|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2018 9:03:42 GMT -5
So I've been divorced for a year. I'm in an amazing relationship. My kids are doing great. And I'm still scared of my ex wife. See, when we divorced, I wanted the custody arrangement to be one week with mom, one with me. She literally yelled "I will FIGHT you" at the mere suggestion. In Texas and in other places, the deck is seriously stacked against fathers. The assumption of the state is that it is in the best welfare of the children to be with mom except the first third and fifth weekend of the month. Also Thursday evenings. Given some of the shit head dads I've seen they might be right. But if you want to fight you have to drag the kids in front of judges, lawyers, and social workers and essentially make them pick. I love my kids too much to do that. Unfortunately in California where ballofconfusion lives it is alternating weeks. The first half year we were together it was tricky. But at the beginning of the year, I talked my ex to switch to alternating weeks with the same days. She agreed to do this because I am essentially giving up 4 weekends per year. In reality, there is little difference between alternating weeks and the previous schedule on a week to week basis. Now, let me point out that this is an informal arrangement that she could back out of at any time. This, of course, would throw a giant monkey wrench into BOC and I seeing each other. We'd figure it out but it would be pretty shitty. So I live in fear that this woman who had power over me for 20 years still has a sword over my head. This summer I arranged the custody so that we woukd alternate weeks. When I asked the kids what they thought of the schedule my daughter was ambivalent and my son thought it was much easier. So I sent my ex an email suggesting she also ask the kids what they thought and suggested we carry it forward. Well my daughter was ambivalent but supposedly my son liked the summer schedule but said NO (yes in caps) and then articulated all the reasons he rejected this idea. This from a 14 year old boy who's main responses when asked a question are "ok", "cool", "I don't know", and "I don't care". Uh huh. She also expressed concern because she is taking classes at the community College and I guess is worried to leave the almost 18 year old home alone with the 14 year old one night every two weeks. So no go for the fall. And I'm scared to push things. Because at any time she could pull the nuclear option and revert back to the decree (even just to spite me). ballofconfusion crafted an email reply to her that I would love to send. But I was scared as hell to send it lest I provoke my ex. Then my baby suggested that I call my attorney and see about getting the current arrangement (which isn't what I want but can live with) added to the decree so that she hold that over my head and I don't have to live in fear. But..... That will cost thousands of dollars. They will have to re open a new case, blah blah blah. Fear run amuck. Again, she suggested that I contact my attorney and see how things would shake out. Good advice. Somehow familiar...😂 Get our current agreement filed with the court. From there, she can't touch me. Then I can start letting the kids know I wish I could spend more time with them. I've never done this because I've been afraid of my ex and didn't want to rock the boat. That's fucked up. Maybe they DO want to spend more time with mom than me. But I still suspect they would prefer equal time. But it will no longer be a question of me being scared to ask because my ex can lower the boom on me at any time. I'm tired of living in fear. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2018 9:15:31 GMT -5
Hmmm... Meant to post in "post sexless marriage". Admin could you move? |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2018 11:54:40 GMT -5
First talk to your son, maybe even show him the email and ask him if he said that just to verify whether your ex is being truthful or manipulative.
Then cautiously proceed from there.
One thing I know for sure - In the long run your ex will be the big loser here and if she is being dishonest then she should be the one with fear because Khama does not have a set menu, she will get what she deserves.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2018 13:26:20 GMT -5
First talk to your son, maybe even show him the email and ask him if he said that just to verify whether your ex is being truthful or manipulative. Then cautiously proceed from there. One thing I know for sure - In the long run your ex will be the big loser here and if she is being dishonest then she should be the one with fear because Khama does not have a set menu, she will get what she deserves. Talk with son? Of course. Before I felt compelled not to try to "influence" the kids since that's the quickest way to "use" them. It will also give me insights as to how their conversation really went down. But showing him correspondence between mom and I? I don't see any good that can come of that other than starting a fight. And in that fight she holds all the cards. So it's a conversation with my attorney (on vacation at moment). My ex agrees with the new arrangement since she gets 4 extra weeks. So get it put into the decree. Unload her gun. Then I can have conversations without fear the ex gets pissed and blows everything up. But for now? Treading lightly. |
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Aug 2, 2018 13:50:49 GMT -5
I think treading lightly is your best course of action right now. Talk you your lawyer and ask what he thinks. My instinct is that your ExW will not agree to any formal changes because she wants to be able to go back to the standard visitation whenever she wants.
