|
Post by winter123 on Sept 23, 2018 2:38:38 GMT -5
So i’ve not posted here in a while because things with my H were going in the right direction. I think he knew i was at breaking point and probably thought he needed to change his ways. The sex has been really good...when it happens but now we’re back in that dry spell mode. However he never communicates with me and yesterday it came out that he felt he didn’t have enough time for himself due to the stresses of his job and as we also have two young children. I have tried on several occasions to give him suggestions of how to manage his time better so he can go to the gym, play golf etc but he always shuts my suggestion down by saying that he can’t on that day due to xyz. What frustrates me the most is that i work too, manage and clean the house as well as look after our kids even on my non working day. I don’t have any time to myself but I don’t complain. My H says that until he can resolve his own things then it’s hard to deal with us and our intimacy. He always make it about him and his work, his lack of time to find the time to do things he wants. I have tried to be sympathetic but it’s hard when I am in the same situation - lol i’m not out partying every night!!! However i always make time for him and his needs but he feels it fine to ignore my needs and not communicate. I’m tired of being kept hanging on and waiting for him. This has been going on for about 6 years. Lately he never comes up to bed when i say ‘i’m going up’ (hint hint) and it makes me feel like he is just ignoring me and wants me to fall asleep so he doesn’t have to be intimate with me. In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that. I just don’t want to resent him again as i’ve worked so hard to not feel like that towards him. However when he blatantly knows what he’s doing and how he’s making me feel but chooses to ignore it and not communicate i can’t help feel otherwise. What should i do?
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 23, 2018 4:30:00 GMT -5
I think that what your husband said - "that until he can resolve his own things then it’s hard to deal with us and our intimacy" is actually pretty spot on. He either fixes his issues, or they don't get fixed. You can't fix his issues for him....and there's nothing in this post (or your others) that mention him doing anything about his issues (like individual counselling or something like that) so you'd have to wonder just how committed to change he really is....or whether he prefers to just avoid the whole thing, and avoid you as well, as his preferred course of (in)action. Plus, it is entirely possible that his "issues" ain't fixable - even if he was having a red hot go at them.
You got a decent array of responses to your intial post back late last year. Did anything resonate there ?
In regard to your question "what should I do ?", what do you figure you should do, and more to the point, what are you prepared to do ?
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Sept 23, 2018 6:36:25 GMT -5
“In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that.”
You are making his “hating the thought of separate bedrooms” more important than your reality and your sanity. Why?
|
|
|
Post by csl on Sept 23, 2018 6:59:29 GMT -5
“In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that.” You are making his “hating the thought of separate bedrooms” more important than your reality and your sanity. Why? In your post, Winter, this was the line that I focused on, as well. My rather indelicate reply is, "So DAMN what?" Yes, you are a wife who wants to please her husband. But you, unfortunately, are with a husband who doesn't give two cents about trying to please you. In your marriage, you are the satellite and he is the planet. You are expected to revolve around him and his world. Here is the South, we have a storied, time-honored tradition. It's called The Hissy Fit, and I've have always felt that there is nothing like a well-timed hissy fit to clear the air.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Sept 23, 2018 7:09:33 GMT -5
A hissy fit won’t change him. He is selfish and not sexually interested in her.
Her acting to respect and honor herself and her needs would allow her a happier life. If she chooses to stay with him she could at least move out of the bedroom.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Sept 23, 2018 8:25:24 GMT -5
winter123The part of your post that resonated most with me was this: “What frustrates me the most is that i work too, manage and clean the house as well as look after our kids even on my non working day. I don’t have any time to myself but I don’t complain. My H says that until he can resolve his own things then it’s hard to deal with us and our intimacy. He always make it about him and his work, his lack of time to find the time to do things he wants. I have tried to be sympathetic but it’s hard when I am in the same situation - lol i’m not out partying every night!!! However i always make time for him and his needs but he feels it fine to ignore my needs and not communicate.” I can empathize and relate to a lot of what you wrote. Your husband is SELFISH and CLUELESS. It’s time for you to become a little selfish too. Stop making time for him and his needs. I would definitely have a serious talk with him, I know again, but really let him have it. If he wants to live as a married man then he needs to act like a married man. If he wants you in the bed then he better want and desire you in the bed and enthusiastically at least once a week. He doesn’t get to have the marriage he wants but you don’t get the marriage you want. He needs to work his shit out quick or be prepared to be even more unhappy than he is now. Focus on yourself: Exercise Get a cleaning lady if you can afford it Go out with your girlfriends - ( he gets to golf so you get fun time too) Go for a massage - leave him with the kids Go to the movies or local theater even by yourself I advocate outsourcing but I know it’s not for everyone. My POV is if he’s not interested in your sexuality then your sexuality is none of his business. Move into the other bedroom if he doesn’t change soon. Have a talk with him, set a timetable in your mind, follow through.
