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Post by workingonit on Aug 13, 2018 10:08:23 GMT -5
Oh friend. I am so sorry. This is just a shit sandwich of a moment for you.
If it is any consolation August is also my sexless anniversary. August 29 2009 was the last time I had sex.
Sending hugs to you friend. Hope you find your box. But more I hope you find the knowledge that you are worth the effort to break free and find love.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2018 10:12:44 GMT -5
Deciding to divorce is a huge step so I can understand your giving counseling another go even if just to clarify your own thinking about how bad the marriage is. I suggest getting clear with yourself about what will let you know whether your marriage is worth saving or is salvageable.. Put a timeline on that, too.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 13, 2018 10:32:04 GMT -5
Deciding to divorce is a huge step so I can understand your giving counseling another go even if just to clarify your own thinking about how bad the marriage is. I suggest getting clear with yourself about what will let you know whether your marriage is worth saving or is salvageable.. Put a timeline on that, too. This is good advice. In my previous marriage, I had a series of what I call “critical moments” where the handwriting was on the wall. I remember them all vividly even though it has been years. The final one was one day standing in our living room my then-husband asked me what the point of going to counseling was since we both knew things wouldn’t change much. That was confirmation that he would never be able to put in the effort needed to save our marriage. My point is this: Those critical moments will happen and they’ll move you in a direction. Take note of them. When the final one happens, you will know, “that’s it. Unequivocally, that’s it.” Hang in there.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 13, 2018 11:47:07 GMT -5
I don't know what shape your family is in, but the odds are pretty good the kids know.
A year ago, the parents of my younger daughter's boyfriend were probably in a sexless marriage, but the wife had had an affair, they both wanted a divorce, but were sticking it out for the kids. The kids knew. The home was fucking broken to pieces, and it was depressing to see.
I thought my wife and I covered up our problems really good. She would even flirt with me in public. She could keep up appearances. After the kids found out we were divorcing, and why, there were several conversations where they had put two and two together. BTW, my oldest, before she knew, could not WAIT to get out of the house.
I cannot say for sure, but I believe your kids know something big is not right.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 13, 2018 12:14:48 GMT -5
I don't know what shape your family is in, but the odds are pretty good the kids know. A year ago, the parents of my younger daughter's boyfriend were probably in a sexless marriage, but the wife had had an affair, they both wanted a divorce, but were sticking it out for the kids. The kids knew. The home was fucking broken to pieces, and it was depressing to see. I thought my wife and I covered up our problems really good. She would even flirt with me in public. She could keep up appearances. After the kids found out we were divorcing, and why, there were several conversations where they had put two and two together. BTW, my oldest, before she knew, could not WAIT to get out of the house. I cannot say for sure, but I believe your kids know something big is not right. After the divorce I asked my daughter if she knew mom and I had been having troubles (16 at the time). She noted that she hadn't seen us kiss in 6 years (longer actually). So yeah she knew. Wasn't fooling anyone.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 13, 2018 12:37:46 GMT -5
I have talked to my boys- sort of feeling them out. They are both aware we have issues. And they both think we will get divorced. I was shocked. Kids always know
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 13, 2018 12:48:21 GMT -5
I don't know what shape your family is in, but the odds are pretty good the kids know. A year ago, the parents of my younger daughter's boyfriend were probably in a sexless marriage, but the wife had had an affair, they both wanted a divorce, but were sticking it out for the kids. The kids knew. The home was fucking broken to pieces, and it was depressing to see. I thought my wife and I covered up our problems really good. She would even flirt with me in public. She could keep up appearances. After the kids found out we were divorcing, and why, there were several conversations where they had put two and two together. BTW, my oldest, before she knew, could not WAIT to get out of the house. I cannot say for sure, but I believe your kids know something big is not right. My daughter told my sister that we should have divorced YEARS ago!
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 13, 2018 17:25:28 GMT -5
I have talked to my boys- sort of feeling them out. They are both aware we have issues. And they both think we will get divorced. I was shocked. Kids always know Yep, the kids pretty much always know. They see the separate beds, the lack of touch and the dysfunctional communication. Mine were fed up with the bad atmosphere. My 15 year old actually told me recently it's the best thing I've done, to get away from an abusive situation. My 12 year old said he feels better away from the bad feelings. They have both taken it in their stride....they can see I am so much happier, better and free. The only issues seem to be from the years spent living in a dysfunctional situation. So actually, I would look back at my old self and tell her to do us all a favour and get out sooner! I work in a school, and it's the kids stuck with a situation they can't explain or control that are messed up....especially if one parent is controlling. Every situation is different, but think very carefully about 'staying together for the kids'.....they may grow up to wonder why you stayed so long
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 13, 2018 17:28:30 GMT -5
Hot. Humid. Month from hell. 17 Aug 1990 Lost my dear mommy. Became the gloomiest kid in school. 9 Aug 2003 Tied the knot (perhaps a bit too tight) 6 Aug 2011 Last s time I ever, ever, ever had any sex. 8 Aug 2011 Admitted to a mental hospital (Whoa that was quick... well not really if you think about it...) 9 Aug 2011 Celebrating the anniversary alone in the psych ward. ~15 Aug 2011 Released for good behavior/med compliance. Spent the rest of August and part of September home alone as W was afraid to be with me after dark. 9 Aug 2017 W forgot the anniversary. I didn’t make a big deal about it. 9 Aug 2018 W forgot the 15th anniversary. I went to bed determined to call the lawyer the next morning. 10 Aug 2018 Met the day with a not-so-peaceful-easy-feeling. Once I had the house to myself, I went out to the car to retrieve my little “hope chest” (metal lockbox containing some divorce forms/info and $800.00 cash) from its hiding place under the seat... AND ITS NOT THERE!!! Now, I can’t be sure if it was stolen or if I relocated it and forgot (haven’t touched it in a while), but I interrogated the girls and I checked the W’s usual hiding places... nothing! By this time, a mountain of anxiety and a truckload of second-guessing put a halt on my planned phone call. 11 Aug 2018 I woke up the next morning still tied up in a ball. W gets up and I can’t stand the fake facade any longer. I ask her if she remembers what day Thursday was. Once she figures it out I give her the “I can’t take this anymore” speech. Long story short: Were going to try counseling again. Now I know what you’re going to say, and you know what I’m going to say: Snowball’s chance in hell/but I gotta try this one more time. Also, I’m realizing I’m not emotionally ready to split up the family yet. But I can’t stand turning this shit over in my head day in/day out while she prances around here thinking everything’s fine. Happy Monday! I should be working. You will leave when you're ready mentally to take the leap....or until things get so bad you can't take another day. And it helps to know you've done everything in your power to try.. Good to be trying counselling, but be clear about what improvements you want to see, and don't be hard on yourself.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 13, 2018 17:34:26 GMT -5
I think counseling is a great idea and I wish you peace, clarity, and comfort as you work on figuring out what is best for YOU!