I am sorry my friend, but your son is 14, so there will only be 4 more years of this.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2018 14:03:44 GMT -5
That really makes sense! It will all work out.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 2, 2018 21:39:44 GMT -5
This is not helpful in any material sense Brother shamwow - it is more of an observation. These issues you are dealing with sure are way "better" problems to have rather than the intractable problems inherent in being in an ILIASM shithole. You are some chance of negotiating your way through these "better" problems. And a resourceful bloke like you, operating with a great ally and sidekick with you, I am not seeing too many matters that "Team BallofShamwow" cannot handle. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 3, 2018 6:50:15 GMT -5
I think treading lightly is your best course of action right now. Talk you your lawyer and ask what he thinks. My instinct is that your ExW will not agree to any formal changes because she wants to be able to go back to the standard visitation whenever she wants. I am sorry my friend, but your son is 14, so there will only be 4 more years of this. As part of treading lightly, though, I will start having conversations with my kids about this. For example, they have no idea that I would like to spend more time with them. That's because I've never told them. And that's because I didn't want to try to undulely influence them. However there is a difference between letting them know I love them and wish in could spend more time with them and "you should tell mom x, y, z" The former is honest and straight forward (and with no need to walk on eggshells). The latter is manipulative and is using the kids. Of course if the kids ask why we have this arrangement I can honestly tell them because that's how the original divorce worked out and I didn't want to drag them in front of judges to choose. Etc. If they ask about that? Then I can factually say because mom yelled she would fight me if I wanted them half the time. And I believed her. The idea is to let my kids know I love them. Let them know I want to spend more time with them. Let those chips fall where they may. Perhaps they DO want to spend more time with mom. Maybe they just want to leave well enough alone. But if they want to spend equal time? Well, I'm firing up the lawyer in the background. So treading lightly, talking with and listening to the kids, and if necessary, prepared to go to the mat if necessary. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2018 7:20:35 GMT -5
I don't have any good advise right now just an " I hear ya". That FREEDOM that came with a divorce also has a invisible umbilical cord attached to it for the next 5 to 6 years called "the teens".
My ex loves to play the "Uncovered Health Care Expenses" card to the max. Very soon will be the "required to provide transportation for the child" card.
I agree to share my part of these expenses, however, when these expenses get sent to me, and I have had zero say in the decision, that will not be tolerated. The bad part is when it means paying an attorney again.
Then there comes the time when I have to explain the problem to my teens. They're not kids anymore they are older teens, and they are showing more maturity than their mother. Exceeding her maturity level and not tolerating her manipulation like in the past. A strong part of me feels it is my duty to teach them " don't do as I did". "You can say no, you can and do have a voice."
Life lessons, how much our sons and daughters already know? and when to go there? All a delicate balance.
Every time I receive an email from my ex it strikes fear. I get a "OMG what now? Can't she just leave me alone? It's going to involve money! and control!" Sometimes I have to wait a few hours to read it, then I need a few days to word it all and say "NO...that is not going to happen I refuse." (remember I learned from the best when it comes to saying no and refusing LOL!)
The more transparent and open with communication with my teens, the more I learn that they would rather be with me, and that mom has the money factor. Also they can't wait to get out on their own and get away from it all. There have already been times when I have had to read the parenting plan to them explain to them "this is what your mom wanted, I agree it's not needed,but it's only two more years".
|
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Aug 3, 2018 9:44:10 GMT -5
Yep. I understand the fear. My son is 11. Seven more years.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2018 16:40:43 GMT -5
Unfortunately in California where ballofconfusion lives it is alternating weeks. Well my daughter was ambivalent but supposedly my son liked the summer schedule but said NO (yes in caps) and then articulated all the reasons he rejected this idea. This from a 14 year old boy who's main responses when asked a question are "ok", "cool", "I don't know", and "I don't care". Uh huh. She also expressed concern because she is taking classes at the community College and I guess is worried to leave the almost 18 year old home alone with the 14 year old one night every two weeks. . But I was scared as hell to send it lest I provoke my ex. But..... That will cost thousands of dollars. They will have to re open a new case, blah blah blah. Fear run amuck. Again, she suggested that I contact my attorney and see how things would shake out. Good advice. Somehow familiar...