catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 14, 2018 23:42:45 GMT -5
I have been doing a lot of internal work the past couple of years and it occurred to me the other day that I may not have been as strongly motivated into self-growth mode if I weren’t in a sexless marriage. (The snarky part of my brain says, “Yeah, it’s because you have all the time you’d normally be having sex or canoodling to think about sh*t.”)
But seriously... this SM business has propelled me to learn about human sexuality and psychology in ways that I might not have otherwise.
What are some of the silver linings you’ve encountered in your SM?
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Post by baza on Aug 15, 2018 0:07:48 GMT -5
I am, these days Sister catsloveme , one happy bloke. I am in the relationship of my life with the alluring Ms enna, I have two kids I love very much, I have a treasured circle of good friends. I've restored good relations with my two Brothers, don't have too many money worries and I enjoy life. A lot. None of this could have happened had it not been for the shit times I went through in my ILIASM deal. And more to the point, what I learned out of that demanding environment. I learned way more about human nature and my own strengths and many weaknesses in that trying situation than I would ever have learned if life had just been cruisy all the time (is it ever cruisy for anyone ?). In a perverse way I am glad I was in that past environment. Taught me heaps. This same question came up back in the EP days, and I was moved to say, if I had to do it all over again, to get to where I am now, I'd do it again. (This drew a chorus of "baz has finally gone crackers" !!!!!) I can't say that my ILIASM deal was a pleasant experience, but it sure as shit was a valuable one. The "silver lining" was a bit hard to see at the time I must confess. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 15, 2018 4:11:52 GMT -5
I met my friend and lover. Honestly if my H would have had lousy sex with me once a month, I would have stayed faithful and never experienced the amazing sex that I have for the past four years. Last month when we were together I told him that too. We do a lot of talking too, lol.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2018 5:48:42 GMT -5
I got to know you fine people. I can call a few of you my friends, and dare say, I can call one of you my best friend.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 15, 2018 6:48:57 GMT -5
I agree about the internal work being prompted by the SM.
But my biggest silver lining is my son. Even though the marriage turned out to be a big fail, we did manage to make an incredible little person.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 15, 2018 8:52:02 GMT -5
I used to teach. I had a student who lost her mother when she was 6. Tragic. At 13 years old her father had remarried and she had a new baby sister that she loved beyond reason. She told me that while she would never choose to lose her mother if she had not she would not have the step mother and sister she had now. This realization helped her let go a bit, helped her see that life is a complicated mess that has tremendous beauty along the way. You cannot know what is in store for you.
And those of us who have given birth know that the greatest beauty comes from a shit ton of pain!
Tragedy, pain ,growth, meaning, love, great sex. All part of the mess!
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Post by shamwow on Aug 15, 2018 9:12:19 GMT -5
I am, these days Sister catsloveme , one happy bloke. I am in the relationship of my life with the alluring Ms enna, I have two kids I love very much, I have a treasured circle of good friends. I've restored good relations with my two Brothers, don't have too many money worries and I enjoy life. A lot. None of this could have happened had it not been for the shit times I went through in my ILIASM deal. And more to the point, what I learned out of that demanding environment. I learned way more about human nature and my own strengths and many weaknesses in that trying situation than I would ever have learned if life had just been cruisy all the time (is it ever cruisy for anyone ?). In a perverse way I am glad I was in that past environment. Taught me heaps. This same question came up back in the EP days, and I was moved to say, if I had to do it all over again, to get to where I am now, I'd do it again. (This drew a chorus of "baz has finally gone crackers" !!!!!) I can't say that my ILIASM deal was a pleasant experience, but it sure as shit was a valuable one. The "silver lining" was a bit hard to see at the time I must confess. I would also do it all over again. The silver lining is worth it. But if I were being totally honest I would have preferred the storm not last 20 years. 10 would have likely sufficed. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 15, 2018 9:42:49 GMT -5
Lots of self processing and introspection here on my end. Also awakened sexual curiosity that had been somewhat dormant since I was distracted trying to get sex in the first place. One observation I make is that our significant others may not be on the same wavelength or even oblivious to the internal work going on. At least in my case. Not sure how to deal with that.
