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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 8, 2018 15:25:13 GMT -5
Currently my specific delima is " how to handle the death of my ex's father". ( he's 86 yrs old.) Others have had to go through similar situations and I would like some advice. Mine might have more strings attached than others, the divorce has only been 6 months. My FIL lived with my entire family for 12 yrs. I was the one who spent the most time with him. I fixed well over 3000 meals for him.
I thought I would be more prepared for this day. I thought, " I will show up for the funeral, sit in the back, avoid her family, pay my respects, and leave." Instead it's turning out that there will most likely have to be more communication, with me, forced upon my ex. Weeks when the kids are with me, taking them out of school, preparations of grandpas room, the funeral, relatives visiting, etc... ( and me taking the high road and not using it as a weapon against her as I fear she will easily do to me) , and letting the kids know that they can talk to me about it.
If it wasn't for my older adult boys still living in the same house with my FIL and my daughters still being around him every other week, it would have been much easier to 100% detach myself from anything that pertains to my ex's family. (the "F" family-that's the abbreviation, not some other word!)
They certainly sided with her, as expected.
There are times to cast the past aside, and then there are times to not interfere and detach.
What is also difficult for me is, as much as I truly loved the man, after year two, I slowly,more and more resented the 'intruder" in my household and marriage. (there's much more to say about that)
What makes it more difficult is the 100% zero communication from my ex about it . Instead my 16 yr old daughter text me and tells me all about it and asks me " is there anything specific you want me to tell him for you?" My daughter wants to communicate with me about it, my ex does not.
Others may have gone through this before, or maybe reading this will help you think about your own times to come? Thanks for your understanding !
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 8, 2018 16:43:11 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I sense that you’re willing to be supportive, even though it may be personally unpleasant. Consider calling her directly and asking simply “How can I help?” You don’t need to be the one providing emotional support, but you could be the logistics guy to help work through the initial surge of overwhelming tasks. Consider taking on “atomic” tasks - that is, things that don’t have dependencies. Say, calling funeral homes and cemeteries for pricing, etc. Helping to provide some turnkey meals. That sort of thing, where you can do your part, turnover the result, and disengage. Driving the kids to activities that she would normally have to. I probably wouldn’t take on tasks like cleaning out his room, trying to be an event coordinator, etc. Those are things that you can’t be autonomous, and require you to be interactive with her. Bottom-line, if you want to be supportive, there are ways you can contribute without it depending on interaction with her.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 8, 2018 17:29:10 GMT -5
greatcoastal , I sense that you’re willing to be supportive, even though it may be personally unpleasant. Consider calling her directly and asking simply “How can I help?” You don’t need to be the one providing emotional support, but you could be the logistics guy to help work through the initial surge of overwhelming tasks. Consider taking on “atomic” tasks - that is, things that don’t have dependencies. Say, calling funeral homes and cemeteries for pricing, etc. Helping to provide some turnkey meals. That sort of thing, where you can do your part, turnover the result, and disengage. Driving the kids to activities that she would normally have to. I probably wouldn’t take on tasks like cleaning out his room, trying to be an event coordinator, etc. Those are things that you can’t be autonomous, and require you to be interactive with her. Bottom-line, if you want to be supportive, there are ways you can contribute without it depending on interaction with her. Your advice is very much on track to the advice I just received from a friend who knows all about my situation. (part of my support network) . My friend , and I both believe that my ex will not contact me or involve me in this much at all. That is her character. What I can do is stick to the facts as much as possible. Meaning? texting my older teens ,(at the appropriate time) and telling them " I will not be doing,,,, etc,,, because I was not invited. If there are things that you need to talk about to me, you are always welcome to come over to the house and speak with me ,and or text me." I also believe I should not ask my ex what is needed, but ask my daughters and son, what they prefer to do. " Do you want to go? Do you want to stay with your mom ? Do you want to be there with your relatives? They are certainly getting old enough now to make these decisions. They have told me these things before. And then act upon it. This way I will be supportive of my teens and their needs. ( This is their first death to have to deal with, and a very close one too) Something that I am still "ironing out in my mind" is this, " my low level resentment of grandpa living with us (me, my W. and my 6 kids) and us taking care of him, while wondering, " where is his wife? his son? and other daughter? and there children?" How much of our/my family is going to have to handle all of this? I also know some of the answers to this, my ex loved having control over him. Revenge against her mother (by totally isolating her mom) having control of his finances, his lifestyle, using him as triangulation, etc... ( I read somewhere that this is often the case in a lot of families. Where one sibling ends up doing the caring for the aging parents) That is going to come to the surface more, now that the end of this chapter comes to a close. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 8, 2018 18:13:04 GMT -5
