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Post by javba on Sept 4, 2018 8:29:22 GMT -5
If leaving was easy you would have done it sooner.
The future can only be different if it doesn't resemble the past.
Legal separation may be an option, but again that's just a passing thought I'm sharing
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Sept 10, 2018 20:56:57 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! Hi sadkat, I'm a little late to this thread, but I want to jump in because I'm in a similar situation. I'm 33 years old, been with my husband 7 years, married for 4. We do not have children. Our marriage has been sexless (once every 6 weeks or so) since we got married. Before that, it was 100% my initiating 3 or 4 times per week. We did not have sex on our honeymoon, or birthdays, holidays, or vacations, or any other time two young, newlyweds should (he is 42 now, with no physical ailments that would prevent him from doing so). I noticed within a few months of marriage that he just wasn't "into" me; he never initiated, never did anything to come on to me, no longing glances or acknowledgments. He never notices me. I've spent the last 4 years asking him a number of things directly. Is he: asexual? gay? low libido? into porn? having an affair? something else? He denied all of these things other than to admit he masturbates in the shower 3-4 times per week just as a need to release. I've spent the last 4 years working on myself - I killed myself with a bad diet and going to the gym 6 days/week to lose 30 lbs, thinking he wasn't attracted to me. I stopped getting dressed/undressed in front of him because I was ashamed of the body that he apparently wasn't attracted to. I cried a lot. I yelled a lot too. I eventually spent the last 2 years "calming down" and trying not to be "too much" so he could feel comfortable enough to approach me. It really screwed with my mind. Two months ago he admitted after lying to my face that he used porn to get off. He fails to admit this, but he does in fact prefer that to a sex life with me. I know it's not infidelity, but it sure feels like it. When he lies to me for years about it, and then uses it as a replacement to connecting with me. I finally have my answer to "why" we don't have a sex life, and you know what? It doesn't change my feelings about the marriage that I know will eventually end. Here's how I'm dealing, and it could help you too sadkat: 1) get into individual therapy; work on yourself and build up your self-esteem and coping mechanisms, 2) find some fun hobbies and jump into them without permission from him (mine are hiking, kayaking, golf, writing, photography) 3) find some girlfriends who "fill your cup" and make sure you laugh and have fun; they're the ones who accept you for who you are It's not likely your husband will change his desire from airbrushed actors to a real, life woman who requires his love and attention for sexual connection. Please know though, it's NOT you. It's never YOU. Nothing is wrong with you. You are beautiful, and sexual, and a real person with depth and layers with lots of love to give. Do not let him have the power over you that makes you believe you aren't worth it, because you are sadkat. Message me if you want to talk. Love to you sister. xo
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Post by javba on Sept 10, 2018 21:38:24 GMT -5
Hey there, sadkat. Sorry I haven't been on the forum much this summer as I'm busy getting my house ready for sale as part of preparation for divorce. I just wanted to say that one of the hardest things I've done is calling the lawyer. Picking up the phone really made my pulse race, my fingers tremble. The felt like they were trembling, anyway. But my lawyer is awesome, I had the talk with w and we are busy getting shit in order for a separation. I'm moving forward. You will too. Just wanted to give you a boost on that call to the lawyer. Good luck. Thank you so much tirefire! I need all the encouragement I can get! It’s been rough as my H has been so nice and accommodating lately. Still no affection or sex. It makes it that much harder to leave, nonetheless. Happy that you are on the way out. Good Luck! Sadkat If you were back to being 33, like the heart broken girl, Whathat advise would you give yourself, with what you have experienced in your SLM now.
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Post by sadkat on Sept 10, 2018 22:12:35 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! Hi sadkat, I'm a little late to this thread, but I want to jump in because I'm in a similar situation. I'm 33 years old, been with my husband 7 years, married for 4. We do not have children. Our marriage has been sexless (once every 6 weeks or so) since we got married. Before that, it was 100% my initiating 3 or 4 times per week. We did not have sex on our honeymoon, or birthdays, holidays, or vacations, or any other time two young, newlyweds should (he is 42 now, with no physical ailments that would prevent him from doing so). I noticed within a few months of marriage that he just wasn't "into" me; he never initiated, never did anything to come on to me, no longing glances or acknowledgments. He never notices me. I've spent the last 4 years asking him a number of things directly. Is he: asexual? gay? low libido? into porn? having an affair? something else? He denied all of these things other than to admit he masturbates in the shower 3-4 times per week just as a need to release. I've spent the last 4 years working on myself - I killed myself with a bad diet and going to the gym 6 days/week to lose 30 lbs, thinking he wasn't attracted to me. I stopped getting dressed/undressed in front of him because I was ashamed of the body that he apparently wasn't attracted to. I cried a lot. I yelled a lot too. I eventually spent the last 2 years "calming down" and trying not to be "too much" so he could feel comfortable enough to approach me. It really screwed with my mind. Two months ago he admitted after lying to my face that he used porn to get off. He fails to admit this, but he does in fact prefer that to a sex life with me. I know it's not infidelity, but it sure feels like it. When he lies to me for years about it, and then uses it as a replacement to connecting with me. I finally have my answer to "why" we don't have a sex life, and you know what? It doesn't change my feelings about the marriage that I know will eventually end. Here's how I'm dealing, and it could help you too sadkat: 1) get into individual therapy; work on yourself and build up your self-esteem and coping mechanisms, 