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Post by baza on Aug 12, 2018 7:12:45 GMT -5
Thought I might relate my coping methods to stay in my marriage back in the day.
I remember back around 2000.
My marital relationship was not going real well but in doing my sums at the time, it did not add up to a "dealbreaker".
So I was staying.
In doing those emotional sums referred to above it seemed to me that although there were plenty of things not so good in my deal, there were also some good things. Not the least of which was that my missus was a really good "Financial Partner"
Finances were something we had agreement on - both tightwads !! and not prone to making stupid financial decisions, and we invested wisely, and never took on any major purchases without consulting each other.
So after a lot of thought "She's a great financial partner, so I will treat her as such"
That meant that I could drop treating her as "wife" and thus have no expectations of her in that regard at all. That actually relieved a lot of pressure all by itself. No pining for sex, or companionship or suchlike.
My missus obviously didn't regard me as "husband" (apart from social occasions - for which we'd put on an act) so this wasn't as difficult as you might think.
Meantime I started expanding my social life outside of the "Financial Partnership" by returning to playing golf and getting involved in my kids sport and suchlike, working longer hours, and catching up with friendships I had neglected over the years.
By this simple expedient, of recognising the reality of our deal (a Financial Partnership) and recognising what the deal was not, and dumping any expectations of those apects, I found a level of serenity.
This worked for over 5 years, which I regard as a success.
Indeed I think that any solution you apply in these situations - if it works for a while - is a success.
So it might be worth your while to have a real close look at your spouse, in particular an aspect your spouse might be really good at. Say, as a parent, in which case you could treat them as a great co-parent, and let the other stuff they are no good at slide.
I got a fair bit of mileage out of this strategy, over 5 years.
It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either.
Might be worth thinking about as a coping method.
I'll stop the story there. What ended up happening further down the track isn't really relevant to the basic thrust of my story, which is, that if you can recognise the reality of your situation, you might be able to play to the relationships strengths, and pretty much ignore the weaknesses, and maybe you can carve out something acceptable....at least for a while.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 23, 2018 2:56:25 GMT -5
Thought I might relate my coping methods to stay in my marriage back in the day. I remember back around 2000. My marital relationship was not going real well but in doing my sums at the time, it did not add up to a "dealbreaker". So I was staying. In doing those emotional sums referred to above it seemed to me that although there were plenty of things not so good in my deal, there were also some good things. Not the least of which was that my missus was a really good "Financial Partner" Finances were something we had agreement on - both tightwads !! and not prone to making stupid financial decisions, and we invested wisely, and never took on any major purchases without consulting each other. So after a lot of thought "She's a great financial partner, so I will treat her as such" That meant that I could drop treating her as "wife" and thus have no expectations of her in that regard at all. That actually relieved a lot of pressure all by itself. No pining for sex, or companionship or suchlike. My missus obviously didn't regard me as "husband" (apart from social occasions - for which we'd put on an act) so this wasn't as difficult as you might think. Meantime I started expanding my social life outside of the "Financial Partnership" by returning to playing golf and getting involved in my kids sport and suchlike, working longer hours, and catching up with friendships I had neglected over the years. By this simple expedient, of recognising the reality of our deal (a Financial Partnership) and recognising what the deal was not, and dumping any expectations of those apects, I found a level of serenity. This worked for over 5 years, which I regard as a success. Indeed I think that any solution you apply in these situations - if it works for a while - is a success. So it might be worth your while to have a real close look at your spouse, in particular an aspect your spouse might be really good at. Say, as a parent, in which case you could treat them as a great co-parent, and let the other stuff they are no good at slide. I got a fair bit of mileage out of this strategy, over 5 years. It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either. Might be worth thinking about as a coping method. I'll stop the story there. What ended up happening further down the track isn't really relevant to the basic thrust of my story, which is, that if you can recognise the reality of your situation, you might be able to play to the relationships strengths, and pretty much ignore the weaknesses, and maybe you can carve out something acceptable....at least for a while. Loved your entire post until I got to the line involving "thrust" at which point I became completely distracted. However, I admire your point and feel I have employed a similar philosophy. When I quit expecting sex as part of the relationship, things got easier. That was around 2010/2012 ish. We haven't since 2012 and ironically now I have no interest in him in that way. I fondly think of the phrase coined here 'hus-bro'. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 23, 2018 7:30:33 GMT -5
This was a good bit of potential guidance as relates to the ability to "recognize what the deal was not, and dumping any expectations of those aspects". I wish I could have done that.
I tried to implement a coping mechanism of "outsourcing" but my misses would have none of it. To me it seemed like a "win-win" for both of us and it might have enabled the marriage to continue perhaps indefinitely had I found a partner.
Like your misses mine had a lot of positive assets on her side of the ledger and we were simpatico on a host of levels. But her "ixnay on the outsourcingbay" was the next to the last nail in the coffin for me. Not being able to enjoy intimacy caused me so many sleepless nights and kept me in a state of anxiety much of the time. My skin was stretched so tight I could barely blink.