😂 A couple of things to share, I hope they are helpful. I am paying off my dept to my attorney with monthly payments. I hand deliver them. I pretty much know when they are in the office. It gives me FREE TIME, I ask questions to my attorney in the lobby, no extra attorney fees! In Fl. my attorney also began with some kind of Sat-Thur with every other Wednesday??? ( I don't know where they get this stuff!) I was the one who requested one week on one week off, exchange on Sunday evenings. Pretty simple (i thought )and easy to remember. Fortunately I got my wish. My ex did not take long to go back to" her one way street paved with double standards" when it came to communicating through the children. My 17 yr old son comes to me and tells me " mom says I should talk to you about putting my name on your auto insurance and lowering her rate." My immediate response, " she can email me about that". I am certainly not going to bring it up or go anywhere near it. This from the same woman who during the divorce texted me "do not have the children ask me things, text my attorney". I responded back " my attorney was the one who advised me to ask our son to ask you". My checks arrived 20 days late. Different checks, different numbers, different dates, and a lesser amount than what my ex sent to her attorney. it's not the amount (less than $10.00) it's the principle! Once I allow her an inch she is going to try and take my kidney! I document it and send it to my attorney. It will take months for another court date, which isn't so bad, let these things pile up as I continue to document all of it. I also plan to stick her with the legal fees. I am in a more fortunate position than you. I am more in the woman's shoes, being Mr. stay at Home dad/homeschooler for 20 yrs. and my ex's high income. That is still not slowing her down one bit when it comes to trying to regain, or hold back $$$. Recently my ex decides on her own that the teens should see the child psychologist. The same one she avoided and never asked to have the children see all during the divorce. Our parenting plan states that these things have to be agreed upon. That does give either one of us the power to say "no" and if one of us still feels the need, for the good of the child ,then either one of us can pay for it ourselves and someday take it to court. That is exactly , most likely ,what will happen. Only this time I am the one saying "no" and don't see the need for it. I live in fear off what manipulative mind game she is trying to play. It is also a new day, and a new way to see her behavior when everything is not done her way. |
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Aug 7, 2018 13:07:25 GMT -5
However there is a difference between letting them know I love them and wish in could spend more time with them and "you should tell mom x, y, z" The former is honest and straight forward (and with no need to walk on eggshells). The latter is manipulative and is using the kids. That is an excellent way to proceed. There is nothing wrong with telling them that you want to spend more time with them.
I am so sorry that your ExW has that attitude. I see a lot of women like that. They get their identities from the kids, and when the kids are gone, they have lost their relationships with their husbands. Of course, men can do the exact same thing.
But I know how apprehensive a person can get. I am not afraid of anything but dealing with my refuser. Mediation is Thursday, and I am having trouble sleeping. I should not worry about it because she can't really do anything but refuse to settle. I will just follow my attorney's advice.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2018 16:46:56 GMT -5
However there is a difference between letting them know I love them and wish in could spend more time with them and "you should tell mom x, y, z" The former is honest and straight forward (and with no need to walk on eggshells). The latter is manipulative and is using the kids. That is an excellent way to proceed. There is nothing wrong with telling them that you want to spend more time with them.
I am so sorry that your ExW has that attitude. I see a lot of women like that. They get their identities from the kids, and when the kids are gone, they have lost their relationships with their husbands. Of course, men can do the exact same thing.
But I know how apprehensive a person can get. I am not afraid of anything but dealing with my refuser. Mediation is Thursday, and I am having trouble sleeping. I should not worry about it because she can't really do anything but refuse to settle. I will just follow my attorney's advice.
It is interesting the choice in your avatar. In the movie Troy Achilles is asked by the young boy if he was afraid to fight the big scary guy. The kid says he would be. Achilles replies "that is why nobody will remember your name" It's funny how fear of her can loom large in my mind just as fear of your stbx looms in yours. This despite the fact they no longer have any true power over us. My hope is that in time I won't even have to remember her name. Aside from kid stuff that mostly is the case. The same will hold true for you and your ex. |
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Aug 8, 2018 11:13:42 GMT -5
It is interesting the choice in your avatar. In the movie Troy Achilles is asked by the young boy if he was afraid to fight the big scary guy. The kid says he would be. Achilles replies "that is why nobody will remember your name" It's funny how fear of her can loom large in my mind just as fear of your stbx looms in yours. This despite the fact they no longer have any true power over us. My hope is that in time I won't even have to remember her name. Aside from kid stuff that mostly is the case. The same will hold true for you and your ex. Thank you Shammy. I guess my apprehension is knowing that I have to stay calm in the face of her craziness. She will say the most horrible things to me and about me that I have ever heard. Luckily, she tempers herself a bit when there is an audience. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 8, 2018 12:35:50 GMT -5
It is interesting the choice in your avatar. In the movie Troy Achilles is asked by the young boy if he was afraid to fight the big scary guy. The kid says he would be. Achilles replies "that is why nobody will remember your name" It's funny how fear of her can loom large in my mind just as fear of your stbx looms in yours. This despite the fact they no longer have any true power over us. My hope is that in time I won't even have to remember her name. Aside from kid stuff that mostly is the case. The same will hold true for you and your ex. Thank you Shammy. I guess my apprehension is knowing that I have to stay calm in the face of her craziness. She will say the most horrible things to me and about me that I have ever heard. Luckily, she tempers herself a bit when there is an audience. Most bullies do. |
|
