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Post by DryCreek on Aug 11, 2018 17:10:18 GMT -5
Well, goodness...
I agree that this wasn’t a family meeting - it was an ambush, and he generally sounds like he’s being childish and petty. And yes, if there was a need for a non-emergency meeting, it’d begin with an invitation to “please plan to be home for dinner on Sunday so we can talk about XYZ” so folks can come with some thoughts prepared.
My two cents, this kind of issue isn’t for a family meeting - it’s a matter for the couple to discuss privately, not involving a third party, whether it’s their child or not. Nobody else needs to be party to marital debates. If it’s a parenting issue, work it out to conclusion, then jointly discuss it with the kids; they don’t need to “see the sausage being made”, the options they’ve missed out on, the motivations of each parent, and especially the dirty laundry in detail. It creates stress and conflict that they have no power to fix or escape.
And his list of rants about taking a trip sounded like he was grasping for reasons to claim your idea was dumb. Um, pack spare glasses. Make photocopies of your passports. Travel defensively / learn better awareness. Dress like the locals, etc. Instead of living in fear, see the opportunity to learn, and plan for contingencies.
The whole driveway bit sounds like a petty attempt to assert control; lashing out. He probably doesn’t even genuinely give a crap about the parking space; it’s symbolic. In a rational world, the vehicle that gets loaded / unloaded the most (and isn’t dripping oil) is the one that gets the prime spot.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 11, 2018 17:48:18 GMT -5
DryCreek said everything that was going through my head when I read your posts. Except that he did it more eloquently and without swear words. I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of traveling safely without him. When I read the part about “what if you lose the passports and our son loses his glasses” I rolled my eyes. And the cars... that’s totally a control thing. And he loses credibility for his second-citizen comment because he’s treating YOU like a second-class citizen—and a dumb and irresponsible one at that. What a jerk.
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2018 17:59:20 GMT -5
Your run of stories back to July 2017 tend to read similarly to this one Sister mypaintbrushes . What you are specifically in disagreement about changes, sometimes about sex, sometimes about money, sometimes about parenting, sometimes about 'all of the above'. My ILIASM deal was a bit like this back in the day. Anyway, to your question of "How do your families actually do family meetings?" "Very badly" would best describe my experience back in the day. First, trying to get the 4 people involved in one place at one time was akin to trying to herd cats. Then, trying to keep the process on topic was an issue. And invariably someone would lose their temper and storm out (sometimes that would be me, I was no cleanskin in these matters) And, nothing ever got resolved by the medium of our particular version of 'family meetings'. Family meetings were abandoned in our deal, we just didn't have the individual or collective self discipline for it to work. One on one discussions worked "better" with the kids. But with my missus, the accrued levels of resentment (on both our parts) had reached toxic levels and nothing much worked there at all. |
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 12, 2018 20:59:07 GMT -5
Your husband sounds like an all around terrible and petty person. Who puts their kids on the spot like that? Completely inappropriate. Children shouldn't get any say in marriage and family decisions anyway because they're... children.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 14, 2018 5:21:09 GMT -5
Whoa. Rough one.
This sounds like it was terrible for your son. None of this was for him to be a part of.
And WTF on the safety of Europe? And what is your h going to do if your son loses his glasses that you could not do??? Good Lord illogical people drive me nuts.
Sorry you are dealing with this. He us making it kind of easy to make steps forward and away from him, no?
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 14, 2018 7:14:23 GMT -5
I agree that the worst part about this whole thing is that your H subjected your child to this. There was no need for him to be there and likely just created stress and worry for him, which he has no power to do anything about. However, it was in your power to release him from
that... you could have addressed your son directly and said “Name, this is just stuff for me and your father to discuss and you don’t have to be here.” He would have escaped in a flash I am sure.
I remember once a month when I was a kid, seeing my father sitting at the dining room table surrounded by bills and paperwork with a worried look on his face and occasionally seeing him bury his head in his hands. Even THAT did a number on me and is burned into my brain, nevermind if my father had scared me with talking about us losing our house. Comments like that from your H are doing damage to your child’s psyche by eliminating his sense of security, I guarantee it.
Keep that in mind the next time your H calls a “family meeting”. You have the right and the ability to excuse the children from it and tell your H that you two will discuss whatever it is he needs to discuss and then you can decide what to share with your son and HOW to share it. That is horrible parenting on your H’s part.