I also hope you find that box!
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Post by Dan on Aug 13, 2018 18:02:51 GMT -5
Would you consider writing down what you would like to get out of counseling?
Optionally: share it with us.
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Post by baza on Aug 13, 2018 20:13:32 GMT -5
These life events you have detailed Brother itme , are pretty good roadsigns on the journey. And every one of them presents you with a choice. Keep going this way or not. And if not, then where ? Most of us haven't got a clue as to that "where ?" question...and so we fumble about a bit, but then - in the absence of any viable alternative - we continue on the same path we were already on. Brother shamwow has a statement that appears at the foot of every post he puts up. It says - in very fine print - "Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest"
So "counselling" is the next signpost coming up for you Brother itme . Maybe that will give you some impetus to finding the answer to that "where ?" question above, and once you have that, a whole new ball game starts.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2018 6:20:18 GMT -5
Psdgemi said: “ 1. To understand and be understood. 2. To put a stop to the fakery (tight-lipped kisses, etc.) and replace it w/ something real. 3. To annihilate the status quo. 4. To strengthen either the marriage OR the case for divorce. 5. Little Johnny Cockaroo and the Blueballs had put in a request, but I’m leaving it off the list for now.”
WTH? You came to iliasm because you long to be in a marriage that is sexually fulfilling . This needs to be at the top of your list. If counseling doesn’t achieve that in a reasonable amount of time, then the counseling would have made the case for divorce.
Why the hell would you leave sex off your list? Would tongue kissing and honesty really be enough for you to stay married? That seems appropriate for a 15 year old wondering about whether to break up but such benchmarks seem palty to use for deciding to continue a marriage.
Be very clear from the beginning of counseling that your marriage is on the line and also state clearly what changes would make you choose to stay married instead of divorcing. Say you desire a mutually fulfilling sex life with x frequency of sex.and put a time limit on achieving that.
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Post by Dan on Aug 14, 2018 7:42:02 GMT -5
4. To strengthen either the marriage OR the case for divorce. While I "get" this, when I tried to put this on the table -- the "either/or" thing -- my wife couldn't deal. Her view was "marriage is forever", and "we have to work on it to make it work." The fact that I acknowledged divorce is a theoretical option and admitted that I occasionally think about it was deemed by her to be a DEEP betrayal.... just uttering the possibility and admitting to thinking about it. Will your wife be similar? I guess I'm asking: is this something you plan to drop on the table and discuss openly in therapy? Or is it one of your internal goals for marital therapy? You might be "damned if you do, damned if you don't", in this way: the former may undermine the chance of strengthening the marriage (if your wife gets her feathers ruffled like mine), and the latter may undermine the chance of success (as she is now not aware of the potential cost of failure, and also you two are not necessarily working on the same problem).
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Post by workingonit on Aug 14, 2018 7:55:21 GMT -5
Psdgemi said: “ 1. To understand and be understood. 2. To put a stop to the fakery (tight-lipped kisses, etc.) and replace it w/ something real. 3. To annihilate the status quo. 4. To strengthen either the marriage OR the case for divorce. 5. Little Johnny Cockaroo and the Blueballs had put in a request, but I’m leaving it off the list for now.” WTH? You came to iliasm because you long to be in a marriage that is sexually fulfilling . This needs to be at the top of your list. If counseling doesn’t achieve that in a reasonable amount of time, then the counseling would have made the case for divorce. Why the hell would you leave sex off your list? Would tongue kissing and honesty really be enough for you to stay married? That seems appropriate for a 15 year old wondering about whether to break up but such benchmarks seem palty to use for deciding to continue a marriage. Be very clear from the beginning of counseling that your marriage is on the line and also state clearly what changes would make you choose to stay married instead of divorcing. Say you desire a mutually fulfilling sex life with x frequency of sex.and put a time limit on achieving that. You’re right: it is of utmost importance, but the thing is, until 1-4 are resolved, I don’t want sex or tongue kissing or anything similar. (With her.) The sex issue will definitely be raised as one of our main problems on day 1. I actually totally hear this. The most recent therapist asked if we would do some sex exercises as homework. I said no. I feel that there is so much crap between us, such a lack of connection I am not open to it. However I am also in the "no hope" and "looking to the exit" camp so that may not be where you are at.
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