nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 19, 2018 5:08:00 GMT -5
feeling i'm drowning again, went for work related conference in the morning, then went back to office feeling a headache. jerked off to porn photos (not porn videos, don't want to get addicted again) and drank starbucks, for headache relieve. i still need to take 1/2 a panadol for the headache, but if i didn't cum i would need 1 to 2 panadols. another conference 1 1/2 hrs later. i work my ass off to support my wife and kids. i'm happy to fulfill my duty as the only person working in the household, but fuck WHY IS MY WIFE NOT FUCKING ME? she knows that's the one and only thing i want most. WHY does she stay if she does NOT love me enough to FUCK ME anymore? i feel tricked to stay here (Hopefully only temporarily, until i'm ready to leave) by the institution of marriage, and tricked by her lies, by all the unfulfilled promises of sex, or i tricked myself by being hopeful that things would be better. LIES, ALL LIES, AND NOTHING BUT LIES.
and then she called, asking for money for a family holiday i DON'T WANT (because it'll be fucking sexless too). i said NO FUCK NO (in a very nice but firm way) and gave her the mona lisa smile (through the phone!) and said "i need to work now i'll call u back later." a friend said to me earlier in this forum, just say no to her, and what's she going to do? fuck me EVEN LESS?
so NO to every fucking thing from now on except the basic essentials. but FUCK i hate her. i can't even go home now, i don't want to EXPLODE. not now, not yet.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 19, 2018 5:21:35 GMT -5
Sometimes that inner explosion is not controllable. When you really start to face this and change your thinking it is like a run away train.
Saying no is a good first step!
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Post by baza on Jul 19, 2018 5:26:16 GMT -5
Appropriate legal advice, exit strategy in do-able shape, support network all stitched up, solid plan for getting the kids through a divorce.
These are all good things to have in your pocket - particularly if you do "EXPLODE".
If you explode without these preparations in place, it is pretty easy to shoot yourself in the foot and propel yourself backwards quite a ways.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 6:36:38 GMT -5
See the I Screwed up the Talk thread to see what happens if you explode into the talk prematurely.
Clearly, your emotions are getting to the point that you soon are gong to tell her off. You may not be able to hold yourself back from using the d word. Do it with your ducks in place.
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Post by michael on Jul 19, 2018 6:58:29 GMT -5
I hear that. I want to tell my wife “Why would I have you around if you’re not going to fuck? That’s the only reason I let you come over to my house in the first place twenty years ago.” But it would just be a waste of breathe. She has no compassion to see things my way, ever.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 7:02:14 GMT -5
“I hear that. I want to tell my wife “Why would I have you around if you’re not going to fuck? That’s the only reason I let you come over to my house in the first place twenty years ago.” But it would just be a waste of breathe. She has no compassion to see things my way, ever.”
You continue with your sm marriage. Thus, she has no reason to believe that fucking her or fucking anyone is of much importance to you. Why are you still with her?
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 19, 2018 7:02:30 GMT -5
Update, 1.5 hours later ...
And eventually i came home. Half expecting my wife exploding on me for turning down her idea for the trip, and i was ready to fight.
Then my wife was just there in a good mood playing with the kids. So that’s it for today i guess, no big showdown, and the marriage gets to live on to die another day.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 19, 2018 7:36:25 GMT -5
Update, 1.5 hours later ... And eventually i came home. Half expecting my wife exploding on me for turning down her idea for the trip, and i was ready to fight. Then my wife was just there in a good mood playing with the kids. So that’s it for today i guess, no big showdown, and the marriage gets to live on to die another day. I love my kids so I have stayed, I felt that it was my duty so I stayed. I understand your pain and I am wth you. When you go down the road of anger and you blow up it is out of the frustrating fact you have no control of the situation. Right, no means no, and it is what it is. Having been married for 20 years and always sacrificing my needs wants and desires to make her happy is pathetic. But, I try not to lose control of me. I remember reading or something, about children that bite. They bite because they have no other way to control the situation, that is the last resort. They bite because they have, in their minds, no other option and don't know how to express their frustration. Don't bite with your words or actions, be calculated, controlled. Take care of yourself mentally. I am in the last stages but, have gone through other people's posts, thought about what options I have available to me, and have only found the small peace I have in realizing I can't control the things I have no control of.... You can't control your sex life with her, it takes both peoples consent. You know what a marriage is supposed to be like. I know this, so far, is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Most of why is because I want to bite the crap out of her. Because I am powerless over her, but I don't because I have power over myself and I do matter and I am working on finding what makes me happy. I started camping again with my boys because we love it. We quit because she hates it and doesn't want to be alone... And on an one. I don't sacrifice the things I want to do for her happiness any more. But, I am not cruel or hateful I do it for me not punishment of her.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 19, 2018 7:39:53 GMT -5
feeling i'm drowning again, went for work related conference in the morning, then went back to office feeling a headache. jerked off to porn photos (not porn videos, don't want to get addicted again) and drank starbucks, for headache relieve. i still need to take 1/2 a panadol for the headache, but if i didn't cum i would need 1 to 2 panadols. another conference 1 1/2 hrs later. i work my ass off to support my wife and kids. i'm happy to fulfill my duty as the only person working in the household, but fuck WHY IS MY WIFE NOT FUCKING ME? she knows that's the one and only thing i want most. WHY does she stay if she does NOT love me enough to FUCK ME anymore? i feel tricked to stay here (Hopefully only temporarily, until i'm ready to leave) by the institution of marriage, and tricked by her lies, by all the unfulfilled promises of sex, or i tricked myself by being hopeful that things would be better. LIES, ALL LIES, AND NOTHING BUT LIES.