|
|
|
Post by winter123 on Sept 23, 2018 9:24:49 GMT -5
Thanks everyone really appreciate your comments. Have spoken to H this afternoon and he recognises things have fallen through the net over the last few months. He doesn’t want it to carry on like that and was happier when things were better between us. Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests but have made it clear that as a couple we have to make “us” a priority. If that is on point then you can play golf, go gym as often as you want!!! There needs to be a balance, communication of mutual understanding , sacrifice and compromise which unfortunately in our busy lives we end up taking for granted.
|
|
|
Post by winter123 on Sept 23, 2018 9:41:07 GMT -5
I think that what your husband said - "that until he can resolve his own things then it’s hard to deal with us and our intimacy" is actually pretty spot on. He either fixes his issues, or they don't get fixed. You can't fix his issues for him....and there's nothing in this post (or your others) that mention him doing anything about his issues (like individual counselling or something like that) so you'd have to wonder just how committed to change he really is....or whether he prefers to just avoid the whole thing, and avoid you as well, as his preferred course of (in)action. Plus, it is entirely possible that his "issues" ain't fixable - even if he was having a red hot go at them. You got a decent array of responses to your intial post back late last year. Did anything resonate there ? In regard to your question "what should I do ?", what do you figure you should do, and more to the point, what are you prepared to do ? baza - Plus, it is entirely possible that his "issues" ain't fixable - even if he was having a red hot go at them. Your words are so true. You are right it’s not always fixable and my H has to accept that and move on. I think his issues will be better managed in the near future which we’ve both discussed and he recognises that which is positive.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Sept 23, 2018 11:49:02 GMT -5
A hissy fit won’t change him. He is selfish and not sexually interested in her. Her acting to respect and honor herself and her needs would allow her a happier life. If she chooses to stay with him she could at least move out of the bedroom. Again, you speak from your limited experience. I know of one woman, a Southerner, who came home to find evidence that her husband (who preferred to masturbate to porn rather than have sex with her) had left evidence (used tissues) of once again flying solo. She threw down a right royal hissy, with the following ultimatum: either see a counselor or an attorney, and you've got 30 days! He saw that she meant it, started seeing a counselor, and sex once again became part of their lives. If there's one thing I've learned, it's your say-so/my say-so don't make it so!
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Sept 23, 2018 17:11:45 GMT -5
"The sex has been really good ... when it happens."
I can understand that occasional really good sex can keep things going. I am curious as to what you think your husband's take on it was.
If I have a really good experience, I want more. For my stbx, whether it was crappy duty sex or outstanding hysterical bonding sex, she never wanted more. I never want to have sex with a woman that only sees it as a duty again.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 23, 2018 18:40:58 GMT -5
Thanks everyone really appreciate your comments. Have spoken to H this afternoon and he recognises things have fallen through the net over the last few months. He doesn’t want it to carry on like that and was happier when things were better between us. Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests but have made it clear that as a couple we have to make “us” a priority. If that is on point then you can play golf, go gym as often as you want!!! There needs to be a balance, communication of mutual understanding , sacrifice and compromise which unfortunately in our busy lives we end up taking for granted. It might just be my interpretation on this Sister winter123 , but this bit - "Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests" - reads like you are planning on taking the pressure off your recalcitrant spouse, when really, you need to be putting his problem squarely back where it belongs...on him. The problem in these situations is often that your maximum concession becomes his minimum expectation. "Your" best interests don't appear to come into it.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Sept 24, 2018 2:36:03 GMT -5
When I was back in my bad old sexless marriage I was complaining about lack of sex and my ex said to me "I view sex as a leisure activity, and since I've been so busy at work and don't have time for my hobbies right now I don't feel like I have time for sex. I'll feel differently when the term is over."
