niggling point of money tied up in other places that I don’t know about. It’s possible he may not be forthright about those items unless someone calls it to attention and I don’t know enough to do so. I’ll ensure I have the right people people in place that can. I think that is the “trust yet verify”. I won’t get greedy (I certainly don’t think 55/45 is fair) but I do want to know what I am entitled to, particularly when he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not too far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100% of the time).
I’m not out to rob him, I just want to ensure I’m not screwing myself and struggling for the next 15 years when there’s no need to be.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2018 8:45:51 GMT -5
Thank you. Yes, I do trust him, I will not get greedy, and we’ve both proven already that our son comes first. I think we are good candidates for collaborative. It’s just that one niggling point of money tied up in other places that I don’t know about. It’s possible he may not be forthright about those items unless someone calls it to attention and I don’t know enough to do so. I’ll ensure I have the right people people in place that can. I think that is the “trust yet verify”. I won’t get greedy (I certainly don’t think 55/45 is fair) but I do want to know what I am entitled to, particularly when he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not too far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100% of the time). I’m not out to rob him, I just want to ensure I’m not screwing myself and struggling for the next 15 years when there’s no need to be. Fair enough. Serious question. Let's say he is hiding some stuff. Not millions but general petty larceny (say 10 grand). That's often par for the course in these kinds of things. What is YOUR temperament like? Would you rather just leave it on the table so you can move on, or is it more important to get exactly 50/50 even if it blows up the process? And keep in mind, there is NOT a right or wrong answer here. There are people who say fuck it I'm free and others who say fuck him I won't let him get away with it. Knowing yourself is also a huge part of collaboration. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 25, 2018 8:49:26 GMT -5
Thank you. Yes, I do trust him, I will not get greedy, and we’ve both proven already that our son comes first. I think we are good candidates for collaborative. It’s just that one niggling point of money tied up in other places that I don’t know about. It’s possible he may not be forthright about those items unless someone calls it to attention and I don’t know enough to do so. I’ll ensure I have the right people people in place that can. I think that is the “trust yet verify”. I won’t get greedy (I certainly don’t think 55/45 is fair) but I do want to know what I am entitled to, particularly when he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not too far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100% of the time). I’m not out to rob him, I just want to ensure I’m not screwing myself and struggling for the next 15 years when there’s no need to be. Fair enough. Serious question. Let's say he is hiding some stuff. Not millions but general petty larceny (say 10 grand). That's often par for the course in these kinds of things. What is YOUR temperament like? Would you rather just leave it on the table so you can move on, or is it more important to get exactly 50/50 even if it blows up the process? And keep in mind, there is NOT a right or wrong answer here. There are people who say fuck it I'm free and others who say fuck him I won't let him get away with it. Knowing yourself is also a huge part of collaboration. I am definitely a “fuck it, I’m free” type. I don’t need 50/50 even if I’m technically entitled to it if it’s going to blow up the process. My hope is that I’ll get out of this without having to struggle financially over the years when there’s no need for it due to our financial position. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 25, 2018 9:43:15 GMT -5
If you are the fuck it Im free type, the way to play it if you discover shenanigans down the road is to let him know that you know and leave it at that. Now you have leverage. Now thats pricelss Fair enough. Serious question. Let's say he is hiding some stuff. Not millions but general petty larceny (say 10 grand). That's often par for the course in these kinds of things. What is YOUR temperament like? Would you rather just leave it on the table so you can move on, or is it more important to get exactly 50/50 even if it blows up the process? And keep in mind, there is NOT a right or wrong answer here. There are people who say fuck it I'm free and others who say fuck him I won't let him get away with it. Knowing yourself is also a huge part of collaboration. I am definitely a “fuck it, I’m free” type. I don’t need 50/50 even if I’m technically entitled to it if it’s going to blow up the process. My hope is that I’ll get out of this without having to struggle financially over the years when there’s no need for it due to our financial position. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2018 13:14:56 GMT -5
Fair enough. Serious question. Let's say he is hiding some stuff. Not millions but general petty larceny (say 10 grand). That's often par for the course in these kinds of things. What is YOUR temperament like? Would you rather just leave it on the table so you can move on, or is it more important to get exactly 50/50 even if it blows up the process? And keep in mind, there is NOT a right or wrong answer here. There are people who say fuck it I'm free and others who say fuck him I won't let him get away with it. Knowing yourself is also a huge part of collaboration. I am definitely a “fuck it, I’m free” type. I don’t need 50/50 even if I’m technically entitled to it if it’s going to blow up the process. My hope is that I’ll get out of this without having to struggle financially over the years when there’s no need for it due to our financial position. Then I predict smooth sailing for you given the rest you've explained about your situation. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 14:58:53 GMT -5
Thank you. Yes, I do trust him, I will not get greedy, and we’ve both proven already that our son comes first. I think we are good candidates for collaborative. It’s just that one niggling point of money tied up in other places that I don’t know about. It’s possible he may not be forthright about those items unless someone calls it to attention and I don’t know enough to do so. I’ll ensure I have the right people people in place that can. I think that is the “trust yet verify”. I won’t get greedy (I certainly don’t think 55/45 is fair) but I do want to know what I am entitled to, particularly when he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not too far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100% of the time). I’m not out to rob him, I just want to ensure I’m not screwing myself and struggling for the next 15 years when there’s no need to be. Times are changing. Courts are beginning to look at things differently, in regards to " he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not to far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100%of the time)". ( I was in your shoes) The amount he is required to pay in child support will have nothing to do with his earning potential. The state has a set amount. You have earning potential. Your prior education and work experience will be factored into alimony amount if any. How long you were out of the workforce due to raising the child will be factored in. Your age and how long it would take for you to get back into your old work field will be a factor. The fact that you already have a home, will be factored in. If it's paid for, that will be factored in. What I am politely showing is this (sorry if you already understand this) You are an adult, you can provide for yourself , and your son by working full time. Unless you have the evidence that you are not capable. His potential to make millions is now irrelevant, you are no longer married. If there is enough money in hiding to make it worth your while, now is the time to make sure it gets to the bargaining table. Either way, I know your happiness and future is going to be great, and you made the right decision! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 25, 2018 16:57:52 GMT -5