Doesn’t sound like much of a spouse either.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 4, 2018 15:06:35 GMT -5
While I do think that H's behavior is inexcusable, did he ever came to you privately and disagreed with you before this 'family meeting?' Sometimes my W made these important family decisions without consulting with me and I have disagreements with my W, but I would never bring my kids into the mix. His behavior sounds like someone who thinks that he is losing control.
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 5, 2018 6:53:15 GMT -5
While I do think that H's behavior is inexcusable, did he ever came to you privately and disagreed with you before this 'family meeting?' Sometimes my W made these important family decisions without consulting with me and I have disagreements with my W, but I would never bring my kids into the mix. His behavior sounds like someone who thinks that he is losing control. Nope. This seemed very random. So let me ask you about the trip to Europe. Did you plan this or did he have some say in this. Sounds like from his rant he doesn't sound any. He also had some time to think about it because he had this meeting after his workout. Also, it sounds like he is trying to keep the marriage together otherwise he wouldn't cared about joining in the trip and mentioning that the marriage is in trouble. Sorry, I think I only got one side of the story here. |
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 6, 2018 8:11:35 GMT -5
Let me ask you this... why not just shower and then ask me, privately, if we can discuss the trip? His trying to keep the marriage together by putting our teenager on the spot is causing me to feel the opposite. I think you are talking about the chicken before the egg question. Maybe you should ask why did he call the 'family meeting' in the first place. It sounds like you made the decision to go to the trip without consulting him. Telling him to pay on his own is a definite sign that you don't want him to come along. You made a family decision and left him in the lurch. My W does this kind of crap making dumb vacation decisions all the time and I hate it. Even my W making these dumb vacation decisions, she would have to decency to pay for it as a sign that she wants me to come along. If your H made a decision to go on a vacation and take the kids with him and tells you can come if you want but you have to pay for it, wouldn't you get a little ticked off? |
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 6, 2018 19:48:01 GMT -5
He also took himself to a foreign country for 2 weeks solo after having invited me and then rescinding the invite. The point is not really about the money. Then again, maybe it is money related because you mentioned about having problems getting the 2nd mortgage? Obviously there is a lack of communication between you 2 which caused this problem, which probably festered for a long time. Sometimes fights like this would gets kids in the middle in your case because both of you can't agree what is the best for your child and as a result, you get the good cop and bad cop parenting. I'll give you an example in my case. For my son's birthday, he wants $20 vbucks for fortnite. I disagreed and I told him to wait for the sale of the $5 vbucks promotion with an item because you getting a better deal. Me and my W agreed but a few days later I realized that she brought $20 vbucks. It makes it look like that she was the good mom who brought the gift and I am the bad dad because I am the cheapskate. In your case it seemed that you try to make yourself look better to your son by making your H look bad thus why maybe your H was complaining that others are talking behind his back. I know, I've been there. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2018 19:52:57 GMT -5
How are family meetings run in your house? H just came home from the gym (spent a good hour and a half to two hours there) Ana immediately told our 15 year old and me he was calling a “family meeting”. Something we have never once in 17 – almost 18 – years of marriage done before. Son and I sat on the love seat, he parked himself in a chair sitting directly across from us, and immediately began stating his concerns: “So, I want us to talk about things the family… It sounds to me like you have been talking about me to our son behind my back… It sounds like you want to go to Europe for your longevity and you want to take C with you… And it sounds like you were talking about taking him and not taking me. I think you told him that you weren’t sure whether I was coming with you. Well, I have decided that I’m not going to allow that… If you want to take him to Europe, that is fine, but if you take him, I am going to go with you, and you were not allowed to take him during the school year, although during summer school is fine. But I am coming with you, for safety reasons.”
I asked where was this coming from. He responded that he thinks that we were talking about him behind his back before he went to Costa Rica three weeks ago. I want to go to Spain, Italy, possibly the Netherlands, and possibly Morocco next summer. I have other adults, such as my mom, who have expressed interest in going to Europe as well. So I asked, “What if another adult comes with me?”
He dug his heels: “I’m still not going to allow it. Traveling in Europe is unsafe for Americans. And what if you guys lose your passports, and our son loses his eyeglasses, then what are you gonna do? He doesn’t have good eyesight!”
By this point, I was starting to get pissed. I responded and said “OK, going to stop you right there… This is NOT A family meeting – this is you dictating to us! That is not how meetings work. If you have a meeting, you call ahead of time, and you have an agenda – meetings always have agendas! furthermore, each person who is up to us a parent is asked for their input – this is more you making a unilateral decision.” I explained that I was not participating.
