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Post by workingonit on Aug 14, 2018 8:17:25 GMT -5
So if you know my story you know that 9 years ago this month we stopped having PIV sex. We then had 5 years of doing other things (mostly me giving him oral) very infrequently (at most once a month). Now he had all sorts of excuses and reasons and, while I suspected the deeper issues I am now very aware of (we never had a healthy sex life), I also believed some of those reasons and sought to fix them. So, having fixed a big one I was very excited to have sex again. As I was very vocal about my unhappiness this whole time I was also very vocal that we would get to gave sex again on xxxx date.
Finally the day arrived. I was flirty and touchy all day, building the excitement. Night arrived, kids asleep, we get in bed and start making out. I say something (again)about how turned on I am and how excited I am to have sex. He stops me and says (exact fucking quote): "I am nowhere near ready for that."
This sentence changed everything. I saw the whole relationship, his sexuality, everything in a different light. I saw his terror, his inability to communicate, the severity of his issues. This is the last night that we had any sexual contact. It was 2014.
Yesterday I was talking to my introverted, intelligent, sensitive and nerdy 17 year old son. He is a real gentle love of a kid. (This is not the one with the problems) We were discussing our time with friends last weekend and he said something about their daughter. I mentioned something about approving if they were to get together. He looked at me with an expression SO like his father and said (direct quote) "I am nowhere near ready for that."
WTActualF??? This is not a common expression!!
How do I help him NOT be his father?!?!
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 14, 2018 10:01:18 GMT -5
I don't have a good answer for that last question. I can tell you you are not alone on that one. My soon to be 16 yr old daughter confines in me, a lot! I hear the stories of these 15 yr. old boys who don't have a clue on how to treat a young lady. She craves their attention so badly! She wants their attention, their friendship and wants conversation and some intimacy. Nowadays much of this is through texting.
She gets no response for hours, she will wright them paragraphs and get a "okay" answer back. Doesn't that sound like a " I'm not ready for that" answer? These BOYS are still playing their Lego games online and hanging with their guy friend from 6th grade.
And yet, this flies in the face of all that I had heard and was expecting, " kids are having sex by age 12. All the girls in the 7th grade are talking about their boyfriends".
The " I am nowhere near ready for that" from your H....... I am so sorry for you!! Please consider it, a major tipping point. The game changer.
I experienced the same thing at the end. I had "the cards on the table talk" with my now ex.
Me: " I want and need sex with you, once a week"
Her: " I don't think I will EVER be ready for THAT"
Me: "(in my mind) you certainly where ready years ago when it fit YOUR needs- when you wanted to procreate"
Then came the DARVO from my now ex, her: " You are being disrespectful"
Me: "disrespectful?14 yrs of no sex? who's the one being disrespectful?"
her: "take me home I don't want to talk about it".
If these aren't huge red flags that counselling is not going to work, that this person sees no reason to change, then I don't know what else to say.
I strongly believe you are moving forward and being true to yourself and for the good of everyone else involved!
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2018 16:09:11 GMT -5
“Yesterday I was talking to my introverted, intelligent, sensitive and nerdy 17 year old son. He is a real gentle love of a kid. (This is not the one with the problems) We were discussing our time with friends last weekend and he said something about their daughter. I mentioned something about approving if they were to get together. He looked at me with an expression SO like his father and said (direct quote) "I am nowhere near ready for that."
It’s possible he’s asexual or low libido or even gay. These things are genetic. For instance, my 30 year old son is as far as I know still a virgin. He also is gay. I remember accidentally seeing a message he sent to a friend when he was 13. My son was saying he was wondering if he is asexual because he didn’t have the sexual urges his friends were always talking about. If that’s the way he is, that’s not something I can influence any more than I can chamgev the shape of his eyes.
It also may be that your son is not ready to date yet, something very common especially with boys. He also may be interested but embarrassed to tell you.
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Post by baza on Aug 14, 2018 16:44:22 GMT -5
Perhaps, Sister workingonit , your sons' statement - "I am nowhere near ready for that" - is based on what you and the rabbi have modelled for him thus far about relationships. In effect "if a relationship like my parents is what awaits me then I'm in no hurry to do it". (Must confess, I am trying real hard to find a positive to this one) |
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Post by workingonit on Aug 14, 2018 17:02:14 GMT -5
I have no problem with my son not being ready to date. In fact, he is really not and that is fine. I prefer this in many ways!
I think it was just the look and the phrasing that struck a cord so deep in me. What are the odds?? I know it is not particularly rational but it felt like a sign of some type, like a message I was supposed to pick up on. I also do not want to push him to be other than who he is but I believe I will talk to him as he gets older about it. If he is asexual or just "mildly sexual" or whatever I would want him to own that and find an appropriate partner.
