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Post by jamesbonding on Sept 24, 2018 13:40:10 GMT -5
A question for your husband (rhetorical, perhaps): "So, you'd rather play golf than spend time with me?"
Or, "You'd rather play with the holes on the golf course than with the ones at home?"
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Post by Dan on Sept 24, 2018 16:02:02 GMT -5
Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. This is very big of you. But unless he knows what you are doing, and why, and what behavior change you want in him... it might be for naught. Switch genders and some of the details, and it sounds very much like, oh, the whole middle 20 years of my 30 year marriage! By taking on more and more of the house chores and kid duties, I hoped to free her up for some time for "her time" and then for some "us time". My playful banter and "I'm going up to bed now" hints were met with indifference. She just didn't ever elevate "us time" to a priority. You might be on the same path. And you don't know unless you TELL HIM: what you are doing, and why, and what behavior change you want in him.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 26, 2018 2:15:56 GMT -5
[Focus on yourself:
Exercise Get a cleaning lady if you can afford it Go out with your girlfriends - ( he gets to golf so you get fun time too) Go for a massage - leave him with the kids Go to the movies or local theater even by yourself I advocate outsourcing but I know it’s not for everyone. My POV is if he’s not interested in your sexuality then your sexuality is none of his business. Move into the other bedroom if he doesn’t change soon.
Have a talk with him, set a timetable in your mind, follow through. [/quote]
Focus on myself - that is exactly what I intend to do now and so far I feel really good for it.
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Post by elkclan2 on Sept 26, 2018 4:40:57 GMT -5
"What i struggle with is love and sex are feelings and if you have to consciously think about putting in effort then it’s not coming from the heart and I don’t think anyone would want to be wanted in that way."
Sex is not a feeling. Sex is an act. If there is desire there -even if it's reactive desire (that is desire that comes after arousal) rather than spontaneous desire (desire that drives arousal) - then sometimes we need to action to get back in the habit of having sex.
For a variety of reasons - including work travel and colds - my partner and I haven't had sex since Sunday morning. This is a big dry spell for us. It's not a big deal, but basically we didn't have sex last night because my partner has more spontaneous desire in the morning and I was so tired I didn't push it last night. Full intention to have sex this morning. But we woke up at 8:30 and my partner had to be in a meeting at 9 (there was no way he'd make it in on time). So I said "We will have sex tonight." And we will, because we're not in a sexless relationship. Because even if we're not 'in the mood' we will do it because it is a way that we re-connect and nurture each other and our relationship. And the sex is great regardless - so I'm not worried about that. We are both sex people, so this is fine. But when one person in the partnership isn't a sex person - when they get more anxiety than relief from the idea of having sex - then this kind of sex scheduling feels stressful for them. (not true in all cases, but true in some). For us - sex scheduling doesn't feel stressful at all.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 26, 2018 5:12:11 GMT -5
A question for your husband (rhetorical, perhaps): "So, you'd rather play golf than spend time with me?" Or, "You'd rather play with the holes on the golf course than with the ones at home?" LOL!!!
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Post by winter123 on Sept 26, 2018 5:13:33 GMT -5
"What i struggle with is love and sex are feelings and if you have to consciously think about putting in effort then it’s not coming from the heart and I don’t think anyone would want to be wanted in that way." Sex is not a feeling. Sex is an act. If there is desire there -even if it's reactive desire (that is desire that comes after arousal) rather than spontaneous desire (desire that drives arousal) - then sometimes we need to action to get back in the habit of having sex. For a variety of reasons - including work travel and colds - my partner and I haven't had sex since Sunday morning. This is a big dry spell for us. It's not a big deal, but basically we didn't have sex last night because my partner has more spontaneous desire in the morning and I was so tired I didn't push it last night. Full intention to have sex this morning. But we woke up at 8:30 and my partner had to be in a meeting at 9 (there was no way he'd make it in on time). So I said "We will have sex tonight." And we will, because we're not in a sexless relationship. Because even if we're not 'in the mood' we will do it because it is a way that we re-connect and nurture each other and our relationship. And the sex is great regardless - so I'm not worried about that. We are both sex people, so this is fine. But when one person in the partnership isn't a sex person - when they get more anxiety than relief from the idea of having sex - then this kind of sex scheduling feels stressful for them. (not true in all cases, but true in some). For us - sex scheduling doesn't feel stressful at all. Good for you.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 26, 2018 8:11:28 GMT -5
“In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that.” You are making his “hating the thought of separate bedrooms” more important than your reality and your sanity. Why? In your post, Winter, this was the line that I focused on, as well. My rather indelicate reply is, "So DAMN what?" Yes, you are a wife who wants to please her husband. But you, unfortunately, are with a husband who doesn't give two cents about trying to please you. In your marriage, you are the satellite and he is the planet. You are expected to revolve around him and his world. Here is the South, we have a storied, time-honored tradition. It's called The Hissy Fit, and I've have always felt that there is nothing like a well-timed hissy fit to clear the air. Actually they should orbit each other. Even the smallest satellite had a gravitational influence upon the body it orbits. In a marriage, man and woman are equals. More akin to two stars orbiting a shared center of gravity. And a hissy fit might make her feel better for a few minutes but will change nothing. Co-equal stars don't throw hissy fits.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 26, 2018 8:15:30 GMT -5
A hissy fit won’t change him. He is selfish and not sexually interested in her. Her acting to respect and honor herself and her needs would allow her a happier life. If she chooses to stay with him she could at least move out of the bedroom. Again, you speak from your limited experience. I know of one woman, a Southerner, who came home to find evidence that her husband (who preferred to masturbate to porn rather than have sex with her) had left evidence (used tissues) of once again flying solo. She threw down a right royal hissy, with the following ultimatum: either see a counselor or an attorney, and you've got 30 days! He saw that she meant it, started seeing a counselor, and sex once again became part of their lives. If there's one thing I've learned, it's your say-so/my say-so don't make it so! At the point of a gun?