and then she called, asking for money for a family holiday i DON'T WANT (because it'll be fucking sexless too). i said NO FUCK NO (in a very nice but firm way) and gave her the mona lisa smile (through the phone!) and said "i need to work now i'll call u back later." a friend said to me earlier in this forum, just say no to her, and what's she going to do? fuck me EVEN LESS?
so NO to every fucking thing from now on except the basic essentials. but FUCK i hate her. i can't even go home now, i don't want to EXPLODE. not now, not yet.
It took me a long, long time to come to understand that being a great provider has zero impact on level of intimacy. At one point I was working a full time job and 4 part time jobs to save and get ahead. I'm going to go on a limb and guess she never even thanks you for being a good provider? You should be grateful she invites you on the family vacations. My ex would take the kids and go on cruises, tropical beaches, etc while I stayed at home to work. All my years of providing got me in the end was the experience of providing her a check for 250k to get free. And I'd gladly do it again. Now I provide for my kids and my kids alone.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 7:45:28 GMT -5
Sounds like your wife backs down when you show some balls. She is a coward who preys on those who are weaker than her.
If you keep having the guts to stand up to her you may be able to get what you want — including protecting your kids and others who are being victimized by her.
Your wife’s method of handling relationships is transactional, you have said. If you told her that her having a maid and other perks such as not working are contingent on her providing you with fulfilling sex and her not having meltdowns, I bet she’d comply if you followed through. To me, that’s a crappy way to have to manage a marriage but if you don’t plan to divorce, it may be a method that gives you a better life.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 8:23:34 GMT -5
Getting some stones is the first step toward a resolution. Learn to be better at saying No than she ever was.
And stop asking for sex you never get. If she initiates turn her down but be prepared for a volcanic reaction when she loses that control over you. Don’t back down once you go down that path.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 9:05:06 GMT -5
Have you started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy as someone wisely suggested? Here's an example of why it's applicable to you: "n the early 90s I had a crisis. I was about two years into my second marriage. I thought I had found the woman of my dreams. Yet I was frequently frustrated and resentful toward the woman I loved. I did everything I could to make her happy. I tried to solve her problems. I tried to be a good father to her children. I tried to be a better man than the other men in her past. I tried to be the best lover she had ever had. I put her needs ahead of mine. In spite of everything I did for her, it never seemed enough. I could never seem to make her happy. She was frequently moody and would lash out at me, seemingly without provocation. Our sex life sucked. My resentment grew, but I kept it all inside. I just kept trying harder to do whatever it would take to make her happy and get her to give me the love, appreciation, and sex I so deeply desired. I avoided conflict and withheld any information – including my feelings and wants – that I thought might rock the boat or start a fight. I lied, and I hid things. I sought external validation from other women. I was passive aggressive – expressing my pent up feelings and resentments in “humor,” put downs, sarcasm, and backhanded jabs...." What he discovered about the pitfalls in striving to be what he had considered a nice guy: "A Nice Guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy. Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague. Nice Guys are guided by the following three “covert contracts: If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me). If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask. If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life. These covert contracts operate at an unconscious level. They don’t work for a number of reasons, but Nice Guys are convinced they should. Because most Nice Guys believe they have kept their side of the contract, they often feel helpless and resentful when other people (and the world) don’t keep their side of the contract." www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy.html
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 19, 2018 9:17:08 GMT -5
feeling i'm drowning again, went for work related conference in the morning, then went back to office feeling a headache. jerked off to porn photos (not porn videos, don't want to get addicted again) and drank starbucks, for headache relieve. i still need to take 1/2 a panadol for the headache, but if i didn't cum i would need 1 to 2 panadols. another conference 1 1/2 hrs later. i work my ass off to support my wife and kids. i'm happy to fulfill my duty as the only person working in the household, but fuck WHY IS MY WIFE NOT FUCKING ME? she knows that's the one and only thing i want most. WHY does she stay if she does NOT love me enough to FUCK ME anymore? i feel tricked to stay here (Hopefully only temporarily, until i'm ready to leave) by the institution of marriage, and tricked by her lies, by all the unfulfilled promises of sex, or i tricked myself by being hopeful that things would be better. LIES, ALL LIES, AND NOTHING BUT LIES.
