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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 26, 2018 13:16:17 GMT -5
I stumbled across this "trending article" on the internet today and thought it was a good read. They don't directly talk about SMs here, but this resonated with me because I saw some of myself in this article... I generally try to be the "nice guy". But like the author says.... we shouldn't always be "nice". We have to take a stand on things that are important. There *are* times when conflict is *good*.
Having worked through my SM to a reasonable level, I can truly say I would still be stuck in a SM if I had not created some conflict in the marriage / forced us to seriously address the issue *now*. Conflict was necessary at that time and was long overdue. Conflict (not being nice anymore) forced the issue to the top of the priority list and achieved a different result, rather than staying with the unhealthy status quo.
TL2
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 26, 2018 13:45:35 GMT -5
Great read - thanks for sharing that.
A lot of the article resonated with me too.
When we are “too nice” that we are allowing our kindness to be taken for weakness then we really lose parts of our authentic selves, which is so unhealthy.
It’s like in an airplane, when the oxygen mask comes down we put it on ourselves first. Focusing on ourselves and our needs makes us better and healthier for the others in our life and understanding that there is no such thing as a perfect life.
Again thanks for sharing that - great read!
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 26, 2018 14:27:25 GMT -5
Wow! I can relate to a lot of this. Thanks for sharing!
I was raised to be “nice” by a very critical mother. I’ve had to do a LOT of work to calm my self-criticism and learn to say “no” to things that really don’t work or fit for me.
In the context of my SM, I’ve been too nice and too accommodating. And in the process, my needs and desires have become secondary to those of my spouse, when in fact, they should be equal important.
Learning to advocate for myself on all fronts!
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 26, 2018 22:19:39 GMT -5
Great read - thanks for sharing that. A lot of the article resonated with me too. When we are “too nice” that we are allowing our kindness to be taken for weakness then we really lose parts of our authentic selves, which is so unhealthy. It’s like in an airplane, when the oxygen mask comes down we put it on ourselves first. Focusing on ourselves and our needs makes us better and healthier for the others in our life and understanding that there is no such thing as a perfect life. Again thanks for sharing that - great read! You're welcome. Glad you and catsloveme found it as helpful as I did. BTW I saw on a different thread that today was your birthday... so Happy Birthday... and make it a great weekend as well! You will no doubt be reading this the next day as I also saw that "plans" were in the works for tonight. Kudos!
TL2
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 26, 2018 22:24:18 GMT -5
Wow! I can relate to a lot of this. Thanks for sharing! I was raised to be “nice” by a very critical mother. I’ve had to do a LOT of work to calm my self-criticism and learn to say “no” to things that really don’t work or fit for me. In the context of my SM, I’ve been too nice and too accommodating. And in the process, my needs and desires have become secondary to those of my spouse, when in fact, they should be equal important. Learning to advocate for myself on all fronts! I too was way too nice in the early years of our marriage. We had not lived together before marriage, so when we did start living together and my W wanted to do something a certain way, I just went along with it... I didn't want to "create conflict" so early into our marriage and get things started off on the wrong foot. That was my thinking back then. I remember thinking - from what I heard others say - that marriage was about compromise. So it seemed normal to not get my way all the time, and I guess I felt that it was "normal" not to get my way at least half the time. If I was getting my way more than half the time then I would be greedy / insensitive. Therefore, I let my W have her way most of the time. I was being the "nice guy".... the kind of guy this article talks about.
Yes, our individual needs are just as important as our spouse's / partner's. In fact, I tend to think of "the marriage" (or "the relationship") as its own person so to speak... so in our joint lives, there are 3 sets of needs: H's needs, W's needs, and "the marriage's" needs. I think this drives the point across perhaps a little clearer that, in a healthy relationship, ALL THREE of those needs are being met.
TL2
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Post by baza on Jul 26, 2018 22:57:09 GMT -5
This hits home - painfully - for me Brother timeforliving2 . Habitually, I tend to take a view when conflict is nigh, of "is this worth getting all cranked up about ?" And to this self interrogative my answer is usually "no". All very well......but..... What tends to happen with me is that there comes a time where there is a build up of these avoided conflicts, and another appears, then my reaction can be totally out of proportion. In an ILIASM shithole (or even a good relationship) this is NOT a very helpful trait to have. Ms enna has been able to help me manage this a whole lot better than I once did, by 'trying' to deal with little conflicts as they emerge rather than letting them build up. But it is still a weakness of mine which I really struggle with at times. I have grave doubts that I will ever get completely on top of it. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 27, 2018 6:10:36 GMT -5
Great read - thanks for sharing that. A lot of the article resonated with me too. When we are “too nice” that we are allowing our kindness to be taken for weakness then we really lose parts of our authentic selves, which is so unhealthy. It’s like in an airplane, when the oxygen mask comes down we put it on ourselves first. Focusing on ourselves and our needs makes us better and healthier for the others in our life and understanding that there is no such thing as a perfect life. Again thanks for sharing that - great read! You're welcome. Glad you and catsloveme found it as helpful as I did. BTW I saw on a different thread that today was your birthday... so Happy Birthday... and make it a great weekend as well! You will no doubt be reading this the next day as I also saw that "plans" were in the works for tonight. Kudos!
