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Post by sadkat on Aug 7, 2018 21:08:28 GMT -5
I’m finally able to get back to all of your helpful responses. I got derailed and shut out of the forum for a while. It did give me time to ponder what you were telling me. Bottom line is that I don’t think I’d want to have sex with him even if he did get off the porn. The trust is completely gone and trust is critical for me if I’m going to have sex with someone. So I guess it’s a moot point. I know I need to leave. I’m afraid to start the “I’m leaving” communication because I hate conflict and he has a way of making me believe that I’m in the wrong and should try harder. It’s hard for me, in the moment, to focus on the main issues I want to get across. Our “talks” usually end up with me being on the receiving end of a tirade. I know what he’s doing but can’t seem to stop it. I want to take the coward’s way out and just leave one day when he is gone but I know that won’t be a wise decision in the long run. I also need to have that talk with a lawyer before doing anything drastic. I hope I answered everyone’s questions. Your responses have been super helpful. My hope is that I’ll find the strength to finally end this before the year is out. I don’t want to spend another year in this sexless marriage!
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Post by baza on Aug 7, 2018 22:17:03 GMT -5
Glad you got a bit of clarity Sister sadkat . If you see a lawyer, you will be dealing with your situation from a position of knowledge. And, that knowledge commits you to exactly nothing. It is simply you, checking out a perfectly valid option you have. You may transfer that knowledge into action - or you might choose not to. But you will be better informed than you are right now, and that has to be a good thing and worth pursuing. PS - just about everyone got locked out over the weekend, not just you.
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Post by tiredoftears on Aug 8, 2018 4:47:57 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! You don't HAVE to leave. You could get your action on the side. Works for some.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 8, 2018 15:58:08 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! You don't HAVE to leave. You could get your action on the side. Works for some. I tried that early on in my SM and couldn’t handle the guilt. The sex was great, though!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2018 17:20:14 GMT -5
You don't HAVE to leave. You could get your action on the side. Works for some. I tried that early on in my SM and couldn’t handle the guilt. The sex was great, though! Why should you feel guilty? He’s the one that broke the vows of love and cherish. I get it on the side - zero guilt.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 8, 2018 17:34:18 GMT -5
I'm late to the thread. I'll try to be concise with the intent to offer hope. I was in a SM. No sex at all for over 10 years. EXH was heavy into porn and video games and TV. I started looking at myself and what I want in life, then I started doing those things and becoming the woman I want to be. My EXH couldn't keep up and I couldn't settle. I wasn't confident at first, but eventually the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving so I left. No regrets. Life is short. Live it well. You can do anything.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 8, 2018 17:59:58 GMT -5
You don't HAVE to leave. You could get your action on the side. Works for some. I tried that early on in my SM and couldn’t handle the guilt. The sex was great, though! I'm in the boat with t of t here. After 25yrs. of sexless marriage you might fell a great deal different about an AP now.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 8, 2018 18:36:01 GMT -5
bballgirl- I was much younger back then and thought I needed to stay true to my vows. Not so much now but I still think the best thing for me is to leave. With the support and feedback of this group I hope to do it sooner rather than later.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 8, 2018 18:37:43 GMT -5
I'm late to the thread. I'll try to be concise with the intent to offer hope. I was in a SM. No sex at all for over 10 years. EXH was heavy into porn and video games and TV. I started looking at myself and what I want in life, then I started doing those things and becoming the woman I want to be. My EXH couldn't keep up and I couldn't settle. I wasn't confident at first, but eventually the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving so I left. No regrets. Life is short. Live it well. You can do anything. I’m working hard on that now. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helps to know others have struggled like I have and made it out to better lives!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2018 20:32:28 GMT -5
bballgirl- I was much younger back then and thought I needed to stay true to my vows. Not so much now but I still think the best thing for me is to leave. With the support and feedback of this group I hope to do it sooner rather than later. Leaving is the best!! I divorced and left for two years. This is a great group and we are always happy to support.
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Post by javba on Sept 3, 2018 16:34:08 GMT -5
bballgirl- I was much younger back then and thought I needed to stay true to my vows. Not so much now but I still think the best thing for me is to leave. With the support and feedback of this group I hope to do it sooner rather than later. Rooting for you Sadaqat. Seems baby steps are working. Consulted a lawyer yet?
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Post by sadkat on Sept 3, 2018 18:36:39 GMT -5
bballgirl- I was much younger back then and thought I needed to stay true to my vows. Not so much now but I still think the best thing for me is to leave. With the support and feedback of this group I hope to do it sooner rather than later. Rooting for you Sadaqat. Seems baby steps are working. Consulted a lawyer yet? More baby steps- I got a referral to a lawyer and a counselor. Someone from this group told me that counseling would help me find the strength/ purpose to leave. I’m hoping it does. Scheduling my first appointment next week.
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Post by javba on Sept 3, 2018 18:54:38 GMT -5
Area divorce support groups are a help as well and free.
They helped a close relative out of a bad marriage when real life support was needed.
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Post by tirefire on Sept 3, 2018 20:25:02 GMT -5
Rooting for you Sadaqat. Seems baby steps are working. Consulted a lawyer yet? More baby steps- I got a referral to a lawyer and a counselor. Someone from this group told me that counseling would help me find the strength/ purpose to leave. I’m hoping it does. Scheduling my first appointment next week. Hey there, sadkat. Sorry I haven't been on the forum much this summer as I'm busy getting my house ready for sale as part of preparation for divorce. I just wanted to say that one of the hardest things I've done is calling the lawyer. Picking up the phone really made my pulse race, my fingers tremble. The felt like they were trembling, anyway. But my lawyer is awesome, I had the talk with w and we are busy getting shit in order for a separation. I'm moving forward. You will too. Just wanted to give you a boost on that call to the lawyer. Good luck.
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Post by sadkat on Sept 3, 2018 20:33:35 GMT -5
More baby steps- I got a referral to a lawyer and a counselor. Someone from this group told me that counseling would help me find the strength/ purpose to leave. I’m hoping it does. Scheduling my first appointment next week. Hey there, sadkat. Sorry I haven't been on the forum much this summer as I'm busy getting my house ready for sale as part of preparation for divorce. I just wanted to say that one of the hardest things I've done is calling the lawyer. Picking up the phone really made my pulse race, my fingers tremble. The felt like they were trembling, anyway. But my lawyer is awesome, I had the talk with w and we are busy getting shit in order for a separation. I'm moving forward. You will too. Just wanted to give you a boost on that call to the lawyer. Good luck. Thank you so much tirefire! I need all the encouragement I can get! It’s been rough as my H has been so nice and accommodating lately. Still no affection or sex. It makes it that much harder to leave, nonetheless. Happy that you are on the way out. Good Luck!
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