and then she called, asking for money for a family holiday i DON'T WANT (because it'll be fucking sexless too). i said NO FUCK NO (in a very nice but firm way) and gave her the mona lisa smile (through the phone!) and said "i need to work now i'll call u back later." a friend said to me earlier in this forum, just say no to her, and what's she going to do? fuck me EVEN LESS?
so NO to every fucking thing from now on except the basic essentials. but FUCK i hate her. i can't even go home now, i don't want to EXPLODE. not now, not yet.
I was angry and resentful for a long time. Full of rage, hurt, venom. I felt like an utter failure in my marriage. I couldn’t—and still don’t—get my needs met by my husband. My anger and desperation propelled me to do something totally out of character. I had an affair with a man in a similar situation. It was like putting a bandaid on a wound that should probably have stitches—but it was enough to make me understand that I wasn’t alone in my struggle and that I wasn’t so flawed that I was totally undesirable. And then I sank into depression and paralysis—eating and drinking my feelings and hiding from reality and my pain. Fast forward to two years ago. I decided I needed to face reality and work on sorting out my shit. I quit drinking. I started seeking things that gave me joy—just for me. And I started really working through my “stuff”. I had two realizations that freed me from my anger, resentment, and feelings of being stuck. The first was that my sexuality is uniquely my own and wholly independent of any partner I’m with. My husband's refusal and rejection did not ndiminish my sexual self—I am still me. (Though wounded by his rejection.) The second realization was that it really wasn’t anything I did or didnt do, or any fatal flaw in my personality that caused our SM. That led to a sad acceptance that this might just be it for us—but that was oddly freeing too. It meant that I could focus my energy on more positive thoughts and on building myself back up. I’m still figuring out where things will end up, and I still have occasional bouts of anger and resentment, but I feel a lot happier and stronger now. Your anger struck a nerve with me because I’ve been there. And by no means am I trying to hijack your thread. Just sharing my own path out of my angry place. My point is this: let your anger propel you into constructive action that will help you move forward. (Please note that I’m not recommending everyone has an affair. And I’d definitely recommend skipping the self-destructive behaviors and denial I engaged in for years.) What are the things that give you joy? What will boost your confidence? Give you peace? Can you start with small practical matters that will help pave the way to a smoother exit if your situation comes to that? Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do is a great step! So is okiedude’s resumption of camping with his boys—he reclaimed something he loved but had given up. Is there something that you’ve given up that you can reclaim for yourself? Finding those things and taking action to reclaim them will likely help you feel more in control and less angry and frustrated...
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 9:29:42 GMT -5
catsloveme said: "It meant that I could focus my energy on more positive thoughts and on building myself back up. I’m still figuring out where things will end up, and I still have occasional bouts of anger and resentment, but I feel a lot happier and stronger now."
Focusing on becoming the best, most fulfilled me I could be -- an doing this for me, not to attract my refuser -- is what eventually led me out of my SM. I got into individual therapy -- for me. I took the time to discover and pursue my nonsexual interests and desires. I had to discover them because for years, I had built my life around attending to and fulfilling my husband and children's needs. I had lost touch with my own. I didn't even know what my favorite color was.
I made friends wthout my h. I attended events and parties without my h, and learned that I was happier doing that by myself than with him. I am the type of person who connects heart to heart with people, wanting to know about their stories, hopes, dreams, etc. He is the type of person who connects with others by talking in detail about sports teams. As a result, I make many friends, and he is happy not to have close friends.
I took classes and workshops in things that piqued my interest even if I didn't think I had the talent for those things.
Over several years, I blossomed into beign the type of person I'd always wanted to be. I also detached emotionally from my h. I was no longer angry all of the time because of the lack of sex.
Then, one day, I woke up and realized that I wanted a divorce. I asked for a divorce, something he agreed to easily. A year later we were both free of our dead marriage. Because I'd worked on myself so much before the divorce, I didn't have angst, anger or grief during the divorce. It was a relief. I had long ago accepted that my marriage would not become the type of relationship that I wanted.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 19, 2018 14:36:41 GMT -5
+1000 to catsloveme's advice. Anger is powerful energy but destructive energy. Learn to identify your anger when it bubbles, then learn to harness it for good. Use that energy to propel yourself to a better version of yourself. You 2.0 In short, convince yourself that the end game is to show the world the best version of yourself. That starts with saying no to the things you dont want to do. But its only the beginning.
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