Me then: "Oh, ok, you're under a lot of pressure - I'll back off." I waited for Christmas break and guess what, I waited and waited and waited. In January I brought it up and he actually pushed me away in disgust.
Me with my current perspective: "Right - so having sex with me is less enjoyable than your hobby and my needs are so far down the list that you can't even contemplate helping me meet them if you don't have time to play your hobby game. I hear what you're saying. You don't want to fuck me and you'll use any lame-ass excuse to do so."
Your husband is making excuses.
|
|
|
Post by winter123 on Sept 24, 2018 3:43:55 GMT -5
Thanks everyone really appreciate your comments. Have spoken to H this afternoon and he recognises things have fallen through the net over the last few months. He doesn’t want it to carry on like that and was happier when things were better between us. Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests but have made it clear that as a couple we have to make “us” a priority. If that is on point then you can play golf, go gym as often as you want!!! There needs to be a balance, communication of mutual understanding , sacrifice and compromise which unfortunately in our busy lives we end up taking for granted. It might just be my interpretation on this Sister winter123 , but this bit - "Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests" - reads like you are planning on taking the pressure off your recalcitrant spouse, when really, you need to be putting his problem squarely back where it belongs...on him. The problem in these situations is often that your maximum concession becomes his minimum expectation. "Your" best interests don't appear to come into it. I hear what you’re saying but if he is working full time in a highly pressurised job then i feel that i should pick up more in other areas of home life etc. If i do all that and he doesn’t change his ways then i will have to re-evaluate the situation.
|
|
|
Post by winter123 on Sept 24, 2018 3:46:52 GMT -5
When I was back in my bad old sexless marriage I was complaining about lack of sex and my ex said to me "I view sex as a leisure activity, and since I've been so busy at work and don't have time for my hobbies right now I don't feel like I have time for sex. I'll feel differently when the term is over." Me then: "Oh, ok, you're under a lot of pressure - I'll back off." I waited for Christmas break and guess what, I waited and waited and waited. In January I brought it up and he actually pushed me away in disgust. Me with my current perspective: "Right - so having sex with me is less enjoyable than your hobby and my needs are so far down the list that you can't even contemplate helping me meet them if you don't have time to play your hobby game. I hear what you're saying. You don't want to fuck me and you'll use any lame-ass excuse to do so." Your husband is making excuses. Thanks for sharing. Yeah I agree a lot of excuses are being made. When we spoke yesterday he did say things were going well and only in the last few months things have slipped and that he needs to make more effort. What i struggle with is love and sex are feelings and if you have to consciously think about putting in effort then it’s not coming from the heart and I don’t think anyone would want to be wanted in that way.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Sept 24, 2018 4:35:09 GMT -5
Thanks everyone really appreciate your comments. Have spoken to H this afternoon and he recognises things have fallen through the net over the last few months. He doesn’t want it to carry on like that and was happier when things were better between us. Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests but have made it clear that as a couple we have to make “us” a priority. If that is on point then you can play golf, go gym as often as you want!!! There needs to be a balance, communication of mutual understanding , sacrifice and compromise which unfortunately in our busy lives we end up taking for granted. It might just be my interpretation on this Sister winter123 , but this bit - "Next year I will be reducing my working hours so can pick up more of the home/kid duties...which will hopefully free up more of H’s time. I have no issue in supporting his interests" - reads like you are planning on taking the pressure off your recalcitrant spouse, when really, you need to be putting his problem squarely back where it belongs...on him. The problem in these situations is often that your maximum concession becomes his minimum expectation. "Your" best interests don't appear to come into it. This. Again,YOU are sacrificing something to keep him happy. How about you work when you need to work,and hubby can cut back on the tee times to please his wife and children. If he wants to fix it,of course. Don’t let him call your bluff. Again.
|
|