Just Another Challenge

I suppose my PSM experiences are not related to my SM, but more like going from a traditional marriage role to a senior single woman role. It’s been hard, in so many ways, but this aspect (taking on the role of my late husband) is just another challenge. Dealing with the car and mechanics, feeling out of my depth, not knowing anything about car repairs, and feeling like I’m at a disadvantage makes me feel overwhelmed. After a couple of days, and phone calls and visits to different places, not knowing if I’m having the wool pulled over my eyes, by this morning, I just wanted to cry, while making several more calls. At least by talking to several people, I started to pick up on some questions I’m supposed to ask, regarding this one repair, but it’s made me sad missing my husband for the role he played, and having his expertise about car problems, and other things. I don’t grieve for him like I did the first year...time helps with that...but I still miss him and feel very sad, at times, that he’s gone. Dealing with all this “foreign to me” stuff exacerbates it. No one feels good out of their depth, and I’m having to learn new things, which is good in itself, but the process is hard, especially as a senior, I think.

It’s just another challenge in many challenges I’ve faced over the past 3-years, and I’m sure there are more to come. From it comes growth...eventually...but it also makes me feel my aloneness more intensely. Oh for a broad shoulder to rest my head, and loving arms that gives me a respite that I’ve not had in decades. I dreamt of my husband last night. I dream of him frequently. Sometimes it’s a comfort, and sometimes not, but last night was a little comfort. I suppose my mind is trying to find ways to comfort and bolster my fortitude, and give me what I’m missing in real life.

Well, I can only put one foot in front of the other, face these challenges, cry when I need to, and carry on.

Thanks for listening.