catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 9, 2018 14:05:09 GMT -5
One thing I’ve continued to struggle with is the implication that our options are binary—stay or leave.
What about “stay and ____”?
I have a good marriage. We are friends. We “get” each other. We have similar interests and goals and help each other learn and grow. We are good partners. We love each other deeply. We have achieved emotional intimacy around a lot of topics. But there’s no sex or physical intimacy. 14 years of that. Neither of us are happy about it but odds are that, even though we’re working on it, things aren’t going to change. I have accepted that this might just be the way our relationship is.
The thought of leaving doesn’t sit well with me. But neither does the thought of just staying—as in, things just staying the way they are now. So I’ve added “stay and___” to my options. I’m still figuring out my “and”. Right now it’s “stay and work on being healthy emotionally, physically, and mentally.” Part of that is being honest and kind with my husband about my feelings about our marriage and the lack of physical intimacy. I’m working on “staying and having courage to be open about my thoughts and feelings.”
What are your thoughts about your own situation and the “stay or leave” dichotomy?
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 9, 2018 14:52:00 GMT -5
I left - got the divorce.
Now I’m back and I’m exercising the stay and outsource option.
There were other things that were problems in my marriage other than sex but we are best friends and we can live together peacefully, as well my family unit is together. The divorce solved a lot of the financial problems.
It sounds like you have a healthy outlook on the situation and acceptance is very freeing.
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Post by Dan on Aug 9, 2018 20:06:46 GMT -5
There are lots of "stay and ______" options. Here are a bunch I can think of:
Stay and embrace your kids (or other reason you are staying).
Stay and resign yourself to a bleak existence.
Stay and basically just start living a separate life: activities, new friends, etc.
Stay and find some sex, intimacy, and/or romance on the side.
... and so on. Then I think I realized there may be just three overarching categories:
Stay and wait for the other party to change.
Stay and work on changing you.
Stay and work on changing you... until you are ready enough to leave... unless they change enough to warrant staying.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 9, 2018 21:19:31 GMT -5
Or stay and fight for your right to have your needs met. I dont know that this works but it is not stay and accept. It may ne stay and become an unbearable broken record nagging about change.
**shudder**
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2018 21:35:43 GMT -5
There are lots of "stay and ______" options. Here are a bunch I can think of: Stay and embrace your kids (or other reason you are staying). Stay and resign yourself to a bleak existence. Stay and basically just start living a separate life: activities, new friends, etc. Stay and find some sex, intimacy, and/or romance on the side. ... and so on. Then I think I realized there may be just three overarching categories: Stay and wait for the other party to change. Stay and work on changing you. Stay and work on changing you... until you are ready enough to leave... unless they change enough to warrant staying. Stay until death. I mean -let's face it -there are those who do that. Many of our parents did, when separating was unheard of. |
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Post by baza on Aug 9, 2018 23:29:20 GMT -5
There are many nuances to the "stay and ............" rationalisation.
Stay and work on it.
Stay and hope it gets better.
Stay and wait for the kids to reach college age.
Stay and cheat.
Stay and wait until I am convinced it is a dead duck.
Stay and wait for the situation to become intolerable - (this was me back in the day...not something I would recommend)
They all make sense to the person holding the particular view and thus are all perfectly legitimate views to hold.