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Post by csl on Sept 26, 2018 8:17:46 GMT -5
In your post, Winter, this was the line that I focused on, as well. My rather indelicate reply is, "So DAMN what?" Yes, you are a wife who wants to please her husband. But you, unfortunately, are with a husband who doesn't give two cents about trying to please you. In your marriage, you are the satellite and he is the planet. You are expected to revolve around him and his world. Here is the South, we have a storied, time-honored tradition. It's called The Hissy Fit, and I've have always felt that there is nothing like a well-timed hissy fit to clear the air. Actually they should orbit each other. Even the smallest satellite had a gravitational influence upon the body it orbits. In a marriage, man and woman are equals. More akin to two stars orbiting a shared center of gravity. And a hissy fit might make her feel better for a few minutes but will change nothing. Co-equal stars don't throw hissy fits. Point 1 - Agreed. Point 2 - Agree to disagree. A well-delivered hissy fit can change the dynamics of a marriage, as the example of the woman on another forum demonstrated. I would agree that "co-equal stars" wouldn't need a hissy; however, as I pointed out, she isn't a "co-equal", but a merely satellite to his planet.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 26, 2018 8:29:06 GMT -5
It might just be my interpretation on this Sister winter123 , but this bit - "Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests" - reads like you are planning on taking the pressure off your recalcitrant spouse, when really, you need to be putting his problem squarely back where it belongs...on him. The problem in these situations is often that your maximum concession becomes his minimum expectation. "Your" best interests don't appear to come into it. I hear what you’re saying but if he is working full time in a highly pressurised job then i feel that i should pick up more in other areas of home life etc. If i do all that and he doesn’t change his ways then i will have to re-evaluate the situation. In your mind, you feel you need to do everything you can so you know you "did your part". Does that sound right? If so, I can completely relate. When my ex and I had kids, I knew it was stressful. I took on a second job so she could stay home with the kids. I did more laundry. Still no "us" So the dishes started piling up. I did more of those as well. I cooked. I cleaned. I wanted to make sure that I did everything to make sure I was doing my part. Still no "us". I got a maid for her. Still no "us" But I wanted yo make sure I was doing "my part." Then one day I woke up and realized that my part was to be a good husband. Make sure we were provided for. Make sure I helped around the house. Make sure I was a good father. I was doing all these things and had been for quite some time. She just didn't want to fuck me. It doesn't matter how many jobs I had, how many loads of laundry I did, how many dishes I did. Nothing changed that basic math. So I left. And haven't looked back.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 26, 2018 10:16:22 GMT -5
I hear what you’re saying but if he is working full time in a highly pressurised job then i feel that i should pick up more in other areas of home life etc. If i do all that and he doesn’t change his ways then i will have to re-evaluate the situation. In your mind, you feel you need to do everything you can so you know you "did your part". Does that sound right? If so, I can completely relate. When my ex and I had kids, I knew it was stressful. I took on a second job so she could stay home with the kids. I did more laundry. Still no "us" So the dishes started piling up. I did more of those as well. I cooked. I cleaned. I wanted to make sure that I did everything to make sure I was doing my part. Still no "us". I got a maid for her. Still no "us" But I wanted yo make sure I was doing "my part." Then one day I woke up and realized that my part was to be a good husband. Make sure we were provided for. Make sure I helped around the house. Make sure I was a good father. I was doing all these things and had been for quite some time. She just didn't want to fuck me. It doesn't matter how many jobs I had, how many loads of laundry I did, how many dishes I did. Nothing changed that basic math. So I left. And haven't looked back. Don’t think I could leave my H as I love him.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 26, 2018 10:52:04 GMT -5
In your mind, you feel you need to do everything you can so you know you "did your part". Does that sound right? If so, I can completely relate. When my ex and I had kids, I knew it was stressful. I took on a second job so she could stay home with the kids. I did more laundry. Still no "us" So the dishes started piling up. I did more of those as well. I cooked. I cleaned. I wanted to make sure that I did everything to make sure I was doing my part. Still no "us". I got a maid for her. Still no "us" But I wanted yo make sure I was doing "my part." Then one day I woke up and realized that my part was to be a good husband. Make sure we were provided for. Make sure I helped around the house. Make sure I was a good father. I was doing all these things and had been for quite some time. She just didn't want to fuck me. It doesn't matter how many jobs I had, how many loads of laundry I did, how many dishes I did. Nothing changed that basic math. So I left. And haven't looked back. Don’t think I could leave my H as I love him. Fair enough. But you also cannot change him. If you cannot leave I'd suggest you pray for serenity.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 26, 2018 12:57:33 GMT -5