Thank you. Yes, I do trust him, I will not get greedy, and we’ve both proven already that our son comes first. I think we are good candidates for collaborative. It’s just that one niggling point of money tied up in other places that I don’t know about. It’s possible he may not be forthright about those items unless someone calls it to attention and I don’t know enough to do so. I’ll ensure I have the right people people in place that can. I think that is the “trust yet verify”. I won’t get greedy (I certainly don’t think 55/45 is fair) but I do want to know what I am entitled to, particularly when he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not too far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100% of the time). I’m not out to rob him, I just want to ensure I’m not screwing myself and struggling for the next 15 years when there’s no need to be. Times are changing. Courts are beginning to look at things differently, in regards to " he will go on to make many more millions over the years and I will be not to far above entry-level pay when I go back to work (while caring for our child almost 100%of the time)". ( I was in your shoes) The amount he is required to pay in child support will have nothing to do with his earning potential. The state has a set amount. You have earning potential. Your prior education and work experience will be factored into alimony amount if any. How long you were out of the workforce due to raising the child will be factored in. Your age and how long it would take for you to get back into your old work field will be a factor. The fact that you already have a home, will be factored in. If it's paid for, that will be factored in. What I am politely showing is this (sorry if you already understand this) You are an adult, you can provide for yourself , and your son by working full time. Unless you have the evidence that you are not capable. His potential to make millions is now irrelevant, you are no longer married. If there is enough money in hiding to make it worth your while, now is the time to make sure it gets to the bargaining table. Either way, I know your happiness and future is going to be great, and you made the right decision! Thank you. Yes, I know how much I will receive in child support due to the state calculator. My lawyer did say I should qualify for short term alimony even though it wasn’t a long term marriage due to the fact that 1. I have a decreased ability to work a full time job presently since I need so much flexibility for our son’s medical issues and 2. the huge income disparity between us. The state also takes into consideration “continuing the lifestyle to which one is accustomed”. However, I don’t plan to go after alimony. I would be able to work a part time job and cover bills with the child support and still be okay. Now, if I was just barely making ends meet with that amount while he’s living the high life then it might be a different story. But as it is, I do not feel the need to fight for that in court. This is why it is even more important to me to ensure I’m not screwing myself over by failing to uncover any “hidden” funds. Without a full time job for the next however many years I am not contributing to a 401k, likely not saving enough, and also likely paying my own medical & dental insurance (STBX has agreed to keep our son on his insurance plan since he needs good specialized care). |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2018 17:00:37 GMT -5
In most states the support payer is also required to keep medical insurance on the children. I am even though she gets insurance for herself and the kids free from work.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 17:12:27 GMT -5
Some advice about your health insurance from my own experience. Today's economy is supposedly doing great ( no political comments are needed) at my age I spent months applying for minimum wage jobs and could not get hired.( 14 yrs of unemployment is a big red flag) Fortunately you are younger and may have better success. Taking care of your son limits your availability to have a flexible schedule and work full time. That also means no health care benefits (you will most likely be able to get medicaid) This is something your attorney should get to the bargaining table for you. Keeping you on his health plan for x number of years.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 17:15:12 GMT -5
Getting a part time job now would help your case. It gives solid numbers and little wiggle room for arguments. I needed that in my case but I could not get hired.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 25, 2018 17:28:51 GMT -5
Getting a part time job now would help your case. It gives solid numbers and little wiggle room for arguments. I needed that in my case but I could not get hired. Opposite for me: I’ve been advised by a lawyer not to get a job yet - not until we’ve started to hash out divorce terms. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 25, 2018 20:18:52 GMT -5
Getting a part time job now would help your case. It gives solid numbers and little wiggle room for arguments. I needed that in my case but I could not get hired. Opposite for me: I’ve been advised by a lawyer not to get a job yet - not until we’ve started to hash out divorce terms. Understood. Would you looking for a job and having more than one be to your advantage? You could choose the lower paying one or the higher paying one, whichever works concerning your final agreement. ( something to have ready in your back pocket) What might also be to your advantage is if no one is hiring in your field and you can prove it. My ex's attorney's where real big on setting a deadline. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 10, 2018 19:43:20 GMT -5
@choosinghappy As of Wednesday Oct 10, my spouse claims she is pursuing Collaborative. I have yet to pay a retainer (I am favoring one who specializes in "high conflict" divorces), but the one I am favoring specializes in litigation first and collaboration second. I actually think that's the way to go since my spouse is a narcissist and sneaky AF. I'm not expecting a straight ahead process. My other thought is actually to choose a different lawyer in the same practice for the collaboration; then, if it falls through, I can revert to high conflict lawyer (since the same lawyer who represents me for collaboration cannot then represent me in litigation). I hate that I know so much about this shit. I'd say it's easier and cheaper to start with collaboration. And faster. As long as he's open to it, seems to make sense. And if it turns sour, you can switch to litigation with relatively little invested. In your case collaborative might not be a good idea. It's difficult to collaborate with someone who cancels your insurance and cell phone. |
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