Ugh. Just the irony was too much not to share.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 18:20:16 GMT -5
I have no problem with my son not being ready to date. In fact, he is really not and that is fine. I prefer this in many ways! I think it was just the look and the phrasing that struck a cord so deep in me. What are the odds?? I know it is not particularly rational but it felt like a sign of some type, like a message I was supposed to pick up on. I also do not want to push him to be other than who he is but I believe I will talk to him as he gets older about it. If he is asexual or just "mildly sexual" or whatever I would want him to own that and find an appropriate partner. Ugh. Just the irony was too much not to share. You have every right to be concerned regarding varied aspects of your son's sexual development. It's therefore perfectly OK for you as a parent to discuss your son's sexuality with him. You hit the nail on the head, in my view, on the following point. Whatever the nature/magnitude of his sexuality, it's important that he's OK with it and honest about it with whatever love interests he forms. This concept is at the heart of many difficulties that members of this group have collectively faced. Many of us selected long-term partners who were either dishonest with us or at least naively lacking insight.
Your concern regarding the risks of training/indoctrination has validity. Yes, many aspects of sexuality are beyond choice. However, neuroses revolving around those aspects are painfully easy to instill. Imagine an otherwise sexually normal youth who is forcibly instructed that sex is evil. Likewise, suppose that a functionally asexual young adult is brow-beaten with the notion that [pick the deity of your choice] wants him/her to have "great sex and lots of it." In both scenarios, outcomes may be quite unfavorable.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 14, 2018 20:52:35 GMT -5
Ugh, that response from your H so long ago hurts my heart workingonit. ((Hugs)) |
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Post by solodriver on Aug 15, 2018 0:20:00 GMT -5
Wish my W would have taken half as much interest in our sex life as you did with your H.
I guess there are some things that are just beyond me to understand. It hurts me to hear men saying these things. I would trade places with him any day.
((Hugs))
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Post by solodriver on Aug 15, 2018 0:58:19 GMT -5
workingonit,
I just remembered something while I was washing dishes and I hadn't thought about this since I was 17!
I grew up with parents who I don't think loved each other. They were continuously arguing with each other the whole time I was growing up.
Because of what I had witnessed growing up, I declared when I was 17 that I was NEVER going to get married. I mean why would I want to be a part of something that looked so unhappy? My parents sure didn't look happy.
Well at 19, after having "eaten of the forbidden fruit" (and losing my virginity), all I wanted to do was find someone whom I could love and be loved by and get married.
After my first wife left me because she thought she got married for all the wrong reasons and didn't want to be married, I declared I will NEVER get married again.
Well 6 months after my divorce, I met and fell in love with my current wife and we got married 2 months later. Of course, sadly over time, this marriage has died from lack of care on her end.
BUT, I DO want to get married again! If I found someone whom I was compatible with sexually and otherwise, I would do it again.
So I guess what I'm trying to share is that feelings change many times over one's lifetime. Just because we feel one way today, doesn't mean it will be that way tomorrow.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2018 3:37:56 GMT -5
“I think it was just the look and the phrasing that struck a cord so deep in me. What are the odds?? I know it is not particularly rational but it felt like a sign of some type, like a message I was supposed to pick up on. I also do not want to push him to be other than who he is but I believe I will talk to him as he gets older about it. If he is asexual or just "mildly sexual" or whatever I would want him to own that and find an appropriate partner. “
I hope that throughout his life you have been giving your son age appropriate information and guidance on sex and romantic relationships. This can be woven into your regular conversations and reactions to tv, movies, reflections on celebrity and others’ relationships. This includes information about the role of sex in marriage and other relationships and the importance of sexual compatibility. Those conversations need to be ongoing not something brought up only, for instance, when the kid is off to college or getting married. If you don’t talk about such thins, your kid still will cobble info together from friends, etc., but tat info maybe wrong.
And of course he is also learning lots from the relationship you and your husband model.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 15, 2018 5:51:12 GMT -5
northstarmom yes I have been talking to my boys about sex and relationships for years. I do not think I have ever talked about asexuality. I have been a huge promoter of communication and openness, of paying attention to your partner, etc. I have not even considered discussing asexuality as a thing but now I will.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 15, 2018 12:45:54 GMT -5
northstarmom yes I have been talking to my boys about sex and relationships for years. I do not think I have ever talked about asexuality. I have been a huge promoter of communication and openness, of paying attention to your partner, etc. I have not even considered discussing asexuality as a thing but now I will. I think we need to rewrite the script for what we tell our children about human sexuality, marriage, etc. Hmmm... sounds like a thread topic. I agree, asexuality is something that needs to be added to the conversation. |
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