greatcoastal, by all means, ask your kids for their thoughts; just don’t use them as the communication conduit. If you don’t feel you should be involved, then don’t engage and don’t sweat it. It sounds like she has plenty of immediate family that should be sharing the load anyway, so she shouldn’t need the help. But it wouldn’t suck to offer her your condolences before the funeral. There are surely different opinions on whether the kids should be encouraged to attend the funeral. I think dealing with loss is reality and an important part of life, he was in their lives daily, and your kids are old enough to manage it. If you fish for their opinion they’d surely opt out of an uncomfortable experience; I’d take the tack of presuming they’re going by default and not asking.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 8, 2018 19:12:15 GMT -5
greatcoastal , by all means, ask your kids for their thoughts; just don’t use them as the communication conduit. If you don’t feel you should be involved, then don’t engage and don’t sweat it. It sounds like she has plenty of immediate family that should be sharing the load anyway, so she shouldn’t need the help. But it wouldn’t suck to offer her your condolences before the funeral. There are surely different opinions on whether the kids should be encouraged to attend the funeral. I think dealing with loss is reality and an important part of life, he was in their lives daily, and your kids are old enough to manage it. If you fish for their opinion they’d surely opt out of an uncomfortable experience; I’d take the tack of presuming they’re going by default and not asking. Thanks!! Again! It gets complicated doesn't it? At the present I am going to fall back on the "one day at a time approach". And hope that "98% of worries end up being concerns" comes true. This is said with respect- to " "if you fish for their opinion they'd surely opt out of an uncomfortable experience". Actually I can think of one teen that would ,but not the others. I'm thinking more about being flexible in this 'time of crisis' and letting them stay with their mom more and me transporting them around more when needed. That also gives me more one on one time to communicate with them and ask them how they are handling things, (listening to there complaints) and -OCCASIONALLY reminding them when needed " I was not invited". And move on to better things. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 9, 2018 6:43:46 GMT -5
Don’t remind them about how you were “not invited” to things. Just be supportive. Don’t use the situation as an opportunity to make a dig at the current situation between you and your ex, just show your willingness to help and support. You mentioned “there are times to cast the past aside” and this is one of them. Stop overthinking it and just offer love and support. No matter what the situation with your ex, he was her one father and remained an important part of your family for his remaining years. Yes, it caused difficulties and resentment but that’s over now. Think of what is best for your kids and what they (and she) may need at this time (keeping in mind what DryCreek said about leaving the more emotional things to your ex and her siblings). That’s all you need to focus on. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2018 7:45:02 GMT -5
The people to offer support to are your kids. Ask them what you can do to help them and then do that. You have frequently expressed justified anger at your wife’s making her father, not you, the man of the house and live of her life. You do not have a good relationship with your ex whom you view as manipulative and controlling. You have no responsibilities to help her get through this loss. Any of your efforts to be helpful are likely to end in disaster due to the resentments on both sides. You do have a responsibility to help your children with their loss.
Given your ex’s behavior, it’s unlikely you’d be welcome at the funeral and don't plan to go if she would view your presence as an intrusion. Turn to your friends and here to manage your own complicated feelings of loss.
You could send flowers to the funeral, which could offer comfort to your kids.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 9, 2018 10:01:40 GMT -5
Grandpa passed away at 3 am.
I pick up my teen daughters (and my teen son drives his own car), to be with me at 5:00pm for the next 7 days.
I think the best thing to do is to text my daughters and ask them " do you want to be with your mom this week? You are welcome to be with me,and I can transport you to wherever you need to go, whenever it's needed."
Or should I make that decision for them? Like normal they have school, and various other doctor appointments throughout the week.
Part of me thinks it might be good for them to not be around it so much, and part of me thinks it will help them to be there to support their mother and the rest of the family through this time of grieving.
Amazingly my pastors sermon, moments ago this morning ,was about "our reality of grief is realigned to comfort in his presence" When Jesus was told about the death of John the baptist he left to a deserted place to be by himself.
You can't lead someone through something you haven't been through yourself. ( both my parents passed away all ready, my children did not get to know them very well) Why do these things happen? Death, a SM? They are important enough to share with someone else to help them through their journey.
You have so much to offer become a conduit of comfort!
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 9, 2018 12:12:30 GMT -5
I called my oldest daughter and spoke with her, moments ago. Most all of the "F" family are over at the house. The funeral will be this Fri.
