Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 9:46:39 GMT -5
I have been away from the refusing bitch for almost 3 months now. I met with her once, on the advice of someone I respect, and tried to talk to her about a book he had recommended. I could not get the words out of my mouth before she started telling me again why everything was my fault. I kept asking her if she wanted to hear me out, but she never did.
I am starting to realize that I am becoming more and more angry at her. I no longer have any sexual attraction to her and I am beginning to really hate her. How dare she end my sex life and tell me that it is all my fault!! Who the hell does she think she is?
Has anyone else started to feel hatred towards the refuser?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 9:59:35 GMT -5
While still feeling trapped in the marriage, I don't know if I would say outright hatred, but definitely resentment and no feeling of love. Now that I'm free though, all of that has dissipated and affection (platonic obviously) for my refuser has even returned to an extent. Granted he is a decent human being, if he was an asshat I may feel differently.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 11:47:03 GMT -5
While still feeling trapped in the marriage, I don't know if I would say outright hatred, but definitely resentment and no feeling of love. Now that I'm free though, all of that has dissipated and affection (platonic obviously) for my refuser has even returned to an extent. Granted he is a decent human being, if he was an asshat I may feel differently. That is the problem. My refuser was/is a very controlling, angry person. In addition to the refusal, she had begun to put her entire paycheck into a separate account that I could not access. She still wanted to write checks out of our joint account. And she wanted to control everything I spent. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 18:30:23 GMT -5
If you've read any of my recent posts, you know I am also dealing with a controlling refuser. There have been times when I have felt hate toward him, but it doesn't last, thank goodness. I have a ton of resentment, not only from how he treated me during our marriage, but from the insane bullshit he's putting me through now. I cycle in and out of anger - frankly it's easier when I'm angry. At least when you're angry, you're motivated to change things and you don't feel so vulnerable.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 20, 2016 19:02:51 GMT -5
"Anger" was one of a myriad of emotions I had as my dysfunctional deal played out to its' inevitable conclusion.
It wasn't the 'dominant' emotion though (sadness was).
-
If this level of anger you describe continues Brother flashjohn, it might be smart to run it all past a counsellor.
Some anger under the circumstances is probably quite normal and healthy, but if you are "becoming more and more angry at her" as you say, that doesn't sound terribly healthy.
|
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on May 20, 2016 19:17:23 GMT -5
Anger, no. In spite of all I have gone through with her, my wife is basically a sweet person. But I do get resentful - very resentful. And I also feel pity. She can't get out of herself and enjoy life. She can't enjoy me!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 23:14:43 GMT -5
Anger, no. In spite of all I have gone through with her, my wife is basically a sweet person. But I do get resentful - very resentful. And I also feel pity. She can't get out of herself and enjoy life. She can't enjoy me! My situation was a lot like this. I felt guilty for feeling anger and resentment at The Poor Sick Guy (TM.) He did and does have legitimate problems. But he could not be persistent about doing his part to solve them. He could not accept the love and comfort and help that I had to give. (And maybe what I could give, did not match up with what he could accept. But I can't be anything other than what I am.) Anyway - I went around and around in circles of feeling anger and resentment, because his lack of resolve regarding his problems was having the result of pissing both of our lives away. Then I would feel guilty about being mad at The Poor Sick Guy (TM). Then I would get angry that our lives were getting pissed away on this crap.... Lather, rinse, repeat. I had to detach - I had to let go of the need to solve his problems, or at least to keep monitoring him to make sure he was solving his problems. I had to put the responsibility for his health and well-being back into his hands. And I had to take the responsibility for my happiness out of his hands, and hold it in my own hands, and claim it. When I was able to get all the responsibilities into the right hands, I was able to stop getting angry and feeling resentful. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on May 21, 2016 2:34:25 GMT -5
Did you ever read up on the Stages of Grief? When somebody dies, or a relationship ends, it is normal to cycle through a number of stages and anger is very definitely one of them. I think it sounds pretty healthy as you start to take stock of what you went through in your marriage and find yourself again. But talking it through with a counsellor might not be the worst idea.
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on May 21, 2016 4:24:47 GMT -5
I have been very angry for a long time, and very tired. I am feeling frustrated very often, but most of the time I am feeling empty and aware of a great void.
|
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on May 21, 2016 7:08:46 GMT -5
I dealt with feeling angry and resentful. I also felt guilty because my ex also had health issues. I had to take a step back and see that he used his health issues as a crutch and an excuse to not have sex. After I did that I was better able to manage those negative feelings, and see that he was not going to change himself to try and help the marriage. I had to deal with the anger and resentment after the divorce, too. He found someone else, and got remarried. And I know they have/had sex and the anger and resentment over him being able to have it with her and not me appeared. It has taken time to work through that! In the end, being away from him is the best thing for me. Seeing him less and less often has also helped in the healing process.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 21, 2016 7:44:32 GMT -5
While still feeling trapped in the marriage, I don't know if I would say outright hatred, but definitely resentment and no feeling of love. Now that I'm free though, all of that has dissipated and affection (platonic obviously) for my refuser has even returned to an extent. Granted he is a decent human being, if he was an asshat I may feel differently. That is the problem. My refuser was/is a very controlling, angry person. In addition to the refusal, she had begun to put her entire paycheck into a separate account that I could not access. She still wanted to write checks out of our joint account. And she wanted to control everything I spent. Hmmmmm.....So she is putting her money into a separate account you can't access while using your income to finance the marriage. It sounds to me like she is putting together Plan B. she has to see that you are increasingly upset or angry or disillusioned at what is happening within the marriage. Her squirrelling away her income reads like she is either making preparations to leave one day or getting ready for when you do. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Anger
May 21, 2016 12:16:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 12:16:27 GMT -5
That is the problem. My refuser was/is a very controlling, angry person. In addition to the refusal, she had begun to put her entire paycheck into a separate account that I could not access. She still wanted to write checks out of our joint account. And she wanted to control everything I spent. Hmmmmm.....So she is putting her money into a separate account you can't access while using your income to finance the marriage. It sounds to me like she is putting together Plan B. she has to see that you are increasingly upset or angry or disillusioned at what is happening within the marriage. Her squirrelling away her income reads like she is either making preparations to leave one day or getting ready for when you do. Are you sure you can't access that account? Because depending on the law in your jurisdiction that might be your money too. |
|
|
|
Anger
May 22, 2016 11:36:17 GMT -5
Post by SweepyBear on May 22, 2016 11:36:17 GMT -5
Just my 5 pence worth, Anger is the most cancerous of emotions, it can do no one any good whatsoever, I have found it a lot easier to all parties concerned to let it wash over me, knowing that all things pass eventually
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 14:30:30 GMT -5
Just my 5 pence worth, Anger is the most cancerous of emotions, it can do no one any good whatsoever, I have found it a lot easier to all parties concerned to let it wash over me, knowing that all things pass eventually I actually disagree with you here, at least partially. Anger can be enormously helpful in giving you the energy to change something. Anger can give you the courage to stand up for yourself. Anger can keep you fighting when you get tired. If I hadn't been angry this last week, I would be curled up in a ball somewhere dark hoping it would all just go away and my STBX would be doing a happy dance. Now hanging on to anger after it's played it's role in getting you moving, that's when it becomes a cancer. Anger is supposed to be a temporary boost, not a state of living. |
|
|
|
Anger
May 22, 2016 14:35:19 GMT -5
Post by SweepyBear on May 22, 2016 14:35:19 GMT -5
It'd be a dull old do, if we all agreed  |
|