Im due for an update soon. Just not in the sharing mood lately. Suffice to say that Im still staying with one foot out the door to varying degrees depending on the day. For me its the kids. The need to be present as a father is important. Not that Im saying Im the best father by any means, or that you cant be present as a divorced dad. But to my way of thinking and programming, being physically present is important despite how odd that may sound to some.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 15, 2018 11:21:27 GMT -5
catsloveme, as you’ve found, the struggle has forced a degree of introspection that simply wouldn’t have been ‘worth my time to explore’ otherwise. The quest to figure out “What the hell must be wrong with me?” motivated some serious self-study, and I’ve found it really interesting to look critically at my own motivations. And once you start looking at yourself this way, it becomes more natural to see / empathize with the motivations of others. At least for me, it’s influenced how I interact with people. ETA: Also... it’s forced a serious look at what qualities are really essential to me, what’s nice-to-have, and what really doesn’t matter.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2018 21:24:37 GMT -5
I have learned how to repress rage and be calm.
I have learned to plan my day in such a way as to be able to masturbate while she is sleeping or away.
I have learned to suppress my sexual desire.
I have learned to be depressed and not shoot myself.
I have learned to not kill the wench.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Aug 16, 2018 8:35:18 GMT -5
I've really been appreciating this thread. Thank you for starting it. I'll start out my own silver lining list with some piggybacks from the others who have already so aptly replied.
catsloveme, I have also done a lot of self growth. I went through counseling for awhile and found that I wasn't the crazy one and dealt with many of my own issues. I have also worked on my spirituality, kindness, and patience which I needed a lot.
baza, I've also restored some family relationships and even traveled, by myself because my wife said she wouldn't waste the time to go see my mother and other family with me, and I had a thoroughly relaxing and enjoyable vacation by myself. I learned that traveling with just me was better, actually.
And like @andie, I met all you fine people and that has been a blessing. Thank you.
You're right, @workingonit, "tragedy, pain ,growth, meaning, love, great sex. All part of the mess!" are the way we emerge to better things. I haven't found the love and great sex, but perhaps someday.
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo, I've also had the introspection and and self processing. I also agree that our significant others may not at all be on the same wavelength as us about sexual matters and I am like you in that I don't know how to deal with that yet. Also, my curiosity is vibrantly alive. You are admirable for considering your kids first. I've learned to put others before myself, including my wife, and to do everything as though I was directly serving my Lord by doing whatever task it may be. That's a good silver lining for me.
@lostsoul, your list was so apropos for me. I, too, have learned to to repress rage and be calm even when she is raging at me and is flying off the handle. It doesn't help me to get in the same emotional state. Also, I have learned to find times to masturbate and enjoy it well, while she is away. Instead of furtive jerk offs that I have to hide pretend to not be doing, I take time to care for myself by pleasuring myself well. I've learned to be creative about masturbating too. This is the wrong place to go into details. And unfortunately just like you, I have learned to suppress my sexual desire to enjoy being touched, to enjoy slipping inside a loving woman and being intimate, and to give and receive equally. There was a time when I had to also be depressed and not shoot myself. Thanks for being so honest about all those.
And on my own thoughts, I have learned to enjoy times of good conversation with women other than my wife without feeling the need to further pursue them for sex. I don't want to outsource. But, having times where I can converse about just about anything, including some rare times about sex, with a woman makes up for the total inability of my wife to listen. It's great to be listened to and appreciated sometimes.
I've also come to appreciate being alone much more. When I met my wife over a dozen years ago, I felt lonely. Now, I enjoy not having someone who I have to walk on egg shells around. Peace and quiet is nice.
Thank you all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 8:56:54 GMT -5
Honestly, the best thing to happen to me as a result of my (hopefully former) SM was to become a friend and lover to two wonderful women I met through this forum. They are the ones that gave me back my self esteem, they taught me that being sexless was a choice, and one of them taught me what unconditional, pure love really was.
Because of them I am now in a completely different place than I was, and I am eternally grateful.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 16, 2018 9:40:03 GMT -5
I have to say the same. Met some awesome people on this board that have helped restore some sanity and self esteem. Honestly, the best thing to happen to me as a result of my (hopefully former) SM was to become a friend and lover to two wonderful women I met through this forum. They are the ones that gave me back my self esteem, they taught me that being sexless was a choice, and one of them taught me what unconditional, pure love really was. Because of them I am now in a completely different place than I was, and I am eternally grateful. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 15:20:28 GMT -5
I have, at times, been sucked into the vortex of "what about my needs!!!" which is all internal. Being in a SM has helped me look beyond my needs and to be more mindful of others needs and my role in them.
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