TL2
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Post by JMX on Jul 29, 2018 8:55:11 GMT -5
I am guilty of this too. Leaning, lowering the bar ( nyartgal, Thanks!) I am, however, very honest in some respects and have learned to say “no” without feeling anxious. I think that has developed over time and with a lot of reading here - as well as individual counseling. I continue to have difficulties NOT putting myself in my husband’s (or anyone else’s) shoes though. My therapist says I create a narrative constantly - in the absence of his own input, and constantly give him the benefit of the doubt. She’s correct. I am a story teller. It’s voluntary self-slaughter. Being nice and accommodating to others - which might be a good trait to have - sure gets twisted into being rather mean to myself. I am working on it. |
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Post by solodriver on Jul 29, 2018 14:57:53 GMT -5
it's me too. I've always tried to be the "nice guy" my whole life.
It's funny now because my wife's reaction to my changes and anger is "It didn't seem to matter to you back then, why now?"
My answer, "Because IT DOES MATTER TO ME NOW and you don't respect that, after all the years I've been respectful of you."
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Post by beachguy on Jul 29, 2018 15:09:22 GMT -5
it's me too. I've always tried to be the "nice guy" my whole life. It's funny now because my wife's reaction to my changes and anger is "It didn't seem to matter to you back then, why now?" My answer, "Because IT DOES MATTER TO ME NOW and you don't respect that, after all the years I've been respectful of you." Or depending on how you dealt with the sexlessness “back then” perhaps another answer is “it always mattered but you never listened to me until I got angry” |
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 6, 2018 4:44:00 GMT -5
Mostly I agree - except for the 'if both partners are nice it leads to a superficial relationship'. I'm now in a relationship where both people are the laid back, give the benefit of the doubt types. It's not superficial. It's not dispassionate. It's actually really nice. It's super nice to feel I don't always have to be on guard or I'll be trampled on. It's really nice to be with someone who wants to do for me and doesn't keep a tally. He says it's really nice being in a relationship where his niceness is appreciated. It's incredibly nice to be heard the first time and not to have to blow up in order to have my needs taken seriously. It's also amazingly nice to know that if we have a day out, the whole day will be pleasant - even if crappy things happen (we've had plenty of days like that) my interactions with him are always... well, nice. Yesterday we had a wonderful day out. We made some good choices (stately home, jazz on the lawn) and some not so good choices (micro-brewery I've been wanting to visit turned out to be weird and unpleasantly hot). He didn't bitch at me about my poor choice - and why should he. We finished our beer and left. We went to another pub and his weird food issues + their weird menu meant we couldn't eat there as we'd planned. OK. I already know he has weird food issues, being critical isn't going to change that so we left and went somewhere else.
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 24, 2018 12:14:56 GMT -5
timeforliving2, Thanks for posting the link to that excellent article!!
I was an ultra-nice guy for most of my life. It is a terrible way to live!!! It took quite a few decades to discover this reality though. Being a "nice guy" caused a very long list of problems in my life, including my SM. My wife did not think I would leave her when she started withholding sex. She has, so far, been correct.
Several years ago, someone told me to read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. That book really helped me!! I would strongly recommend it. It is the kind of book that should be read more than once, by us nice guys.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 19:02:57 GMT -5
I stumbled across this "trending article" on the internet today and thought it was a good read. They don't directly talk about SMs here, but this resonated with me because I saw some of myself in this article... I generally try to be the "nice guy". But like the author says.... we shouldn't always be "nice". We have to take a stand on things that are important. There *are* times when conflict is *good*.
Having worked through my SM to a reasonable level, I can truly say I would still be stuck in a SM if I had not created some conflict in the marriage / forced us to seriously address the issue *now*. Conflict was necessary at that time and was long overdue. Conflict (not being nice anymore) forced the issue to the top of the priority list and achieved a different result, rather than staying with the unhealthy status quo.
TL2
New here. Just seeing this. Very much needed the reminder. I am the nice one. Always making excuses for my husband's lack of interest, never wanting to start the discussion (until I blow up), always being patient and giving him the benefit of the doubt... while I sit and wait for him to want me again. Now, I'm waiting til the holidays pass. Don't want to rock the boat right before Christmas, right? smh... Thank you for the article. I needed to read it today. |
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Post by baza on Dec 10, 2018 22:30:06 GMT -5
Here's a handful of names for you Sister @whynotm3 ----- ballofconfusion bballgirl elkclan2 eternaloptimism choosinghappy . You have probably seen these names in your readings here, possibly have read their respective back stories. I can assure you that all these ladies were very nice, and still are. I don't think that would be disputed by anyone in the membership here. The thing is, that "being nice" does NOT get you a pass on the resonsibility of making very difficult choices. No one gets a pass on that. Anyway, their stories are up there, and tell first hand of what they ended up choosing and on what basis they made their choice. Well worth a read. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 11, 2018 15:07:03 GMT -5
@whynotm3 To add a little to baza ‘s comment I was finally nice to myself. I think the refusers take our kindness for weakness but really they are weak. We are the strong ones to put up with a dysfunctional marriage for so long. We just have to channel that kindness towards ourselves to find our happiness. |
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