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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 15:09:30 GMT -5
Just my 5 pence worth, Anger is the most cancerous of emotions, it can do no one any good whatsoever, I have found it a lot easier to all parties concerned to let it wash over me, knowing that all things pass eventually Now hanging on to anger after it's played it's role in getting you moving, that's when it becomes a cancer. Anger is supposed to be a temporary boost, not a state of living. Clearly, and succinctly stated @mountainrunner. Anger, as energy, may be harnessed to propel us out of our holding patterns or ruts. The key is to let go of the anger, once we've moved forward. Regusers, are nothing, if not consistent. We DO have control over OUR reactions/anger, to their set patterns of behavior. For me it goes back to the adage that "you can change yourself, you can change your situation, or you can get out." None are "easy," sadly. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 7:29:01 GMT -5
Just my 5 pence worth, Anger is the most cancerous of emotions, it can do no one any good whatsoever, I have found it a lot easier to all parties concerned to let it wash over me, knowing that all things pass eventually I actually disagree with you here, at least partially. Anger can be enormously helpful in giving you the energy to change something. Anger can give you the courage to stand up for yourself. Anger can keep you fighting when you get tired. If I hadn't been angry this last week, I would be curled up in a ball somewhere dark hoping it would all just go away and my STBX would be doing a happy dance. Now hanging on to anger after it's played it's role in getting you moving, that's when it becomes a cancer. Anger is supposed to be a temporary boost, not a state of living. I agree with @mountainrunner on this. Like baza there was a lot of sadness in me , and for me, guilt, during the time between when my ex moved out, and the eventual selling and my moving out of our house which was the true split of our marriage. During that time, and just before when it was apparent that the divorce was inevitable, my ex's anger and control issues skyrocketed. My resentments, which I feel is the true cancerous underpinning of anger that SweepyBear is referring to, burst out. I used my newfound self-respects feelings of righteous anger to fight against her assaults on all of my buttons she knew so well from our years together. My flashes of anger back at her were definitely out of character for me, throwing her off track. But the anger I felt from the release of my resentments finally gave me the strength to continue to make the changes needed, the courage to stand up to her, and the driving force for me to overcome my own feelings of sadness and guilt. It is a dangerous tool, especially in the hands of someone like me who had repressed years of anger and resentments, and by nature is not an angry person. I was also unused to controlling the levels of that anger and did damage with relationships with others along the way who were not used to seeing me express any anger for those years. With my grown daughters in particular, these new outbursts between their mother and I, as well as my expression of my resentments about the marriage, reminded them of their early childhoods of growing up in such a dysfunctional house. I am still in the process of repairing some of those relationships with them. I paid a price for the use of that anger, righteous or not. The good news is, that anger disapated, the very moment I closed the back doors on the moving van, and drove away from that house and into my new, single life. With therapy, I'm learning how to set boundrys and actually control my new self-esteems healthy righteous anger with all people, as well as the dwindling contacts I have with my ex, to avoid building any resentments. With her, it continues to be a state of living. With me, it was an enormously helpful tool, that I've since let go of now that it's need has passed. |
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 10:33:08 GMT -5
Hmmmmm.....So she is putting her money into a separate account you can't access while using your income to finance the marriage. It sounds to me like she is putting together Plan B. she has to see that you are increasingly upset or angry or disillusioned at what is happening within the marriage. Her squirrelling away her income reads like she is either making preparations to leave one day or getting ready for when you do. Are you sure you can't access that account? Because depending on the law in your jurisdiction that might be your money too. Well, I cannot access the account because I am listed on it. However, in a divorce, I am entitled to the funds. That would take a court order, but since I am a lawyer, that is not a problem. She, however, does not know this. |
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 11:12:14 GMT -5
And I am not nearly as angry as I was last week. I am not going to deal with her. I will just let my lawyer deal with her.
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Anger
May 23, 2016 11:32:48 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 11:32:48 GMT -5
Are you sure you can't access that account? Because depending on the law in your jurisdiction that might be your money too. Well, I cannot access the account because I am listed on it. However, in a divorce, I am entitled to the funds. That would take a court order, but since I am a lawyer, that is not a problem. She, however, does not know this. Ok just curious. In my state anything acquired during the marriage is joint property, so I would guess that if my ex had started putting money away I could have demanded access to it. But yeah if you mean practically speaking can you get to it without getting the courts involved, that's a different matter! |
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 12:41:05 GMT -5
And I am not nearly as angry as I was last week. I am not going to deal with her. I will just let my lawyer deal with her. That's the ticket. I stopped answering her phone calls, and now just ignore a lot of her text's unless it has to do with some lingering legal issue, our kids or grandchildren. With the divorce final, my dealings with her have diminished greatly, something I'm very glad to see. |
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