I then proceeded to mansplain more to him how meetings work, since I work in an office and he is a teacher. Not my finest moment, but as I said, I was upset.
he backed off slightly, and then we decided we would ask everyone in the room with they were topics they wanted to bring up… Husband looked at our son and give him a lot of back rent information about how “You know that your mom and I are having trouble in our marriage right now, and I love both you and her, but we both need to change. Do you have any thoughts about that?”
Our son looked like he so did not want to be there. He put another bite of Pirate’s Booty in his mouth, and said “ I am not going to participate in this meeting”. Which was a slight rewording of what I had just said.
I asked about our mortgage refinance that we’ve been working on since May. (It sounds like our charged off second mortgage is probably going to prevent us from being able to refinance at all). Husband responded that he was waiting for a letter from the holder of our second mortgage, which you could then send to the mortgage broker. Then he added that he’s already received a letter from the mortgage company informing us that our Application was rejected, but that he had been told by the broker directly to discount that. Then he turned to her son and asked him if he knew what forclosure was.
So. How do your families actually do family meetings? I feel like I was bombarded with something that had been sticking in his craw, and put on the spot in front of my child.If you are having trouble getting approved for a home refi perhaps you might want to consider a cheaper vacation than Europe. Just my two cents. Oh and he should have had the conversation with you and not involved the child until the adults had come to an agreement. |
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 7, 2018 8:24:37 GMT -5
How are family meetings run in your house? H just came home from the gym (spent a good hour and a half to two hours there) Ana immediately told our 15 year old and me he was calling a “family meeting”. Something we have never once in 17 – almost 18 – years of marriage done before. Son and I sat on the love seat, he parked himself in a chair sitting directly across from us, and immediately began stating his concerns: “So, I want us to talk about things the family… It sounds to me like you have been talking about me to our son behind my back… It sounds like you want to go to Europe for your longevity and you want to take C with you… And it sounds like you were talking about taking him and not taking me. I think you told him that you weren’t sure whether I was coming with you. Well, I have decided that I’m not going to allow that… If you want to take him to Europe, that is fine, but if you take him, I am going to go with you, and you were not allowed to take him during the school year, although during summer school is fine. But I am coming with you, for safety reasons.”
I asked where was this coming from. He responded that he thinks that we were talking about him behind his back before he went to Costa Rica three weeks ago. I want to go to Spain, Italy, possibly the Netherlands, and possibly Morocco next summer. I have other adults, such as my mom, who have expressed interest in going to Europe as well. So I asked, “What if another adult comes with me?”
He dug his heels: “I’m still not going to allow it. Traveling in Europe is unsafe for Americans. And what if you guys lose your passports, and our son loses his eyeglasses, then what are you gonna do? He doesn’t have good eyesight!”
By this point, I was starting to get pissed. I responded and said “OK, going to stop you right there… This is NOT A family meeting – this is you dictating to us! That is not how meetings work. If you have a meeting, you call ahead of time, and you have an agenda – meetings always have agendas! furthermore, each person who is up to us a parent is asked for their input – this is more you making a unilateral decision.” I explained that I was not participating.
I then proceeded to mansplain more to him how meetings work, since I work in an office and he is a teacher. Not my finest moment, but as I said, I was upset.
he backed off slightly, and then we decided we would ask everyone in the room with they were topics they wanted to bring up… Husband looked at our son and give him a lot of back rent information about how “You know that your mom and I are having trouble in our marriage right now, and I love both you and her, but we both need to change. Do you have any thoughts about that?”
Our son looked like he so did not want to be there. He put another bite of Pirate’s Booty in his mouth, and said “ I am not going to participate in this meeting”. Which was a slight rewording of what I had just said.
I asked about our mortgage refinance that we’ve been working on since May. (It sounds like our charged off second mortgage is probably going to prevent us from being able to refinance at all). Husband responded that he was waiting for a letter from the holder of our second mortgage, which you could then send to the mortgage broker. Then he added that he’s already received a letter from the mortgage company informing us that our Application was rejected, but that he had been told by the broker directly to discount that. Then he turned to her son and asked him if he knew what forclosure was.
So. How do your families actually do family meetings? I feel like I was bombarded with something that had been sticking in his craw, and put on the spot in front of my child.If you are having trouble getting approved for a home refi perhaps you might want to consider a cheaper vacation than Europe. Just my two cents. Oh and he should have had the conversation with you and not involved the child until the adults had come to an agreement. I agree. Sometimes people can't admit that they are also the cause of the problem too, judging by her one sentence response to my questions and her deleted her posts. |
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