2) find some fun hobbies and jump into them without permission from him (mine are hiking, kayaking, golf, writing, photography) 3) find some girlfriends who "fill your cup" and make sure you laugh and have fun; they're the ones who accept you for who you are It's not likely your husband will change his desire from airbrushed actors to a real, life woman who requires his love and attention for sexual connection. Please know though, it's NOT you. It's never YOU. Nothing is wrong with you. You are beautiful, and sexual, and a real person with depth and layers with lots of love to give. Do not let him have the power over you that makes you believe you aren't worth it, because you are sadkat. Message me if you want to talk. Love to you sister. xo Hi heartbrokengirl- thank you for replying. It helps to know that I am not alone in this mess! Your advice is on point and I’m working on it. I have my first counseling session tomorrow to address my reluctance to leave. I started doing a few things on my own and not worrying about what he thought. The gym has been my outlet and I’ve doubled the number of exercise classes I take. I must say I’m in the best shape I’ve been in for years! My toughest task will be to reach out to connect with old friends. My h is my best friend and I really enjoy doing stuff with him. At the point that I’m ready to reach out to a friend, he’ll suggest something fun and I’ll say ok- because I know I’ll have fun and it’s the path of least resistance. He just doesn’t want to have sex with me. It’s been too many years and I know it won’t change. Since I want to have sex with a living, breathing male- badly- I have to keep moving forward with my exit plan. I’ll definitely message you when I need that extra support. Please feel free to do the same. 💕
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Post by sadkat on Sept 10, 2018 22:27:36 GMT -5
Thank you so much tirefire! I need all the encouragement I can get! It’s been rough as my H has been so nice and accommodating lately. Still no affection or sex. It makes it that much harder to leave, nonetheless. Happy that you are on the way out. Good Luck! Sadkat If you were back to being 33, like the heart broken girl, Whathat advise would you give yourself, with what you have experienced in your SLM now. I would have worked on setting clear boundaries for my h and would have made sure he understood I would exit the marriage if he crossed them. I would have started my exit plan a lot earlier. And I would have been very honest and clear to my h about the affair I had way back in my early 40’s after being sexually ignored by him for several years. I don’t regret the affair- I needed the sexual release- but I do regret not being brutally honest with my h about why it happened. I can’t pretend it would have changed anything but it would have eased some of the guilt he made me feel about it over the years. He is a master manipulator- I wish I had had the tools to better deal with it a lot earlier. Those are the main things- this would be a very long post if I were to list all of the other things I wish I had done differently over the past 20 plus years!
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 11, 2018 2:09:58 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! Hi sadkat , I'm a little late to this thread, but I want to jump in because I'm in a similar situation. I'm 33 years old, been with my husband 7 years, married for 4. We do not have children. Our marriage has been sexless (once every 6 weeks or so) since we got married. Before that, it was 100% my initiating 3 or 4 times per week. We did not have sex on our honeymoon, or birthdays, holidays, or vacations, or any other time two young, newlyweds should (he is 42 now, with no physical ailments that would prevent him from doing so). I noticed within a few months of marriage that he just wasn't "into" me; he never initiated, never did anything to come on to me, no longing glances or acknowledgments. He never notices me. I've spent the last 4 years asking him a number of things directly. Is he: asexual? gay? low libido? into porn? having an affair? something else? He denied all of these things other than to admit he masturbates in the shower 3-4 times per week just as a need to release. I've spent the last 4 years working on myself - I killed myself with a bad diet and going to the gym 6 days/week to lose 30 lbs, thinking he wasn't attracted to me. I stopped getting dressed/undressed in front of him because I was ashamed of the body that he apparently wasn't attracted to. I cried a lot. I yelled a lot too. I eventually spent the last 2 years "calming down" and trying not to be "too much" so he could feel comfortable enough to approach me. It really screwed with my mind. Two months ago he admitted after lying to my face that he used porn to get off. He fails to admit this, but he does in fact prefer that to a sex life with me. I know it's not infidelity, but it sure feels like it. When he lies to me for years about it, and then uses it as a replacement to connecting with me. I finally have my answer to "why" we don't have a sex life, and you know what? It doesn't change my feelings about the marriage that I know will eventually end. Here's how I'm dealing, and it could help you too sadkat : 1) get into individual therapy; work on yourself and build up your self-esteem and coping mechanisms, 2) find some fun hobbies and jump into them without permission from him (mine are hiking, kayaking, golf, writing, photography) 3) find some girlfriends who "fill your cup" and make sure you laugh and have fun; they're the ones who accept you for who you are It's not likely your husband will change his desire from airbrushed actors to a real, life woman who requires his love and attention for sexual connection. Please know though, it's NOT you. It's never YOU. Nothing is wrong with you. You are beautiful, and sexual, and a real person with depth and layers with lots of love to give. Do not let him have the power over you that makes you believe you aren't worth it, because you are sadkat . Message me if you want to talk. Love to you sister. xo What a mess! I went through the male version of this. I thought there had to be something wrong with me. It took me about two years to finally learn that it's not me who has the problem. I agree with your advice, focus on yourself and building your self esteem back up. By the way, one of my hobbies is photography. Mostly birds, flowers, and my kids. Message me if you want to talk about photography and share some photos.
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