Funny isn't it. She wouldn't have sex when we were married, but now that we are divorced she seems more receptive.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2018 8:58:48 GMT -5
For me there were a variety of coping mechanisms.
The good ones included things such as exercise. I ran marathons. I did jiu jitsu (nothing like choking someone into submission to get out frustration). I swam.
I also was very involved in kids activities. I coached, took them on one-on-one adventures, and cultivated shared hobbies as they got older.
My motorcycle was also amazing therapy.
Mixed coping strategies included working multiple jobs. It kept my skills up and brought in income we used to pay off the house. I also got my MBA. I say it was mixed because I did these less because I wanted to and more to start avoiding her in the evenings rather than being shot down.
Poor coping strategies came as the kids got older and I began to burn out on working. These included drinking way too much (I'm a recovering alcoholic now), porn addiction to channel the physical sexual frustration, and sitting my ass on the couch night after night watching the same stupid shows year after year.
As the marriage deteriorated, so did the quality and effectiveness of coping strategies. This continued until I started thinking about how badly it would hurt to wrap that motorcycle around a tree. That's when I knew it was over.
But for a time each of these strategies helped (even the bad ones).
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Post by workingonit on Aug 23, 2018 9:28:03 GMT -5
Coping...hmmm...
For years I believed his excuses and put my head in the sand, focusing on the kids and only bringing up my unhappiness about our sex life every 3-4 months.
I journalled my unhappiness. I exercised. I poured everything into being a mother. I got my masters degree and developed a career for myself. Got sex toys. Read explicit novels. And absolutely accepting my h could not give me what I need.
As I pulled my head out of the sand I needed new coping mecahnisms:
Individual therapy, opening up to friends about what was going on. Developing a social life without him. Taking on my own interests (hiking, exercise, music, writing) and finding people to share them with. This group. Dreaming about a future and exit strategy.
This is still how I cope as I am staying at the moment.
And I still have some unhealthy coping mechanisms: pot smoking, alcohol consumption, flirting and thinking about outsourcing.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 23, 2018 10:18:26 GMT -5
I keep busy with my kids and their activities. I have a son who is a high performance athlete and supporting him in his journey is amazing. We get to travel and meet great people. Kids are fickle and career ending injuries can come at any time so I dont know how long this will last but Im enjoying it while I can.
I enjoy my challenging job and at the same time feel I am on the healthy side of work-life balance. It wasnt always this way.
But looking ahead, there are some things Id like to do. Get back into trail running for instance.
And just last week I started day dreaming about a big hairy audacious post-SM project. To visit 100 countries over a period of 10 years. Maybe spend a month in each. The beauty of something like that is that I can start planning for it today. This of course assumes an SM exit and that the finances are in shape. Im always up for biting off more than I can chew.
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Coping
Aug 23, 2018 10:33:12 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 10:33:12 GMT -5
Coping...in aSM, can be looked at in many different ways.
I continue to read and hear advice about putting yourself first, get a hobby, meet new people, get a FWB, outsource,join meetup groups, volunteer,do anything other than feeling sorry for yourself. All good advice ..to a point.
it is still all head in the sand, avoidance,stalling, denying, procrastinating, retreating, from the lack of respect,truth, submission, and communication needed to end the SM. However these activities and attitude adjustments can also lead you to finally take action to make the necessary changes to heal. When you are ready to confront the problem. Sometimes that means dropping the rope in an endless tug of war and starting over, alone or with someone else.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 23, 2018 11:21:18 GMT -5
Huh? You make it sound like its a mutually exclusive situation. Why couldnt you incorporate coping mechanisms at the same time as working on your SM or planning on an exit. Maybe I misunderstood. it is still all head in the sand, avoidance,stalling, denying, procrastinating, retreating, from the lack of respect,truth, submission, and communication needed to end the SM. |
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Coping
Aug 23, 2018 11:39:18 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 11:39:18 GMT -5
Huh? You make it sound like its a mutually exclusive situation. Why couldnt you incorporate coping mechanisms at the same time as working on your SM or planning on an exit. Maybe I misunderstood. it is still all head in the sand, avoidance,stalling, denying, procrastinating, retreating, from the lack of respect,truth, submission, and communication needed to end the SM. From my years of reading these posts daily that is what most all cases are. "a mutually exclusive situation" where one partner wants to do the work to change and the other avoids it as much as possible. Why change things when they have total control? These coping mechanisms can be good preparation when diligently taking action for the exit, or they can end up being just more avoidance and procrastination. I'm just reflecting on my own experience. my ten years of convincing myself "things will be better when the kids are grown. I need to be here for them. They make me happy, My marriage is irrelevant. I'll find other things to keep me busy and happy." While the no respect, no communication, no sex, no intimacy, slowly eroded away at my self worth and any trust in my spouse. Thank you for asking, I hope I worded that better. |
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