She just didn't want to fuck me. It doesn't matter how many jobs I had, how many loads of laundry I did, how many dishes I did. Nothing changed that basic math. So I left. And haven't looked back. This is very profound. When I realized the truth that my refuser just did not want to fuck me, it changed me quite a bit. But things really changed when I stopped asking why my refuser mistreated me and started asking why I was accepting it. There was no good answer.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 26, 2018 13:16:27 GMT -5
1. I don’t have any time to myself but I don’t complain. 2. I have tried to be sympathetic but it’s hard when I am in the same situation - lol i’m not out partying every night!!! 3. However i always make time for him and his needs but he feels it fine to ignore my needs and not communicate. I’m tired of being kept hanging on and waiting for him. 4. Lately he never comes up to bed when i say ‘i’m going up’ (hint hint) and it makes me feel like he is just ignoring me and wants me to fall asleep so he doesn’t have to be intimate with me.5. In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that.6. I just don’t want to resent him again as i’ve worked so hard to not feel like that towards him. However when he blatantly knows what he’s doing and how he’s making me feel but chooses to ignore it and not communicate i can’t help feel otherwise. What should i do? I know you love him and don't want to end the marriage. But I just want to let you know that I could have written everything you said 20 years ago. I tried and tried not to be resentful, but my resentment grew and grew. When I tried to talk to my refuser, she just gave me excuse after excuse, just like your H. I took on more and more of the household chores, but nothing made any difference. You may be different from me, but it is possible that your resentment is growing steadily and will continue to do so. Eventually, you may get to the point where you cannot stand your H at all.
I would suggest that you find a time when you can talk to him alone for several hours. Tell him that you need him to listen to you until you are done. Then tell him exactly how his rejections have affected you. And explain that your resentment is growing and at some point, your resentment is going to exceed your love for him and then the marriage may end.
Of course, this is just my opinion.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 26, 2018 14:24:33 GMT -5
1. I don’t have any time to myself but I don’t complain. 2. I have tried to be sympathetic but it’s hard when I am in the same situation - lol i’m not out partying every night!!! 3. However i always make time for him and his needs but he feels it fine to ignore my needs and not communicate. I’m tired of being kept hanging on and waiting for him. 4. Lately he never comes up to bed when i say ‘i’m going up’ (hint hint) and it makes me feel like he is just ignoring me and wants me to fall asleep so he doesn’t have to be intimate with me.5. In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that.6. I just don’t want to resent him again as i’ve worked so hard to not feel like that towards him. However when he blatantly knows what he’s doing and how he’s making me feel but chooses to ignore it and not communicate i can’t help feel otherwise. What should i do? I know you love him and don't want to end the marriage. But I just want to let you know that I could have written everything you said 20 years ago. I tried and tried not to be resentful, but my resentment grew and grew. When I tried to talk to my refuser, she just gave me excuse after excuse, just like your H. I took on more and more of the household chores, but nothing made any difference. You may be different from me, but it is possible that your resentment is growing steadily and will continue to do so. Eventually, you may get to the point where you cannot stand your H at all.
I would suggest that you find a time when you can talk to him alone for several hours. Tell him that you need him to listen to you until you are done. Then tell him exactly how his rejections have affected you. And explain that your resentment is growing and at some point, your resentment is going to exceed your love for him and then the marriage may end.
Of course, this is just my opinion.
I know I completely relate to everything you have said. I have raised this with my H time and time again and told him that his actions will eventually make me fall out of love with him and that I will end up resenting him. Things changed for a few weeks/months and then back to square one.
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