Post by ted on Sept 7, 2018 9:33:57 GMT -5
Hello friends,
One week ago, I stood in front of a judge who declared, "The bonds of matrimony are herby dissolved; you are divorced." Thus ends my long exit, and begins my new life.
If you go back and read my story, you'll see that four years ago I separated and told my now-ex I had decided we were divorcing. I had a hard time following through, went through a few bouts of counseling and nominally "trying again," and once the lawyers were engaged, it went dreadfully slow. My pain and confusion contributed; I didn't push as hard or as efficiently as I could have pushed.
Probably because it's been such a long time coming, the emotions on the fateful day weren't too strong. Still, it's a big deal, and I found the courtroom and judge thing a little intimidating (and a little bit of geeky-fun, to be honest—maybe I should have been a lawyer). We were as cordial and polite to each other as ever. She was as emotionless as ever. In fact, we were divorced in the morning, and then spent three hours that night at the kids' school orientations together, like all the other parents, as if nothing had ever happened. That day kind of typifies our marriage, I guess.
A good friend helped me keep perspective. This is an end, but a well choreographed end, and mostly a new beginning. I think I'm well-prepared for this new life, or at least as prepared as I can reasonably be. I've done a lot of work on myself these last four years, and know I go into the future a different, better person. I won't make many of those same mistakes again. I'm scared, sure, but I'm also quite excited.
I most certainly don't regret any of this, intellectually or emotionally. Those of you who are scared you'll spend the rest of your life regretting a decision to exit—go read my early ramblings. No-one was more scared of that than me, and I tell you now: those fears were part of the process, but in the end, completely unfounded. This was the right thing for me, for my ex, and even for my four kids. No doubts. No everlasting, existential angst. This is life—life being lived—me living life rather than letting it happen to me. I am not a passive traveler to which life happens, I am an active agent who encounters, engages, and makes my life out of the unknown that presents itself each day. I can handle it. You can handle it. The sun will rise each morning.
I really can't say enough to thank you all. I lurked a long time on the old experience project forum, and participated here. I would not be where I am today, I would not be the person I am today, without the benefit of your experiences, your hard-won wisdom, and your generous, vulnerable sharing. Thank you, friends.
One week ago, I stood in front of a judge who declared, "The bonds of matrimony are herby dissolved; you are divorced." Thus ends my long exit, and begins my new life.
If you go back and read my story, you'll see that four years ago I separated and told my now-ex I had decided we were divorcing. I had a hard time following through, went through a few bouts of counseling and nominally "trying again," and once the lawyers were engaged, it went dreadfully slow. My pain and confusion contributed; I didn't push as hard or as efficiently as I could have pushed.
Probably because it's been such a long time coming, the emotions on the fateful day weren't too strong. Still, it's a big deal, and I found the courtroom and judge thing a little intimidating (and a little bit of geeky-fun, to be honest—maybe I should have been a lawyer). We were as cordial and polite to each other as ever. She was as emotionless as ever. In fact, we were divorced in the morning, and then spent three hours that night at the kids' school orientations together, like all the other parents, as if nothing had ever happened. That day kind of typifies our marriage, I guess.
A good friend helped me keep perspective. This is an end, but a well choreographed end, and mostly a new beginning. I think I'm well-prepared for this new life, or at least as prepared as I can reasonably be. I've done a lot of work on myself these last four years, and know I go into the future a different, better person. I won't make many of those same mistakes again. I'm scared, sure, but I'm also quite excited.
I most certainly don't regret any of this, intellectually or emotionally. Those of you who are scared you'll spend the rest of your life regretting a decision to exit—go read my early ramblings. No-one was more scared of that than me, and I tell you now: those fears were part of the process, but in the end, completely unfounded. This was the right thing for me, for my ex, and even for my four kids. No doubts. No everlasting, existential angst. This is life—life being lived—me living life rather than letting it happen to me. I am not a passive traveler to which life happens, I am an active agent who encounters, engages, and makes my life out of the unknown that presents itself each day. I can handle it. You can handle it. The sun will rise each morning.
I really can't say enough to thank you all. I lurked a long time on the old experience project forum, and participated here. I would not be where I am today, I would not be the person I am today, without the benefit of your experiences, your hard-won wisdom, and your generous, vulnerable sharing. Thank you, friends.