I asked my daughter, " do you want to be with your mom this week? you and your sister are welcome to be with me this week and I can transport you when needed. You do have two other appointments this week. Take a few hours to think about it, talk it over with your mom, and decide what's best for you. If you feel you need to be there to support the rest of the family, that's okay. If you feel you need to get away and need sometime for yourself, by staying with me, that's okay too."
My wonderful, loving daughter called me back shortly and said " I think it's best if we stay with mom this week, to offer her support, will you email mom about my appointments? ( I've already done that) You can pick me up Fri. and take me to the orthodontist, that would help."
She then asked " will we be with you the next week? " I said, " I am not sure. That would flip around our schedule. I won't be seeing you or your sister for three weeks, I miss you already".
My daughter said," maybe we could stay with you for two weeks?" I said " I would like that!. We will see how it goes."
All new ground, my friends, all new ground. Just a peak into opposite land.
like the approach of " this is a one time thing, a speed bump in the road of life" it will pass and I can feel like I set a good example.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 9, 2018 12:16:07 GMT -5
Don’t remind them about how you were “not invited” to things. Just be supportive. Don’t use the situation as an opportunity to make a dig at the current situation between you and your ex, just show your willingness to help and support. You mentioned “there are times to cast the past aside” and this is one of them. Stop overthinking it and just offer love and support. No matter what the situation with your ex, he was her one father and remained an important part of your family for his remaining years. Yes, it caused difficulties and resentment but that’s over now. Think of what is best for your kids and what they (and she) may need at this time (keeping in mind what DryCreek said about leaving the more emotional things to your ex and her siblings). That’s all you need to focus on. Thank you for reaching out to me in my time of need  I posted this as it was happening, so I am guilty of "overthinking". A week from now things will be more back to normal. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 9, 2018 12:29:38 GMT -5
GC I think the correspondence you had with you daughter is perfect. Loving, supportive, flexible, and able/willing to be a rock in whatever way the kids need. Good job.
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Post by WindSister on Sept 9, 2018 13:51:37 GMT -5
Don’t remind them about how you were “not invited” to things. Just be supportive. Don’t use the situation as an opportunity to make a dig at the current situation between you and your ex, just show your willingness to help and support. You mentioned “there are times to cast the past aside” and this is one of them. Stop overthinking it and just offer love and support. No matter what the situation with your ex, he was her one father and remained an important part of your family for his remaining years. Yes, it caused difficulties and resentment but that’s over now. Think of what is best for your kids and what they (and she) may need at this time (keeping in mind what DryCreek said about leaving the more emotional things to your ex and her siblings). That’s all you need to focus on. Thank you for reaching out to me in my time of need I posted this as it was happening, so I am guilty of "overthinking". A week from now things will be more back to normal. The feelings will be there. I think strong, genuine, honest people can admit the real feelings such as feeling jilted for not being invited (fake people pretend they are perfect). At the end of the day, it's all about how you respond despite the feelings, etc. You are doing fine. Sorry the loss in your family. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2018 14:48:58 GMT -5
“The feelings will be there. I think strong, genuine, honest people can admit the real feelings such as feeling jilted for not being invited (fake people pretend they are perfect). ”
In the circles of grief, one helps the people who are closer than you were to the deceased, and one requests support from the people who were less close to the deceased.
Thus, the people whom he should support are his children and ex (and support for her could mean not attending the wake). The people for him to express his resentments and to get support from would be his friends and the people at his church, in this group, etc.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 9, 2018 16:12:36 GMT -5
Thank you for reaching out to me in my time of need I posted this as it was happening, so I am guilty of "overthinking". A week from now things will be more back to normal. The feelings will be there. I think strong, genuine, honest people can admit the real feelings such as feeling jilted for not being invited (fake people pretend they are perfect). At the end of the day, it's all about how you respond despite the feelings, etc. You are doing fine. Sorry the loss in your family. Thank you for your condolences. From reading,and learning, your past stories , you can probably relate to what it's like dealing with an ex and family issues. Yes I do "overthink" it. Part of that is the smidgen of concern that I do get invited. Then comes the ex using it against me , telling the teens " I don't know where he is, your father could have come to the funeral". While being very glad I am not there. Some things end up being a double bind, a loose loose, and I can only hope for healing in the future, and press forward with new people and new beginnings. Oh, and lastly, I predict it could get ugly when it comes to the widow Mrs "F" (my ex's narc. mother) and the other three woman of the family ,and how they will move and control as much of grandpa's assets as they can get their hands on. History will repeat itself. I am glad I escaped. |
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Post by JMX on Sept 9, 2018 16:29:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal - that was the perfect way to handle it with your daughter! 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
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