Staying and working on it carries no superiority over any other of the "stay and .........." scenarios.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 9, 2018 23:39:48 GMT -5
Staying and working on it carries no superiority over any other of the "stay and .........." scenarios. Nope. It sure doesn’t. No one choice, whether it is leaving or some flavor of staying, is inherently superior to any of the other choices available. Instead, it’s relative. A particular choice may be superior to the other choices available to any individual. The superior choice for YOU is likely to be different from the superior choice for ME. And that is to be expected, given that we’ re not the same person. Heck, the best choice for me ten years ago is different from the best choice for me today. And hindsight is 20/20. We can’t change the past. We can only move forward. |
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2018 0:39:23 GMT -5
You are quite right in what you say Sister catsloveme . And the leaving choice has underlying nuances to it as well. "Leave and just enjoy life for a while" "Leave and hold yourself open to a new relationship" "Leave and swear off the opposite sex forever" "Leave and rush headlong into another relationship" "Leave and continue your personal growth" "Leave and get on with the rest of your life" One you don't get though is "Leave and your problems are all over" No-one gets that one. You just get a new array of problems, invariably of a more manageable nature. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 23, 2018 9:59:33 GMT -5
One thing I’ve continued to struggle with is the implication that our options are binary—stay or leave. What about “stay and ____”? I have a good marriage. We are friends. We “get” each other. We have similar interests and goals and help each other learn and grow. We are good partners. We love each other deeply. We have achieved emotional intimacy around a lot of topics. But there’s no sex or physical intimacy. 14 years of that. Neither of us are happy about it but odds are that, even though we’re working on it, things aren’t going to change. I have accepted that this might just be the way our relationship is. The thought of leaving doesn’t sit well with me. But neither does the thought of just staying—as in, things just staying the way they are now. So I’ve added “stay and___” to my options. I’m still figuring out my “and”. Right now it’s “stay and work on being healthy emotionally, physically, and mentally.” Part of that is being honest and kind with my husband about my feelings about our marriage and the lack of physical intimacy. I’m working on “staying and having courage to be open about my thoughts and feelings.” What are your thoughts about your own situation and the “stay or leave” dichotomy? I think the part about sharing thoughts and feelings is very hard and I am not sure why. I think I did that early on but my memories are of being shut down. |
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2018 20:10:07 GMT -5
There's nuances to the cheating option too.
"Cheat and .......... "
...hope you don't get caught
...hope you do get caught and bring the situation to a head
...try and keep it on a no strings basis
...hope the fellow cheater is a long term prospect for a new relationship
...hope you don't get a bunny boiler
...hope you don't fall in love
...hope that you do fall in love
...hope it helps you cope with your ILIASM deal
...hope it exposes your ILIASM deal for what it is
.......plus many many more.
This option is by far and away the most adventurous route and has many many nuances to it.
Mostly unpredictable.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 19, 2018 22:31:48 GMT -5
Stay and make it better. She makes me a better person. I don't think I can get over losing her. I just need her to surrender herself to me.
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Post by Handy on Dec 21, 2018 20:49:05 GMT -5
Carl
when my eldest brother didn’t know his own strength, to show him how to be gentle or kind and so he wasn’t.
Something like this happens in elephant packs when there are no adult males around, the young males become very aggressive. This must be some type of mammal trait.
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Post by baza on Dec 21, 2018 21:13:23 GMT -5
I am none to sure that anyone actually likes divorce. Possibly certain types of attorneys maybe. But in my jurisdiction, the law has been "no fault divorce" since 1975. And since then about one third of marriages have ended via this mechanism. Presumably about half of them were not real happy about it. I'd advance this proposition..... That divorce is a valid option to bring to resolution a dysfunctional marriage and that in and of itself, it is neither a bad thing, or a good thing. What makes it a bad (or good) thing is how the spouses conduct themselves in the lead up to, during, and after the divorce takes place. Presumably with your parents, their conduct wasn't all that great in that respect. Now, to be absolutely clear, I am NOT suggesting you ought to divorce Brother carl. I am not suggesting that in any way shape or form. But I am suggesting that in the event that you did, it is not written in stone that you would replicate your fathers somewhat abrupt departure or his lack of contact after. Perhaps under the same circumstances you might go about such a thing in a far more empathic and thoughtful and considerate and respectful manner. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2018 21:21:03 GMT -5
Countless options indeed with no guarantees or ways to know what is the "right" decision. Sometimes I think we just have to take a leap of faith and make our best guess. For myself I know if not solved, eventually the pain will become intolerable and I will choose peace over whatever idea I had of what my life was going to look like. Hell, this last time I was even willing to let the house go after my son graduates in June. I love my house and am most proud of being able to keep it on my own after my 1st divorce. Last weekend I didn't even care and said we'd get thru til June, my son will go off to college and I will sell it and get a small condo for my daughter and I. NEVER would that have been an acceptable option. NEVER! Enough pain, over a long enough period of time changes you. If my marriage ends, that's still my plan. My own peace trumps everything. I can and do tolerate a lot, but when I'm really really done, I'm done. I will choose me over him. I will choose peace.
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